MY Favorite Music of 2011: Top 20

Here it is again. My annual, end-of-the-year music list. To reiterate, I am aware that not all of these songs were released in 2011. I don't care. It's my list, and these are the songs I listened to the most in 2011. This isn't a music blog; deal with it. Appreciate me:

1. Matt Pond PA - "Halloween"
Not a new song, but we addressed that already. "Seems like it always seems/Where I go I wanna leave..." Pretty curmudgeonly, if you ask me:



2. Trampled by Turtles - "Where Is My Mind?" (Pixies cover)
This band's been around for a while, but I only just discovered them because of this amazing cover:



3. Motion City Soundtrack - "Wait So Long" (Trampeled by Turtles cover)



4. Alkaline Trio - "I Remember A Rooftop"



5. Blink-182 - "Kaleidoscope"
Blink-182 reunited and released their first album in forever, with mixed results. I loved this song, though:



6. Angels & Airwaves - "Surrender"
Tom DeLonge (of Blink-182) has this side project. It's usually pretty meh. I dug this song, though:



7. Beirut - "Goshen"
They released a new album this year. They're awesome. Always. This was my favorite song on the album:



8. The Decemberists - "Rox in the Box," "January Hymn," and "E. Watson"
These guys released a full-length album and an EP this year. These are a few of my favorites from those releases. The full-length might be their best album yet:







9. Frank Turner - "I Am Disappeared" and "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" (Postal Service cover)





10. Gypsy and the Cat - "Breakaway"
An Australian band my buddy over there gave me...



11. Kanye West - "Monster," "Runaway," and "Blame Game"
Yes, he's a douche. Yes, he's annoying. But also yes, his album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, was great, and I listened to it a ton since it's release last year:







12. Liz Durrett - "How Can I Tell You" (Cat Stevens cover)



13. Nicki Minaj - "Girls Fall Like Dominoes"
Yes, Nicki Minaj. Shut up:



14. Pearl Jam - "Crown of Thorns" (Mother Love Bone cover)
This has been one of my favorite songs for a very long time:



15. The Rural Alberta Advantage - "Coldest Days" and "Good Night"
One of my favorite new bands of the last few years:





16. Star Anna and the Laughing Dogs - "Alone in This Together"
This chick's gotta be a lezzer, right?



17. The Temper Trap - "Resurrection"
I don't totally get the hype about this band, but I love this song. Make 'em all sound like this, guy:



18. Tinariwen - "Tenere Taqqim Tossam"
Trust me. Give it a chance. I was very pleasantly surprised:



19. Two Door Cinema Club - "Something Good Can Work"
This is an acoustic version, but their album is pretty Phoenix-y (the band, not the city):



20. Typhoon - "Summer Home"



*Bonus track 1: James Vincent McMorrow - "If I Had A Boat"



*Bonus track 2: The Fugees - "Nappy Heads"
I've been listening to this a lot this year, for some reason. Still love it:

Coming to Her Senses

"Oy! I used to be funny..."

So, I was watching Coming to America for the gazillionth time, and, while still great, the tension at the end has always bothered me.  I just never could suspend my disbelief enough to buy that she was that upset to find that Akeem was actually the prince of Zamunda, and the richest (black) man in Africa.  Maybe she would've pretended to be pissed that he lied, for, like, three seconds, but the way it went down in the movie? . . . Nah.  Too unrealistic.

Top of the World!

Ever notice how in every black gangster movie/show (think New Jack City, The Wire), there's always some poignant, pivotal moment that takes place on a rooftop at night, overlooking the skyline, in which they reminisce about where they've been, and how far they've come?  (Video...)

Central Issue

That's the ticket...to the fiery bowels of hell.

Is it wrong that when dating a girl, whether or not she has central air factors into my decision making re: whether or not I should keep seeing her?  #seeyouinhell

Hypothesis: Proven

As usual, science is late to prove what I've already known for years (http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/06/trial-by-firecrotch.html).  In this case, ginger balls are undesirable.  Proof.  Bam!  Here's the article:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/denmark/8768598/Sperm-bank-turns-down-redheads.html

Gross.

It's Time

"You trawwwmatized me, Rawnie."

You know how you know it's probably time to end your relationship?  When you're trying to explain something that's important to you for the millionth time because it's so clear and elementary to you that you need the other person to get it, but you've heard yourself give the same explanation so many times that you can't even stand the sound of your own voice anymore when those words escape your mouth.  They're not gonna get it.  They never will.  Just move on.

