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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Travel Log Part VI: Dong

What a vibrant dong!

Vietnamese currency is the dong.  This is good for endless fun.  Here are a few examples from our trip:

--"Whip out your dong."

--"I'll be paying with dong."

--"Pull your dong out of your jeans."

--"That's a huge wad of dong."

--"Can I hold your dong in my pocket?"

--"That girl just touched your dong."

--"I don't know how I'm gonna fit all this dong in my pants."

--"What color is your dong?"

--"Give that chick your dong."

--"That guy was so excited when I gave him my dong."

You get the idea.  Like I said, endless...

Monday, August 29, 2011

Travel Log Part V: Fortunate Son

"It ain't me, it ain't meeee!..."
I gotta say, as the plane was coming into Vietnam for a landing, I was very disappointed that they didn't play any Creedence Clearwater...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Travel Log Part IV: Manners

"Allow look up your skirt."
 On the first leg of my flight to Southeast Asia, they played a couple short animated videos before the plane took off.  One was of a guy sneezing on another passenger, and the other was of a maniac child ruining everyone's flight.  At the end of each ad, this appeared on the screen, "Beautiful manners make you smile."  I knew it was gonna be a good trip (video):

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Travel Log Part III: Simply the Best!

The best mantra...

The aforementioned family trip was to Israel.  I love a lot of things about my motherland, but they are seriously insecure over there.  That's right; I said it!  You've never heard an entire population say that everything is "the best" as much as you do in Israel.  "I know a place that has the best hummus."  "You have to go here for the best shawarma."  "You never seen an apartment like this in America; these are the best apartments."

But my favorite was when my father's lawyer there tried to tell me that Israel was the best at being the worst!  He was talking about the problem of the increasing gap between rich and poor in Israel, and I said, yeah, we're having the same problem in the U.S. right now.  And he said,  "No.  Not like here.  Here it is the most."  And I argued, because I have an issue with not being able to just let things go, but you get the idea.  It's an entire country of one-uppers.  Israel is the best at being the best... Just ask them.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Travel Log Part II: Suffocation

"I feel smothered..."

I wrote this upon my return from a family trip to Israel...

I just got back from a family vacation that I couldn't afford and didn't want to take in the first place.  Let me preface this tirade by saying, I love my family . . . but, I don't think you understand the degree of suffocation imposed by them.  Imagine every time you leave a room, being asked, by three people, where you're going.  Imagine then being asked where you were and what you were doing, every time you enter a room, again, three different times, by three different people.  And this is all within the confines of a small three-bedroom apartment.

Also, imagine having someone knock on the door every time you go to the bathroom!  Seriously.  Even if you did just say, "I'm going to the bathroom," during your "exit interview" in the room you previously occupied.

And finally, imagine, that on the rarer-than-a-dodo-bird occasion you actually get to sneak away for a meal, or a walk, alone, or even with just your brothers, you get multiple phone calls checking in!

My little brother and I left a day before our parents, and I'm not kidding when I say, that when dropping us off at the airport, they parked so they could come inside and literally fucking stare at us from across the room for 25 minutes while we waited in line to check our bags!

Did I mention that I got called fat like a dozen times?  I put on a solid 10 pounds before this trip because, in order to take this "vacation" that I never wanted to take in the first place, I had to work seven days a week for several weeks prior in order to make up for the time I was going to lose while away, and that didn't leave much free time for basketball.  Last.  Family.  Vacation.  For.  A.  While.

Oh, and I got sick when I got back because I didn't sleep the entire trip because my big bro was sick in the large bed, and I had to share a room with little bro, in which we had beds that were so narrow I was forced to sleep on my side...because I'm fat...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Travel Log

"Snooki want smush smush!"
Alright, so I know I've been neglecting my Curmudgeonly duties of late, but for the four of you who may have actually missed me, I'm gonna try to force in some entries over the next few days...much akin to how Snooki forces her sloppy meatball body into human clothing.

