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Tuesday, June 29, 2010


You're not allowed to eat something that requires the use of a spoon while driving. Sorry.

Ad Absurdum

Here are my two least favorite, recent commercials. We are really dumbing things down when we turn to CGI animals to sell things. This is like dancing babies or old people, stupid and completely base:

Curmudgeon of Note

Jack Kevorkian. Now that guy is one awesome curmudgeon. Watch the documentary on him that's out on HBO, now. Interesting dude, for sure:

Monday, June 28, 2010

Homeless OBGYN

My buddy and I saw a homeless dude yesterday with a shirt that read, "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look." Awesome.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I Guess It's Called Hogwarts for A Reason

I think the message is pretty clear here: if you're such a nerd that you become obese while sitting at home masturbating to fantasies of you winning the MVP of your Quidditch league, then let this serve as a reminder that you're unhealthily fat. Do something about it for your own good, and stop blaming other people for not catering to your unwieldiness:

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Write Write Something About Yourself

(No, that's not a mistake in the title.)

You know how a little under your Facebook profile picture where, in case you didn't have enough room in the blank pages of your "Info" section, it gives you a little space to write and says, "Write something about yourself"? And you know how some people think they're really clever and literally write, "something about yourself" in that given space? (These people are like those teachers you used to have who, when you asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?", would respond with, "I don't know, can you?", and then flash some self-satisfied smirk on their sun-spotted faces). Well, the other day, I came across someone so dumb, that instead of writing "something about yourself," he wrote, "Write something about yourself." He fucked up an already utterly retarded joke. It annoyed the shit out of me.

Funny Evil

The other day, I saw a car with a parking ticket on it, and on the outside of the ticket, someone wrote in pen, "HAHA!"

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How To Urinate on Someone's Heritage

If you actually are a descendant of some sort of native tribe, you know what's gotta suck? Seeing pasty, white, drunk spring-breakers desecrating the memory of your ancestors (who, incidentally, their ancestors endeavored to eradicate from the face of the earth) making tribal tattoos synonymous with white trash.

It's almost like if Stars of David became popular in Germany, and every other German kid at Oktoberfest had a ring of Jewish stars tattooed around his/her bicep. Not cool...

Monday, June 21, 2010

It's That Time of Year Again...

...Top Chef is back on the air with a new season, and I'm reminded of much I'd like to bang Padma.

In My Dreams...I Hate You

Ever have a dream about someone close to you screwing you over in some really wrong way, and you wake up genuinely pissed off at them in real life? And then it takes a little bit of time before you're no longer mad at her/him, even though that person never actually did anything wrong! Oh, dreams...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

LOL! OMG, You're So Funny, Babe. What're You Doing Tonight?

How retarded is it when couples who live together in committed, long-term relationships communicate with each on their Facebook walls? We get it: you're together and you talk to each other.

Can't you guys just call, text, or email one another? Or, just roll over in bed and say what you have to say. Are there not enough private venues in which to plan your day that will, and I don't think I'm going out on a limb here, inevitably end in the same location? You had to take it into the public sphere? We're already incessantly bombarded with everyone else's inane drivel in the form of real-time status updates. (Oh, really? You're in line behind a fat person at the bank? Traffic sucks? You just ate ice cream? You can't believe [insert name of reality TV actor whose only validation comes from the knowledge that morons like you are watching] just got eliminated from [insert name of terrible reality show with self-important, overly dramatic judges]? No one fucking cares!)

Be happy you found someone who doesn't make you want to jam freshly sharpened pencils in your ears every time he/she speaks, and please spare the rest of us your uninteresting private lives.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Trial by Fire...crotch

Last week alone I saw four attractive redheads! That's gotta be a record, considering that, prior to last week, I'd only seen, like, three over the course of the entire rest of my life . . . total. I think God is trying to lure me into having ginger offspring as punishment for all the terrible things I've said about those pale, freckle-faced freak shows. I'm not falling for your tricks, God! I'm onto you!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Yet Again, Asians Succeed in Technology, Fail in Human Interaction

No, I'm not talking about my ex-girlfriend, I'm talking about a (South, duh) Korean couple who neglected its actual, living, breathing baby in favor of a virtual one. Their real baby died of starvation.

