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Thursday, December 30, 2010


Girls, when you're handling a man's schlong, cadence is very important. It's extremely frustrating when you're really close and the girl changes her rhythm, or stops to switch hands, or whatever. (In all fairness, I recognize the same is true when guys are trying to get a girl off; maybe even more so.) You almost have to start all over again. And then you can't help but think, "Well, if you had just stuck with whatever you were doing before you switched things up, we'd be done by now..."

But maybe that's my own issue because I've always had trouble moving past things. When I was younger, and the Knicks were actually good, I would always get hung up on missed foul calls (Charles Smith getting fouled multiple times under the basket! Reggie Miller blatantly shoving Greg Anthony to the fucking ground!), and for the rest of the game, or series, I'd obsess over it, like, "If they hadn't fucked up that call, we'd be still be up two, with possession, and..." blah blah blah. But at the same time, I feel like I'm compensating for the majority of people, who consistently overlook the potential impact of small errors. Minor momentum changes in games, as in life, can have major--wait. How did we get here again?

Oh yeah. If you're blowing a guy and he's close, don't fuck with the rhythm.

Monday, December 27, 2010

That's Sooo Gay

Gayest hate crime ever:

"Hey, let's force this guy to strip naked and then shove something up his ass! Then everyone will definitely know we're not gay!" How insecure was this gang?!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Kwanzaa!

I leave for vacation tomorrow morning, so the posts will be few and far between for the next couple weeks . . . though that's more because you guys will be occupied and less because I'm away.  Anyway, happy new year, and, sincerely, thanks for reading...


So there's a new MTV show (yes, that MTV, but stay with me here) called The Vice Guide To Everything, and it's pretty damn interesting.  As usual with half hour non-fiction, they're forced to squeeze too much into too small a window, and you find yourself frustrated that you're not being provided with a more thorough, complete education on each topic.  So far they've gone to North Korea, hung out with Russian mobsters, patronized a mom-and-pop strip club at someone's parents' house in Detroit, visited a Mexico-border-crossing theme park, and most recently, this

This video is of the most recent episode in its entirety, because they didn't provide smaller clips of individual segments, but I'm posting it because I want you to watch just the opening segment and marvel.  It's footage of an annual arms, as in weaponry, convention, that is attended by high-level military personnel of pretty much every country.  Yes, officials from warring armies have the audacity to mill about the same convention center smiling and shaking hands with each other, while purchasing weapons they will then use to kill each other.  Countries' weapon manufacturers will sell weapons to their friend's enemies, their enemies' friends, or even directly to their enemies themselves, even though those weapons will be used against them . . . though not personally, of course.  Just against the lowly underlings they command, who happen to be humans.  It's completely absurd, and highlights the meaninglessness of everything, I think.  Seriously, the government doesn't give a shit if you die, as long as the people in charge, and their cronies, are living well.

Wallow in the despicability:

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm Rich, Bitch!

My buddy and I were talking about how regular, hot girls can so easily bang celebrities; it really just requires a chance encounter.  In fact, I know many girls who have turned down famous dudes who hit on them while out at a bar.  By comparison, think about how hard it would be for a regular, attractive guy to sleep with a female celebrity?  Nearly impossible.  I've never heard a story of a guy rejecting a famous chick. 

And then my friend goes, "If you're a hot chick, and you don't end up rich . . . you fucked up.  Full stop.  You fucked up.  Look at yourself in the mirror, and figure out where you went wrong when God gave you a golden ticket."

(Special thanks to my friend . . . who will remain nameless, for his own sake.)

Shut Up Already!

I'm all for diplomacy and being sensitive to people's local traditions/preferences, especially given how ignorant Americans generally are about the rest of the world, but this is getting ridiculous.  People need to calm the fuck down about stupid shit . . . here in America, too, but this particular example is the latest to get me all fired up.  I'm starting to warm to the idea of nuking the planet and starting over again . . . if it weren't for all those damn adorable animals!  Read:

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I've been told, on numerous occasions, that I come off as a woman hater in this blog.  While I see where these people are coming from, let me give several reasons why those whores are wrong:

1. I love women!  Already, with three simple words, I have refuted their argument.  But seriously, I love women.  So much so, that I have extremely high expectations of the ones I choose to be around.  So maybe that means I'm all the more disappointed when they fail to meet those lofty (unrealistic?) expectations...

2. Following from reason number one, I don't date men, so they're not disappointing or annoying me nearly as often or in the same way as women are.  Hence, I don't complain about them as much.  Let me make this clear: men are insecure retards, too . . . I just don't give a shit because it doesn't affect me.  (Although, many women have argued that they, themselves, are disappointing and annoying in the ways I find them to be, because insecure and abusive men have made them react in those ways.  To which I ask, "So, you're arguing that you behave a certain way towards men because you essentially . . . allowed men to make you behave that way?"  Hmmm.  Granted, not even nearly all the women I've encountered champion this argument, but I've heard enough say it that it bore repeating.)

3. And finally, I don't ignore our innate gender differences (see previous posts about The Pill:, and women in the workplace: and  We are certainly equal, but we are certainly not the same.  Stop pretending like we are.

Watch back when Kevin Smith was good:

Monday, December 20, 2010

Yimmy's Yayo

I may have plugged this dude's site before, but I really enjoy it.  He's a photographer who puts up images and videos of other people's stuff that he appreciates for any number of reasons.  Sometimes funny stuff, sometimes nudie pics, sometimes just plain old fashioned art...ya nevah nevah know.  When you're too lazy to read words, here's some "visual crack for the ocular fiend," as he puts it.  Enjoy:

Deck My Balls

Anyone who actually likes holiday music is unbearable to be around.  Period.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Slippery Slopes

At the end of the month, I'm traveling to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand.  The most frequently asked questions after I inform anyone of this are prostitution-related, with a hint of ladyboy.  I think the most interesting part is that some of these people are dead serious, so let me explain why I think there's a very low probability of me putting my penis in an oft-shared vagina.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong, I totally get the appeal of prostitution; the idea of paying a hot chick to let her do whatever you want to her does seem kinda (very) fun every now and then, especially if you're busy with work and don't feel like putting in the extensive effort it takes to convince a normal hot girl to let you do stuff to her.  Because we all know, in the words of Oscar-winners Three 6 Mafia, "it's hard out here for a pimp."

