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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Legalize Fabulous-Fitting T-shirts

I wore one of those "Legalize Gay" T-shirts the other day because, hey, I can be an activist (plus, I'm a Jew, and it was on sale). But also, I wore it because it fits great! And honestly, is there anything gayer than that?

I Don't Know If You're Used To Guys Treating You Like Shit, But...

...just because I'm nice to you doesn't mean I like like you.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Lucky Gays...

It's no wonder gay guys are so fit. For them, the locker room is like a candy store! I'd work out a hell of a lot more if I knew that before and after every workout I'd be surrounded by glistening naked titties! . . . Actually, come to think of it, I'd probably never make it out of the locker room.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sweet Fuckin' NYC

I was back in NY recently. My ex lives there, so it could've been a difficult trip, fraught with temptation to call or stop by and say hi . . . were she not "deceased" (see explanation here: So instead, it was a trip of forging ahead and moving on . . . peppered with a smattering of painful memories of her tragically, slowly bleeding out over the course of several long, long days, alone in the frigid wilderness, where no one could hear her cries for help after having her limbs torn from her body by dull-toothed, rabid, feral dogs . . .

But otherwise, it was a total blast! Family, oppressive humidity, rain, the smell of baking garbage and hobo piss . . . what's not to love?

Actually, the point of me mentioning my trip back to NY was to make a stupid joke about my parents, that I'll still make; I just got a little carried away there. Oh, sweet catharsis.

Point was, I went to stay at my father's place one night, and on the way, my step-mom goes, "We washed the sheets and made the bed! It's all ready for you!" (Like I'm a six-year-old with Down syndrome.) No shit! I'd hope so! Does this need to be explicitly stated? Does that mean every time you didn't specifically say you washed the sheets I was sleeping in a dirty bed?! What the hell?!

Stating The Obvious

Do we really need the brightly lit "no smoking" signs above every seat on airplanes anymore? I think we know. Which reminds me:

Friday, August 27, 2010

Save Paper

While I don't condone permanently inking oneself, especially given the lack of pre-meditation some of these people devote to their tattoo selections, I've taken a bit of a shining to this one...

(Found this at )

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Eat, Pray, Die Already

The sheer existence of Eat, Pray, Love as an entity annoys me enough as is, but if you buy the copy of the book that has Julia Roberts on the cover, you deserve to suffer a death by paper cuts from that very copy of the book...

Maybe The Mayans Were Right About The Impending Apocalypse

Jesus Christ. Who's even filming this shit? These kids are like six!

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Should This Guy Even Be ALLOWED To Smile?

Found this on a photography website that I really love ( ), and it cracked me up, so figured I'd share it...

NYC Subway PSA

Seriously? Did the MTA hire the Hallmark greeting card guys to write their PSA's now? "You can't hold on to your children forever..."? Nice segue. How much did that one cost taxpayers?

(Special thanks to Nads for the photographic assist...)

Where Ya Lookin', Buddy?

You know someone just took a shit if they avoid eye contact when exiting the bathroom...

Monday, August 23, 2010

Eat Me

So, I was tutoring one of my students in Chemistry the other day, and he exhaled, put his pen down on the desk, stopped working, and looked up at me, pensively.

ME: What's up?

STUDENT: You ever wonder what humans taste like?

He then proceeded to tell me about how he wants to make a pact with someone in which they agree to include in their wills that whichever of them dies first will let the other eat him.

Sometimes I enjoy what I do...


The jackass in front of me the other day had a personalized license plate that read, "3S ENUFH."

Yeah, but zero would've been better.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Don't Answer

Does it mean that I watch too much porn if, the other day, when I drove by two hot girls waiting at a bus stop, I thought to myself, "I should bring those girls home and have sex with them."?

Friday, August 20, 2010

What If The Saints DIDN'T Come Marching In?