I'm torn on this one. On one, totally obvious, hand, it's really sad because a baby was essentially murdered slowly. On the other hand, if we're talking bigger picture here, this couple clearly shouldn't have been breeding in the first place, so things kinda worked themselves out, no?

Anyway, it's kind of an old story, but it's new to me, so you get it now. Here's the article:

Not Everyone Likes Your Fucking Dog!

Seriously, control your fucking pet. If I wanted a gross, wet nose pressed against my shin and little white scratch marks, I'd call your mom. It's bad enough I have to pretend you're normal while you pick up an animal's shit with your hands using only a porous plastic also have to have your maniacal, untrained rat of a dog on one of those "limitless" leashes? Those things should be outlawed, and offenders punished with . . . something hyperbolically severe.

How about this? If I have to deviate from my pedestrian path for your dog, I should be allowed to kick it. Actually, what am I saying?! It's not the poor dog's fault you're using him to plug some emotional void. I should be allowed to kick you! . . . in the face! . . . Sorry, little buddy. Good boy! You're a good boy!


On a tangential note, I don't think I've used the word "tangential" in this blog yet and I really wanted to, so...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Progressively More Annoying

I'm guessing that by now the Progressive Auto Insurance girl has gotta know everyone hates her, right? How much do you think she overcompensates when she meets new people? Trying extra hard to be subdued and not annoying... Or, do you think her friends all lie to her and tell her she's funny?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Don't Hate Daniel Tosh

So I have to admit, I dismissed this guy after seeing him do one bad stand-up set, but then I caught this the other night, and I'm willing to give him another chance. I give credit where credit's due:

I Hate Video
Web Redemption2 Girls, 1 Cup ReactionDemi Moore Picture

This Has Gotta Be EXACTLY What Jesus Had in Mind...

Wow. I don't even know where to begin. I stumbled upon this gem the other day while doing a little research on the Terry Schiavo case, randomly enough, and was just completely overwhelmed. I tried to make sense of it and find specific items to mock for you guys, but there was just too much.

Can you imagine the ADHD, schizophrenic, severely repressed, self-loathing sociopath who sits at home updating this thing?! He/she is like a hoarder of useless (as if there's another kind) Jesus information. Peruse the home page, click a link, whatever . . . Between the clutter, the colors, the moving text, and, of course, the content, I promise, you will not be disappointed. Enraged? Perhaps. But you will certainly find endless hours of entertainment. You're welcome:

I'm Shallow

I know this sounds bad, but I was telling a friend of mine tonight, if I don't date the best looking girl in her group, it never feels right. The notion that if we end up together I'll always secretly want to bang her friend is just more than I can psychologically bear...

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why Am I Still Not Getting Paid to Write Movies?!?!

Watch this preview for the upcoming Marmaduke feature. Please watch until the end because that's when it gets really good:

What the fuck?! This is not funny! In any way! Who thought, "Hmmm, I think it's time to bring Marmaduke back into the social consciousness. The kids have really been clamoring for Marmaduke." . . . Right, since they all read newspapers and know who Marmaduke is. Fucking. Retarded. I've broached this with a handful of people since first having my brain stabbed by this preview last week, and they all say, "It's a kids' movie," like that's a defense, or something. Just because it's for kids, doesn't mean it's required to suck. Up was good, Jungle Book was good, Dumbo was good, Finding Nemo was good . . . Can we at least try to not make the next generation dumber than the moronic, spoiled, ungrateful, vapid one that's floating through high school right now? Please?

Friday, June 11, 2010


Who'd have thunk it, huh? Costner solved the oil spill sitch':

Kinda makes up for goofy scenes like this:

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The King > The Closer

Awesome article. I've always said that Kobe's shooting percentage on game-winners isn't actually good, and he would be way more clutch if he learned to pass the ball to someone who was much more open at the end of games, like Jordan learned to do (had he not, we probably wouldn't remember the names of these unlikely heroes: Bill Wennington, John Paxson, Steve Kerr, and Jud Buechler).