But, no.  Uh uh.  If you've read my blog for any prolonged amount of time, you know the germ-factor alone is enough to dissuade me from sticking my P in any heavy-traffic V's.  But moreover, I have major moral issues with it, believe it or not.  Not in general; I actually believe prostitution should be legal, while strictly regulated, even if it isn't my cup of tea (for my more detailed explanation, read:  But prostitution in poor, third-world countries is not regulated at all.  Many women, or more accurately, girls, are forced into it.  And, those who aren't physically forced into it, but choose it , are often, as women, extremely limited in their options of viable career paths.  In a lot of these countries, a woman's body can be her sole financial commodity, and thus, while not forced into a life of prostitution, it may be the best way for her to earn enough money to be independent.  I don't really feel comfortable contributing to the perpetuation of that market by increasing demand.

You could, of course, argue that this monstrous market isn't going to miss my nominal contribution, and you'd probably be right.  Furthermore, you could even argue in favor of me contributing to that market by saying that if I give these girls more money, I may be affording them a better opportunity to escape their environments more quickly.  But to me, that's like giving money to homeless addicts when you could be donating it directly to rehab/treatment facilities instead.  Call it a philosophical difference.

Now for the caveat: the "Old Fashioned."  That is, the hand job.  This is the slippery slope, the gateway sex act, the weed of the prostitution world...  In the case of the ol' HJ, there is no penetration or risk of disease.  The prostitute is essentially giving you a massage in a region of your body where you don't usually get one.  No one would question it if she massaged the same spot on your back for about seven-and-a-half minutes in order to relieve some stress, but if she flips you over and moves about a foot south, it apparently changes things.  You could definitely rationalize it this way, saying it's just a massage . . . with a better feeling in the end, and she doesn't have to sacrifice her body.  Win-win, right?

Don't worry.  For the record, I'm still opting out.  I'm just saying . . . I understand.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Pill

I recently read an interesting article in New York Magazine about how The Pill has resulted in a sort of "fertility crisis."  Not for the reasons you would think (i.e. aggressively fucking with a woman's body's natural hormonal fluctuations and cycles), but more because women often stay on it until they're well into their 30's, essentially ignoring biology to pursue careers, or just be free, and then expect to be as fertile as they would have been had they gone off it by their late 20's. 

But alas, the body doesn't work like that, and women are more frequently confronting the harsh reality that the freedom afforded them by The Pill has been accompanied by the potential cost of not being able to have children.  In a way, by comparing themselves to men, or maybe more accurately, needing to compete with men in a very real way in order to gain financial independence, women have neglected to fully acknowledge genuine physical differences that, I won't say limit them, so much as should probably lead them to reevaluate and create different, viable paths . . . if they even want to have children.  I think somewhere in the article there was talk about women having children in their 20's, when their bodies are most receptive to that, and starting careers later in life, altering the new traditional paradigm.

Generally, feminist organizations adamantly support The Pill and attack women who suggest alternate paths, such as the one I just mentioned, as anti-feminist, and supporting the male agenda.  But the article eloquently points out that it has been a very long time since men have viewed women as threats who need to be disarmed through incapacitation, “There’s a strain of feminist thought that’s still trapped in the mind-set that the male patriarchy wants women pregnant and has been withholding things like abortion and contraception from them because of it.”  The whole point of the article is to say that The Pill, while shockingly safe and pretty magical, is not completely magical in that it does not change the fact that women's ability to get pregnant decreases with age.

Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is to say that The Pill has led to people having fewer babies, and it's being called a fertility crisis. Crisis?!  I don't see what the crisis is.  Science wins again.

Here's the article, in case you want to read it:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Now I Feel Unappreciated

I saw a homeless guy with a sign the other day.  It had the usual "I'm a Vietnam vet, give me money, blah blah blah" stuff going on, but then at the end, it said, "or at least eye contact and a smile."

I do that anyway!  'Cause I'm a nice person.  But when you go and make a sign like that, now I feel like you think I'm only doing it because you told me to and that's annoying.

I guess I've just always hated being told what I'm supposed to do.  It's like, no, I knew that already and would've done that on my own.  I want to be appreciated for not having to be told what logic and common sense and basic humanity already dictate.  How else are we supposed to distinguish between the assholes and the good ones?!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Low T

Just saw one of those new prescription drug commercials.  It asked, "Are you a 45-year-old male who doesn't feel like he used to?  No energy for those 18 holes?  No more passion for women like you had?  No fun for dancing?"  Then they went on to say, "You may be suffering from a condition called, 'Low Testosterone,' or 'Low T.'"

No shit!  You're 45!  Of course you don't feel like you used to!  Of course your testosterone levels are dropping!  They're supposed to!  That's not a condition, it just is!  Enjoy your newfound freedom from obsessing over sex 24 hours a day, and get some reading done, or something.  Jesus.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


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I was having lunch with my married friend the other day, and we saw a smoking hot girl.  She was wearing knee-high socks and a skirt, showing just the right amount of thigh.  Then, she bent over to more thoroughly study the bottom-shelf muffins, accidentally exposing her glowing, smooth, perfectly tan, taut--Whoa!  Sorry.  I just blacked out there for a second.  What was I talking about? Oh yeah!--she exposed her breathtaking 19-year-old ass, in her cute, white boy shorts, and my friend turned to me and said, "You know, the only thing I miss about unmarried life . . . is fucking lots of girls.  That's it."

Which, obviously, is hilarious because, what else is there to miss?!  That's the whole thing! 

Then, later, we again found ourselves talking about the muffin girl's muff, and my buddy shook his head and said, "If my wife knew the shit we talked about..."  And I asked, "Would she actually care?"  And he replied, "C'mon.  Let's keep it real.  I don't think she'd be too thrilled to hear me perving out on some teenage girl's knickers."

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Soulmate

There's a new documentary on HBO called Public Speaking.  It's directed by Martin Scorsese and features Fran Lebowitz, the famed New York author, who may actually be more famous for her several-decade-long bout of writer's block.  Anyway, I think Fran is my soulmate . . . if only she were straight, hot, and, like, 23 years old . . .  Oh, well.  Here's a preview of the film:

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Green Means Go

This is how stupid people are: Sometimes, at intersections, there are cops directing traffic exactly as the fully functional traffic lights above their heads dictate.  Ugh.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Curmudgeon Mailing List!

Hello, my loyal Curmudgeon followers!  You'll (hopefully) be happy to know that I finally got around to setting up a mailing list for The Curmudgeon.  This required some technological prowess I didn't know I possessed, but it is now done.  Now, every time there's a new post, it will be sent directly to your email! . . . As long as you write your email address in the box at the top of the blog and click SUBSCRIBE.

Keep in mind, it still helps me if you go to the blog itself, AND, there are often videos posted that won't be viewable in the email you receive, but it's a great shortcut for those days you're in a rush or even, God forbid, forget to check the blog itself.  Please refer all your friends to the blog and tell them to subscribe to the mailing list, too! 

