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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Big Blacks

I was walking down a side street the other day, and was about to cross to the other side when I saw two, 6'4"-ish, jacked black dudes walking towards me on my side of the street.  So, I held off on crossing the street and stayed on the same side until we passed each other because I know racist people have been known to cross the street when they see "dark" people coming their way, and I didn't want these guys to feel uncomfortable.  Does that mean I'm racist or highly empathetic?  (Because I feel like I'm often preoccupied with other people's comfort levels.)

But then I thought, "Wait!  Why should I have to carry other people's white guilt if my family was all in Eastern Europe during Slavery, then being butchered in the Holocaust, and then being discriminated against alongside black people right here in America prior to the Civil Rights Movement?!" 

But I guess that's why moderate Muslims who have never wronged anyone might feel compelled to be extra affable to compensate for their retarded, extremist brethren.  When you're a member of a group that includes high-profile assholes, it kind of falls on you to dispel popular misconception.  Accordingly, I always tip well . . . because I'm a Jew . . . unless the service was just awful, because they need to learn a lesson.  What am I, made of money?  Oy.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

We're Over-Dramatic Retards

Is it just me, or are the Japanese handling this catastrophe infinitely better than we would be?  In fact, I would argue that we reacted more insanely to the NON-threat of their radiation melting our faces than they did to the whole situation!

Monday, March 28, 2011

I Need A Car Wash

Now, as you know, I'm normally not a proponent of this high-wasted fashion thing, but I think I can find it in my heart to make an exception here.  Although, I am worried she might ruin the car's interior.  She should've put the top back up...(video)

About a girl from Bobby Gilanyi on Vimeo.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Have Some Dignity

If you ask if someone's single, and they say "very" . . . that sounds desperate.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Traffic: Solved! . . . Partially

A few mornings ago, there were three different old people badly holding up rush-hour traffic at three separate junctures.  Like, severely fucking up the flow of traffic for everyone involved.  Now, I used to be all for keeping the elderly off the roads altogether, but I recognize that's unrealistic, impractical, and probably unfair.  (I still propose mandatory annual driving tests for anyone 70 and over, though.)

Anyway, this recent experience inspired a solution that I think could work: old people can't drive during morning and evening rush hours.  Simple and elegant.  It unclogs the roads at the busiest driving times and causes less stress for those older drivers who can't really handle busy roads at those high-traffic hours.  Whereas in the past, they might've been embarrassed to admit to being overwhelmed by the bustling activity of rush hour, now they'd have the perfect out, "I wish I could drive there now, but it's against the law!  My hands are tied."  Win-win.  Winning...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


An unenlightening article.  Oh, women like being ignored?  Thanks for the news flash, assholes.  Now stop misallocating resources, and go invest that money in inventing condoms that don't deaden your penis nerves...

Best line: "The authors believe psychologists have underestimated the effects of a woman’s obsessing."

Here's the article:

(Thanks, Nads...)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Impish Imps

I was in Starbucks the other day and it was lousy with maniacal children.  One was trying to steal his mom's phone, and she kept holding it up and away from him as he jumped and screamed, instead of just smacking him like she should have; another was repeatedly smashing his toy into the table while his terrible father remained criminally silent; and then a third spawn of Satan knocked over the entire display rack of gift cards, VIA packets, and CD's.

Prognosis for the odds I will one day procreate: bleaker by the second.

Monday, March 21, 2011


I was at the supermarket the other day, and I was reminded of how spoiled we really are, as Americans.  We have such excess that at those gourmet food counters, they offer you free samples, free food . . . and people say NO!  While I was there, five people, including me, turned down free samples of whatever we wanted while we waited for our orders of more food to be ready.  You know, so we wouldn't get bored...or hungry?  Ridiculous when you actually think about it, right?

Can you imagine that happening in Africa?  People turning down free food?  Or in any other impoverished country where they eat dirt sandwiches...without bread...for that matter.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Involuntary Fallout

I was sick a little while back and...  Hey, fellas, you ever cough while taking a piss?  It sucks.

(Please appreciate that I had to sift through some pretty gross porn to get that image.  Type "piss on seat" into Google Images with the Safe Search off and see what happens...)