That's also why I think LeBron is more clutch at the end of games, because he's willing to get another shooter a good look rather than force up a heavily-contested one. Players in the NBA are at such a high skill level that almost all of them have an excellent chance of making a shot at the end of the game, especially if you can get them open looks. That being said, if I did have to pick one guy to take a final shot, it very well could be Kobe, but that's a different question...

Here's the article:

"Use Somebody...For Her Skin"

Here's the highly anticipated follow-up to "Taco Heaven" ( My writing partner and I threw this together last night. We are deeply disturbed.

We put it up on YouTube and FunnyOrDie, so if you like it, please be sure to visit both links and rate it/comment favorably. If you don't like're wrong.


FunnyOrDie (vote!):

I've embedded it, too, so you can watch it here, but please go to the actual sites...for me... Enjoy!

Monday, June 7, 2010

In Defense of Fairness...

This post was prompted by the recent flotilla bullshit in Israel. Before this incident, I thought a flotilla was something that came with rice, beans, sour cream, and guacamole. Please watch these videos first for what I deem some much-needed perspective, and then I'll explain my thoughts in more depth:

Let me begin by saying that I am often a self-loathing Jew. As a whole, the Jewish people do not do ourselves many favors in the way of PR. From Madoff, to organ-thieving rabbis in New Jersey, to the Orthodox in minivans driving worse than Short Round in The Temple of Doom, sometimes the wrath we incur is of our own doing.

And regarding Israel, I fully acknowledge that Israel has made many mistakes with its handling of the Palestinian situation, one of the most infuriating of which was razing perfectly functional infrastructure that was on the land that Israel returned to the Palestinians a few years back, right before returning it. I, like the overwhelming majority of Israelis, want a two-state solution. I'm saying all this to provide context, and to make it clear that when I get pissed about the biased coverage, that means it's getting pretty ridiculous.

Bill Maher accurately provided some important perspective: the land in which the Palestinians in question reside, is land that was taken by Israel in 1967 as a direct result of Israel being attacked by the surrounding Arab nations that wished to wipe the Jews in Israel off the face of the Earth. Maher also explained that when Israel recently returned this land, taken after a direct attack, and gave the Palestinians the autonomy to elect their own leaders, which is a right they certainly should have, the Palestinians elected Hamas, a group that openly strives for the destruction of Israel. So given this context, how can Israel possibly allow ANY shipments, peace mission or not, to come into Gaza without first inspecting them?! No one's saying don't let Gaza receive much-needed aid, but to allow deliveries to freely enter Gaza is absurd by any standards. Neutral U.N. officials should oversee the inspections if people are actually concerned with Israel stealing goods meant for the Palestinians, but the passengers on board these ships don't get a free pass just because they claim to be on a peace mission. Israel, since its inception, has had its civilians murdered by Hamas-backed attackers pretending to be peaceful bystanders.

With specific regard to the flotilla incident, I don't know exactly what happened on the ship, so I can't speak definitively either way about the actions of the Israeli soldiers who boarded it. It seems that they used excessive force, especially if all the passengers were, indeed, on a peace mission, and if that proves to be the case, then it's fucked up. No doubt. Those soldiers should be punished. But bottom line, the amount of international outrage resulting from this incident is so clearly disproportionate to the level of wrongdoing, that it becomes difficult to deny that it reflects some specifically targeted hatred of Israel and/or Jews.

Let's be honest here, what empire throughout history was not built on the backs and blood of others? God knows we did that here in America. Israel can hardly be called an empire, of course; it's a tiny sliver of land sandwiched between the sea and much-larger countries that pray for its destruction. But Israel wasn't built on the blood of others; it was built on the blood of its own people, six million of them, to be more specific. There were already Jews (and Arabs, for sure) in the land that is now Israel before the influx of Eastern European Jewry in the immediate wake of the Holocaust that nearly wiped them out (my grandparents included). There are plenty of Christian countries, there are plenty of Muslim countries, and, essentially as an apology from the world, tiny Israel was given as a Jewish state, where the survivors whose families were obliterated could feel safe. (Personally, I'd be just fine with zero religious states, but in the interest of fairness...) Side note: Great Britain did a masterful job of stepping out of what they knew would be a messy situation and keeping their hands clean. Bravo, chaps!