You can still also follow me on Twitter: . . . (I know; Twitter.)

Thanks for reading, and enjoy!
--The Curmudgeon

P.S. Warning: a lot of email accounts are redirecting the mailing list confirmation emails to spam, so please make sure you check your spam box.  Thanks!

Friday, December 10, 2010


Why do Orthodox Jews always look like they're in a rush?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

My Favorite Music of 2010

Here it is again. My annual, end-of-the-year music list (though I last year's was a month late: ). I recognize that not all of these songs were released in 2010, maybe not even most of them. It's my list, and these are the songs I listened to the most in 2010. This isn't a music blog; deal with it. This takes time and effort to compile, so fucking appreciate it...and enjoy it... Oughta keep you busy for a while:

1. Rural Alberta Advantage's "In The Summertime" and "Don't Haunt This Place." "In The Summertime" is probably my favorite song of the year. I still have yet to tire of it:

2. Frightened Rabbit's "Nothing Like You" and "Swim Until You Can't See Land." This is far and away one of my favorite (relatively) new bands. I liked their last album better, but this one was pretty fantastic, too, and their lyrics are pretty damn good:

3. We Were Promised Jetpacks' "Keeping Warm." These guys remind me of Frightened Rabbit, who, as just mentioned, I love. This song has a little too much instrumental action going on for a vocals guy like myself, so feel free to skip the first four minutes to get to the meat...though the build-up is rather nice:

4. Phoenix's "Countdown (Sick for the Big Sun)." Yeah, everyone's heard about these guys by now, but this is one of their less-appreciated awesome songs:

5. Ra Ra Riot's "Can You Tell." They're like a better version of Vampire Weekend. They just released a new album this year, but this one is off their older, better album. Sorry, guys:

6. Vampire Weekend's "Cousins." Now, having just said what I just said about Vampire Weekend, they do have some pretty good songs, too. Here's one of the better ones. Plus, their new album was better than their first:

7. The Long Winters' "Portland (acoustic)." This band's really good and never gets any credit:

8. The Format's "Faith in Fast Cars (acoustic)." Great band. No longer in existence. Reincarnated as Fun...not as good:

9. Greg Laswell's "I'd Be Lying" and "Comes And Goes (In Waves)." This guy's made a few pretty good albums already:

10. Broken Bells' "The High Road." Broken Bells are the lead singer of The Shins and Danger Mouse, and they put out a pretty great album this year:

11. Aqueduct's "Just The Way I Are." This song is years old, by a band no one's really heard of, off an amazing album, with the kind of depressing lyrics that I like, and it reminds of someone specific, so it was in heavy rotation this year. I could only find a poor quality live version:

12. Nas and Damian Marley's "Patience." So not my normal bag, but I had this thing on repeat for, like, two months!

13. Harvey Danger's "Pike St./Park Slope." An incredible, old, obscure song from a band that, unfortunately, is only known for "Flagpole Sitta":

14. Weezer's "Kids/Pokerface." Self-explanatory. Kinda sad that Weezer's best new songs are covers, but this is pretty awesome. I especially love the part at the beginning when he fucks up what year it is!

15. Steel Train's "Bullet" and "Fast Asleep." Now, granted this is a friend's band, but these are some pretty great songs. I wouldn't force them upon you otherwise... Promise:

16. Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over." Sure, everyone and their mother's heard this song by now...especially since they used it in the preview for that shit-bomb, Eat, Pray, Cock...but for good goddamn reason:

17. Old 97's "The Magician." I've loved these guys for a very long time. This is off their new album, and this was the best version I could find:

18. Dave Smallen's "America." Never heard of this guy and don't even remember how I ended up with this song, but it popped up on shuffle, and I've taken quite a shining to it:

19. Cee-Lo Green's "Fuck You." Another popular one by now, but fuck that "forget you" version. This is the way it was meant to be:

20. The Revivalists' "Soulfight." Don't remember how I even heard of this one, but I don't care. This was the only version I could find. Quality's pretty eh:

21. Clem Snide's "Faithfully." Well, it's not really Clem Snide's; it's Journey's. Regardless, this is an awesome cover it:

Clem Snide covers Journey

22. Elvis Perkins' "While You Were Sleeping." Pretty haunting song, especially when you delve a little deeper into the subject matter. Hint: this is off an album that deals with his mother's death on one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers on September 11th. Yeah. I know. Stop bringing us down, right? So selfish:

23. Noah's "Cheers to the Vampires." This is my little brother, and he's really fucking good...I think. Didn't have a video to embed because he recorded this on his bathroom floor (hence the recording quality) one exceptionally depressing evening, or "Tuesday," as he likes to call it, so here's a link. Listen:

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

If Anything, I Care TOO Much

I'm trying to sort out if my complete lack of interest in most other people and everything they do means I'm selfish, or that I just care that much more genuinely about the people who are actually close to me...

And To My Dear Cat, Princess, I Bequeath...

Is it weird that my mind sometimes wanders into what I would say in my will? I don't have any money or property or kids, and, barring some freak tragedy, many years of misery still await me on this granite-encrusted orb. And yet...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

God Is Great!...Sometimes

My level of tolerance for a girl's inane religious beliefs varies directly with her hotness.


I know I've posted stuff about him before, but Jim Jefferies is f-ing incredible. Love this guy! Enjoy these video clips from his new stand-up DVD.

(Incidentally, if any of you happen to know him, or know someone who does, please let me know. I'm being completely serious. I need to ask him something. Just comment on this post.)

Monday, December 6, 2010

John McCain Is Officially A Complete Prick

Clip from The Daily Show about the whole "don't ask, don't tell" conversation. Pretty pathetic that time and, more insultingly, money, is even being spent at all to debate this. Why people are so obsessed with taking away other people's civil rights even in cases where it wouldn't affect them is far beyond me. McCain has really become a pathetic, little man. Sad:

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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Purportedly Magic Jew

Here's a pretty hilarious exchanged between a parent and an Australian school Christian Volunteer (a title formerly known as School Chaplain) regarding a permission slip to see a play about Jesus' resurrection:

(Thanks, Z!)

Friday, December 3, 2010


After the recent, much-hyped, WikiLeaks release that basically exposed what we already knew (i.e. - people talk shit about other people behind their backs), certified genius, Stephen Colbert reported, "A [US diplomat] called French President Sarkozy 'thin-skinned' . . . which I'm sure will upset him."

I love Colbert.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

At Least It Has Donkey Rape

Kazakhstan has decided to defend itself against what Borat has done to its reputation by creating a sequel! I'll bite. And as my friend said after reading this article, "Well, at least it has donkey rape." Agreed.

