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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

These People Exist

You know, I try to be all positive and then this shit comes along. Jump to the 1:20 mark to see one of these people who's particularly bothersome . . . and frightening:

Thanksgiving Come Late

I gotta say, getting sick suuucks, especially for an entire fucking week, but I wouldn't mind getting sick for one day every now and then to help me appreciate how fucking awesome it is to be healthy! You always forget because "healthy" is, like, the default setting, but damn it feels good to feel good again!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sweet 17

I've been helping a buddy of mine look at apartments to purchase, an ongoing ordeal since he is, wisely, being extremely selective given the awesomeness of his current abode. Finally, a week ago, for the first time since we first started looking a while ago, we saw one that he loved right away! We walked out, and he knew he wanted to make an offer. To protect the identity of my friend, not that there's anything incriminating in this post, we'll call the apartment complex "Ocean Gardens."

So, the other night, after this same friend went on a date, I called him to ask how it went. And he goes, "She was pretty and cool, but she was no Ocean Gardens. When I fall in love, I kinda wanna feel what I felt when I first set my eyes on unit 17 . . ."

And you know what? He's absolutely right. When you know . . . you know . . . said the single guy . . .

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I finally got around to watching Up in the Air while I was sick this week. Sooo . . . she's just a lying, cheating whore who ruined his life? Ouch.

Smashing. Groovy. Yay Capitalism.

Jesus fucking Christ. I kinda can't wait 'til we go extinct:

(Thanks, Freed!)

Speaking of Bears...

Spirit Bears! I love how the guy describes the natives' name for the bear and breaks it down like it's something profound: "Mulksum means white, and ul is bear." Wow! Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one (SNL reference; couldn't find the video anywhere)?! And if it's just a black bear with rare pigmentation, can't we just record regular black bears and watch the negative of it to get the gist?

Just kidding. I fucking love animals, especially white fluffy ones called Spirit Bears! Watch:

Saturday, November 27, 2010

What's Left to Say?

The rap, the dancing, the recycling of characters no one missed...and how about the narrator's voice in the second clip?! Ugh.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Throat Rape

Sorry I haven't updated the blog in a while, but I've been in bed, miserably sick, for the last week! Basically, it feels like someone raped my throat with some sort of cactus-like dildo. I had about a year-and-a-half healthy streak going there, too...which is a long time for frail Jews like me.

And can I just say, I picked the worst possible time to get sick: holiday season. If you think commercials are bad year-round, they're nothing compared to the shit they rush to usher out in time for Black Friday. There are the always-vomit-inducing Kay Jewellers commercials. This year has also brought with it an especially terrible Target ad campaign for some sort of special sale aimed at mentally disabled women (watch the commercials and you'll see what I mean).

And finally, there are the car commercials. It's irritating enough that there are people running around with enough extra money to buy their loved ones brand new fucking cars as holiday gifts...and I'm not one of them, but I feel like these ads gets worse every year. One has the whole family rigging some elaborate giant stocking as a curtain behind which they hide the new car with which they elaborately surprise Mom. Another one has the car actually parked in the living room of the house. And here, my least favorite of the year. Hyundai trying to "indify" their ad campaign with annoyingly staccato indie versions of the same crap-shit holiday songs I have to hear every goddamn year. Am I supposed to find this awkward girl who keeps nervously looking over her shoulder for the insane serial killer with the beard and weird instruments endearing? Because she's not...nor is the car:

Monday, November 22, 2010


A) Are there any women under 190 pounds in Oprah's audience? B) I think I just got my period from watching this...

Girls Are Retarded

Don't get me wrong; guys are retarded, too. But I don't have to date them, so I don't care.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Defective Children

My friend recently got married. He's 40, his wife is 33. They're both awesome and are in no rush with the big life stuff like kids. But, he and I were walking one day and we saw a dad with his little baby in a baby bjorn, and my buddy goes, "Can you imagine? That could be me in five years."

And I was like, hmm, that's crazy, but I guess it also makes sense. Women have that there clock to worry about, and his wife would be almost 40 in five years, and they say the longer you wait to have kids, the greater the chance that the baby isn't healthy. He acknowledged this and then said, "If only there were a way to delay another five years..."