Travel Log: Final Notes

And that, boys and girls, is where we get the term "working girl."

A couple final travel notes, and we'll mercifully put an end to me complaining about how awesome my life is.

First, the roads in Vietnam and Cambodia have fewer potholes than the roads in LA.  America is dying.

Second, the Vietnamese fucking love to work.  The whole trip, on every main street, down every alley, in every rice field, Vietnamese can be found toiling away in awesome conical hats.  They don't look miserable or pissed off; they seem to take pride in getting shit done, and are the complete opposite of lazy.  Of course, one could argue that in order to sustain a half-decent quality of life there, the residents have to work non-stop, and that's why you see 70-year-old women lugging impossibly heavy amounts of cargo over their shoulders through the crowded streets of Hanoi and Saigon.  But I say, bullocks!  You're being difficult.  They love it.  And here's proof:

My buddy and I were laughing about how every Vietnamese person we met worked so enthusiastically, when one of our Vietnamese tour guides started telling us about how he was getting excited for Tet, the Chinese/Vietnamese New Year.  We asked him what people do to celebrate, and he said, "Well, it is, eh, quite fun.  We take three days off, yes?..."  So my friend and I looked at each other like, finally, some vacation for these guys!  And then the tour guide went on, "...And we clean all the rooms, and plant the garden, and paint the house..." and I turned to my friend and said, "So they work."  Unbelievable!

Anyway, here are a handful of pictures I took while on the trip, that me and my life partner managed to not be in, should you care to take a gander:

Travel Log Part VIII: Whores

How much?

Before our trip to Southeast Asia, my buddy and I were all like, "Dude, we're gonna hook up with tons of hot Asian chicks!"  No we're not.  They don't speak English.  And the ones who don't care about verbal communication of any kind and are still willing to sleep with you, are whores.  Literally.  We're morons.  (Re: whores, I wrote this before we left for Vietnam: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/12/slipper-slopes.html .)

But it's okay, because once we realized this, we put our brilliant minds together and formulated an ingenious backup plan: hook up with lonely, horny travelers!  Right?  Am I right?!  . . . Nope.  Hot girls don't travel to Vietnam and Cambodia alone.  They get taken to exotic beach islands where they get tanner and hotter.  They don't give a shit about ancient temples and propaganda museums.  Oh, you do care about temples?  You're offended by this?  Then you're not hot.  Hot girls don't read.  They don't have to.

Anyway, by, like, day three we were saying things like, "This is a mature trip; we'll learn a lot."

Travel Log Part VII: Gayness

I'm the one on the right...

I took this Southeast Asia trip I've been referencing with my best friend of over 20 years, and we were laughing about how everyone who sees us traveling together, just the two of us, probably assumes we're gay, especially given how close we are...and how we posed for a million pictures in matching, bright-colored hoodies while staying at a honeymoon-type resort in Koh Samui.  Whatever.  Shut up.  It was beautiful.  Anyway, we're laughing about it and he goes, "We're so not gay."  Then he pauses and gets serious,  "...We're not gay, right?"  What an idiot.

Travel Log Part VI: Dong

What a vibrant dong!

Vietnamese currency is the dong.  This is good for endless fun.  Here are a few examples from our trip:

--"Whip out your dong."

--"I'll be paying with dong."

--"Pull your dong out of your jeans."

--"That's a huge wad of dong."

--"Can I hold your dong in my pocket?"

--"That girl just touched your dong."

--"I don't know how I'm gonna fit all this dong in my pants."

--"What color is your dong?"

--"Give that chick your dong."

--"That guy was so excited when I gave him my dong."

You get the idea.  Like I said, endless...

Travel Log Part V: Fortunate Son

"It ain't me, it ain't meeee!..."

I gotta say, as the plane was coming into Vietnam for a landing, I was very disappointed that they didn't play any Creedence Clearwater...

Travel Log Part IV: Manners



"Allow me...to look up your skirt."

 On the first leg of my flight to Southeast Asia, they played a couple short animated videos before the plane took off.  One was of a guy sneezing on another passenger, and the other was of a maniac child ruining everyone's flight.  At the end of each ad, this appeared on the screen, "Beautiful manners make you smile."  I knew it was gonna be a good trip (video):

Travel Log Part III: Simply the Best!

