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Monday, February 28, 2011


Why does Kmart always smell like farts?  It's like this ubiquitous, sulfuric bouquet...  Can't I buy my Hanes V-necks and laundry detergent without subjecting myself to olfactory rape?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

You Think The Honey Badger Cares?

I've been obsessed with this video for weeks.  You will thank me for this.  If you don't find this funny, you're probably not human . . . or just not funny, yourself (if you're getting this via email, do yourself the favor and go to the actual site so you can watch):

Okay, bonus videos...

Vampire bats:

Great whites:

(Thank you, Wexies!)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Whoopsi Goldberg

I'm speechless...and nauseous.  Thank you to The Mimsies for unearthing this gem (video):

Friday, February 25, 2011

Wash This

I love these "Samaritans" who write "wash me" in the dirt on your car.  Lemme guess: you don't have a job that prevents you from having time to go to the car wash?  Go put another thousand-dollar spoiler on your twelve-dollar Civic . . . cock.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Who Am I Mad At?!

One major downside to being inundated with ego-stroking "happy birthday!" Facebook wall posts is that it makes it nearly impossible to keep track of who you're supposed to be mad at for forgetting your birthday!  (Kidding.  People who get mad about that shit are annoying, and you should view their self-important anger as your window of opportunity to escape that relationship.)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Still No Gray Pubes! Woohoo!

...Though the salt in my pepper has been slowly migrating from the sides of my head to the top... Slowly.

It's my birthday today!  I'm old.  Well, older than I want to be.  I may have said this before, but I'm at the age where I can't really impress anyone anymore.  Like, I remember being a kid, and hearing about successful athletes who were only 20 years old, or college kids inventing ______, or a 27-year-old entrepreneur bathing in liquid gold after selling the domain name (I have no idea if that's a real URL; click on that at your own risk...and report back), or whatever.  But now, if I do anything, it's like, yeah, big fucking deal; you're supposed to do shit.  Now get back to work, you unimpressive, expectation-meeting turd!

Anyway, I was talking to my buddy and the aforementioned depressing thought process manifested itself as, something along the lines of . . . "Fuck."  And, sensing my disappointment, this mensch of a friend said, "Dude.  You're still picking up 19-year-olds; you have nothing to worry about!!"  Hell.  Yes.  God bless him.  I feel great!

Also, the Knicks got me Carmelo Anthony (of the famed, inner-city Baltimore "Stop Snitching" campaign) for my birthday!  In my decades of loyalty as a Knicks fan, this the only thing that prick, Dolan, ever did for me.  Well timed, at least.

[If you're wondering what the relevance of the picture is, don't strain yourself.  It's just my birthday, and that's what I wanted to look at.  With a little (a lot of) luck, I will be following something very similar up some stairs this evening...]

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

We're Not So Different, You And I...

I look at women the same way they look at babies and puppies: Awww, I want that!  But then, once I get it home, I realize it's way more responsibility than I was ready for.  So why do women pretend to not understand men's desire for variety?

How about another analogy: shoes.  I know it's cliche, but women love shopping for, and purchasing, new shoes.  They have a perfectly good pair at home, but that doesn't curb their desire for new and different ones.  Get it?  Neither party has to act on these desires in either scenario, but that doesn't preculde said desires' existences. 

To be fair, buying new shoes usually does not result in the emotional crushification of another human being.

Monday, February 21, 2011

You're Not My Skype

I was on the phone with my brother who lives in NY the other day, and he goes, "We should Skype!"  No.  We shouldn't.  Guys don't Skype with other guys.  You're gay. 

Looove yooouuu...

(You have no idea what I had to sift through to get the picture for this post after Googling "gay video chat."  Appreciate...)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Never Miss A WNBA Eastern Conference Finals

In light of the NBA's All Star Weekend, I thought I'd share a recent Tosh.O "commercial" for the WNBA that is actually a spoof of the Super Bowl commercials about the old guys who have never missed a Super Bowl, even if it meant missing funerals and weddings, etc, that were airing non-stop leading up to the big game...  Anyway, I've included one of the original ads first, and then Tosh's.  Notice the Subaru.  Enjoy:

Saturday, February 19, 2011


This pistachio ad campaign is out-of-control stupid.  The leaps of logic required to connect the people/statements in their commercials to the eating of pistachios are far too great.  I'm officially boycotting pistachios. 

Here are a couple of their commercials so you can be motivated to join my very worthy cause (if you're receiving this via email, please go to the website to view the videos):

Friday, February 18, 2011

At Least I'm Not A Kid Diddler

You know what I realized the other day?  I generally won't jaywalk if there are kids around.  Just in case they're not paying any attention (which is pretty much their default setting) and run out into the street because they peripherally see me start to go.