Friday, March 18, 2011


I think I'd rather die than have a car drive through a filthy puddle and splash me in the face.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ash Wednesday

I know Ash Wednesday was last week, but I've been busy.  I wrote this then, have been thinking it for years, and am finally posting it now:

Seriously with that shit on your foreheads?  You look like fucking idiots.  Grow up.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Poor Parenting

If you're a girl, and you have a name that should end in "y," but ends in "i" . . . your parents did you a huge disservice.  They effed up.  Things will probably not go well for you . . . Brandi, Staci, Brittani, Traci, etc...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Marla Hooch...What A Hitter!

On my most recent flight from NY to LA, the two flight attendants in my section were Chris Farley and Marla Hooch.  Seriously, there needs to be some sort of size limit for this position, because if you can't walk through the aisle without shattering my scapula, even when my shoulder is not protruding into the aisle...then you're too big for your job.  Sorry.

If you absolutely feel you need to be in a job that prizes diffusion of responsibility and lacks human warmth and compassion, while still allowing you to be unhealthily overweight, may I suggest postal worker? . . . Or bank teller, or TSA employee, or a whole host of other bureaucratic  positions in local or federal government...

Monday, March 14, 2011

Too Soon?

"How many Japanese people do you think died because they were photographing the event?"

--Seth Davis

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Tide Has Turned

Well, they've finally done it.  The Chinese have finally surpassed the United States of America as the world's greatest super power.  Congrats, fellas.  Check this out (if you're receiving this via email, please go to the website to watch the following video or else the comments that follow will make no sense):

Man, I could probably watch that thing on a loop for, like, an hour...without sound, of course.  Forget science and math scores!  They've out-shittied us on the infomercial front while simultaneously encouraging their next generation to out-whore us.  Those are the true measures of a prosperous democracy.  We're done for!

(Thanks, Shirsies!)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Best Clip EVER

Caught this one on The Soup a couple weeks back.  This might be my favorite clip ever in the history of the show.  (Watch it while you can; not sure how long it'll last up on YouTube):

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Wanna Share A Cab?

My buddy was telling me about how he was out a couple weekends ago, and he and our other friend left the bar at the end of the night, and met a couple of also-drunk girls on the street, who proceeded to get in a cab with them to go to an undisclosed location of my friends' choosing.  We were marveling at how trusting girls can be in those situations (as I've often wondered before:  My retard friends happen to be pretty good guys; these inebriated ladies were doomed to nothing worse than a morning of minor self-loathing and shame.  But how do you get in a cab with a couple of guys you met on the street just seconds earlier?! 

Anyway, the rest of the conversation went like this:

ME: Can you imagine if the people we were sexually interested in were physically stronger than us?!  I'd never trust anyone; I'd be scared all the time!

FRIEND: I wouldn't.  Because I'd want them to rape me.

ME: Good point.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Hitler Joke

Q: Why did Hilter kill himself?

A: He got the gas bill...

Monday, March 7, 2011

Why Does Your Relationship Status Still Say "Single"?!

I saw a girl driving the other day, and she had a license plate frame that read, "I have a boyfriend."  Possessive much?!  I'm pretty confident he beats her...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

...Not 'Cause I Hate Cha

Enough with the rap lyrics as your Facebook status, people.  I have good friends who do this.  I don't care.  Stop.  Especially if you're not even going to use quotation marks or provide a video.  Then you just sound extra stupid.

That being's the best rap song ever written (video):

Friday, March 4, 2011

Sanity Calculation

Your mastery of rational processing is inversely proportional to the number of pets and polka-dotted clothing items you own.  Fact.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Fashion Tip

If your fat rises and wraps around your bra straps...then I shouldn't be seeing them when you go out.  Simple.

Enjoy my artwork...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Funny Pics from My Bro

My little brother has a blog on which he posts many pictures (  I can't keep up, nor do I particularly care to...but there's some pretty funny stuff up there.  It's his birthday today, so in his honor, here are my three most recent favorites:


And, probably the best picture I've ever seen...


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Carolla Steals My Shit

I had a rant all planned out about rescue animals, but then my friend sent me this link to some bloviating by Adam Carolla, in which that very subject matter is broached.  I can't, in good conscience, write the same stuff now that I know it's been done, so I'll at least let you enjoy his version: