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Thursday, December 30, 2010


Girls, when you're handling a man's schlong, cadence is very important. It's extremely frustrating when you're really close and the girl changes her rhythm, or stops to switch hands, or whatever. (In all fairness, I recognize the same is true when guys are trying to get a girl off; maybe even more so.) You almost have to start all over again. And then you can't help but think, "Well, if you had just stuck with whatever you were doing before you switched things up, we'd be done by now..."

But maybe that's my own issue because I've always had trouble moving past things. When I was younger, and the Knicks were actually good, I would always get hung up on missed foul calls (Charles Smith getting fouled multiple times under the basket! Reggie Miller blatantly shoving Greg Anthony to the fucking ground!), and for the rest of the game, or series, I'd obsess over it, like, "If they hadn't fucked up that call, we'd be still be up two, with possession, and..." blah blah blah. But at the same time, I feel like I'm compensating for the majority of people, who consistently overlook the potential impact of small errors. Minor momentum changes in games, as in life, can have major--wait. How did we get here again?

Oh yeah. If you're blowing a guy and he's close, don't fuck with the rhythm.

Monday, December 27, 2010

That's Sooo Gay

Gayest hate crime ever:

"Hey, let's force this guy to strip naked and then shove something up his ass! Then everyone will definitely know we're not gay!" How insecure was this gang?!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Kwanzaa!

I leave for vacation tomorrow morning, so the posts will be few and far between for the next couple weeks . . . though that's more because you guys will be occupied and less because I'm away.  Anyway, happy new year, and, sincerely, thanks for reading...


So there's a new MTV show (yes, that MTV, but stay with me here) called The Vice Guide To Everything, and it's pretty damn interesting.  As usual with half hour non-fiction, they're forced to squeeze too much into too small a window, and you find yourself frustrated that you're not being provided with a more thorough, complete education on each topic.  So far they've gone to North Korea, hung out with Russian mobsters, patronized a mom-and-pop strip club at someone's parents' house in Detroit, visited a Mexico-border-crossing theme park, and most recently, this

This video is of the most recent episode in its entirety, because they didn't provide smaller clips of individual segments, but I'm posting it because I want you to watch just the opening segment and marvel.  It's footage of an annual arms, as in weaponry, convention, that is attended by high-level military personnel of pretty much every country.  Yes, officials from warring armies have the audacity to mill about the same convention center smiling and shaking hands with each other, while purchasing weapons they will then use to kill each other.  Countries' weapon manufacturers will sell weapons to their friend's enemies, their enemies' friends, or even directly to their enemies themselves, even though those weapons will be used against them . . . though not personally, of course.  Just against the lowly underlings they command, who happen to be humans.  It's completely absurd, and highlights the meaninglessness of everything, I think.  Seriously, the government doesn't give a shit if you die, as long as the people in charge, and their cronies, are living well.

Wallow in the despicability:

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm Rich, Bitch!

My buddy and I were talking about how regular, hot girls can so easily bang celebrities; it really just requires a chance encounter.  In fact, I know many girls who have turned down famous dudes who hit on them while out at a bar.  By comparison, think about how hard it would be for a regular, attractive guy to sleep with a female celebrity?  Nearly impossible.  I've never heard a story of a guy rejecting a famous chick. 

And then my friend goes, "If you're a hot chick, and you don't end up rich . . . you fucked up.  Full stop.  You fucked up.  Look at yourself in the mirror, and figure out where you went wrong when God gave you a golden ticket."

(Special thanks to my friend . . . who will remain nameless, for his own sake.)

Shut Up Already!

I'm all for diplomacy and being sensitive to people's local traditions/preferences, especially given how ignorant Americans generally are about the rest of the world, but this is getting ridiculous.  People need to calm the fuck down about stupid shit . . . here in America, too, but this particular example is the latest to get me all fired up.  I'm starting to warm to the idea of nuking the planet and starting over again . . . if it weren't for all those damn adorable animals!  Read:

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I've been told, on numerous occasions, that I come off as a woman hater in this blog.  While I see where these people are coming from, let me give several reasons why those whores are wrong:

1. I love women!  Already, with three simple words, I have refuted their argument.  But seriously, I love women.  So much so, that I have extremely high expectations of the ones I choose to be around.  So maybe that means I'm all the more disappointed when they fail to meet those lofty (unrealistic?) expectations...

