Curmudgeon

MY Favorite Music of 2011: Top 20

2011-12-14T19:33:00.000-08:00

Here it is again. My annual, end-of-the-year music list. To reiterate, I am aware that not all of these songs were released in 2011. I don't care. It's my list, and these are the songs I listened to the most in 2011. This isn't a music blog; deal with it. Appreciate me:

1. Matt Pond PA - "Halloween"
Not a new song, but we addressed that already. "Seems like it always seems/Where I go I wanna leave..." Pretty curmudgeonly, if you ask me:

2. Trampled by Turtles - "Where Is My Mind?" (Pixies cover)
This band's been around for a while, but I only just discovered them because of this amazing cover:

3. Motion City Soundtrack - "Wait So Long" (Trampeled by Turtles cover)

4. Alkaline Trio - "I Remember A Rooftop"

5. Blink-182 - "Kaleidoscope"
Blink-182 reunited and released their first album in forever, with mixed results. I loved this song, though:

6. Angels & Airwaves - "Surrender"
Tom DeLonge (of Blink-182) has this side project. It's usually pretty meh. I dug this song, though:

7. Beirut - "Goshen"
They released a new album this year. They're awesome. Always. This was my favorite song on the album:

8. The Decemberists - "Rox in the Box," "January Hymn," and "E. Watson"
These guys released a full-length album and an EP this year. These are a few of my favorites from those releases. The full-length might be their best album yet:

9. Frank Turner - "I Am Disappeared" and "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" (Postal Service cover)

10. Gypsy and the Cat - "Breakaway"
An Australian band my buddy over there gave me...

11. Kanye West - "Monster," "Runaway," and "Blame Game"
Yes, he's a douche. Yes, he's annoying. But also yes, his album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, was great, and I listened to it a ton since it's release last year:

12. Liz Durrett - "How Can I Tell You" (Cat Stevens cover)

13. Nicki Minaj - "Girls Fall Like Dominoes"
Yes, Nicki Minaj. Shut up:

14. Pearl Jam - "Crown of Thorns" (Mother Love Bone cover)
This has been one of my favorite songs for a very long time:

15. The Rural Alberta Advantage - "Coldest Days" and "Good Night"
One of my favorite new bands of the last few years:

16. Star Anna and the Laughing Dogs - "Alone in This Together"
This chick's gotta be a lezzer, right?

17. The Temper Trap - "Resurrection"
I don't totally get the hype about this band, but I love this song. Make 'em all sound like this, guy:

18. Tinariwen - "Tenere Taqqim Tossam"
Trust me. Give it a chance. I was very pleasantly surprised:

19. Two Door Cinema Club - "Something Good Can Work"
This is an acoustic version, but their album is pretty Phoenix-y (the band, not the city):

20. Typhoon - "Summer Home"

*Bonus track 1: James Vincent McMorrow - "If I Had A Boat"

*Bonus track 2: The Fugees - "Nappy Heads"
I've been listening to this a lot this year, for some reason. Still love it:

Coming to Her Senses

2011-12-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

"Oy! I used to be funny..."

So, I was watching Coming to America for the gazillionth time, and, while still great, the tension at the end has always bothered me. I just never could suspend my disbelief enough to buy that she was that upset to find that Akeem was actually the prince of Zamunda, and the richest (black) man in Africa. Maybe she would've pretended to be pissed that he lied, for, like, three seconds, but the way it went down in the movie? . . . Nah. Too unrealistic.

(Untitled)

2011-12-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Yaysies! Well, not really. I'm still too busy for you. Believe it or not, they allow me around kids, and believe-it-or-not-ER, more and more parents are requesting my services as a tutor, thus steering me increasingly towards the lazy man's blogosphere (twitter - follow me! www.twitter.com/imthecurmudgeon), and away from my true passion (being a gadabout, a man about town, a gentleman of leisure). I knew dominating high school would eventually somehow pay off...other than providing totally licit masturbation fantasies.

Anyway, actions speak louder than words, and a picture is worth a thousand words, and I'm too lazy to actually act, so here are a bunch of pictures instead of words. Enjoy:

My brother...the photographer, not the girl.

Probably not the best time to do the Macarena

You're welcome for the nightmares...

Airtight logic.

The electrified basketball hoop by Herman Cain, designed to keep Mexicans from sneaking into the NBA

(My bro again. Still not the girl.)

Who loves you? Who loves you?!

Jesus balls.

Responsible for the single best moment in Knicks history.

So you know.

Look at that punim!

Right around the corner from the Bagel Shop & CPA Training Center

Even her hands are too pretty to work...

I'll drink to that...

It is...just not for the appropriate parties.

I want to fall asleep there.

"Eat your veggies, or you'll get no dessert!"

Top of the World!

2011-09-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how in every black gangster movie/show (think New Jack City, The Wire), there's always some poignant, pivotal moment that takes place on a rooftop at night, overlooking the skyline, in which they reminisce about where they've been, and how far they've come? (Video...)

Central Issue

2011-09-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

That's the ticket...to the fiery bowels of hell.

Is it wrong that when dating a girl, whether or not she has central air factors into my decision making re: whether or not I should keep seeing her? #seeyouinhell

Hypothesis: Proven

2011-09-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

As usual, science is late to prove what I've already known for years (http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/06/trial-by-firecrotch.html). In this case, ginger balls are undesirable. Proof. Bam! Here's the article:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/denmark/8768598/Sperm-bank-turns-down-redheads.html

Gross.

Honorable or Lazy?

2011-09-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

I Googled "recycle," and this picture came up. Gotta love the human race...

I keep a small garbage bag in my car, but whenever I finish a plastic bottle of water, I wait until I'm near a recycling bin to throw out the empty bottle instead of putting it in my car garbage. Sounds noble, right? But here's the thing, I can never really discern if I do it because I actually care about the environment, or because plastic bottles are really bulky and would require me to empty the car garbage with annoying frequency. Jury's still out.

It's Time

2011-09-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

"You trawwwmatized me, Rawnie."

You know how you know it's probably time to end your relationship? When you're trying to explain something that's important to you for the millionth time because it's so clear and elementary to you that you need the other person to get it, but you've heard yourself give the same explanation so many times that you can't even stand the sound of your own voice anymore when those words escape your mouth. They're not gonna get it. They never will. Just move on.

Speakin' of Pictures...

2011-09-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

Minimal reading. Enjoy the views:

"Cryinamazincrazy"

Where's Waldo?... Post-op edition.

A little late on the ejection, no?

"No, but seriously, is there any way you can stop slaughtering Jews?"

I love you, Mila.

Think you'd ever catch Kobe sitting on the ground, lacing his own sneakers?

Seriously, you guys. Some people can't even afford clothes. It's no joke.

How 'bout you, Sideburns?

(My little bro)

Get a room. Disgusting.

What a dick.

Probably just preparing Shabbat dinner...

Standard beach attire.

What a quince.

Travel Log: Final Notes

2011-09-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

And that, boys and girls, is where we get the term "working girl."

A couple final travel notes, and we'll mercifully put an end to me complaining about how awesome my life is.

First, the roads in Vietnam and Cambodia have fewer potholes than the roads in LA. America is dying.