The best mantra...

The aforementioned family trip was to Israel.  I love a lot of things about my motherland, but they are seriously insecure over there.  That's right; I said it!  You've never heard an entire population say that everything is "the best" as much as you do in Israel.  "I know a place that has the best hummus."  "You have to go here for the best shawarma."  "You never seen an apartment like this in America; these are the best apartments."

But my favorite was when my father's lawyer there tried to tell me that Israel was the best at being the worst!  He was talking about the problem of the increasing gap between rich and poor in Israel, and I said, yeah, we're having the same problem in the U.S. right now.  And he said,  "No.  Not like here.  Here it is the most."  And I argued, because I have an issue with not being able to just let things go, but you get the idea.  It's an entire country of one-uppers.  Israel is the best at being the best... Just ask them.

Travel Log Part II: Suffocation

"I feel smothered..."

I wrote this upon my return from a family trip to Israel...

I just got back from a family vacation that I couldn't afford and didn't want to take in the first place.  Let me preface this tirade by saying, I love my family . . . but, I don't think you understand the degree of suffocation imposed by them.  Imagine every time you leave a room, being asked, by three people, where you're going.  Imagine then being asked where you were and what you were doing, every time you enter a room, again, three different times, by three different people.  And this is all within the confines of a small three-bedroom apartment.

Also, imagine having someone knock on the door every time you go to the bathroom!  Seriously.  Even if you did just say, "I'm going to the bathroom," during your "exit interview" in the room you previously occupied.

And finally, imagine, that on the rarer-than-a-dodo-bird occasion you actually get to sneak away for a meal, or a walk, alone, or even with just your brothers, you get multiple phone calls checking in!

My little brother and I left a day before our parents, and I'm not kidding when I say, that when dropping us off at the airport, they parked so they could come inside and literally fucking stare at us from across the room for 25 minutes while we waited in line to check our bags!

Did I mention that I got called fat like a dozen times?  I put on a solid 10 pounds before this trip because, in order to take this "vacation" that I never wanted to take in the first place, I had to work seven days a week for several weeks prior in order to make up for the time I was going to lose while away, and that didn't leave much free time for basketball.  Last.  Family.  Vacation.  For.  A.  While.

Oh, and I got sick when I got back because I didn't sleep the entire trip because my big bro was sick in the large bed, and I had to share a room with little bro, in which we had beds that were so narrow I was forced to sleep on my side...because I'm fat...

Travel Log

"Snooki want smush smush!"

Alright, so I know I've been neglecting my Curmudgeonly duties of late, but for the four of you who may have actually missed me, I'm gonna try to force in some entries over the next few days...much akin to how Snooki forces her sloppy meatball body into human clothing.

At the end of last year, I got a chance to do some traveling, some for pleasure, some not-so-much, so for a change of pace, I think I'm going to do a brief series on those travels.  I was in Israel, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand (man, my life looks good from a distance), and I took a few (very few; don't get too excited) notes while I was away.  Should be interesting to look back.  I'll start now, with my first note, from LAX...

Airports are breeding grounds for passive-aggressive behavior.  People cutting in lines, trying to squeeze past other people in aisle ways, violently putting seats back, digging knees into violently thrust-back seatbacks, forcing luggage into overheads with complete disregard for others' property...  It's awful...and hilarious. 

(I've touched on this before, but I obviously felt so strongly about it that I needed to make another note about just months after the original post: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/03/worst-in-flight.html .)

But How Else Could You Explain It?!

"And ye shall be a scarecrow unto future generations of retarded Saudis..."

So in the wake of the destruction of September 11th, there remained, among the debris, some metal beams joined perpendicularly, as pretty much all metal beams are when used in the construction of a rectangular edifice, that Christians have clung to as the "World Trade Center cross," as though this was some sort of sign from God.  Turns out, other morons agreed, and are going to make these metal beams a part of the Ground Zero Memorial.  And, in response, some petty atheists are going to sue.  And while I agree with Jon Stewart (watch video below) that this lawsuit seems a bit frivolous, I disagree with his attack of this fucking awesome quote from David Silverman, president of the American Atheists:

"The WTC cross has become a Christian icon.  It has been blessed by so-called holy men and presented as a reminder that their god, who couldn't be bothered to stop the Muslim terrorists or prevent 3,000 people from being killed in his name, cared only enough to bestow upon us some rubble that resembles a cross."