2. Following from reason number one, I don't date men, so they're not disappointing or annoying me nearly as often or in the same way as women are.  Hence, I don't complain about them as much.  Let me make this clear: men are insecure retards, too . . . I just don't give a shit because it doesn't affect me.  (Although, many women have argued that they, themselves, are disappointing and annoying in the ways I find them to be, because insecure and abusive men have made them react in those ways.  To which I ask, "So, you're arguing that you behave a certain way towards men because you essentially . . . allowed men to make you behave that way?"  Hmmm.  Granted, not even nearly all the women I've encountered champion this argument, but I've heard enough say it that it bore repeating.)

3. And finally, I don't ignore our innate gender differences (see previous posts about The Pill:, and women in the workplace: and  We are certainly equal, but we are certainly not the same.  Stop pretending like we are.

Watch back when Kevin Smith was good:

Monday, December 20, 2010

Yimmy's Yayo

I may have plugged this dude's site before, but I really enjoy it.  He's a photographer who puts up images and videos of other people's stuff that he appreciates for any number of reasons.  Sometimes funny stuff, sometimes nudie pics, sometimes just plain old fashioned art...ya nevah nevah know.  When you're too lazy to read words, here's some "visual crack for the ocular fiend," as he puts it.  Enjoy:

Deck My Balls

Anyone who actually likes holiday music is unbearable to be around.  Period.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Slippery Slopes

At the end of the month, I'm traveling to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand.  The most frequently asked questions after I inform anyone of this are prostitution-related, with a hint of ladyboy.  I think the most interesting part is that some of these people are dead serious, so let me explain why I think there's a very low probability of me putting my penis in an oft-shared vagina.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong, I totally get the appeal of prostitution; the idea of paying a hot chick to let her do whatever you want to her does seem kinda (very) fun every now and then, especially if you're busy with work and don't feel like putting in the extensive effort it takes to convince a normal hot girl to let you do stuff to her.  Because we all know, in the words of Oscar-winners Three 6 Mafia, "it's hard out here for a pimp."

But, no.  Uh uh.  If you've read my blog for any prolonged amount of time, you know the germ-factor alone is enough to dissuade me from sticking my P in any heavy-traffic V's.  But moreover, I have major moral issues with it, believe it or not.  Not in general; I actually believe prostitution should be legal, while strictly regulated, even if it isn't my cup of tea (for my more detailed explanation, read:  But prostitution in poor, third-world countries is not regulated at all.  Many women, or more accurately, girls, are forced into it.  And, those who aren't physically forced into it, but choose it , are often, as women, extremely limited in their options of viable career paths.  In a lot of these countries, a woman's body can be her sole financial commodity, and thus, while not forced into a life of prostitution, it may be the best way for her to earn enough money to be independent.  I don't really feel comfortable contributing to the perpetuation of that market by increasing demand.

You could, of course, argue that this monstrous market isn't going to miss my nominal contribution, and you'd probably be right.  Furthermore, you could even argue in favor of me contributing to that market by saying that if I give these girls more money, I may be affording them a better opportunity to escape their environments more quickly.  But to me, that's like giving money to homeless addicts when you could be donating it directly to rehab/treatment facilities instead.  Call it a philosophical difference.

Now for the caveat: the "Old Fashioned."  That is, the hand job.  This is the slippery slope, the gateway sex act, the weed of the prostitution world...  In the case of the ol' HJ, there is no penetration or risk of disease.  The prostitute is essentially giving you a massage in a region of your body where you don't usually get one.  No one would question it if she massaged the same spot on your back for about seven-and-a-half minutes in order to relieve some stress, but if she flips you over and moves about a foot south, it apparently changes things.  You could definitely rationalize it this way, saying it's just a massage . . . with a better feeling in the end, and she doesn't have to sacrifice her body.  Win-win, right?