Second, the Vietnamese fucking love to work. The whole trip, on every main street, down every alley, in every rice field, Vietnamese can be found toiling away in awesome conical hats. They don't look miserable or pissed off; they seem to take pride in getting shit done, and are the complete opposite of lazy. Of course, one could argue that in order to sustain a half-decent quality of life there, the residents have to work non-stop, and that's why you see 70-year-old women lugging impossibly heavy amounts of cargo over their shoulders through the crowded streets of Hanoi and Saigon. But I say, bullocks! You're being difficult. They love it. And here's proof:

My buddy and I were laughing about how every Vietnamese person we met worked so enthusiastically, when one of our Vietnamese tour guides started telling us about how he was getting excited for Tet, the Chinese/Vietnamese New Year. We asked him what people do to celebrate, and he said, "Well, it is, eh, quite fun. We take three days off, yes?..." So my friend and I looked at each other like, finally, some vacation for these guys! And then the tour guide went on, "...And we clean all the rooms, and plant the garden, and paint the house..." and I turned to my friend and said, "So they work." Unbelievable!

Anyway, here are a handful of pictures I took while on the trip, that me and my life partner managed to not be in, should you care to take a gander:

Travel Log Part VIII: Whores

2011-09-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

How much?

Before our trip to Southeast Asia, my buddy and I were all like, "Dude, we're gonna hook up with tons of hot Asian chicks!" No we're not. They don't speak English. And the ones who don't care about verbal communication of any kind and are still willing to sleep with you, are whores. Literally. We're morons. (Re: whores, I wrote this before we left for Vietnam: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/12/slipper-slopes.html .)

But it's okay, because once we realized this, we put our brilliant minds together and formulated an ingenious backup plan: hook up with lonely, horny travelers! Right? Am I right?! . . . Nope. Hot girls don't travel to Vietnam and Cambodia alone. They get taken to exotic beach islands where they get tanner and hotter. They don't give a shit about ancient temples and propaganda museums. Oh, you do care about temples? You're offended by this? Then you're not hot. Hot girls don't read. They don't have to.

Anyway, by, like, day three we were saying things like, "This is a mature trip; we'll learn a lot."

Travel Log Part VII: Gayness

2011-09-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm the one on the right...

I took this Southeast Asia trip I've been referencing with my best friend of over 20 years, and we were laughing about how everyone who sees us traveling together, just the two of us, probably assumes we're gay, especially given how close we are...and how we posed for a million pictures in matching, bright-colored hoodies while staying at a honeymoon-type resort in Koh Samui. Whatever. Shut up. It was beautiful. Anyway, we're laughing about it and he goes, "We're so not gay." Then he pauses and gets serious, "...We're not gay, right?" What an idiot.

Travel Log Part VI: Dong

2011-08-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

What a vibrant dong!

Vietnamese currency is the dong. This is good for endless fun. Here are a few examples from our trip:

--"Whip out your dong."

--"I'll be paying with dong."

--"Pull your dong out of your jeans."

--"That's a huge wad of dong."

--"Can I hold your dong in my pocket?"

--"That girl just touched your dong."

--"I don't know how I'm gonna fit all this dong in my pants."

--"What color is your dong?"

--"Give that chick your dong."

--"That guy was so excited when I gave him my dong."

You get the idea. Like I said, endless...

Travel Log Part V: Fortunate Son

2011-08-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

"It ain't me, it ain't meeee!..."

I gotta say, as the plane was coming into Vietnam for a landing, I was very disappointed that they didn't play any Creedence Clearwater...

Travel Log Part IV: Manners

2011-08-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

"Allow me...to look up your skirt."

On the first leg of my flight to Southeast Asia, they played a couple short animated videos before the plane took off. One was of a guy sneezing on another passenger, and the other was of a maniac child ruining everyone's flight. At the end of each ad, this appeared on the screen, "Beautiful manners make you smile." I knew it was gonna be a good trip (video):

Travel Log Part III: Simply the Best!

2011-08-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

The best mantra...

The aforementioned family trip was to Israel. I love a lot of things about my motherland, but they are seriously insecure over there. That's right; I said it! You've never heard an entire population say that everything is "the best" as much as you do in Israel. "I know a place that has the best hummus." "You have to go here for the best shawarma." "You never seen an apartment like this in America; these are the best apartments."

But my favorite was when my father's lawyer there tried to tell me that Israel was the best at being the worst! He was talking about the problem of the increasing gap between rich and poor in Israel, and I said, yeah, we're having the same problem in the U.S. right now. And he said, "No. Not like here. Here it is the most." And I argued, because I have an issue with not being able to just let things go, but you get the idea. It's an entire country of one-uppers. Israel is the best at being the best... Just ask them.

Travel Log Part II: Suffocation

2011-08-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

"I feel smothered..."

I wrote this upon my return from a family trip to Israel...

I just got back from a family vacation that I couldn't afford and didn't want to take in the first place. Let me preface this tirade by saying, I love my family . . . but, I don't think you understand the degree of suffocation imposed by them. Imagine every time you leave a room, being asked, by three people, where you're going. Imagine then being asked where you were and what you were doing, every time you enter a room, again, three different times, by three different people. And this is all within the confines of a small three-bedroom apartment.

Also, imagine having someone knock on the door every time you go to the bathroom! Seriously. Even if you did just say, "I'm going to the bathroom," during your "exit interview" in the room you previously occupied.

And finally, imagine, that on the rarer-than-a-dodo-bird occasion you actually get to sneak away for a meal, or a walk, alone, or even with just your brothers, you get multiple phone calls checking in!

My little brother and I left a day before our parents, and I'm not kidding when I say, that when dropping us off at the airport, they parked so they could come inside and literally fucking stare at us from across the room for 25 minutes while we waited in line to check our bags!

Did I mention that I got called fat like a dozen times? I put on a solid 10 pounds before this trip because, in order to take this "vacation" that I never wanted to take in the first place, I had to work seven days a week for several weeks prior in order to make up for the time I was going to lose while away, and that didn't leave much free time for basketball. Last. Family. Vacation. For. A. While.

Oh, and I got sick when I got back because I didn't sleep the entire trip because my big bro was sick in the large bed, and I had to share a room with little bro, in which we had beds that were so narrow I was forced to sleep on my side...because I'm fat...

Travel Log

2011-08-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

"Snooki want smush smush!"

Alright, so I know I've been neglecting my Curmudgeonly duties of late, but for the four of you who may have actually missed me, I'm gonna try to force in some entries over the next few days...much akin to how Snooki forces her sloppy meatball body into human clothing.

At the end of last year, I got a chance to do some traveling, some for pleasure, some not-so-much, so for a change of pace, I think I'm going to do a brief series on those travels. I was in Israel, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand (man, my life looks good from a distance), and I took a few (very few; don't get too excited) notes while I was away. Should be interesting to look back. I'll start now, with my first note, from LAX...

Airports are breeding grounds for passive-aggressive behavior. People cutting in lines, trying to squeeze past other people in aisle ways, violently putting seats back, digging knees into violently thrust-back seatbacks, forcing luggage into overheads with complete disregard for others' property... It's awful...and hilarious.

(I've touched on this before, but I obviously felt so strongly about it that I needed to make another note about just months after the original post: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/03/worst-in-flight.html .)

Sowwy

2011-08-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

My bad...

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. More to come soon, I hope. Been supremely busy, and I'd rather not sacrifice (what I deem to be) quality just to get some posts up. In the meantime, I have had time for the occasional sarcastic, enraged quip on Twitter. You don't even need an account to check 'em out. Hopefully these will entertain you until I get some more posts up here: http://twitter.com/#!/imthecurmudgeon

An example of the latest: "'Reverse rape'...when a woman rapes a man, or when you take a crap so big it hurts on the way out?"

I WISH It Could Wipe Out A Whole Generation!

2011-08-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

It's been more than four hours...

Uh oh! Women might get free birth control! Noooo!!! (Men get free Viagra, FYI.)