On August 9th, the NFL Champion New Orleans Saints visited the White House to receive their congratulatory handshakes from Obama, and it got me thinking: You think if the Saints had won the Super Bowl right after Katrina, while Bush was still in office, they would've had the balls to not show at the White House to meet the President? Because that would've been pretty cool.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Mistaken Identity

August 9th marked the anniversary of Jerry Garcia's death, and it made remember the time, back in high school, when he died. I was on a summer trip with a bunch of other 15 and 16 year olds, and I remember all the kids around me suddenly going nuts and crying. So I asked one of the less-distressed, semi-coherent hippies what was going on, and she said, "Jerry Garcia died!"

Now, while I didn't really care for the Grateful Dead, I did know who Jerry Garcia was. But, for whatever reason, and this is the first time I'm telling anyone this, when she said Jerry Garcia, I thought of Andy Garcia, the underrated actor. Hilarious, right? And I remember thinking to myself, "Yeah, he was a good actor, and all (by that point he'd done such classics as Black Rain, When A Man Loves A Woman, and Jennifer 8, which co-starred Uma Thurman as a blind woman...full frontal, by the way), but I never realized how much people loved this guy..." That's because they didn't. Wrong Garcia.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

You Were So NOT There...with THAT

Watch this:

I had State Farm insurance for a while, and god knows I wished for a hot chick in nerdy glasses millions of times! She never spontaneously materialized on my couch! Never! In fact, I'm still friends with my former State Farm agent, and she reads this blog. Jacki, what the fuck?! Am I legally owed this retroactively? Because I want to collect.

Although, in State Farm's defense, I never did actually sing the full jingle out loud...

(Happy birthday, Jacki!)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Another Register Sign

You know how some fast food establishments have those signs at the register that say, "If we forget to give you a receipt, your meal is free!"? Well, Subway has one of these now except theirs reads, "Ask for a receipt. If you don't get one, your meal is free."

What?! What fucked up hiring policy are you implementing if there's even a remote chance one of your employees could be so insane they'd deny a customer who specifically requested one, a receipt?! Has this ever happened? What an empty gesture. I mean, just imagine that scenario for a second:

CUSTOMER: Can I please have a receipt with that?


CUSTOMER: Huh? I want a receipt. It says right here you have to give me one.


And that's when the customer should start slowly backing away from the counter. Because when that customer then points out that his meal is now free, I'm sure that employee will be totally reasonable about reimbursing his credit card. Again, ridiculous.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Register Sign

I was paying for a Nutella croissant at this local bakery I periodically patronize, and I noticed they had one of those cutesy signs behind the tip jar. You know what I mean, like those magnets retarded people slap all over their refrigerators that say things like, "Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler." Anyway, this is actually what the little sign said:

"As soon as the rush is over, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I worked for it, I owe it to myself, and NOBODY is going to deprive me of it."

Yes. That entire thing. There's absolutely nothing witty about it, in any way. It doesn't rhyme, it's not funny, it's not smart, it's not brief, there's no stupid pun involved. I don't get why someone bought that, or maybe even had it made. Who knows? I can't imagine that a company would actually mass produce that, right? And why is "NOBODY" in all CAPS?! Did someone once try to stop the proprietor from having a nervous breakdown and he vowed to never let that happen again? Or was this someone an important individual in the life of the person wanting to have the breakdown, to whom the breaker-downer would normally listen? Is that why it's in caps, as if to say, NOBODY, not even that guy, can stop me? Ridiculous.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sorry, Humans

You know how some animals are so ugly they're cute? . . . Well, that's never the case with people.

(Credit for this one goes to the lovely and talented LD...)

Friday, August 13, 2010

You Are Mine! . . . Literally

Seriously, enough with the engagement rings already. I'm not actually sure of this in any way, but I feel like these have to essentially be replacements for the antiquated bride prices, which were basically payments to purchase a family's daughter. (Interesting that a guy doesn't have to wear anything to let other women know he's already been bought.) So that fancy, expensive, diamond ring you've always dreamt about is hearkening back to a time when women were property...yet we're still expected to buy them? The jig is up, ladies (translation: no, it's almost definitely not up). An engagement ring is like a dolled-up version of those bright orange "PAID FOR" stickers they slap on any items that don't fit in your grocery bags at the supermarket.