Nice.

Here's the two-minute segment from The Daily Show:

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

La La La! I'm Not Listening!



"Inspector Todd, that's how big the tranny's butthole was!"


My little brother was mocking my belief that women's buttholes are exclusively vestigial because they do not make poopies, so he texted me, "God.  I can't wait for if and when you move in with a girl, and she gets explosive diarrhea.  You can call me on that glorious day!"

So I wrote back, "I will.  . . . Because I'll need a place to stay."

A Wonderful Analogy

"Which way to the KKK rally?"

Those of you who are avid football fans will recall that the always outspoken Pittsburgh Steelers defensive maniac, James Harrison, was quoted during the recent lockout, bashing everyone and anyone associated with the NFL, including his own teammates.  When asked about this, Steelers safety, Ryan Clark, said, "Honesty is good, you know?  I think sometimes, the world is much like the people we date, who ask for honesty, and then, when you give it to them, they cry about it.  He was honest."  Delish'!

(Special thanks to Westerbutt for alerting me to this.  If they still did analogies on the SAT's, this should've been on them.)

You're Hot, Too

Poor polar bears...runnin' out of ice, and shit...

It was over 85 degrees in LA recently.  I was taking out the garbage, and one of my neighbors was outside.  He asks me how I'm doing, and I say, good, and then chime in with a "It's hot out today."  His response?  "Not really."  Fuck you!  A) It's over 85 degrees!  That's hot.  Sorry.  B) You're hot!  I can see the beads of sweat on your forehead!  C) I didn't even want to talk to you in the first place!  I was just being nice.  I hope you dehydrate on this refreshingly cool 88-degree afternoon...asshole...

Snap Back to Reality

I have wood.

I was comparing notes with a buddy of mine about girls we've hooked up with: tattoos, piercings, shaving patterns...  So I asked him if he'd ever been with a girl with a clit ring, and right away he exclaims, "Yeah!"  Then he furrows his brow for a second and goes, "Oh, wait.  I think I'm getting confused with a porn I saw."

I Ain't Never Been To Jail!

It's already been broughten!

When I used to cross the street at a stop sign crosswalk, where I clearly had the right of way, I wouldn't give a thank-you wave because I adhered to the Chris Rock school of thought in which we shouldn't be rewarding people for doing what they're supposed to do.  (If you don't get this reference, watch Chris Rock's first stand-up special, Bring the Pain; if you don't enjoy said special, shoot yourself in the face.)

But you know what?  My expectations of people have become so low, because they so infrequently do what they're supposed to, that I now wave when I cross at a crosswalk.  Fuck it.  Give the guy a cookie.  Maybe he'll be encouraged to do the right thing again the next time.  (Unlikely.)

Awesome or Terrible?

"That's my broad, see?!"

A friend of mine recently called to tell me that he saw our mutual friend's ex-girlfriend with a new guy.  He was all excited for our friend, saying, "Her new dude is a total tool!"  Then he went silent for a few seconds and finally said, "Hmm.  Actually, I don't know if that's good or bad."

We went on to debate the topic of what type of person you'd prefer to see your ex with.  Let's start with this scenario, in which the ex is now dating a loser.  On the one hand, you're happy because she's clearly suffering with a r'tard, but does that then mean you were a jackass, too?  Whereas, if your replacement were amazing, you'd be like, fuck you for finding someone awesome and being happy, but you'd also feel kinda good because if she gets awesome guys, and you were hitting that for so long...you must be pretty awesome, too!  Sweet!

In the end, we concluded it's probably best if your replacement is significantly worse or better than you.  Much worse and you're like, serves her right!  And, if she's dating some genius Adonis, you're like, well, at least I had my chance; I can't compete with that dude... 

Actually, scratch that.  Best case scenario?  She dies alone.  Byeeeee.

Gaiety

Now there's something I can get behind...

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he said something stupid, so I said, "That's gay."  Some passerby had the balls to say to me, "You know, you shouldn't say that because--" 

So I cut her off, "--Let me stop you there.  Ask me how much I care that you were nosy enough to eavesdrop on a private conversation and then be bothered by a guy who, himself, wore a Legalize Gay T-shirt last weekend to support the cause, though he himself is not gay."