People's stupidity knows no bounds. It's one thing to argue against free health care; it's another to bolster that argument with blatantly retarded and sexist reasoning. As is often the case, Colbert says it best (video):

The Colbert Report
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But How Else Could You Explain It?!

2011-08-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

"And ye shall be a scarecrow unto future generations of retarded Saudis..."

So in the wake of the destruction of September 11th, there remained, among the debris, some metal beams joined perpendicularly, as pretty much all metal beams are when used in the construction of a rectangular edifice, that Christians have clung to as the "World Trade Center cross," as though this was some sort of sign from God. Turns out, other morons agreed, and are going to make these metal beams a part of the Ground Zero Memorial. And, in response, some petty atheists are going to sue. And while I agree with Jon Stewart (watch video below) that this lawsuit seems a bit frivolous, I disagree with his attack of this fucking awesome quote from David Silverman, president of the American Atheists:

"The WTC cross has become a Christian icon. It has been blessed by so-called holy men and presented as a reminder that their god, who couldn't be bothered to stop the Muslim terrorists or prevent 3,000 people from being killed in his name, cared only enough to bestow upon us some rubble that resembles a cross."

Nice.

Here's the two-minute segment from The Daily Show:

The Daily Show
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La La La! I'm Not Listening!

2011-08-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

"Inspector Todd, that's how big the tranny's butthole was!"

My little brother was mocking my belief that women's buttholes are exclusively vestigial because they do not make poopies, so he texted me, "God. I can't wait for if and when you move in with a girl, and she gets explosive diarrhea. You can call me on that glorious day!"

So I wrote back, "I will. . . . Because I'll need a place to stay."

Crumbs

2011-08-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

Ditto.

You ever eat something, and some crumbs get on the table, and when you go to blow them off the table's surface you end up accidentally spitting more food on the table than those crumbs had represented in the first place? Yeah, me neither...

A Wonderful Analogy

2011-08-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

"Which way to the KKK rally?"

Those of you who are avid football fans will recall that the always outspoken Pittsburgh Steelers defensive maniac, James Harrison, was quoted during the recent lockout, bashing everyone and anyone associated with the NFL, including his own teammates. When asked about this, Steelers safety, Ryan Clark, said, "Honesty is good, you know? I think sometimes, the world is much like the people we date, who ask for honesty, and then, when you give it to them, they cry about it. He was honest." Delish'!

(Special thanks to Westerbutt for alerting me to this. If they still did analogies on the SAT's, this should've been on them.)

You Go, Girl!

2011-07-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Biker chicks are hot.

The gist of my friend and his girlfriend's thoughts after seeing a scantily clad chubby girl who they decided had been obese before and lost a lot of weight, and was therefore comfortable showing that amount of skin despite still being kind of sloppy:

Just because a fat girl loses a ton of weight, it doesn't automatically make her hot... Although, there's probably a good chance she'll do a lot more in bed because she's so excited to show off her sleeker body and flaunt her newfound confidence stemming from a spike in male interest. Plus, she'll probably have cultivated a pretty good personality by then, out of necessity, from all those years of being fat. Those are some pretty big pluses!

Were they trying to convince me to bang a fat chick?

Jerk Store

2011-07-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

All that jazz...fingers.

I was driving in Santa Monica, and some guy on a bright pink bike was riding outside the bike lane (i.e. - in my fucking way despite the existence of an area delineated specifically for him), so I honked. Obviously. He got all pissed off, because, despite its ubiquity, somehow, no one is yet equipped to comprehend the mechanics of anger, and yelled, "Fag hater!"

First of all, "fag hater?" Awesome. On multiple levels.

*Second, I pulled to the side of the road, impeding his forward progress, rolled down my window, and replied, "Dude, I don't care if you're riding a rainbow-colored bike where the seat is a giant black dildo that has to be inserted into your rectal cavity while you sing Liza Minnelli and wear a feather boa in order for the pedals to work...stay in the fucking bike lane or deal with getting honked at."

*This last portion of the story may represent what I was THINKING, and WOULD HAVE said, had I had the time/patience to actually pull over and confront this guy. But you can bet...Jerk Store woulda' smoked that guy!!!

Do yourself a favor; watch this. They disabled the embedding feature, so you have to just click on the YouTube link. Don't be lazy. You're welcome (video): http://youtu.be/dIf2ZhFeEmI

You're Hot, Too

2011-07-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Poor polar bears...runnin' out of ice, and shit...

It was over 85 degrees in LA recently. I was taking out the garbage, and one of my neighbors was outside. He asks me how I'm doing, and I say, good, and then chime in with a "It's hot out today." His response? "Not really." Fuck you! A) It's over 85 degrees! That's hot. Sorry. B) You're hot! I can see the beads of sweat on your forehead! C) I didn't even want to talk to you in the first place! I was just being nice. I hope you dehydrate on this refreshingly cool 88-degree afternoon...asshole...

Snap Back to Reality

2011-07-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

I have wood.

I was comparing notes with a buddy of mine about girls we've hooked up with: tattoos, piercings, shaving patterns... So I asked him if he'd ever been with a girl with a clit ring, and right away he exclaims, "Yeah!" Then he furrows his brow for a second and goes, "Oh, wait. I think I'm getting confused with a porn I saw."

I Ain't Never Been To Jail!

2011-07-21T17:41:00.000-07:00

It's already been broughten!

When I used to cross the street at a stop sign crosswalk, where I clearly had the right of way, I wouldn't give a thank-you wave because I adhered to the Chris Rock school of thought in which we shouldn't be rewarding people for doing what they're supposed to do. (If you don't get this reference, watch Chris Rock's first stand-up special, Bring the Pain; if you don't enjoy said special, shoot yourself in the face.)

But you know what? My expectations of people have become so low, because they so infrequently do what they're supposed to, that I now wave when I cross at a crosswalk. Fuck it. Give the guy a cookie. Maybe he'll be encouraged to do the right thing again the next time. (Unlikely.)

Awesome or Terrible?

2011-07-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

"That's my broad, see?!"

A friend of mine recently called to tell me that he saw our mutual friend's ex-girlfriend with a new guy. He was all excited for our friend, saying, "Her new dude is a total tool!" Then he went silent for a few seconds and finally said, "Hmm. Actually, I don't know if that's good or bad."

We went on to debate the topic of what type of person you'd prefer to see your ex with. Let's start with this scenario, in which the ex is now dating a loser. On the one hand, you're happy because she's clearly suffering with a r'tard, but does that then mean you were a jackass, too? Whereas, if your replacement were amazing, you'd be like, fuck you for finding someone awesome and being happy, but you'd also feel kinda good because if she gets awesome guys, and you were hitting that for so long...you must be pretty awesome, too! Sweet!

In the end, we concluded it's probably best if your replacement is significantly worse or better than you. Much worse and you're like, serves her right! And, if she's dating some genius Adonis, you're like, well, at least I had my chance; I can't compete with that dude...

Actually, scratch that. Best case scenario? She dies alone. Byeeeee.

Gaiety

2011-07-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

Now there's something I can get behind...

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he said something stupid, so I said, "That's gay." Some passerby had the balls to say to me, "You know, you shouldn't say that because--"

So I cut her off, "--Let me stop you there. Ask me how much I care that you were nosy enough to eavesdrop on a private conversation and then be bothered by a guy who, himself, wore a Legalize Gay T-shirt last weekend to support the cause, though he himself is not gay."

She stuttered for a second and made some feeble attempt to salvage her pride with something along the lines of, "Well...I'm just saying..." To which I replied, "We're done here."

Stuart Smalley Knew

2011-07-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

"Fuck all y'all."

If you like who you are, it makes it pretty tough to experience regret... (video)

Critical Mass

2011-07-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

I can't see his grapes.