Well, I'm taking a stand. If the woman I marry is a feminist, as I am, I will not be buying her an engagement ring. If she demands one, then she will be treated as chattel and required to perform the duties expected of a woman who has been paid for: cook my meals, change the kids' diapers, service me orally at my behest... She can work, though. Dual income's pretty sweet.

Old Man River, DDS

Happy birthday to my big bro!

Maybe I'm Amazed

I always think about how inefficient everything is, and wonder why things can't be done differently, etc... And then I leave the house and look around at all the morons, and I'm amazed that things even run as smoothly as they do.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Alright...Well Played, Commercials...

I give credit where credit's due. Ballsy move by Axe, and good job by Geico, whose commercials usually annoy me:

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Airtight Logic

I think the worse a medicine tastes, the better it probably is for you. Because if they could make it taste good, they would, because it would sell more, right?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Know Your Place

I like animal shirts. I have two wolf shirts, a cat one, a unicorn, a gorilla, a shark, and a penguin. Whatever. Deal with it. Point is, I was wearing one of my wolf shirts the other night, and some fat chick had the effrontery to make fun of it. Not in a playful way. What? You're fat. And you're smoking! If you were any less appealing you'd be AIDS. Go stand in a corner somewhere, facing the wall so we don't have to look at you the rest of the night. And smoke harder; you haven't died of cancer yet.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Facebook Summer Pictures Etiquette

It's a pretty dick move when people with really good bodies put up bathing suit pictures of their friends with really bad bodies on Facebook without express written consent. Very insensitive.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I'm Joining The Blue Collar Comedy Tour

If you see a grown-ass man on a kid's bike, you know you're probably in a bad neighborhood.

Should I parlay that thought into my own version of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck" bit?

--You might be in a bad neighborhood if you see bars on all the residential windows.

--You might be in a bad neighborhood if you see someone using a payphone.

--You might be in a bad neighborhood if you see a low-riding Mitsubishi Lancer with tinted windows, spinning rims, and a spoiler.

--You might be in a bad neighborhood if you see a liquor store . . . next to a pawn shop . . . next to a bail bonds service . . . next to a check-cashing establishment.

--You might be in a bad neighborhood if you see that all the signs are in Spanish. (Too much?)

Nah. I'm good.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Now Yas Can't Leave

I'm reading an awesome book right now about the Baltimore homicide department, written by journalist David Simon, who created HBO's The Wire (best TV drama ever. Seriously). The book is titled Homicide. It says so in big red letters on the cover. I leave this book on my bedside table, face up. Gotta tell ya, it just occurred to me that having a big book that says "HOMICIDE" next to your bed probably doesn't bode so well for girls I bring to my room staying in my room. I might have to flip it over, at the least, huh. Although, I guess if I were a murderer, it's probably too late for you if I've already got you in my room. Just saying.

Friday, August 6, 2010

A Tale of Two Linneys

New York Times Magazine was taking Laura Linney way too seriously ("The Age of Laura Linney," really?), as self-important publications are so often wont to do, so my writing partner and I, in a fit of procrastination, armed with nothing more than a blunted Sharpie, a broken Wite-Out pen, and his iPhone camera, decided to have some fun with Linney's annoyingly bland face. Amateurish? Certainly. Offensive? Probably. Funny? Duh.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Errr...Heh Heh...I Gotta Go...