Read here:

In-The-Way People

I love Bill Burr. He gets me. If you're bored at're welcome:

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Wizard of Just Plain Rude

It always bothered me that at the end of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy, right in front of everyone, tells the Scarecrow she's going to miss him the most. Kind of insulting to the others, don't ya think? Even as a kid I thought that. At least discreetly slip him a note, or something.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

These People Exist

You know, I try to be all positive and then this shit comes along. Jump to the 1:20 mark to see one of these people who's particularly bothersome . . . and frightening:

Thanksgiving Come Late

I gotta say, getting sick suuucks, especially for an entire fucking week, but I wouldn't mind getting sick for one day every now and then to help me appreciate how fucking awesome it is to be healthy! You always forget because "healthy" is, like, the default setting, but damn it feels good to feel good again!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sweet 17

I've been helping a buddy of mine look at apartments to purchase, an ongoing ordeal since he is, wisely, being extremely selective given the awesomeness of his current abode. Finally, a week ago, for the first time since we first started looking a while ago, we saw one that he loved right away! We walked out, and he knew he wanted to make an offer. To protect the identity of my friend, not that there's anything incriminating in this post, we'll call the apartment complex "Ocean Gardens."

So, the other night, after this same friend went on a date, I called him to ask how it went. And he goes, "She was pretty and cool, but she was no Ocean Gardens. When I fall in love, I kinda wanna feel what I felt when I first set my eyes on unit 17 . . ."

And you know what? He's absolutely right. When you know . . . you know . . . said the single guy . . .

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I finally got around to watching Up in the Air while I was sick this week. Sooo . . . she's just a lying, cheating whore who ruined his life? Ouch.

Smashing. Groovy. Yay Capitalism.

Jesus fucking Christ. I kinda can't wait 'til we go extinct:

(Thanks, Freed!)

Speaking of Bears...

Spirit Bears! I love how the guy describes the natives' name for the bear and breaks it down like it's something profound: "Mulksum means white, and ul is bear." Wow! Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one (SNL reference; couldn't find the video anywhere)?! And if it's just a black bear with rare pigmentation, can't we just record regular black bears and watch the negative of it to get the gist?

Just kidding. I fucking love animals, especially white fluffy ones called Spirit Bears! Watch:

Saturday, November 27, 2010

What's Left to Say?

The rap, the dancing, the recycling of characters no one missed...and how about the narrator's voice in the second clip?! Ugh.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Throat Rape

Sorry I haven't updated the blog in a while, but I've been in bed, miserably sick, for the last week! Basically, it feels like someone raped my throat with some sort of cactus-like dildo. I had about a year-and-a-half healthy streak going there, too...which is a long time for frail Jews like me.

And can I just say, I picked the worst possible time to get sick: holiday season. If you think commercials are bad year-round, they're nothing compared to the shit they rush to usher out in time for Black Friday. There are the always-vomit-inducing Kay Jewellers commercials. This year has also brought with it an especially terrible Target ad campaign for some sort of special sale aimed at mentally disabled women (watch the commercials and you'll see what I mean).

And finally, there are the car commercials. It's irritating enough that there are people running around with enough extra money to buy their loved ones brand new fucking cars as holiday gifts...and I'm not one of them, but I feel like these ads gets worse every year. One has the whole family rigging some elaborate giant stocking as a curtain behind which they hide the new car with which they elaborately surprise Mom. Another one has the car actually parked in the living room of the house. And here, my least favorite of the year. Hyundai trying to "indify" their ad campaign with annoyingly staccato indie versions of the same crap-shit holiday songs I have to hear every goddamn year. Am I supposed to find this awkward girl who keeps nervously looking over her shoulder for the insane serial killer with the beard and weird instruments endearing? Because she's not...nor is the car:

Monday, November 22, 2010


A) Are there any women under 190 pounds in Oprah's audience? B) I think I just got my period from watching this...

Girls Are Retarded

Don't get me wrong; guys are retarded, too. But I don't have to date them, so I don't care.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Defective Children

My friend recently got married. He's 40, his wife is 33. They're both awesome and are in no rush with the big life stuff like kids. But, he and I were walking one day and we saw a dad with his little baby in a baby bjorn, and my buddy goes, "Can you imagine? That could be me in five years."

And I was like, hmm, that's crazy, but I guess it also makes sense. Women have that there clock to worry about, and his wife would be almost 40 in five years, and they say the longer you wait to have kids, the greater the chance that the baby isn't healthy. He acknowledged this and then said, "If only there were a way to delay another five years..."

So I asked him, "If you could be given an extra five years, but you knew your kid would definitely be one of those sick, weak-immune-system, spontaneous-nose-bleed kids, nothing life threatening or majorly debilitating, as a result, would you do it?"

He thought about it for a minute, laughed, and then said, "No. . . . But what does it say about me that I'd consider it?!"

Friday, November 19, 2010

You Failed

I was on a first date recently, and not a particularly good one at that, but the girl was kinda beautiful so I figured I'd at least give it one more shot and follow up. I texted or called, don't remember which, but never heard back. I wasn't going to chase beyond that, but I was definitely curious what her assessment of me/the date was. This stuff fascinates me because everyone is so different!

So, because she was a friend of a friend's friend, I asked my friend to ask his friend to ask her why she didn't want to go on a second date, and to stress that she be honest because I wasn't going to find out, even though that last part was a lie. This is for science, people. Anyway, it turns out she didn't like my sense of humor. When I heard that, my reaction was, "Oh. Well she's wrong. That's awesome." Because I'm fine with my sense of humor as is, and it's not like she thought I was ugly, so I felt like I wouldn't have done anything differently, you know.

And that got me thinking: wouldn't post-date report cards be kind of amazing?! If people weren't such hyper-sensitive pussies and could handle some criticism, they'd become so much more self-aware, and probably way less awful to be around. You know, a few standard questions like, "Did your date talk about exes too much, not at all, or just enough?", or "Did your date get too drunk or not drunk enough?", or "Did your date order dinner even though you only asked her out for fucking drinks?!" And then there'd be a comment section at the end for you to freestyle a little. Then, if you got three date report cards in a row that said, "Rambles on about her ugly cat way too much," you might say to yourself, "Gee, maybe it's weird that I'm so focused on my disgusting cat all the time. What does that say about me?" Although, most likely you'd think, "Men are such insensitive, animal-hating jerks! Everyone's wrong but me." And, of course, the ones doing the grading would probably take out their own issues on the ones being graded. Because people are retarded and self-centered and massively insecure. But if this post-date-report-card system could save even one person . . . just one person . . .