See, I'm not all bad.  Life is like prison; there's a hierarchy.  Like, in a prison of murderers and thieves, they can still find the moral high ground to pass judgment on the lowly child molesters . . . and rape them.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Speaking of A&E's Heavy... Have you seen it?  It's about morbidly obese people who have reached a crossroads in their lives and decide they need to do something about it . . . with the help of subsidized personal trainers, and therapists, etc., over the course of six months. 

Anyway, it's pretty good, but a lot of people I've spoken to have had the same complaint that I have.  While the realism is appreciated, it's not quite dramatic enough.  Like, despite significant weight loss, they're still obese at the end.  The way I see it is, if I look at the juxtaposed BEFORE and AFTER pictures, and I wouldn't make fun of the AFTER person any less if I didn't have the BEFORE picture right there for comparison . . . then the show needs to be reworked.  Maybe give them a full year, or something?  I don't know.  Bottom line, back to the drawing board.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Reminder: if you're a fan of this blog, please remember to sign up for the Google Groups mailing list at the top of the homepage if you haven't done so yet.  No spam.  Just my complaining.  Straight to your inbox.  Also, if you have a Twitter account, please follow me there:!/ImTheCurmudgeon

Alert: if you are already a member of said mailing list, you may have noticed that technology has failed to implant the embedded videos in the email versions of my posts.  Therefore, until I figure out a solution, in order to view the videos that accompany some of the posts, you will need to go to the actual website:  Sorry :(

Thanks for reading!


Is it weird that I get hungry every time I watch A&E's new show, Heavy?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Real" Ingredients. Sure.

I hate these Domino's Pizza commercials where there's a Q&A session with "real" people, when suddenly, the walls collapse and reveal a lush lea where Domino's ingredients are supposedly grown.  The test group members are utterly shocked by what they see . . . but . . . did they fucking teleport there?  Wouldn't they have noticed the vast acreage of farmland when they pulled up to get paid in free-pizza coupons for answering questions about delivery fast food?  I'm not buyin' it.  Here's one of the commercials:

Monday, February 14, 2011

Great Song

One of my favorite songs ever.  I just felt like posting this version because I was listening to it today.  I've included the lyrics, too...because they're fucking good:


The screen door slams, Mary's dress sways
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again, I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside, darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

You can hide `neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero, that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
This two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back - Heaven's waiting on down the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
Riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road,
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run
Oh Thunder Road, sit tight take hold, Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely and there's words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free, all the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn you hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary climb in
It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win.


I hate when you pay for something, and you hand the cashier your credit card, and they swipe the card and then put it on the counter instead of handing it back to you.  If I hand you something that's mine, for temporary use, you hand it back to me.  You don't put it down on an other-people's-filth-encrusted, wet, sticky counter top.  That's just rude!  Next we'll work on eye contact and saying "you're welcome."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Current Top 10

Because, why the hell not?  I had a half hour to kill.  Here are the 10 girls I've been most infatuated with of late:

1. Olivia Munn (video game nerd/Daily Show correspondent)

2. Stormi Henley (former Miss Teen USA/American Idol constestant...briefly)

3. Alexandra Lawn (of Ra Ra Riot)

4. Grace Park (hot actress in new crapfest remake of Hawaii Five-O)

5. Sofia Back D'Elia (from MTV's Skins)

6. Sofia Vergara (Modern Family, butt)

7. Kherington Payne (former SYTYCD contestant)

8. Ivana Milicevic (actress I've always loved)

9. Jessica Biel (duh)

10. I couldn't commit to a number 10.  I live in LA; number 10 changes daily.  Lake Bell and Jessica Alba were strong considers, but let's be honest...this is almost completely arbitrary.

This was fun...for me.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Shooting Oneself in the Foot

One downside of writing an unfiltered, stream-of-consciousness blog is that it prevents your exes from ever having a chance to miss you.  You know that dark side of you that secretly hopes your ex-gee-effs-slash-bee-effs will die miserable and alone never having ever gotten fully over you? . . . No?  Just me? . . . Tough crowd . . .

Anyway, I feel like this blog allows my ex-girlfriends to enjoy my humor without having to sleep with my marginally-above-average (?) physique.  In fact, not only will they not have the opportunity to miss me while over-idealizing the times we shared, there's a strong argument to be made that this blog actually, specifically reminds them of all the things that really annoyed them about me in the first place!

So, again . . . you're welcome!

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Who knew Chipotle was a hot Asian mecca?!  Too bad I can't eat there anymore without thinking of this South Park episode:

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Robin Hood That Shit!

You know how when celebrities go to restaurants, or bars, or clubs, they get treated like royalty and are often comped?  I take issue with this.  Why is the wealthiest, most successful person in the establishment getting his/her shit for free?  It's insulting.

So I propose the following: every time a rich and famous person dines out and the management would have covered his/her tab, one lucky table of other, regular diners gets its meal on the house, and the celebrity, who now pays for his own meal, gets the credit.  Like, "Gentlemen, your meal is on the house this evening, courtesy of young Master Bieber..."  Bieber tips his fresh-out-of-the-box purple Yankees cap to you, you nod back...  Everyone wins in this scenario!  The randomly selected table enjoys a surprise gift, the rich dude feels good about himself, and restaurant management probably ends up covering a cheaper tab because the comped patrons didn't know their meal was going to be free prior to ordering, while also drumming up a little extra business with a new gimmick... Whaddaya think?!

Then again, maybe people who haven't done anything special enough to be rich and recognized don't deserve a free ride...those useless, faceless, sycophantic leeches...

(Just so yous know, I wrote this post BEFORE I found the accompanying picture.  I had no idea Bieber had a purple Yankees hat.  That was just supposed to be a joke.)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The End of the NFL...For A While?

In light of the NFL season coming to a close, and especially given the looming threat of an increasingly likely lockout, I want to post some comments Hines Ward made prior to the Super Bowl because, while I don't particularly like the Steelers (too rapey), I like that Ward usually speaks pretty candidly about the hypocrisies of the League's administration.  Also, I think he has a very strong point here.  For context, NFL players were shown an instructional video outlining the new guidelines regarding what types of hits are appropriate, and which ones are illegal and therefore subject to heavy fines/suspensions.  Those guidelines are notoriously ambiguous, and the fines levied, very player-specific (though often deservedly, given certain players' histories).

Here's what Ward said: "Man, nobody paid attention to that video. We don’t know what they want. They’re so hypocritical sometimes. They came out with these new helmets that are supposed to stop concussions. If they care so much about our safety, why don’t they mandate that we wear the new ones? If they’re so worried about what concussions will do to us after our careers, then guarantee our insurance for life. And if you’re going to fine me for a hit, let the money go to veteran guys to help with their medical issues. To say the league really cares? They don’t give a fuck about concussions. And now they want to add on two extra games? Are you kidding?"

Doesn't bode well for next season...

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Picture of Dorian Graypubes

Sometimes I feel like I'm starring in Oscar Wilde's only novel...except I'm the painting, and my taste in girls is Dorian Gray.  You feel me?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Re: NFL Punt Returns...

How does someone not die on every punt return?!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Buzz Killingtons

Mexicans, Blacks, Jews, Gays . . . they all seem to have pretty good senses of humor when it comes to people poking fun at their denominations.  The most humorless people in the world?  Religious Christians and Muslims.  How annoying are these people?  It's like two groups comprised entirely of members who take themselves really really seriously . . . and those are the worst kind of people.  They really need to learn perspective.

These people exist as members of general population, as well, but mainly as outliers.  We all know that one jackass who ruins every joke by knowing someone who's afflicted by whatever it is you're making fun of.  You make a racist joke, and he goes, "My friend is black, and his dad was lynched."  You make a mom joke, his mom's dead.  You say "retard," his brother's Gilbert Fucking Grape.

I knew a guy like this growing up, and someone made an orange juice joke.  Orange juice!  Everyone was laughing, and then parade-rainer goes, "I knew this guy, who was tripping on acid, and he thought he was a cup of orange juice, and he wouldn't let anyone touch him because he was scared he would spill," which I thought was actually funnier than the original joke.  But no.  He couldn't even let me have that.  He followed that one up with, "No, I'm serious.  It was really bad.  His parents had to put him in a mental institution and everything."

Uggghhhhh . . .

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I had a thought the other day: Wouldn't it be awesome if they made America's Funniest Home Videos: The After Show? They could show the hysterical, slapstick clips and the audience cracking up from the original airing of the show first, then interview the people who were in the clip, in current time, still severely crippled even after years of slightly-less-hilarious physical therapy...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Holocaust Humor

My student told me this one:

"Did you know my great-grandfather died during the Holocaust?  . . . He fell off a guard tower."

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Law of Averages

"If a hot mom is just too old for you, and her hot daughter is just too young for balances out if you hook up with both of them at the same time, right?"  --Anonymous

[For the record, the picture is a joke.  I am not attracted to toddlers (yet).  If you can't take a joke, you probably shouldn't be reading this blog.  Fuck off.]