I've heard a lot of people dismiss fat people's food recommendations on the basis that the overweight must not be discerning when it comes to food consumption. But I disagree. People are fat because they appreciate food (and are lazy and soul-less), and they can't stop eating when they find a good thing. Skinny people eat for fuel; they don't know what they're talking about. I always side with the fatty in matters of the palate...

Doggy Bag

2011-07-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

"Please kill me."

If you take a girl out for dinner, pay for everything, and she doesn't finish her food and gets a to-go box...shouldn't she at least offer you that box of food? I mean, it's kiiiiinda yours, really, no? You committed to dinner, not dinner and tomorrow's lunch. Manners obviously dictate that you turn down that offer, but just something to think about...

Britney's Back!...To Destroying America

2011-07-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

They'll have their revenge...

Holy. Shit. Have you seen the new Britney Spears video...for "I Wanna Go"? This is the dumbest, worst thing I've ever seen. It's just her being a raging whore, with a trashy duck-face cop, and a fat, idiot cyborg bathing in milk? If today's youth find this funny or clever in any way at all, the Chinese will be our overlords sooner than I even imagined...

The culprit (video):

SoBe It

2011-07-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

You know what I love about the new SoBe commercial starring Major League Baseball pitcher Jered Weaver?! The part where they shit on starving children by substituting apples for baseballs. That's so awesome!

Here's the commercial (video):

The Kiddie Pool

2011-07-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

I went on a date with a young girl a few months back. And while this is nothing new, this was the first time I just felt like I was out with a kid. She wasn't even stupid. It's just, the amount of knowledge you acquire over the course of an extra decade of life may create too much of a gap. I can't believe I'm actually saying that. Still, I couldn't wait to see her again...sooo hot...

Notes of A Dirty Old Man

2011-06-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

It's funny how dating changes as you get older. When you're young, and you go out with some 21-year-old, and she says something like, "I wanna be President!", you're like, "Good for you!" If you're in your 30's and you go out with that girl, you're like, "Yeah, good luck with all of that. Call me after Reality's had a chance to shit in your mouth."

The flip side of that is when you actually date a girl your own age, and they've already abandoned wide-eyed optimism for excessive comfort and jaded resignation, like a we-all-shit-so-it's-okay-to-talk-about-anything-way-too-soon-after-meeting-you attitude. You say something like, "I just took an awesome trip to Thailand," and she replies with, "Oh, I was supposed to go there last year, but I had bronchitis and coughed so hard I got a hemorrhoid and had to have surgery on it."

Great. Lovely. Wonderful. Where do we go from there? How many dates away are we from you shitting with the door open, at that point? There's a happy middle ground! Find it. I cling to my illusions (i.e. - the person I have sex with doesn't make poopy) like the mentally feeble cling to religion...and guns...and truck nuts.

Waiting List

2011-06-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

Lunch is served.

I went to a little cafe for lunch recently, and when I got there, the hostess seemed baffled by my presence as she proclaimed, "There's a wait list, sir." Really? A wait list? That's a little self-important, don't you think? It's just a wait. A wait list implies it's going to take a year and possibly several deaths before I'll have the opportunity to receive what I'm requesting. There was literally one couple in front of me.

Don't Walk in Front of Me...

2011-06-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I was walking with a friend (female) a little while back, and there was a girl walking in front of us with a ridiculous body. I said something to my friend, and she laughed. But then, when we passed the girl, we saw that she was only like 15 or 16 years old, and my friend goes to me, "You're disgusting."

What?! You didn't have any beef when we were still behind her! You agreed with me! She had a ridiculous body, and I stand by that, unapologetically. I can't control the pace at which nature dictates individuals' bodies mature! Sorry. It's not like I would do anything...jeez...

Now this is where some lines have been crossed: http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/doug-hutchison-51-weds-courtney-alexis-stodden-16/story?id=13893244

Trading Races

2011-06-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

I saw this black dude hitting on these three chubby white chicks the other day (God bless him), and he goes to one of them, "Girl, you too fine to not have no boyfriend." And I thought to myself, "That's a double negative." And then I thought to myself, "No fair. White guys can't get away with that shit. That was awesome!" But then I thought, "Hmm...I guess that's actually more than fair, given the amount of racism black people have had to endure in this country. I don't think I'd be willing to trade; randomly getting pulled over and beaten by the police for no good reason just to have the ability to be really direct with women? . . . Nah. I'll shut up now.

Dating Strategy

2011-06-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

You know what I've found is a psychologically effective move on a first date? At some point early in the evening, commit the ultra-rude date faux pas of looking at your phone and responding to a text. Be polite about it. Say, "I'm really sorry; I just have to respond to this real quickly." Give your complete attention to that text for about 8-10 full seconds, then turn your attention back to the date, and as a gesture of genuine remorse, tell her you're all hers for the rest of the night, and turn off your phone for her to see. It probably doesn't hurt to throw in some joke, like, "I don't care if my mom calls because she's dying from a gunshot wound to the abdomen and wants to share her last words; she can leave a message. Tell me more about your dog."

But think about it. It's like she just went from feeling insulted and unimportant to being a made a priority. It's an emotional roller coaster...and she loves it. She's thinking, "He has his own things going on, but he can still make time for me."*

*Point of clarification: I'm not some sleazeball who sits around strategizing about this shit in advance while reading The Game. It just so happened that I was on a date one time, and I was waiting for a text that I'd PROMISED to be around for, so I responded to it, and then turned off my phone because I wanted her to know that I wasn't a total douche. I noticed a significant uptick in her interest after that, and then later thought about why that might've been. I haven't done it since. But if you're okay with being a phony...you're welcome.

Driving Eitquette

2011-06-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was in the right lane at a red light, and the woman in the middle lane frantically waved at me to indicate she needed to get over into my lane. I naturally assumed she needed to make a right at the light and kindly obliged. Wrong. Turns out she was just a diseased whore who proceeded to drive 20 miles per hour, right in front of me, preventing me from getting over into the middle lane because all the cars with non-whore operators were whizzing by.

You don't get to plead with wild gesticulations just to cut someone off; you can only do that if you're going to miss your turn or exit . . . and even then, it's at the driver you're motioning to's discretion. Die.

(I typed "diseased whore" into Google Images, and pictures of Paris Hilton kept popping up...)

Preggers v. STD

2011-06-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

No, that's not the precedent-setting court case of Wanda Preggers v. Simon Theodore Davidson (I'm retarded). It's a question... Which would you rather deal with: a pregnancy scare or an STD scare?

As a guy, I'm gonna say, my answer is dependent on the girl's age. Under 30, pregnancy is temporary, if ya know what I'm sayin'. Thirty or over, the girl's more likely to want to keep it, so I'd probably opt for the STD scare and hope for the curable sort. Thoughts?

The Bar Exam

2011-06-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

So I was gonna rant about the most recent Coors Light crime against humanity, the commercial in which the lying alcoholic who needs color coding to discern temperature changes tells his girlfriend he can't go to dinner because of the bar exam...but this guy beat me to it:

http://badadvicefrommybrother.com/2011/05/26/the-coors-light-bar-exam-%e2%80%93-a-dissection/

The Art of Photography

2011-06-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is a photographer, and he does a lot of shoots of women, both clothed and not-so-much. He sent me this text the other day:

"Some girls are just so annoying. They just want to be insulted. I don't know more than maybe one nice way to say, you're not attractive/interesting enough to take photos of. But hey, let's just keep asking or making passive aggressive jokes 'til I snap and make you cry."

The King

2011-06-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

As another NBA season comes to a close, we are enveloped by a new wave of LeBron loathing... And I honestly don't get it. Can you think of anyone else who has been so maligned for doing so little wrong? Seriously, what has he ever done that's so terrible? He's arrogant? He orchestrated a nation-wide media circus surrounding his off-season free agency tour? The hated "Decision" special raised three fucking million dollars for kids! When's the last time you generated even one dollar just for telling people where your next place of employment will be? Never, because no one cares what you have to say.

Fine, he's arrogant. The guy's been told he's the best athlete to ever touch a basketball since he was, like, eleven! I think he's held it together pretty well, considering. All he's done is live up to the unrealistically high expectations heaped upon him by his coaches, his friends, his mom, his home town... With the Cavs, he was the best player in the world without any help from his teammates (evidenced by the fact that in their first season without him they went on the worst losing streak in the HISTORY of the NBA), and he worked his ass off without complaint to piggy-back them for seven years. Plus, he's 26! Aren't you supposed to be arrogant in your 20's? I was arrogant when I was 26, and I hadn't accomplished shit! (Although maybe that just means I'm an asshole, too. Hmmm.) Anyway, the guy works his ass off, gives back to the community, and is the best in the world at what he does.

If I'm not mistaken, three super stars came together a few years prior, and everyone applauded them for their selflessness and desire to win. Kevin Garnett toiled in Minnesota without assistance for many years. Ray Allen did the same in Seattle. They'd had enough of losing because management couldn't lure the necessary talent to their small markets, so they decided to join forces in Boston for a few more shots at winning it all. LeBron and Bosh devoted seven years to their respective teams in Cleveland and Toronto, but were unable to win because management never gave them the necessary pieces. They saw what Garnett, Allen, and Pierce did, and followed suit. LeBron's sole mistake was not picking up the phone before The Decision, to let Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert, know that James was not going to be returning to the team. And given what we learned about Gilbert's maturity level, I kinda understand why one wouldn't want to make that phone call. (Okay, a second mistake was not going to The Bulls. They had better pieces for him to work with; James' and Wade's games are too similar to facilitate a smooth half-court offense.)

Now, in the wake of a lackluster performance in the NBA Finals, LeBron is feeling the backlash again. Never mind that he had an outstanding season, leading The Heat to 58 wins and the number two seed, despite it being a completely revamped team in its first season together. Never mind that the two best role players on that team, Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller, didn't play the entire regular season due to serious injuries. Never mind that LeBron had an incredible playoffs up until The Finals. Never mind that they still did make it to game 6 of The Finals against a Dallas team that caught fire from three-point land. Never mind that just the series before, against The Bulls, Wade had an awful series (something the media attributed to a mysterious injury), and LeBron carried the team to victory over the number one seed and number one defense in the league. When LeBron had a sub-par performance in The Finals (something that warrants criticism), where were his teammates to pick him up?

Look, it's not that I feel bad for the guy. He lives an awesome life for playing a sport, and deserves to be critiqued when he doesn't come through. Shit, I'd trade places; you can hate me all you want, and I'll collect hundreds of millions of dollars for playing basketball and doing commercials. Deal? I just have trouble getting behind all the misdirected anger. I gotta tell ya, if they'd caught everything Jordan said, on camera, and replayed the shit out of it like they do with everything LeBron says...he'd have been a lot less likeable, I assure you.

Go ahead and be happy for Jason Kidd and Dirk Nowitzki, but LBJ will be back there next year, and maybe a couple more years after that. He's really good. I don't like when he over-celebrates after a dunk either, but it's not like he raped a chick in a Colorado hotel, or cheated on his wife with tons of cocktail waitresses, or drowned dogs, or was accused of murder, or brought a loaded gun into a club and accidentally fired it...all things professional athletes who are way less hated have done. Just seems like jealousy, or something, once the vitriol crosses a certain threshold, because all in all...he seems like an alright guy. Although if he doesn't win next year...what an asshole.

And there you have it. My positive post for the year.

Age Limits

2011-06-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

At what age is your kid no longer allowed to accompany you in the opposite-sex bathroom? Because I swear I just saw a kid with a mustache go into the ladies' room with his mom...

Skinny Sticks

2011-06-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

I figured out why Asians are so skinny; I finally put it together... Chopsticks! Done. Game over. Mystery solved. A) You can only pick up a little bit of food at a time, so the whole process of eating a meal becomes way more taxing. You're only gonna eat what you need if you have to work for it, plus, your stomach has the necessary time to send the "sated" signal to your brain. B) Our American utensils enable us to shovel heaping mounds of fried food into our gaping maws at alarming rates. Look at American-Asian girls; a little more meat on those bones, no? No FAS (Flat-Ass Syndrome) anymore . . . and I love it.

A$$ C*nt F@ck!

2011-06-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

I just wanna say, thank god I don't have Tourette's, because the shit that would come out of my mouth if I gave in to even the slightest impulse would have just terrible results...

Cultural Differences

2011-06-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

I saw a Mexican guy wearing a Jose Cuervo T-shirt, and I thought to myself, "I should get a Manischewitz shirt."

How Twitter Affects My Blog...

2011-06-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

...It's made me too lazy to think in thesis form. I used to have "ideas" I wanted to explain, and "points" I wanted to make...but now? If it's not 140 characters or less, it feels laborious. It appears technology is going to turn us into amorphous retards. Although, maybe this just encourages quality control. Like, now, I really have to feel strongly about an idea in order to motivate to write about it. So you, the readers, win! Right?

Anyway, point is, follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/ImTheCurmudgeon

Litigiousness

2011-06-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

I saw a commercial that was trying to be funny (though it wasn't) in which a guy throws his TV off his roof, sending it crashing to the ground. On the bottom of the screen, whilst this is transpiring, is written, "Do not attempt." No! Sorry. You don't get to write that because you shouldn't need to! If someone is so stupid that they throw their TV off their roof and then try to sue the company that made the commercial because there was no explicit warning not to do so, that plaintiff should be sentenced to death. He/she is clearly holding all of us back.

Think about it: if you could be given the death penalty for filing staggeringly inane, frivolous lawsuits, people would be far less litigious. They'd think twice before wasting taxpayers' money and blaming everyone and anyone else for their own mental deficiencies. And if they're still too stupid to think twice...good! We're rid of them. Furthermore, any judge who rules in favor of these ignoramuses should also be sentenced to death.

Murderers sometimes deserve a second chance, but not these leeches who force us to scrawl "Do not attempt" everywhere. Given the right context, murder? . . . I can understand.

NOVA scienceNOW

2011-06-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to talk about this forever, but I keep forgetting. Watch PBS's NOVA scienceNOW. Yes, the way they write the title is annoying, but after watching it, I'm gonna go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt because they're way smarter than me. They have tons of clips on the website: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/

This year they aired new episodes about colonizing Mars, animal intelligence, how the brain works, how we came to exist, and futuristic social robots! But another episode, about the possibility of living forever, really got me thinking. They talked about being able to isolate longevity genes, induce medically assisted hibernation to slow one's metabolism and reduce the rate at which we burn oxygen in order to limit the damage of a heart attack or stroke, and grow living human organs in labs in order to eliminate transplant waiting lists... But what if we succeed at all these fascinating things? What the hell are supposed to do if no one ever dies? Our planet's already being pushed to its limits! Do we create the medical technology and then limit who has access to it (which is, I guess, what we already do now, huh)? Anyway, here's a mind-blowing segment from that very episode. Enjoy:

Watch the full episode. See more NOVA scienceNOW.

Parental Pride

2011-06-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

The other day, I saw two women, one with a stroller (and a baby in it; not a dog, which, in LA, would not be out of the ordinary), bump into each other after not having seen one another for a while. The baby-less one asked, "What have you been up to?" And Mama Bear exclaimed, "I had a baby!" A) No shit. B) The pride with which she proclaimed this rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, I'll concede, the miracle of life is a pretty incredible thing: it's like, wait, let me get this straight, I stick my dick in there, it feels really good, and then we GROW a fucking human that looks like us?! Holy shit! That's amazing!

Now, having said that, is it really something that warrants pride? It's not like you really did anything to get it. Quite literally, all you had to do was lay there. Granted, labor is fucking brutal (though I'll never know for sure...thank God); I'll give you that. But were there really many options by that point anyway? You had a baby. Congrats. A man jizzed in your vagina. Wait 'til your kid grows up to not be a total retard fuck-up drain on society before you go patting yourself on the back, okay?

I'm a dick. I know.

Hey, Kid!

2011-05-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

Five things the kid-version of yourself would be surprised to hear:

1. You will not be famous...or a professional athlete.

2. You like to read.

3. You will stop counting the number of lips you kiss, titties you grope, and vaginas you penetrate...in that order.

4. Your parents are just as retarded as you...maybe even more so.

5. Being a grown-up actually means the opposite of being able to do whatever you want.

Now go forth and . . . exist . . .

(More) Pics I Like...

2011-05-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Once again, an ocular smorgasbord for you to enjoy before the holiday weekend...

Fashion, Bitches!

2011-05-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

My friend emailed me this the other day: "In keeping with your general rantings about women, you should do a post on the trend of carrying their bags on their forearm. For some reason I find this really annoying. But don't just say that, make it funny. Thanks."

Well, here goes: What's the deal with women carrying their bags on their forearms?! Am I right, people? What look are we goin' for here? A fashionably limp-wristed T. rex? Shoulder bag or clutch, ladies. Get your shit together. (Enjoy my sophisticated artwork...)

Middle-American Idol

2011-05-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

Can we attribute that the two finalists this year are Jesus-loving country folk to the fact that reasonable people don't care about unimportant stuff like American Idol, and, therefore, this finale shows that the country is moving in the right direction because only idiots and children care enough to vote, and not that the majority of citizens actually wanted these people to be the last two standing?

Valet Parking

2011-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

You know what's a kind of fascinating mystery to me? Valet parking systems! How do they keep track of where the cars are in an efficient, accurate manner when there's no parking lot? Is there just a known system, or does everyone do it differently? This is a world I have no clue about.

Shit. Now someone's going to read this and make a crap reality show called Valet Wars, or something, and make more money off of it than I'll ever see in my entire life. Ugh... Oh, wait. No one reads this. Phew.

Shhh...Don't Ruin It

2011-05-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about how absurd it is that email is free. You have to pay for snail mail, gotta pay to ship packages, used to have to pony up for Pony Express and the telegraph, and you have to pay for phone calls. All forms of distance communication cost money...except email. We got off scot-free on that one, huh?

Truck Nuts

2011-05-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna open up a retail store that sells "Tapout," "No Fear," Calvin pissing, and family member decals for retarded people who were somehow able to scrape together enough money to possess a motor vehicle. Maybe I'll sell those rubber testicles for the backs of pick-up trucks, too. These people need to be stripped of some of their liquidity...

Peace to the Brothers on Rikers Isle!

2011-05-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

I recently read a staggering statistic: "Taxpayers pay about $72,000 per inmate per year at Rikers Island." What???? I don't have some fancy solution to offer here, but I know this situation has to be highly amendable...

Thumbs Down

2011-05-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

If I'm ever a famous athlete, and I'm carted off the court/field on a stretcher, and it's a possible paralysis scenario . . . I refuse to give a thumbs up. Way too cliche.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Porn

2011-05-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago, I read an article in New York Magazine about how porn affects middle-school kids. The author interviewed a handful of 12- to15-year-old girls to get their opinions on how it's changed the boys they know. The consensus seemed to be that it made the boys want to pressure them to do more sexually, and made the boys prefer bigger boobies...

I'm not a sociologist, or anything, but here's a little secret, retards: that's not the influence of porn. That's 12- to 15-year-old boys going through what scientists commonly refer to as "puberty," and getting excited about the prospect of finally being able to touch girls. When I was in eighth grade, I didn't have a single male friend who didn't want to do more with his girlfriend, and who didn't like tig ol' bitties. And the closest thing we had to Internet porn was the Victoria's Secret catalog or a Cosmo!

Look, I'll be one of the first people to argue that technological advances are threatening to tear apart the fabric of society as we've known it. Hell, I might even specifically target Internet porn as one of the culprits. But when it comes to middle-school boys...there is nothing on Earth that could possibly make them any hornier than they already are. Trust.

Here's the article: http://nymag.com/news/features/70977/

Baby Clothes

2011-05-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my friend, Cowboy Dan (self-named for no ostensible reason), about the concept of baby clothes. He was telling me how he went with his brother to buy his baby nephew a Wu-Tang onesie and a Dwyane (yes, that's how it's spelled) Wade jersey, but ultimately aborted the mission, deciding that the $30 they were going to spend on the Wade jersey would be much better served in a savings account for the kid to spend at his own discretion later in life.

Because when you think about it, buying expensive, stylish, designer baby clothes is really completely selfish on the parents' part (which reinforces my point about how having kids in the first place is selfish: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/05/being-born.html). The baby doesn't care what it wears; Honey Badger don't give a shit! If you really cared about your kid, you'd put the money you were going to spend on his miniature Izod polo in a bank account for him... Although, I will say, if I end up having a baby with a black woman, I'm definitely getting that kid a pair of tiny Timberlands, because them shits is UH-doooorable!

SlutWalk!

2011-05-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

This was too good to pass up. If you haven't heard, there's been some serious backlash against a cop who said something along the lines of, "Women should avoid dressing like sluts to avoid being raped."

So, first off, I want to be clear in saying, even if a girl is walking around completely naked . . . and is really really hot, she does not deserve to be raped, nor would it be her fault if she were. Now, having said that, the cop is right to this extent: girls should stop dressing like sluts. It's unimaginative, and it makes you look like . . . a slut. But just to play devil's advocate here, can we do some kind of study on this before we jump down this guy's throat? As a female, it can't help your cause to walk around at night, in quiet, unpopulated streets/parks in very little clothing, right? I wouldn't walk around with flashy jewelry in certain contexts because it would probably increase my odds of being mugged. Would that make it my fault if someone stole my beautiful, diamond-studded, heart-shaped, Tiffany nipple rings? No. It would be the fault of the asshole who took them . . . but next time I walked through that neighborhood I'd be sure not to wear a mesh tank top. Or, if someone could've told me not to do that before I got robbed the first time, that would've been awesomer!

So really the intent is about minimizing risk. Why not use the opportunity to say, while the police officer chose his words poorly, he makes a good point about being aware of your environment, and then hold marches or walks to educate people in steps they can take to prevent and avoid rape, no? But, nah. Our vindictive society has to have a retaliatory march. (To be fair, I don't know the tone in which the cop said what he said. He's a cop, so he's probably an asshole anyway.)

Anyway, in response to this officer's comment, events called "SlutWalks" have cropped up all over the country to "protest 'culture that we think is too permissive when it comes to rape and sexual assault.'" I'm gonna argue that I don't think our culture is really that permissive when it comes to rape. Sexual harassment, for sure, but I feel like rape is pretty unanimously frowned upon. But, apparently, lots of the girls who attend these walks dress like sluts, so I'm totally in!

Here's the article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42927752/ns/us_news-life/t/cops-rape-comment-sparks-wave-slutwalks/

Unknown Is Fine with Me

2011-05-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal: if your phone number is private, blocked, or not already programmed in my phone? . . . Then I will not be answering your call. No matter how many times you call back. I am stubborn. I will win that war of attrition. Guaranteed. I will hit the "Ignore" button until my phone breaks before you get me to pick up that call. If you think it's important, leave a voicemail. I will then listen to that voicemail, and decide if it actually is important enough to return your call.

Ink

2011-05-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or are people getting out of control with this whole tattoo thing? Just calm down.

(Note: the above picture is a terrible illustration of what I mean, but I liked it too much to not include it.)

I'm Not Saying He's A Sellout, But...

2011-05-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

How many more times does Snoop Doggy Dogg have to spell his fucking name in his songs before he gets that we all know who he is? Snoop, you were in the new 90210 for Christ's sake! It's not like you're toiling away in obscurity, Mr. Dee-Oh-Double-Gee. Congrats. You're famous. Now show a little lexical dexterity and find something besides your name to rhyme with (video):

30 Seconds to Suicide

2011-05-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just accidentally caught part of a 30 Seconds to Mars video... Remember when Jared Leto possessed a modicum of integrity, circa My So-Called Life? . . . Yeah, me neither. Nice nail polish, retard.

Obama Is The New Black

2011-04-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

My friend used to subscribe to Time Magazine, but never actually got around to reading most of them, so I'm always picking up old issues whenever I'm at his house. Anyway, I quickly glanced at last August's issue and saw that the cover said, "Hail to the hip-hop President." And I was like, "Holy shit. That's so racist!" . . .

Then I realized it was written under the heading "Haiti," and it was about Wyclef, the famed hip-hop artist, wanting to be President of Haiti, and not about President Obama being called "hip-hop" because he's black. Oops. Who's the racist now?

Britney

2011-04-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

I was watching the new Britney Spears video (shut up) . . . soooo, she's a whore in the future? What's the story line here?

Hang Loose, Old Chap!

2011-04-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

I was leaving a restaurant I'd just dined in, and my waiter said, "Cheers, brah." Cheers, brah? What're you, a British surfer? To quote Forgetting Sarah Marshall, "That does not make you a citizen of the world; it makes you full of shit."

(And no, he wasn't Australian. He was American.)

Euphony

2011-04-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

Here are a few songs I've been enjoying lately. You, too, can enjoy them while you should be working (videos):

Going Robespierre...on Hipsters

2011-04-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

If you actually have a mustache tattooed on your index finger, it should be required by law that you have that finger amputated. I'm voting we usher in a second Reign of Terror in which cigar cutters replace guillotines in the befingering of these people in the public square...or the mall, by the Jamba Juice...whatever...

10 Most Masturbated-To (by Me) Girls of the 90's

2011-04-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

So, excluding some girls from the one Playboy Magazine I managed to procure, whose names I don't remember, these 10 angels made my already-great teenage years significantly better. Maybe you enjoyed a similar, intimate experience with these ladies...but don't tell me if you did. I can get jealous...

First, the classy broads:

1. Cindy Crawford - One of my first loves. My friend and I were so in love with her that we actually pooled our money to buy her workout video on VHS and set up a schedule in which we'd alternate weeks with possession of said video:

2. Claudia Schiffer - I pretty much had every one of her calendars. She helped me begin the healing process of forgiving the Germans for the Holocaust. And like the Holocaust, I will never forget her:

3. Elle Macpherson - Probably my favorite of all time. She dominated Sports Illustrated's swimsuit editions. She dominated my masturbation schedule. And ultimately, she may be responsible for me eventually dying alone, because no one will ever match her beauty:

4. Christie Brinkley - Possibly my first object of affection...other than my stuffed koala bear which was fucking adorable and soft as hell. Christie marked the beginning of a long-lasting love affair with blondes. A real no-no as a Jew:

A woman of film:

5. Kim Basinger - Oh, Kim, if you were mine, you'd never leave the house...because you're agoraphobic. Psychological disorders aside, we'll never forget her nude scene in The Getaway:

Now the TV dames who never really found their way on the big screen:

6. Nicole Eggert - Forget Charles in Charge, this lady peaked in the oft-played-on-late-night-Cinemax cinematic masterpiece Blown Away; there was nowhere to go but down from there. Rip it!

7. Alyssa Milano - Basically the brunette equivalent of Nicole Eggert, and no less lovable. She had a chance there with an appearance in Fear, alongside Marky Mark and Reese, but it didn't stick (see Charmed):

8. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen - I keep the "Amber." Fuck that. Only good thing about Saved by the Bell:

9. Aunt Becky from Full House (Lori Loughlin) - She feels out of place amongst these sluttier TV types, but I didn't think she quite attained the classy, supermodel status of the first four girls. Bonus points for her appearance in an episode of Seinfeld:

Miscellaneous:

10. Vanessa Williams - Aside from her brother dominating possibly the best-ever episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, as well as a Proactiv commercial, she was hot. Very hot. Her Penthouse spread was legendary:

The Psychology of Porn

2011-04-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

I came up with a theory about why German porn tends to be so over-the-top sadomasochistic and disgusting: it's a form of self-flagellation that stems from a deep-seated sense of post-Holocaust guilt.

My friend argued that it's more a result of repression in every day life and pointed to bizarre Japanese porn as further evidence for his theory. Thoughts?

Breathtaking

2011-04-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

You know those kids who are so weird-looking they're cute? Well I'm sitting across from one who's not quite weird-looking enough.

The Heartland

2011-04-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

I decided. Middle America is called "The Heartland" because if you eat the local cuisine, your heart will die there.

Footprints in the Sand...

2011-04-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a Robert Fulghum quote:

"Better than hide-and-seek, I like the game called Sardines. In Sardines the person who is IT goes and hides, and everybody goes looking for him. When you find him, you get in with him and hide there with him. Pretty soon everybody is hiding together, all stacked in a small space like puppies in a pile. And pretty soon somebody giggles and somebody laughs and everybody gets found. Medieval theologians even described God, in hide-and-seek terms, calling him Deus Absconditus. But me, I think old God is a Sardine player. And will be found the same way everybody gets found in Sardines - by the sound of laughter of those heaped together at the end."

This is why religious people are dumb. Shit like this actually counts as a legitimate argument for God's existence just because it makes their balls tingle. Ugh...

We Suck At Commercials

2011-04-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

Other countries are so much better than us at making commercials. Actually, to be honest, commercials in other countries manage to suck even worse than ours, hard as that may be to believe, but their good ones are so much ballsier than our good ones. Exhibit A (video):

Some Pics

2011-04-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

An assortment of random pictures taken from my brother (http://njfromnj.tumblr.com/), my friend (http://motherfucker666.tumblr.com/), and this other guy (http://blog.yimmyayo.com/). They're fun to look at:

Hipster trap:

Smell My Fingers

2011-04-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

No thank you. This is why I can't deal with being out in general population. Humans are disgusting animals (video):

Tosh.0

Tuesdays 10pm / 9c

20 Seconds on the Clock - Dingleberry Season

tosh.comedycentral.com

Tosh.0 Videos

Daniel Tosh

Web Redemption

Speaking of Overcompensating for One's Demographic's Shortcomings...

2011-04-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

So like I was saying in the previous post, sometimes individuals have to take it upon themselves to undo the damage done by other, more visible members of their group. This reminded me of a story...