At the end of last year, I got a chance to do some traveling, some for pleasure, some not-so-much, so for a change of pace, I think I'm going to do a brief series on those travels.  I was in Israel, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand (man, my life looks good from a distance), and I took a few (very few; don't get too excited) notes while I was away.  Should be interesting to look back.  I'll start now, with my first note, from LAX...

Airports are breeding grounds for passive-aggressive behavior.  People cutting in lines, trying to squeeze past other people in aisle ways, violently putting seats back, digging knees into violently thrust-back seatbacks, forcing luggage into overheads with complete disregard for others' property...  It's awful...and hilarious. 

(I've touched on this before, but I obviously felt so strongly about it that I needed to make another note about just months after the original post: .)

Monday, August 22, 2011


My bad...
Sorry for the lack of updates lately.  More to come soon, I hope.  Been supremely busy, and I'd rather not sacrifice (what I deem to be) quality just to get some posts up.  In the meantime, I have had time for the occasional sarcastic, enraged quip on Twitter.  You don't even need an account to check 'em out.  Hopefully these will entertain you until I get some more posts up here:!/imthecurmudgeon

An example of the latest: "'Reverse rape'...when a woman rapes a man, or when you take a crap so big it hurts on the way out?"

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I WISH It Could Wipe Out A Whole Generation!

It's been more than four hours...

Uh oh!  Women might get free birth control!  Noooo!!!  (Men get free Viagra, FYI.)

People's stupidity knows no bounds.  It's one thing to argue against free health care; it's another to bolster that argument with blatantly retarded and sexist reasoning.  As is often the case, Colbert says it best (video):

Monday, August 8, 2011

But How Else Could You Explain It?!

"And ye shall be a scarecrow unto future generations of retarded Saudis..."

So in the wake of the destruction of September 11th, there remained, among the debris, some metal beams joined perpendicularly, as pretty much all metal beams are when used in the construction of a rectangular edifice, that Christians have clung to as the "World Trade Center cross," as though this was some sort of sign from God.  Turns out, other morons agreed, and are going to make these metal beams a part of the Ground Zero Memorial.  And, in response, some petty atheists are going to sue.  And while I agree with Jon Stewart (watch video below) that this lawsuit seems a bit frivolous, I disagree with his attack of this fucking awesome quote from David Silverman, president of the American Atheists:

"The WTC cross has become a Christian icon.  It has been blessed by so-called holy men and presented as a reminder that their god, who couldn't be bothered to stop the Muslim terrorists or prevent 3,000 people from being killed in his name, cared only enough to bestow upon us some rubble that resembles a cross."


Here's the two-minute segment from The Daily Show:

Thursday, August 4, 2011

La La La! I'm Not Listening!

"Inspector Todd, that's how big the tranny's butthole was!"

My little brother was mocking my belief that women's buttholes are exclusively vestigial because they do not make poopies, so he texted me, "God.  I can't wait for if and when you move in with a girl, and she gets explosive diarrhea.  You can call me on that glorious day!"

So I wrote back, "I will.  . . . Because I'll need a place to stay."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011



You ever eat something, and some crumbs get on the table, and when you go to blow them off the table's surface you end up accidentally spitting more food on the table than those crumbs had represented in the first place?  Yeah, me neither...

Monday, August 1, 2011

A Wonderful Analogy

"Which way to the KKK rally?"

Those of you who are avid football fans will recall that the always outspoken Pittsburgh Steelers defensive maniac, James Harrison, was quoted during the recent lockout, bashing everyone and anyone associated with the NFL, including his own teammates.  When asked about this, Steelers safety, Ryan Clark, said, "Honesty is good, you know?  I think sometimes, the world is much like the people we date, who ask for honesty, and then, when you give it to them, they cry about it.  He was honest."  Delish'!

(Special thanks to Westerbutt for alerting me to this.  If they still did analogies on the SAT's, this should've been on them.)