So I asked him, "If you could be given an extra five years, but you knew your kid would definitely be one of those sick, weak-immune-system, spontaneous-nose-bleed kids, nothing life threatening or majorly debilitating, as a result, would you do it?"

He thought about it for a minute, laughed, and then said, "No. . . . But what does it say about me that I'd consider it?!"

Friday, November 19, 2010

You Failed

I was on a first date recently, and not a particularly good one at that, but the girl was kinda beautiful so I figured I'd at least give it one more shot and follow up. I texted or called, don't remember which, but never heard back. I wasn't going to chase beyond that, but I was definitely curious what her assessment of me/the date was. This stuff fascinates me because everyone is so different!

So, because she was a friend of a friend's friend, I asked my friend to ask his friend to ask her why she didn't want to go on a second date, and to stress that she be honest because I wasn't going to find out, even though that last part was a lie. This is for science, people. Anyway, it turns out she didn't like my sense of humor. When I heard that, my reaction was, "Oh. Well she's wrong. That's awesome." Because I'm fine with my sense of humor as is, and it's not like she thought I was ugly, so I felt like I wouldn't have done anything differently, you know.

And that got me thinking: wouldn't post-date report cards be kind of amazing?! If people weren't such hyper-sensitive pussies and could handle some criticism, they'd become so much more self-aware, and probably way less awful to be around. You know, a few standard questions like, "Did your date talk about exes too much, not at all, or just enough?", or "Did your date get too drunk or not drunk enough?", or "Did your date order dinner even though you only asked her out for fucking drinks?!" And then there'd be a comment section at the end for you to freestyle a little. Then, if you got three date report cards in a row that said, "Rambles on about her ugly cat way too much," you might say to yourself, "Gee, maybe it's weird that I'm so focused on my disgusting cat all the time. What does that say about me?" Although, most likely you'd think, "Men are such insensitive, animal-hating jerks! Everyone's wrong but me." And, of course, the ones doing the grading would probably take out their own issues on the ones being graded. Because people are retarded and self-centered and massively insecure. But if this post-date-report-card system could save even one person . . . just one person . . .

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Walk Nicer

Whenever I'm walking, and I'm behind an old person who's moving really slowly, I'm always hesitant to pass them because I feel bad reminding them of their decrepitude. It's like, you know they don't want to be moving that slowly; they don't want it to take an hour to walk one block. So when you motor by them at three miles per hour, I feel that it's like saying, "See what you used to be able to do?!" and therefore reminding them of their impending death.

So I try to pass them at a relatively slow rate so they can feel like they haven't dropped off that much. So they can think, "Hey! That guy's half my age and he's barely passing me!", you know. Then, as soon as I turn the corner, and they can't see me's off to the races!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I just overheard someone telling a friend that she's a vegetarian, and the friend was like, "Well, I guess I can cook a vegetarian stuffing, and..." then I stopped listening. Look, vegetarians, I totally get it...but you should know you're really fucking annoying.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Getting Old

Yesterday I tried to unlock my apartment door with my electronic car key...

Monday, November 15, 2010


Christopher Hitchens has cancer and some religious people have, therefore, publicly asked if he will now revise his atheist beliefs. Here's his response from an article/interview I just read:

"So now I know that there's another life in my body that can't outlive me but can kill me, it's the perfect moment to gratefully acknowledge that I'm a product of a cosmic design? Who thinks up these arguments? Actually it's an insulting question: 'I hear you're dying. Well wouldn't it be a good time to get rid of your beliefs?' Try it on them and see how they would like it. 'Christian, right? Cancer of the tits?' 'Well, yes, since you ask.' 'Well, can I suggest you now drop all that tripe?'"