How uncomfortable is it when someone you're really unattracted to blatantly flirts with you? They try to be all cutesy or smooth, and all you can really do is kinda cringe and wheeze. . . . I don't know how women constantly deal with that.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Mama Grizzly-tard

Sarah Palin is so fucking retarded that she makes me so retarded that I can't even think of a more eloquent way to articulate how retarded she is. Watch this clip from yesterday's The Daily Show and prepare to feel rocking-back-and-forth-on-your-bathroom-floor-in-fetal-position discouraged about the potential future of our country. If she ever gets elected to any meaningful, federal office by a majority of voters, then we get what we deserve. Seriously, she is so so dumb! Look how proud she is to have learned the word "adverse!" Watch and cringe:

Sarah Palin's Mama Grizzly Coalition
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Step It Up, Intervention

I realize this is really wrong to say, but I often work at an adolescent drug and alcohol rehab center, and for the amount of hot girls I see pass through there, percentage-wise, the A&E show Intervention really doesn't have enough hotties featured.

Okay, I'll go back to rotting in hell now. Thank you for your time...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! - An Amendment

One of my loyal readers read my previous post and had the audacity to compare me to religious retard, Kirk Cameron. I would've been pissed, but then said supporter provided this gem as evidence for the analogy:

That Shit Is Bananas . . . B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

How amazing is it that ripe bananas peel so easily/perfectly? Think about this compared to how annoying so many other fruits are to get into, like oranges or coconuts. Then think about all the other ones that are easy to eat, like apples or blueberries, but aren't protected and need to be washed prior to consumption. But not the banana. Just pick it up, peel back the skin, and eat. Even if your hands were covered in excrement--because you're disgusting--you could still hold a banana in its easy-to-remove casing and eat away, while not having to eat shit. We take them for granted. Appreciate.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Lube Job - An Amendment

It's been brought to my attention that being low on oil is not the same as needing an oil change. I kind of knew this...but not really. Anyway, just means the guy didn't say I was low on oil; he just said I needed it changed. My point was that he was being redundant, but I would've corrected someone else on the same shit, so I deserve it. Thanks to Eitan and Ezra for alerting me...

Lube Job

I went to Jiffy Lube for an oil change the other day. You know how while you're waiting, they call you over to the side for that little one-on-one "consultation" after they've checked your car but before they've actually done anything yet? You know, where they tell you every imaginable filter needs to be replaced, and they'd be happy to do it for you . . . for a fee? Well, the guy calls me over, and this is what he says, "You're low on oil, sir."

Seriously?! That's what you had to tell to me? You interrupted my Highlights reading sesh' for that?! I know I'm low on oil! That's the entire principle upon which your enterprise is predicated! That's why I just handed you the keys to my car 25 minutes ago. It took you almost a half hour to tell me what I already told you when I walked in the door?!

Either they're completely retarded at Jiffy Lube (probably), or their customers are so dumb they frequently bring their cars in for an oil change when they don't actually need one (equally likely). Either way . . . ugh.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Look At Me, Damnit!

Women are incredible. I walked into a coffee shop the other day and there were four tables of individual women. Not a one of them looked at me! To clarify, I'm not saying I'm some Adonis, the mere sight of whom demands immediate female attention whenever I enter a room...but they should at least check to confirm that that's the case, right?

This is baffling to me! Because you can bet that if a woman walked into a cafe full of dudes, each guy, within seconds, would have already stared and calculated what her best physical qualities were, if he'd hook up with her, and under what conditions he'd still hook up with her even though he initially concluded he probably wouldn't. (On a side note, can you imagine if scientists ran an experiment that required all men to walk around with glasses that have laser pointers on them? We'd be so exposed for how ridiculous we really are...) I will concede, though, that women are also just so so so much better than men at looking and not being glaringly obvious gorillas about it. But, I mean, c'mon. There was this one cute girl, sans laptop, sans anything that should be able to occupy her attention, who hadn't even looked up from her coffee yet, and I'd already pictured her naked in three different positions . . . bent over my bed, bent over my desk, and bent over my bathroom sink . . .

Some of Us Are Trying To Have A Civilization Here

I hate when women go to a hair salon and then walk around in general population and do actual shit while they have the foils or curlers in their hair and the robe on. Unnecessary. Sit and wait like a fucking civilized human being.

Bonus points if you know where the title of this post is from...