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Walk Nicer

Whenever I'm walking, and I'm behind an old person who's moving really slowly, I'm always hesitant to pass them because I feel bad reminding them of their decrepitude. It's like, you know they don't want to be moving that slowly; they don't want it to take an hour to walk one block. So when you motor by them at three miles per hour, I feel that it's like saying, "See what you used to be able to do?!" and therefore reminding them of their impending death.

So I try to pass them at a relatively slow rate so they can feel like they haven't dropped off that much. So they can think, "Hey! That guy's half my age and he's barely passing me!", you know. Then, as soon as I turn the corner, and they can't see me's off to the races!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I just overheard someone telling a friend that she's a vegetarian, and the friend was like, "Well, I guess I can cook a vegetarian stuffing, and..." then I stopped listening. Look, vegetarians, I totally get it...but you should know you're really fucking annoying.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Getting Old

Yesterday I tried to unlock my apartment door with my electronic car key...

Monday, November 15, 2010


Christopher Hitchens has cancer and some religious people have, therefore, publicly asked if he will now revise his atheist beliefs. Here's his response from an article/interview I just read:

"So now I know that there's another life in my body that can't outlive me but can kill me, it's the perfect moment to gratefully acknowledge that I'm a product of a cosmic design? Who thinks up these arguments? Actually it's an insulting question: 'I hear you're dying. Well wouldn't it be a good time to get rid of your beliefs?' Try it on them and see how they would like it. 'Christian, right? Cancer of the tits?' 'Well, yes, since you ask.' 'Well, can I suggest you now drop all that tripe?'"

He cracks me up. Here's the full article:

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Growing up with Jewish parents who frequently employed guilt as a tactic of persuasion has rendered me virtually impervious to guilt. The one time I do feel guilty? When it takes me a long time to cum while receiving oral sex; I feel bad when that happens. Then, I think, well, she should do better. But then I feel bad again. And then I think, you have a girl's mouth on your penis, why are you thinking this much? And then it takes even longer. And then I feel bad some more...shortly before feeling awesome. Does that mean I'm nice?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Brother Is A Creative Genius

After going on a mediocre date, my brother came home and, in his best movie-trailer-guy voice said, "He was a hopeless romantic . . . but he learned the hard way, that sometimes, the worst thing you can do with a girl . . . is get to know her . . ."

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Don't Know You, But You Disgust Me

I feel like I've asked this before, but are there many things more enjoyable than sitting on a public bench in a high-pedestrian-traffic area and passing shallow judgment on hapless passers-by you don't even know?

Thursday, November 11, 2010


I hooked two friends up a little while back. The guy was nervous and asking me what to say and do, and I was like, "Dude, just keep your mouth shut." She already thought he was cute and had actively asked about him. She's interested; don't screw it up.

The rules are just different for guys and girls. A girl can say whatever she wants (on a first date--over time, you still have to possess desirable personality traits), and if she's hot, the guy won't really care; he'll still hook up with her. But a girl . . . she can get turned off by anything. Anything! One false move, one wrong word, and she can be taken out of the mood like-*SNAP*-that! Talk at your own peril, fellas.

Now if I could only heed my own advice . . .

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


What's the proper etiquette for completing the crossword puzzles in periodicals in public waiting rooms? You can do them, right?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Home Sweet Home

The best things about coming home after a long trip:

--A shower in your own shower

--A shit in your own bathroom

--That first night of sleep in your own bed

--A comfortable, stress-free, Internet-porn-fueled masturbation session

I don't ask for much.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Should I Start A Dating Consultation Firm?

When hooking up with multiple girls over short spans of time, sequence is of paramount importance. You gotta schedule the one who's a little rough with your junk last, because if you get beaten up at the start of your rotation, you're never gonna make it to the end. Also, I've found it best to increase the hotness level as you progress, because with each coming night (no pun intended) it takes more to get you excited. And, if you have a first date, it's a good idea to sandwich it in the middle because you can probably benefit from the physical reprieve, and your confidence will be peaking seeing as you just hooked up the other night and know you will be again in the near future. You're welcome.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Parents Just Don't Understand

I recently had a platonic female friend stay over at my apartment, and when I told my parents, they gave me a hard time for making her sleep on the couch and not giving up my bed.

Look, if you're my friend, you get the couch. I don't care if you're a girl, if you're just a friend, you get treated like all my other friends. If I'm trying to fuck you, you get the bed . . . with me in it. That's a very simple, and I think logical, rubric.

Friday, November 5, 2010

JAM It Up Your Ass, Brah

I hate guitar solos, and I hate the people who obsessively like them. Same goes for jams and jam bands...ugh. Why are you so excited that Phish played a 74-minute version of one of their already-shitty songs?! (Sorry, Dave, Danny, and Micah.) That's retarded, not a selling point! You should be demanding a refund for the cost of your ticket!

Now, that being said, I fucking love the guitar solo at around the four-minute mark of Dinosaur Jr.'s "Get Me." I'm a hypocrite. So what? It's my blog; I do what I want. Listen to it. So good...

I couldn't find the original album version with the solo I like, but this is a good acoustic version:

Thursday, November 4, 2010


How about this for a law: if you're doing construction on a major, heavy-traffic road, you don't get to close off that entire lane for a full unnecessary mile on either side of the actual site. Deal?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Know When To Shut Your Face

Isn't it especially obnoxious when someone screws you over and then says something like, "Well, we can all learn from this, at least."? Really? What did I learn? That you're an asshole? Maybe a neutral party can say something like this, but certainly not the offender. If you're exposed as a terrible person, please just walk away...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker

A few months back, I had the misfortune of catching a couple episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker. That woman, Patti, is out of control. Abrasive, bitchy, hard on the eyes . . . and how defensive can someone be about ageism?! Patti, you didn't have trouble getting guys because of your age; you had trouble attracting men because you're fucking frightening and it looks like you let a three-year-old apply your makeup with finger paint.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


Just because. Been listening to this a lot:

Friday, October 29, 2010

Time for Takeoff, Asshole!

Seriously, how hard is it to back out of a parking spot? I'm all for taking your time if no one's waiting, but when you see a line of cars behind the car waiting for your spot, please stop being a self-centered asshole and vacate in a timely fashion.

My recently departed grandfather :( used to call these people "pilots," because, he said, it's like they have a laundry list of gauges to check before takeoff.

Don't be a pilot . . . unless you're actually flying my plane.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Selfish Cancer

(I have no idea what this recent preponderance of cancer posts is all about, but...)

I asked my friend what she was doing for Halloween weekend, and she was like, "Well, not sure yet because I'm running a 10K for cancer early Sunday morning."

Fuck cancer! It's not going anywhere. Cancer ruins enough lives. Can't it give us Halloween weekend off, for Christ's sake?!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Self-Proclaimed Ignoramus

I saw a nice, new BMW recently with the inane bumper sticker, "Easily distracted by bright shiny objects."

