Subscribe to The Curmudgeon!

Google Groups
Subscribe to The Curmudgeon
Visit this group

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

10 Most Masturbated-To (by Me) Girls of the 90's

So, excluding some girls from the one Playboy Magazine I managed to procure, whose names I don't remember, these 10 angels made my already-great teenage years significantly better.  Maybe you enjoyed a similar, intimate experience with these ladies...but don't tell me if you did.  I can get jealous...

First, the classy broads:

1. Cindy Crawford - One of my first loves.  My friend and I were so in love with her that we actually pooled our money to buy her workout video on VHS and set up a schedule in which we'd alternate weeks with possession of said video:

2. Claudia Schiffer - I pretty much had every one of her calendars.  She helped me begin the healing process of forgiving the Germans for the Holocaust.  And like the Holocaust, I will never forget her:

3. Elle Macpherson - Probably my favorite of all time.  She dominated Sports Illustrated's swimsuit editions.  She dominated my masturbation schedule.  And ultimately, she may be responsible for me eventually dying alone, because no one will ever match her beauty:

4. Christie Brinkley - Possibly my first object of affection...other than my stuffed koala bear which was fucking adorable and soft as hell.  Christie marked the beginning of a long-lasting love affair with blondes.  A real no-no as a Jew:

A woman of film:

5. Kim Basinger - Oh, Kim, if you were mine, you'd never leave the house...because you're agoraphobic.  Psychological disorders aside, we'll never forget her nude scene in The Getaway:

Now the TV dames who never really found their way on the big screen:

6. Nicole Eggert - Forget Charles in Charge, this lady peaked in the oft-played-on-late-night-Cinemax cinematic masterpiece Blown Away; there was nowhere to go but down from there.  Rip it!

7. Alyssa Milano - Basically the brunette equivalent of Nicole Eggert, and no less lovable.  She had a chance there with an appearance in Fear, alongside Marky Mark and Reese, but it didn't stick (see Charmed):

8. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen - I keep the "Amber."  Fuck that.  Only good thing about Saved by the Bell:

9. Aunt Becky from Full House (Lori Loughlin) - She feels out of place amongst these sluttier TV types, but I didn't think she quite attained the classy, supermodel status of the first four girls.  Bonus points for her appearance in an episode of Seinfeld:


10. Vanessa Williams - Aside from her brother dominating possibly the best-ever episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, as well as a Proactiv commercial, she was hot.  Very hot.  Her Penthouse spread was legendary:

No comments:

Post a Comment