Israel has been relentlessly attacked throughout its short history, yet still remains the lone beacon of free, Western civilization in that entire region of the world. If the world wants to criticize Israel for its transgressions, I'm all for that; no one is above reproach, and everyone should be held accountable for his/her actions. But please maintain perspective when doing so, because the current level of overreaction looks an awful lot like antisemitism, and that is not something we should be comfortable with...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Someone Else's Joke

My friend, Geno (, told me this one the other night:

Two cannibals, father and son, are trekking through the jungle. They've been walking a long time and are extremely hungry. The son appeals to his father, "I'm so hungry, daddy."

"I know, son. I am, too. We'll find food soon," the father says.

They march on a while longer when they eventually come upon a small oasis. Tucked away among the dense trees is a pristine pond. As they admire it, a stunningly beautiful, naked, 18-year-old girl emerges from the water, Phoebe-Cates-style, water cascading off her perfectly supple breasts. The father is mesmerized until he feels something tugging at his loin cloth. He looks down to see his young son look over at the naked girl, then up at him, and say, "I'm really hungry, daddy."

The dad replies, "I know, but change of plans, son. We're going to sneak up on this girl, kidnap her, and bring her back home with us... Then we're gonna eat Mom."

Original Joke

Q: What do you call a Jewish lesbian?

A: A bull-kike.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Oh No You Hermaphrodi'int!

I know a girl who, when she was little, her older sister (lied) told her that she was born a hermaphrodite. Her sister immediately followed this astonishing news with, "If you ask Mom, she's just gonna lie and say it isn't true."

Let's pause for a moment to fully appreciate the degree to which this girl's older sister was an evil mastermind. "If you ask Mom, she's just gonna lie and say it isn't true."?! There's no way to disprove that!!! The only source that could've discredited the older sister's declaration has now been compromised by that simple, little, alarmingly cruel caveat. I mean, I don't know the exact number, but you have to figure this poor girl thought she was born a fucking hermaphrodite for years! She walked around with this notion in the back of her head, that she was born with a penis that had been chopped off, and that her parents were lying to her to keep it a secret. That's insane! . . . And hilarious.

(Special thanks to H . . . for being born a disgusting hermaphrodite!)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The End of Slurpees

Imagine the attacks of 9-11 had instead transpired on July 11th. Think about it . . .

An addendum: Several people didn't get this one, so I'll explain... If the attacks of September 11th had occurred on July 11th, we'd be referring to 7-11 instead of 9-11. 7-11 is the name of a popular convenience store. So every time George W. "Fuckwit" Bush spouted off about "the terrorists on 7-11," the international monolith known as 7-11 would be getting bad press, which would then have probably forced them to change the name on their stores. That's all.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Ca-gay

Is it just me or are a cappella groups always nerdy?

Kind of Apt

I thought this was curmudgeonly enough, no?...

Bill Gates Hates Africa?

Someone close to me actually said these things during a conversation we were having about Bill Gates giving a lot of money to charity:

Person Close to Me: What is Bill Gates thinking?! Malaria and AIDS are the best things that ever happened to those people.

Curmudgeon: THOSE people?

Person Close to Me: In Africa.

Curmudgeon: So let me get this straight, you're saying malaria and AIDS are good for the already-impoverished people in Africa? That statement just came out of your mouth?

Person Close to Me: Shut up. It's your fault; I said it because you laughed.

Curmudgeon: That makes no sense! I didn't laugh until AFTER you said it!

Person Close to Me: Yeah, but I only said it because I knew you'd laugh. That makes it your fault.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

"Funny" Website

I'm a grammar "Nazi," so this "website" brings me endless "joy" . . . and pain. Check "it" out:

(Thanks, Chu-Chu...)