I don't think I'm even capable of articulating how much this pains me. Not because I care about cars, because I don't (see here: ), though the principle of so moronically devaluing your own property certainly irks me, but because knowing this stupid, idiotic person thinks he/she is being cute/funny and is circulating in general population just makes my skin crawl. Really? You're comparing yourself to a tiny-brained animal? Shiny objects distract you? Then hopefully you'll be distracted by the glare from the blade of my knife as I bludgeon your face with it.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

There's A Test, And Everything...

Guess what? If we're driving towards each other on a two-way street and there's enough room for two cars, don't expect me to pull to the side, because it's not gonna happen. It's incumbent upon you to know how to drive. Call me idealistic, but that's the assumption under which I operate when you choose to get behind the wheel of a car.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Hmmm...Kinda Hypocritical

You know what occurred to me? It's weird that Starbucks doesn't have recycling bins. With the amount of paper and plastic discarded there, in conjunction with the fact that their napkins, sandwich containers, and cups are made of recycled and/or recyclable products, you'd think they'd provide the very option they so openly claim to champion. Kinda hypocritical, no?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Oh, Heeeyyy

A guy I know was telling me about how he was banging this girl in front of a mirror recently, and because he's been working out so much lately, he was turned on by himself. Does that make him gay, or just vain?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I Don't Care If I'm In Antarctica!

I hate when any establishment adjusts its thermostat according to the weather outside. The indoor temperature should always be 72 degrees. Always. You'll adjust. No need to be so reactionary.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ugh! I Can't Believe I Have To Wait My Turn

I love these people at cafes who, after ordering, exhale incredulously every time anyone other than them has his/her order called. They're giving them out in the exact sequence in which the orders were taken. Chill the fuck out. Just because you finally made it to the counter to place your order doesn't mean the entire line of people that was in front of you when you walked in magically disappeared.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Por, No?

I have a female friend who was telling me and a buddy that all women like porn. We argued that 100% of men like porn, whether they admit it or not, and agreed that a much higher percentage of women than admit it enjoy porn, but not all.

So, if my female readers can please, anonymously if you prefer, comment on this post and honestly report whether you do or do not like porn, I'd be much obliged. This is for science people, so even if you don't normally comment, which is most of you, please do so now. I fully recognize that this isn't a significant sample size, but if even one of you says you honestly don't like porn, then it proves my point. Thank you...

Oh, and if you're a guy who honestly does not like porn, then please comment, too. . . though you're obviously lying.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Shakespeare Did NOT Have OCD

I recently read a biography about William Shakespeare (though it was more an account of how little we actually know about him), and in it they say that none of his manuscripts was found among his personal effects at the time of his death because, at that time, the owners of the theaters that put on the plays actually owned the plays themselves. The writers just received a relatively meager, one-time fee and handed over their written work.

Now, I know the printing press had been invented already, but there were no printers or copying machines. I never would've been able to write more than, like, three plays in my entire life if I lived back then because my borderline OCD would've required me to hand copy several copies of everything I wrote for fear that the theater company might lose the original, or the lone copy might get stolen, etc... I would've spent the bulk of my existence copying down what I'd already written!

Monday, October 18, 2010


The new season of MTV's Real World-Road Rules Challenge is called Cutthroat, and the big, physical confrontation at the end of each episode takes place in an arena that is being called "The Gulag." Now, I'm not a doctor or anything, but something tells me, if you survived an actual gulag, you might find this highly offensive, if not slightly hyperbolic. While I know the gulags weren't technically full-on death camps (despite high mortality rates), what's next, MTV? Is next season's gladiatorial battleground going to be called Auschwitz?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Uppers & Downers

I'll preface this by saying, I always put the toilet seat down after I pee, the result of both being raised by a single mother and an aesthetic preference.

But seriously, what's this absurdity with women assuming they have the right to dictate the default state of a toilet seat? Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Last I checked, about half the population has dicks, but you don't see us throwing a tantrum every time we walk into a bathroom where the seat is down, thus requiring the same effort on our part to adjust the seat according to our needs. In fact, I would argue that it takes more effort to lift the seat than it does to just drop it. And, you'd think women would prefer the seat to be up in between uses because that would diminish the chances of a lazy dude (of whom there is no shortage) micturating (look it up...if the context clues aren't doing it for you) all over the seat.

The only argument I find semi-coherent is that women always need the seat down, and even guys need it down some of the time, thus showing that three out of four below-the-waist bodily expulsions necessitate a seat that is in the downward position. But, this is deceptive because it's based on categorical variables rather than quantitative ones. And what that means is, while 75% of bathroom categories (man pee, man poop, girl pee, girl poop...though we all know that last one is as mythical as the female orgasm) require the seat be down, the actual volume of pees so vastly outweighs the volume of poops that this seemingly reasonable argument is, practically speaking, rendered null and void.

Bottom line, I'll keep putting the seat down if you promise to shut the fuck up when someone else does not.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Reality TV?

Why does every sitcom always have a semi-serious episode in which someone falsely accuses someone else of something terrible as part of some ridiculous misunderstanding and then apologizes later? And the person accused is always someone who would totally do exactly what he is being accused of, but because this is the one time he isn't guilty, he feels justified in getting all self-righteous.

Like the episode of ALF where ALF gets accused of eating the family cat when it really just ran away, or something. ALF gets all offended (in English, of course, which is clearly the native tongue of all those who hail from Melmac) that the family doesn't believe him, even though every single day since his spaceship crashed into their work shed he's either tried to eat the cat or at least made a joke about it.

Am I missing something? Is this something that happens frequently in the real world? I'm honestly asking because I don't think I've ever falsely accused anyone of anything...ever. Nor would I put up with some asshole, who in the past has repeatedly done whatever he was accused of, incredulously pontificate about how hurt he is that his accusers would think so little of him. No way in hell. That little sermon would end real fast.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Bag Ladies...And Gentlemen

I think people under-appreciate the value of a good bagger at the supermarket. That shit's a science. Separate hot from cold, soft from hard, heavy from light, double-bag when necessary...the permutations are endless, and there's a whole hierarchy involved. And for all the times they get it right, you really only notice when they screw up (an egg is cracked, your chips are crushed, your cold drink isn't cold anymore because it's next to your soup, etc.), and that doesn't seem fair.