Don't worry.  For the record, I'm still opting out.  I'm just saying . . . I understand.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Pill

I recently read an interesting article in New York Magazine about how The Pill has resulted in a sort of "fertility crisis."  Not for the reasons you would think (i.e. aggressively fucking with a woman's body's natural hormonal fluctuations and cycles), but more because women often stay on it until they're well into their 30's, essentially ignoring biology to pursue careers, or just be free, and then expect to be as fertile as they would have been had they gone off it by their late 20's. 

But alas, the body doesn't work like that, and women are more frequently confronting the harsh reality that the freedom afforded them by The Pill has been accompanied by the potential cost of not being able to have children.  In a way, by comparing themselves to men, or maybe more accurately, needing to compete with men in a very real way in order to gain financial independence, women have neglected to fully acknowledge genuine physical differences that, I won't say limit them, so much as should probably lead them to reevaluate and create different, viable paths . . . if they even want to have children.  I think somewhere in the article there was talk about women having children in their 20's, when their bodies are most receptive to that, and starting careers later in life, altering the new traditional paradigm.

Generally, feminist organizations adamantly support The Pill and attack women who suggest alternate paths, such as the one I just mentioned, as anti-feminist, and supporting the male agenda.  But the article eloquently points out that it has been a very long time since men have viewed women as threats who need to be disarmed through incapacitation, “There’s a strain of feminist thought that’s still trapped in the mind-set that the male patriarchy wants women pregnant and has been withholding things like abortion and contraception from them because of it.”  The whole point of the article is to say that The Pill, while shockingly safe and pretty magical, is not completely magical in that it does not change the fact that women's ability to get pregnant decreases with age.

Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is to say that The Pill has led to people having fewer babies, and it's being called a fertility crisis. Crisis?!  I don't see what the crisis is.  Science wins again.

Here's the article, in case you want to read it:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Now I Feel Unappreciated

I saw a homeless guy with a sign the other day.  It had the usual "I'm a Vietnam vet, give me money, blah blah blah" stuff going on, but then at the end, it said, "or at least eye contact and a smile."

I do that anyway!  'Cause I'm a nice person.  But when you go and make a sign like that, now I feel like you think I'm only doing it because you told me to and that's annoying.

I guess I've just always hated being told what I'm supposed to do.  It's like, no, I knew that already and would've done that on my own.  I want to be appreciated for not having to be told what logic and common sense and basic humanity already dictate.  How else are we supposed to distinguish between the assholes and the good ones?!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Low T

Just saw one of those new prescription drug commercials.  It asked, "Are you a 45-year-old male who doesn't feel like he used to?  No energy for those 18 holes?  No more passion for women like you had?  No fun for dancing?"  Then they went on to say, "You may be suffering from a condition called, 'Low Testosterone,' or 'Low T.'"

No shit!  You're 45!  Of course you don't feel like you used to!  Of course your testosterone levels are dropping!  They're supposed to!  That's not a condition, it just is!  Enjoy your newfound freedom from obsessing over sex 24 hours a day, and get some reading done, or something.  Jesus.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


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I was having lunch with my married friend the other day, and we saw a smoking hot girl.  She was wearing knee-high socks and a skirt, showing just the right amount of thigh.  Then, she bent over to more thoroughly study the bottom-shelf muffins, accidentally exposing her glowing, smooth, perfectly tan, taut--Whoa!  Sorry.  I just blacked out there for a second.  What was I talking about? Oh yeah!--she exposed her breathtaking 19-year-old ass, in her cute, white boy shorts, and my friend turned to me and said, "You know, the only thing I miss about unmarried life . . . is fucking lots of girls.  That's it."

Which, obviously, is hilarious because, what else is there to miss?!  That's the whole thing! 

Then, later, we again found ourselves talking about the muffin girl's muff, and my buddy shook his head and said, "If my wife knew the shit we talked about..."  And I asked, "Would she actually care?"  And he replied, "C'mon.  Let's keep it real.  I don't think she'd be too thrilled to hear me perving out on some teenage girl's knickers."

