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Thursday, July 28, 2011

You Go, Girl!

Biker chicks are hot.

The gist of my friend and his girlfriend's thoughts after seeing a scantily clad chubby girl who they decided had been obese before and lost a lot of weight, and was therefore comfortable showing that amount of skin despite still being kind of sloppy:

Just because a fat girl loses a ton of weight, it doesn't automatically make her hot...  Although, there's probably a good chance she'll do a lot more in bed because she's so excited to show off her sleeker body and flaunt her newfound confidence stemming from a spike in male interest.  Plus, she'll probably have cultivated a pretty good personality by then, out of necessity, from all those years of being fat.  Those are some pretty big pluses!

Were they trying to convince me to bang a fat chick?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Jerk Store

All that jazz...fingers.

I was driving in Santa Monica, and some guy on a bright pink bike was riding outside the bike lane (i.e. - in my fucking way despite the existence of an area delineated specifically for him), so I honked.  Obviously.  He got all pissed off, because, despite its ubiquity, somehow, no one is yet equipped to comprehend the mechanics of anger, and yelled, "Fag hater!"

First of all, "fag hater?"  Awesome.  On multiple levels.

*Second, I pulled to the side of the road, impeding his forward progress, rolled down my window, and replied, "Dude, I don't care if you're riding a rainbow-colored bike where the seat is a giant black dildo that has to be inserted into your rectal cavity while you sing Liza Minnelli and wear a feather boa in order for the pedals to work...stay in the fucking bike lane or deal with getting honked at."

*This last portion of the story may represent what I was THINKING, and WOULD HAVE said, had I had the time/patience to actually pull over and confront this guy.  But you can bet...Jerk Store woulda' smoked that guy!!! 

Do yourself a favor; watch this.  They disabled the embedding feature, so you have to just click on the YouTube link.  Don't be lazy.  You're welcome (video):

Monday, July 25, 2011

You're Hot, Too

Poor polar bears...runnin' out of ice, and shit...

It was over 85 degrees in LA recently.  I was taking out the garbage, and one of my neighbors was outside.  He asks me how I'm doing, and I say, good, and then chime in with a "It's hot out today."  His response?  "Not really."  Fuck you!  A) It's over 85 degrees!  That's hot.  Sorry.  B) You're hot!  I can see the beads of sweat on your forehead!  C) I didn't even want to talk to you in the first place!  I was just being nice.  I hope you dehydrate on this refreshingly cool 88-degree afternoon...asshole...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Snap Back to Reality

I have wood.

I was comparing notes with a buddy of mine about girls we've hooked up with: tattoos, piercings, shaving patterns...  So I asked him if he'd ever been with a girl with a clit ring, and right away he exclaims, "Yeah!"  Then he furrows his brow for a second and goes, "Oh, wait.  I think I'm getting confused with a porn I saw."

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Ain't Never Been To Jail!

It's already been broughten!

When I used to cross the street at a stop sign crosswalk, where I clearly had the right of way, I wouldn't give a thank-you wave because I adhered to the Chris Rock school of thought in which we shouldn't be rewarding people for doing what they're supposed to do.  (If you don't get this reference, watch Chris Rock's first stand-up special, Bring the Pain; if you don't enjoy said special, shoot yourself in the face.)

But you know what?  My expectations of people have become so low, because they so infrequently do what they're supposed to, that I now wave when I cross at a crosswalk.  Fuck it.  Give the guy a cookie.  Maybe he'll be encouraged to do the right thing again the next time.  (Unlikely.)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Awesome or Terrible?

"That's my broad, see?!"
A friend of mine recently called to tell me that he saw our mutual friend's ex-girlfriend with a new guy.  He was all excited for our friend, saying, "Her new dude is a total tool!"  Then he went silent for a few seconds and finally said, "Hmm.  Actually, I don't know if that's good or bad."

We went on to debate the topic of what type of person you'd prefer to see your ex with.  Let's start with this scenario, in which the ex is now dating a loser.  On the one hand, you're happy because she's clearly suffering with a r'tard, but does that then mean you were a jackass, too?  Whereas, if your replacement were amazing, you'd be like, fuck you for finding someone awesome and being happy, but you'd also feel kinda good because if she gets awesome guys, and you were hitting that for so must be pretty awesome, too!  Sweet!

In the end, we concluded it's probably best if your replacement is significantly worse or better than you.  Much worse and you're like, serves her right!  And, if she's dating some genius Adonis, you're like, well, at least I had my chance; I can't compete with that dude... 

Actually, scratch that.  Best case scenario?  She dies alone.  Byeeeee.

Friday, July 15, 2011


Now there's something I can get behind...

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he said something stupid, so I said, "That's gay."  Some passerby had the balls to say to me, "You know, you shouldn't say that because--" 

So I cut her off, "--Let me stop you there.  Ask me how much I care that you were nosy enough to eavesdrop on a private conversation and then be bothered by a guy who, himself, wore a Legalize Gay T-shirt last weekend to support the cause, though he himself is not gay."

She stuttered for a second and made some feeble attempt to salvage her pride with something along the lines of, "Well...I'm just saying..."  To which I replied, "We're done here."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Stuart Smalley Knew

"Fuck all y'all."

If you like who you are, it makes it pretty tough to experience regret... (video)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Critical Mass

I can't see his grapes.

I've heard a lot of people dismiss fat people's food recommendations on the basis that the overweight must not be discerning when it comes to food consumption.  But I disagree.  People are fat because they appreciate food (and are lazy and soul-less), and they can't stop eating when they find a good thing.  Skinny people eat for fuel; they don't know what they're talking about.  I always side with the fatty in matters of the palate...

Monday, July 11, 2011

Doggy Bag

"Please kill me."

If you take a girl out for dinner, pay for everything, and she doesn't finish her food and gets a to-go box...shouldn't she at least offer you that box of food?  I mean, it's kiiiiinda yours, really, no?  You committed to dinner, not dinner and tomorrow's lunch.  Manners obviously dictate that you turn down that offer, but just something to think about...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Britney's Back!...To Destroying America

They'll have their revenge...

Holy.  Shit.  Have you seen the new Britney Spears video...for "I Wanna Go"?  This is the dumbest, worst thing I've ever seen.  It's just her being a raging whore, with a trashy duck-face cop, and a fat, idiot cyborg bathing in milk?  If today's youth find this funny or clever in any way at all, the Chinese will be our overlords sooner than I even imagined...

The culprit (video):

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

SoBe It

You know what I love about the new SoBe commercial starring Major League Baseball pitcher Jered Weaver?!  The part where they shit on starving children by substituting apples for baseballs.  That's so awesome!

Here's the commercial (video):

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Kiddie Pool

I went on a date with a young girl a few months back.  And while this is nothing new, this was the first time I just felt like I was out with a kid.  She wasn't even stupid.  It's just, the amount of knowledge you acquire over the course of an extra decade of life may create too much of a gap.  I can't believe I'm actually saying that.  Still, I couldn't wait to see her again...sooo hot...