Axe Does It Again

While I don't use their products, I do admire their marketing team:

Thursday, October 14, 2010

That's Just Maff

I saw a store recently, and painted on the window, like, permanently stenciled and painted on the window, were the words, "We are always 50% off!" Ummm...then no, you're not. Get it? It's not like this place carried other people's products and then sold those for half the normal listing price; this was a boutique clothing store with its own line. If you're always 50% off, then that's just 100% the price. Sorry.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Pump The Brakes, Shorty

Pet peeve: when people continue to call/text/email when you haven't called, texted, or written back yet. I'm not retarded. I'm not gonna suddenly have time now that you called for the sixth time in a row. I'll get back to you, though your incessant badgering is making my subconscious want to punish you by never responding. Chill.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Legal Advice

I was talking to some friends the other day, and we were trying to figure something out. We have naked pictures of girls we hooked up with in high school, that we took, consensually, back when we, too, were in high school. So if our apartments were ever raided (for God knows what reason), and they found those pictures (which would be kinda nice, because I can't remember where they are), could we be convicted of being in possession of child pornography?

I said, no, because the photographs were taken by us when we were underage, as well. There's no way you're required to sift through all of your pictures immediately upon turning 18 and throw out any "inappropriate" (i.e. - so appropriate) ones. That pretty clearly seems to be too big of a burden placed on the average citizen in terms of forcing him/her to take action.

A more interesting, grayer-area question would be, what if you were caught in the act of masturbating to said photos? Aha!

Also, as a fun exercise, we came up with a few more intriguing, Talmud-esque variations on this theme: what if you're caught in possession of a picture of yourself from when you were still a minor? And, what if you get caught whacking it to that old picture of yourself?! Is it still illegal, even though it's you?! Furthermore, another friend added this wrinkle: what if you accidentally stumble upon an old picture of a young, naked girl from your high-school days while with a girl (of legal age), and that girl you're with starts jerking you off to the picture of the underage girl, so that you had no active role in it?!

These are the topics they should be broaching in Philosophy 101 at colleges. Not this Descartes and Kant crap... By the way, if anyone has any actual answers or interesting opinions on these matters, please feel free to comment.

(Special thanks to "The Universe," "Paps," and Pete...)

Monday, October 11, 2010


I saw some girl on a unicycle the other day. She was riding it all casually and stopped right in front of me and pretended to read a sign, as if it's normal to ride a unicycle, and she's not a complete fucking freak who's screaming for attention.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Billie Fucking Jean

How many times can one song be played over the course of nearly thirty years and still make you want to sing along every time?!?!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

All for Naught

I hate theater. Plays, musicals . . . I'm sorry, but they're just awful. Yes, all of them. Singing your lines? Seriously? Get the fuck out of my face with that. It just requires way too much suspension of disbelief. I can't get into it.

Look, I understand why plays were great when that was the best we could do, but we've advanced since then! You don't see people using ice boxes anymore; we stopped when the refrigerator came along. That's why we have movies now, where we get to make sure everything looks and sounds right (theoretically, of course. In actuality, most of these are complete shit bombs, too...just not as bad as plays) before we parade them around for public consumption. You're not confined to one stage or limited set dressing and props, or constrained by the time it takes your actors to change outfits...

Yes, I appreciate that much theater is very artfully written, and I appreciate that live performances require much more skill and effort on the part of the actors...I just don't care! I care about the end product. It's wasted effort, if you ask me.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Still with the Cancer?

So, my last post, a response to the negative responses to my cervical cancer joke, got more responses than the original post that prompted my first response. Therefore, in the interest of fairness, I've chosen to reprint one of the responses from a friend whose opinion I respect, and my response to that response. Pretty responsible of me, huh?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the number of responses actually reflects the veracity of an argument. I don't think truth should be determined democratically. Everyone thought the Earth was flat, but that didn't make it so. Likewise, most people believe in God...

Point is, I thought this was an eloquent analysis of why people may have been/should have the right to be offended. Whether I agree or not, it forced me to more clearly state why I feel the way I do. Anyway, if you're still reading, here's his response, followed by mine...

HIM: "I just saw your last blog post about cancer. I totally respect that your stance is nothing is too sacred to joke about, and in fact, that is often a great way to make the tragic moments in life more bearable. It's a totally reasonable position, but you seem so dismayed that not everyone feels this way!

"You have to acknowledge that some of your fans/readers just don't agree with your stance on everything, no? That's the beauty of your blog: you write funny, controversial stuff and you don't compromise or pander. But the trade-off is that that you have to respect everyone else's viewpoints as well and take pains not to use your blog as a "bully pulpit." I don't think they are being quite as unreasonable as you seem to think. Some people take stuff more seriously than you do (or at least more seriously than you do in your blog)--that's okay, too.

"Thank god we live in America. I wouldn't want an authoritarian regime to tell me I had to make light of everything any more than I would want to be told that everything must be deadly serious."

ME: "I agree with most of what you're saying. One of my major issues with life/humanity is that I feel people take things WAY too seriously. I feel like so many people often SEEK OUT reasons to be offended and be self-righteous...maybe because it makes them feel better about their own shortcomings when they get to preach to other people about how they should be more sensitive? I really think the world would be a lot better off if people weren't so easily outraged about stuff that's not even intended as an attack.

"Now, granted, I most certainly represent the other extreme. There's probably a pretty strong argument that I don't take things seriously enough, and that's likely because, relative to the rest of the world, I've led an extremely charmed life (though I think that's also my natural disposition). I just find it amusing when people who read my blog, and know me, and know what I write about, and tell me how hilarious they find other stuff that can be interpreted as way more offensive than that one joke, then draw arbitrary lines in the sand. So I felt the need to explain why I think that liking that joke, and the joke itself, in no way SUPPORTS cancer, which is what would be offensive. No one HAS TO find it funny, but I guess I do kinda feel they HAVE TO not be offended by it. . . .

"Amendment: like you said, you can't mandate emotional states, so maybe I shouldn't say you CAN'T be offended, but if you are, you should be required to understand WHY before you open your trap!"

Done. Thanks for reading...

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Cancer Isn't Funny

Duh. We can all agree on that, right? Apparently not. I've received several less-than-thrilled responses to my previous post ( ). But you know what? I'm glad. Because this gives me the opportunity to discuss why people are illogically over-sensitive.

Clearly (I fucking hope!), I do not support cervical cancer. Clearly, being a fan of my blog does not mean that you support cervical cancer...even if there is a joke in which "cervical cancer" is the punchline posted on my blog. Furthermore, actual cancer is not what makes the joke in which "cervical cancer" was the punchline funny. The humor lies, first, in the misdirection of the question, and then in the absurdity of making a joke whose punchline is "cervical cancer," because it's SO clear that cancer is not funny. Laughing at this joke in no way demands that you find cancer funny. Just because the word "cancer" is said, and there's a joke in the immediate vicinity, does not mean you are required to be offended.