He cracks me up. Here's the full article:

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Growing up with Jewish parents who frequently employed guilt as a tactic of persuasion has rendered me virtually impervious to guilt. The one time I do feel guilty? When it takes me a long time to cum while receiving oral sex; I feel bad when that happens. Then, I think, well, she should do better. But then I feel bad again. And then I think, you have a girl's mouth on your penis, why are you thinking this much? And then it takes even longer. And then I feel bad some more...shortly before feeling awesome. Does that mean I'm nice?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Brother Is A Creative Genius

After going on a mediocre date, my brother came home and, in his best movie-trailer-guy voice said, "He was a hopeless romantic . . . but he learned the hard way, that sometimes, the worst thing you can do with a girl . . . is get to know her . . ."

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Don't Know You, But You Disgust Me

I feel like I've asked this before, but are there many things more enjoyable than sitting on a public bench in a high-pedestrian-traffic area and passing shallow judgment on hapless passers-by you don't even know?

Thursday, November 11, 2010


I hooked two friends up a little while back. The guy was nervous and asking me what to say and do, and I was like, "Dude, just keep your mouth shut." She already thought he was cute and had actively asked about him. She's interested; don't screw it up.

The rules are just different for guys and girls. A girl can say whatever she wants (on a first date--over time, you still have to possess desirable personality traits), and if she's hot, the guy won't really care; he'll still hook up with her. But a girl . . . she can get turned off by anything. Anything! One false move, one wrong word, and she can be taken out of the mood like-*SNAP*-that! Talk at your own peril, fellas.

Now if I could only heed my own advice . . .

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


What's the proper etiquette for completing the crossword puzzles in periodicals in public waiting rooms? You can do them, right?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Home Sweet Home

The best things about coming home after a long trip:

--A shower in your own shower

--A shit in your own bathroom

--That first night of sleep in your own bed

--A comfortable, stress-free, Internet-porn-fueled masturbation session

I don't ask for much.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Should I Start A Dating Consultation Firm?

When hooking up with multiple girls over short spans of time, sequence is of paramount importance. You gotta schedule the one who's a little rough with your junk last, because if you get beaten up at the start of your rotation, you're never gonna make it to the end. Also, I've found it best to increase the hotness level as you progress, because with each coming night (no pun intended) it takes more to get you excited. And, if you have a first date, it's a good idea to sandwich it in the middle because you can probably benefit from the physical reprieve, and your confidence will be peaking seeing as you just hooked up the other night and know you will be again in the near future. You're welcome.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Parents Just Don't Understand

I recently had a platonic female friend stay over at my apartment, and when I told my parents, they gave me a hard time for making her sleep on the couch and not giving up my bed.

Look, if you're my friend, you get the couch. I don't care if you're a girl, if you're just a friend, you get treated like all my other friends. If I'm trying to fuck you, you get the bed . . . with me in it. That's a very simple, and I think logical, rubric.

Friday, November 5, 2010

JAM It Up Your Ass, Brah

I hate guitar solos, and I hate the people who obsessively like them. Same goes for jams and jam bands...ugh. Why are you so excited that Phish played a 74-minute version of one of their already-shitty songs?! (Sorry, Dave, Danny, and Micah.) That's retarded, not a selling point! You should be demanding a refund for the cost of your ticket!

Now, that being said, I fucking love the guitar solo at around the four-minute mark of Dinosaur Jr.'s "Get Me." I'm a hypocrite. So what? It's my blog; I do what I want. Listen to it. So good...

I couldn't find the original album version with the solo I like, but this is a good acoustic version:

Thursday, November 4, 2010


How about this for a law: if you're doing construction on a major, heavy-traffic road, you don't get to close off that entire lane for a full unnecessary mile on either side of the actual site. Deal?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Know When To Shut Your Face

Isn't it especially obnoxious when someone screws you over and then says something like, "Well, we can all learn from this, at least."? Really? What did I learn? That you're an asshole? Maybe a neutral party can say something like this, but certainly not the offender. If you're exposed as a terrible person, please just walk away...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker

A few months back, I had the misfortune of catching a couple episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker. That woman, Patti, is out of control. Abrasive, bitchy, hard on the eyes . . . and how defensive can someone be about ageism?! Patti, you didn't have trouble getting guys because of your age; you had trouble attracting men because you're fucking frightening and it looks like you let a three-year-old apply your makeup with finger paint.