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Soulmate

There's a new documentary on HBO called Public Speaking.  It's directed by Martin Scorsese and features Fran Lebowitz, the famed New York author, who may actually be more famous for her several-decade-long bout of writer's block.  Anyway, I think Fran is my soulmate . . . if only she were straight, hot, and, like, 23 years old . . .  Oh, well.  Here's a preview of the film:

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Green Means Go

This is how stupid people are: Sometimes, at intersections, there are cops directing traffic exactly as the fully functional traffic lights above their heads dictate.  Ugh.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Curmudgeon Mailing List!

Hello, my loyal Curmudgeon followers!  You'll (hopefully) be happy to know that I finally got around to setting up a mailing list for The Curmudgeon.  This required some technological prowess I didn't know I possessed, but it is now done.  Now, every time there's a new post, it will be sent directly to your email! . . . As long as you write your email address in the box at the top of the blog and click SUBSCRIBE.

Keep in mind, it still helps me if you go to the blog itself, AND, there are often videos posted that won't be viewable in the email you receive, but it's a great shortcut for those days you're in a rush or even, God forbid, forget to check the blog itself.  Please refer all your friends to the blog and tell them to subscribe to the mailing list, too! 

You can still also follow me on Twitter: . . . (I know; Twitter.)

Thanks for reading, and enjoy!
--The Curmudgeon

P.S. Warning: a lot of email accounts are redirecting the mailing list confirmation emails to spam, so please make sure you check your spam box.  Thanks!

Friday, December 10, 2010


Why do Orthodox Jews always look like they're in a rush?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

My Favorite Music of 2010

Here it is again. My annual, end-of-the-year music list (though I last year's was a month late: ). I recognize that not all of these songs were released in 2010, maybe not even most of them. It's my list, and these are the songs I listened to the most in 2010. This isn't a music blog; deal with it. This takes time and effort to compile, so fucking appreciate it...and enjoy it... Oughta keep you busy for a while:

1. Rural Alberta Advantage's "In The Summertime" and "Don't Haunt This Place." "In The Summertime" is probably my favorite song of the year. I still have yet to tire of it:

2. Frightened Rabbit's "Nothing Like You" and "Swim Until You Can't See Land." This is far and away one of my favorite (relatively) new bands. I liked their last album better, but this one was pretty fantastic, too, and their lyrics are pretty damn good:

3. We Were Promised Jetpacks' "Keeping Warm." These guys remind me of Frightened Rabbit, who, as just mentioned, I love. This song has a little too much instrumental action going on for a vocals guy like myself, so feel free to skip the first four minutes to get to the meat...though the build-up is rather nice:

4. Phoenix's "Countdown (Sick for the Big Sun)." Yeah, everyone's heard about these guys by now, but this is one of their less-appreciated awesome songs:

5. Ra Ra Riot's "Can You Tell." They're like a better version of Vampire Weekend. They just released a new album this year, but this one is off their older, better album. Sorry, guys:

6. Vampire Weekend's "Cousins." Now, having just said what I just said about Vampire Weekend, they do have some pretty good songs, too. Here's one of the better ones. Plus, their new album was better than their first:

7. The Long Winters' "Portland (acoustic)." This band's really good and never gets any credit:

8. The Format's "Faith in Fast Cars (acoustic)." Great band. No longer in existence. Reincarnated as Fun...not as good:

9. Greg Laswell's "I'd Be Lying" and "Comes And Goes (In Waves)." This guy's made a few pretty good albums already:

10. Broken Bells' "The High Road." Broken Bells are the lead singer of The Shins and Danger Mouse, and they put out a pretty great album this year:

11. Aqueduct's "Just The Way I Are." This song is years old, by a band no one's really heard of, off an amazing album, with the kind of depressing lyrics that I like, and it reminds of someone specific, so it was in heavy rotation this year. I could only find a poor quality live version:

12. Nas and Damian Marley's "Patience." So not my normal bag, but I had this thing on repeat for, like, two months!

13. Harvey Danger's "Pike St./Park Slope." An incredible, old, obscure song from a band that, unfortunately, is only known for "Flagpole Sitta":

14. Weezer's "Kids/Pokerface." Self-explanatory. Kinda sad that Weezer's best new songs are covers, but this is pretty awesome. I especially love the part at the beginning when he fucks up what year it is!