I was hostel-hopping up the east coast of Australia with my brother a few years back, and at one particular stop, there was a nice little communal fire pit by the beach. My brother and I sat there one evening, and it wasn't long before several other sweaty, thrifty vagrants like ourselves joined us. We all ended up talking and introducing ourselves. One of the others was a 6'4" beast of a German, named Olaf. Blond crew cut, blue eyes, broad shoulders, weighed about a deuce-and-a-half... If this guy's grandfather wasn't a Nazi, then I'm not a complainer.

Anyway, my brother's name is Yoni, which is short for Yonatan, which is the Hebrew version of Jonathan. But rest assured, his name is Yoni. That's what he's always gone by, that's what everyone knows him as...you get what I'm saying. So Yoni's turn comes to introduce himself, after we've already seen Olaf and heard he's from Germany, and Yoni chickens out because his name is so Jewy and says, "My name is Jonathan, and--".

Of course, there was no "and," because I'm a confrontational asshole and couldn't just let it slide. I instantaneously cut him off and said, "His name is Yoni. It's Israeli." Olaf tensed up immediately, and awkwardly plunged into a long story about how his best friend at work, in Germany, is black, and one day a customer called his friend a nigger, and he stepped in and yelled at the racist offender, etc...

So I guess my point is, Olaf felt he needed to be extra vocal about his personal lack of prejudice in order to stress that not all Germans, especially those born post World War II, are genocidal maniacs with leather boots and funny mustaches. And while I don't think he should be held accountable for what his grandparents or even parents may have done, I do appreciate his effort to be clear that he didn't think the same way, without explicitly saying something trite like, "Yeah, sorry about that whole 'thing' there. Our bad. We're totally different now." We ended up hanging out with big O for a bunch of hours, and he was a really good guy. I'm glad I broke the superficial ice by being momentarily prickish...

Big Blacks

2011-03-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

I was walking down a side street the other day, and was about to cross to the other side when I saw two, 6'4"-ish, jacked black dudes walking towards me on my side of the street. So, I held off on crossing the street and stayed on the same side until we passed each other because I know racist people have been known to cross the street when they see "dark" people coming their way, and I didn't want these guys to feel uncomfortable. Does that mean I'm racist or highly empathetic? (Because I feel like I'm often preoccupied with other people's comfort levels.)

But then I thought, "Wait! Why should I have to carry other people's white guilt if my family was all in Eastern Europe during Slavery, then being butchered in the Holocaust, and then being discriminated against alongside black people right here in America prior to the Civil Rights Movement?!"

But I guess that's why moderate Muslims who have never wronged anyone might feel compelled to be extra affable to compensate for their retarded, extremist brethren. When you're a member of a group that includes high-profile assholes, it kind of falls on you to dispel popular misconception. Accordingly, I always tip well . . . because I'm a Jew . . . unless the service was just awful, because they need to learn a lesson. What am I, made of money? Oy.

We're Over-Dramatic Retards

2011-03-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or are the Japanese handling this catastrophe infinitely better than we would be? In fact, I would argue that we reacted more insanely to the NON-threat of their radiation melting our faces than they did to the whole situation!

I Need A Car Wash

2011-03-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Now, as you know, I'm normally not a proponent of this high-wasted fashion thing, but I think I can find it in my heart to make an exception here. Although, I am worried she might ruin the car's interior. She should've put the top back up...(video)

About a girl from Bobby Gilanyi on Vimeo.

Have Some Dignity

2011-03-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

If you ask if someone's single, and they say "very" . . . that sounds desperate.

Traffic: Solved! . . . Partially

2011-03-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

A few mornings ago, there were three different old people badly holding up rush-hour traffic at three separate junctures. Like, severely fucking up the flow of traffic for everyone involved. Now, I used to be all for keeping the elderly off the roads altogether, but I recognize that's unrealistic, impractical, and probably unfair. (I still propose mandatory annual driving tests for anyone 70 and over, though.)

Anyway, this recent experience inspired a solution that I think could work: old people can't drive during morning and evening rush hours. Simple and elegant. It unclogs the roads at the busiest driving times and causes less stress for those older drivers who can't really handle busy roads at those high-traffic hours. Whereas in the past, they might've been embarrassed to admit to being overwhelmed by the bustling activity of rush hour, now they'd have the perfect out, "I wish I could drive there now, but it's against the law! My hands are tied." Win-win. Winning...

Women Are OBSESSED!

2011-03-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

An unenlightening article. Oh, women like being ignored? Thanks for the news flash, assholes. Now stop misallocating resources, and go invest that money in inventing condoms that don't deaden your penis nerves...

Best line: "The authors believe psychologists have underestimated the effects of a woman’s obsessing."

Here's the article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/13/fashion/13Studied.html?ref=fashion

(Thanks, Nads...)

Impish Imps

2011-03-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was in Starbucks the other day and it was lousy with maniacal children. One was trying to steal his mom's phone, and she kept holding it up and away from him as he jumped and screamed, instead of just smacking him like she should have; another was repeatedly smashing his toy into the table while his terrible father remained criminally silent; and then a third spawn of Satan knocked over the entire display rack of gift cards, VIA packets, and CD's.

Prognosis for the odds I will one day procreate: bleaker by the second.

Gluttony

2011-03-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was at the supermarket the other day, and I was reminded of how spoiled we really are, as Americans. We have such excess that at those gourmet food counters, they offer you free samples, free food . . . and people say NO! While I was there, five people, including me, turned down free samples of whatever we wanted while we waited for our orders of more food to be ready. You know, so we wouldn't get bored...or hungry? Ridiculous when you actually think about it, right?

Can you imagine that happening in Africa? People turning down free food? Or in any other impoverished country where they eat dirt sandwiches...without bread...for that matter.

Involuntary Fallout

2011-03-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I was sick a little while back and... Hey, fellas, you ever cough while taking a piss? It sucks.

(Please appreciate that I had to sift through some pretty gross porn to get that image. Type "piss on seat" into Google Images with the Safe Search off and see what happens...)

Options

2011-03-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

I think I'd rather die than have a car drive through a filthy puddle and splash me in the face.

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

I know Ash Wednesday was last week, but I've been busy. I wrote this then, have been thinking it for years, and am finally posting it now:

Seriously with that shit on your foreheads? You look like fucking idiots. Grow up.

Poor Parenting

2011-03-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

If you're a girl, and you have a name that should end in "y," but ends in "i" . . . your parents did you a huge disservice. They effed up. Things will probably not go well for you . . . Brandi, Staci, Brittani, Traci, etc...

Marla Hooch...What A Hitter!

2011-03-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

On my most recent flight from NY to LA, the two flight attendants in my section were Chris Farley and Marla Hooch. Seriously, there needs to be some sort of size limit for this position, because if you can't walk through the aisle without shattering my scapula, even when my shoulder is not protruding into the aisle...then you're too big for your job. Sorry.

If you absolutely feel you need to be in a job that prizes diffusion of responsibility and lacks human warmth and compassion, while still allowing you to be unhealthily overweight, may I suggest postal worker? . . . Or bank teller, or TSA employee, or a whole host of other bureaucratic positions in local or federal government...

Too Soon?

2011-03-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

"How many Japanese people do you think died because they were photographing the event?"

--Seth Davis

The Tide Has Turned

2011-03-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

Well, they've finally done it. The Chinese have finally surpassed the United States of America as the world's greatest super power. Congrats, fellas. Check this out (if you're receiving this via email, please go to the website to watch the following video or else the comments that follow will make no sense):

Man, I could probably watch that thing on a loop for, like, an hour...without sound, of course. Forget science and math scores! They've out-shittied us on the infomercial front while simultaneously encouraging their next generation to out-whore us. Those are the true measures of a prosperous democracy. We're done for!

(Thanks, Shirsies!)