My father had a very scary episode with a brain tumor a few years back; that does not preclude me from enjoying the scene in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold Schwarzenegger screams, "It's not a tumor!" just because it's a joke in which "tumor" is the punchline.

So, in conclusion, all offendees can now relax in knowing that their readership in no way condones or contributes to the spread of actual cervical cancer in any way. You're welcome.


Q: What's black and eats a lot of pussy?

A: Cervical cancer.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Art Is Weird

I don't know what this means, but it has boobies in it:

EL GUINCHO Bombay from MGdM Marc Gómez del Moral on Vimeo.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Might As Well Get An Ed Hardy T-Shirt While I'm At It

I recently caved and got a Blackberry because my old flip phone finally died on me...may she rest in peace. I instantly became a douche. It was incredible. There was no adjustment period or gradual, Kafkaesque metamorphosis. I'm on it constantly, I'm rude as hell whenever people are around, and I'm perpetually unaware of my surroundings. I really hope the novelty wears off soon, because otherwise, I am going to plunge to cavernous depths of self-loathing...

Monday, October 4, 2010

Stop Being A Whore...In Front of Your Children, At Least

If you're a mom, and you're walking around with your kids, you should not be wearing a shirt that exposes your stomach. Especially if you have a gut, but even if your shit is tight. You're a mother. You had your belly-shirt days...back in fucking high school. Shit, if you really still need to expose as much flesh as possible when you leave the house, go for it...just not when you're with your children! Show some self-respect and a little restraint. At least try not to raise little whores. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Eternal Optimist

I just realized that it's still possible for me to fulfill one of my childhood dreams: a threesome with Nicole Eggert and Alyssa Milano. In fact, I would argue that it becomes even more possible with each passing year.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Hurry!...You Degenerate

I was at the airport recently, and I saw some woman frantically, comically running. I don't know why, but I get so annoyed whenever I see people rushing. Now, this was at an airport; I realize this. There's a pretty high probability this woman's flight was delayed, and she was rushing to make her connection. Hell, maybe her child had just been snatched by some creeper in a trench coat, and she was running to get help. I don't know.

What I do know, is that I had a strong, negative, visceral reaction to her dramatic flailing, and I wanted to understand why. I think it's because I don't respect people who can't budget their time properly. I'm almost NEVER late, so to me, if you're in such a rush that you have to actually break into a run in public, then you're probably an incompetent fuck-up, and I don't want to have any personal dealings with you.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Was gonna write my usual blather, but then I heard the sad news: Greg Giraldo died of an overdose! For those of you who don't know, he was an awesome, under-appreciated comedian who I've been a big fan of for many years. Anyway, sad stuff. Here are a few clips for your enjoyment:


Here's my stance: if you can't make it across a street on your own, the world's probably better off without you. I'm going with Natural Selection on this one...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

With Friends Like These, I Tell Ya...

For years, when I didn't have a job with normal hours, I drove my friends to and from the airport whenever they needed (as long as it wasn't before 10:00am). I recently got back into LA from NY on a Tuesday night, and everyone was miraculously busy. My friends never do anything, and suddenly, it was the busiest Tuesday fucking night of the 21st century! I literally asked like twelve fucking people. Thanks a lot...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sagely Advice

I used to feel that comedy trumped all. If an opportunity presented itself to make a funny joke or comment, you had to take it, and people just needed to be okay with whatever you said because it was clearly meant as a joke and the point was to make people laugh, and diffuse whatever shit people were taking too seriously anyway. Like, if you're in a fight with a girlfriend, or something, and she's mad at you because you laughed at something you shouldn't have, and when she's yelling at you about it, you make a joke because you couldn't pass up the moment...

ANGRY GIRLFRIEND: My grandma almost choked to death on a hot dog today--

ME: That's not the first time she's choked from shoving too much down her throat...

ANGRY GIRLFRIEND: (Incredulous, enraged silence.)

But, one thing I've learned with age: just because it's funny, doesn't mean you have to do or say it. A hard lesson learned/still being learned...

Rich Man's Burden

This is a great article from Bill Maher. It supports what I've suspected all along: social consciousness has to be the responsibility of the wealthy because it's hard to blame someone who's struggling to get by for doing whatever he/she has to do to feed his/her family. That's why it drives me nuts when people get mad at the impoverished citizens of third world countries who kill endangered species or destroy rare, rain forest habitats. Hold the people who are paying money for that to happen accountable, not the ones working their asses off doing whatever they have to do to survive.

Sorry. Deal with it, rich people. You don't like it? Give up your money and people will stop expecting things of you. Something tells me you wouldn't be alright with that trade off, though, because you're happy where you are. So shhhh. As Chris Rock says, "Sometimes, the people with the most shit, get to say the least shit, and the people with the least shit, get to say the most shit. So if you wanna say more shit, get rid of some of your shit!"

Here's the Bill Maher article:

Friday, September 24, 2010

Colbert Communes with Congress

I love this fucking guy! And I love that there are douchebags out there who take themselves so seriously they refuse to laugh. Watch and revel in Stephen Colbert's genius . . . and balls:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sweeping The Nation? Really?

This is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. All of it. Worst commercial, worst product. Everything about it.

I think my favorite part is the girl on her phone, talking about how amazing the Fushigi Ball is . . . because she obviously couldn't wait, and had to tell someone about it immediately! I also love how they try to get a little street cred goin' at about the minute-and-a-half mark. This thing seems to really be directed at people who are failures at everything else they do because the commercial repeatedly stresses that anyone can do this. And, I'd venture to wager that you probably are a failure at everything if you end up buying one of these things.

Watch, and join me as I die a little inside:

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Legs & Grapes

I was staying at my buddy's apartment in NYC last month, and I was shuffling home at about 3:00AM one night. As I was walking in, a girl with long, tan, beautiful legs was entering in front of me. I was kinda pumped to get in the elevator with her . . . and then she turned around. Face? . . . Not so much. But, I'm an affable guy, and she was holding some grapes, so I decided to make a human connection, "Some late-night grapes, huh." To which she raised her upper lip and, with great effort, managed a "Yeah."

Fuck you! I was trying to be friendly! You're not even cute, as it turns out. You don't get to be a bitch!

Reggie Watts

I'm kind of obsessed with this dude lately. Super creative, super talented, and pretty funny, too. Here are his two best videos:

This second one they wouldn't let me embed, but here's the link. It's called "What About Blow-jobs." It's amazing:

Monday, September 20, 2010

(feat. _____)

Is it just me, or are rappers super codependent? They can never do anything on their own, you know. When's the last time you saw a track on a hip-hop album that wasn't featuring another artist? Think about it...