15. Steel Train's "Bullet" and "Fast Asleep." Now, granted this is a friend's band, but these are some pretty great songs. I wouldn't force them upon you otherwise... Promise:

16. Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over." Sure, everyone and their mother's heard this song by now...especially since they used it in the preview for that shit-bomb, Eat, Pray, Cock...but for good goddamn reason:

17. Old 97's "The Magician." I've loved these guys for a very long time. This is off their new album, and this was the best version I could find:

18. Dave Smallen's "America." Never heard of this guy and don't even remember how I ended up with this song, but it popped up on shuffle, and I've taken quite a shining to it:

19. Cee-Lo Green's "Fuck You." Another popular one by now, but fuck that "forget you" version. This is the way it was meant to be:

20. The Revivalists' "Soulfight." Don't remember how I even heard of this one, but I don't care. This was the only version I could find. Quality's pretty eh:

21. Clem Snide's "Faithfully." Well, it's not really Clem Snide's; it's Journey's. Regardless, this is an awesome cover it:

Clem Snide covers Journey

22. Elvis Perkins' "While You Were Sleeping." Pretty haunting song, especially when you delve a little deeper into the subject matter. Hint: this is off an album that deals with his mother's death on one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers on September 11th. Yeah. I know. Stop bringing us down, right? So selfish:

23. Noah's "Cheers to the Vampires." This is my little brother, and he's really fucking good...I think. Didn't have a video to embed because he recorded this on his bathroom floor (hence the recording quality) one exceptionally depressing evening, or "Tuesday," as he likes to call it, so here's a link. Listen:

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

If Anything, I Care TOO Much

I'm trying to sort out if my complete lack of interest in most other people and everything they do means I'm selfish, or that I just care that much more genuinely about the people who are actually close to me...

And To My Dear Cat, Princess, I Bequeath...

Is it weird that my mind sometimes wanders into what I would say in my will? I don't have any money or property or kids, and, barring some freak tragedy, many years of misery still await me on this granite-encrusted orb. And yet...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

God Is Great!...Sometimes

My level of tolerance for a girl's inane religious beliefs varies directly with her hotness.


I know I've posted stuff about him before, but Jim Jefferies is f-ing incredible. Love this guy! Enjoy these video clips from his new stand-up DVD.

(Incidentally, if any of you happen to know him, or know someone who does, please let me know. I'm being completely serious. I need to ask him something. Just comment on this post.)

Monday, December 6, 2010

John McCain Is Officially A Complete Prick

Clip from The Daily Show about the whole "don't ask, don't tell" conversation. Pretty pathetic that time and, more insultingly, money, is even being spent at all to debate this. Why people are so obsessed with taking away other people's civil rights even in cases where it wouldn't affect them is far beyond me. McCain has really become a pathetic, little man. Sad:

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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Purportedly Magic Jew

Here's a pretty hilarious exchanged between a parent and an Australian school Christian Volunteer (a title formerly known as School Chaplain) regarding a permission slip to see a play about Jesus' resurrection:

(Thanks, Z!)

Friday, December 3, 2010


After the recent, much-hyped, WikiLeaks release that basically exposed what we already knew (i.e. - people talk shit about other people behind their backs), certified genius, Stephen Colbert reported, "A [US diplomat] called French President Sarkozy 'thin-skinned' . . . which I'm sure will upset him."

I love Colbert.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

At Least It Has Donkey Rape

Kazakhstan has decided to defend itself against what Borat has done to its reputation by creating a sequel! I'll bite. And as my friend said after reading this article, "Well, at least it has donkey rape." Agreed.

Read here:

In-The-Way People

I love Bill Burr. He gets me. If you're bored at're welcome:

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Wizard of Just Plain Rude

It always bothered me that at the end of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy, right in front of everyone, tells the Scarecrow she's going to miss him the most. Kind of insulting to the others, don't ya think? Even as a kid I thought that. At least discreetly slip him a note, or something.