She stuttered for a second and made some feeble attempt to salvage her pride with something along the lines of, "Well...I'm just saying..."  To which I replied, "We're done here."

Critical Mass

I can't see his grapes.

I've heard a lot of people dismiss fat people's food recommendations on the basis that the overweight must not be discerning when it comes to food consumption.  But I disagree.  People are fat because they appreciate food (and are lazy and soul-less), and they can't stop eating when they find a good thing.  Skinny people eat for fuel; they don't know what they're talking about.  I always side with the fatty in matters of the palate...

Doggy Bag

"Please kill me."

If you take a girl out for dinner, pay for everything, and she doesn't finish her food and gets a to-go box...shouldn't she at least offer you that box of food?  I mean, it's kiiiiinda yours, really, no?  You committed to dinner, not dinner and tomorrow's lunch.  Manners obviously dictate that you turn down that offer, but just something to think about...

Britney's Back!...To Destroying America

They'll have their revenge...

Holy.  Shit.  Have you seen the new Britney Spears video...for "I Wanna Go"?  This is the dumbest, worst thing I've ever seen.  It's just her being a raging whore, with a trashy duck-face cop, and a fat, idiot cyborg bathing in milk?  If today's youth find this funny or clever in any way at all, the Chinese will be our overlords sooner than I even imagined...

The culprit (video):

The Kiddie Pool

I went on a date with a young girl a few months back.  And while this is nothing new, this was the first time I just felt like I was out with a kid.  She wasn't even stupid.  It's just, the amount of knowledge you acquire over the course of an extra decade of life may create too much of a gap.  I can't believe I'm actually saying that.  Still, I couldn't wait to see her again...sooo hot...

Notes of A Dirty Old Man

It's funny how dating changes as you get older.  When you're young, and you go out with some 21-year-old, and she says something like, "I wanna be President!", you're like, "Good for you!"  If you're in your 30's and you go out with that girl, you're like, "Yeah, good luck with all of that.  Call me after Reality's had a chance to shit in your mouth."

The flip side of that is when you actually date a girl your own age, and they've already abandoned wide-eyed optimism for excessive comfort and jaded resignation, like a we-all-shit-so-it's-okay-to-talk-about-anything-way-too-soon-after-meeting-you attitude.  You say something like, "I just took an awesome trip to Thailand," and she replies with, "Oh, I was supposed to go there last year, but I had bronchitis and coughed so hard I got a hemorrhoid and had to have surgery on it."

Great.  Lovely.  Wonderful.  Where do we go from there?  How many dates away are we from you shitting with the door open, at that point?  There's a happy middle ground!  Find it.  I cling to my illusions (i.e. - the person I have sex with doesn't make poopy) like the mentally feeble cling to religion...and guns...and truck nuts.

Waiting List

Lunch is served.

I went to a little cafe for lunch recently, and when I got there, the hostess seemed baffled by my presence as she proclaimed, "There's a wait list, sir."  Really?  A wait list?  That's a little self-important, don't you think?  It's just a wait.  A wait list implies it's going to take a year and possibly several deaths before I'll have the opportunity to receive what I'm requesting.  There was literally one couple in front of me.

Don't Walk in Front of Me...

I was walking with a friend (female) a little while back, and there was a girl walking in front of us with a ridiculous body.  I said something to my friend, and she laughed.  But then, when we passed the girl, we saw that she was only like 15 or 16 years old, and my friend goes to me, "You're disgusting." 

What?!  You didn't have any beef when we were still behind her!  You agreed with me!  She had a ridiculous body, and I stand by that, unapologetically.  I can't control the pace at which nature dictates individuals' bodies mature!  Sorry.  It's not like I would do anything...jeez...

Now this is where some lines have been crossed: http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/doug-hutchison-51-weds-courtney-alexis-stodden-16/story?id=13893244

Trading Races

I saw this black dude hitting on these three chubby white chicks the other day (God bless him), and he goes to one of them, "Girl, you too fine to not have no boyfriend."  And I thought to myself, "That's a double negative."  And then I thought to myself, "No fair.  White guys can't get away with that shit.  That was awesome!"  But then I thought, "Hmm...I guess that's actually more than fair, given the amount of racism black people have had to endure in this country.  I don't think I'd be willing to trade; randomly getting pulled over and beaten by the police for no good reason just to have the ability to be really direct with women?  . . . Nah.  I'll shut up now.