Oh yeah. If you're blowing a guy and he's close, don't fuck with the rhythm.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Oh yeah. If you're blowing a guy and he's close, don't fuck with the rhythm.
Monday, December 27, 2010
"Hey, let's force this guy to strip naked and then shove something up his ass! Then everyone will definitely know we're not gay!" How insecure was this gang?!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
This video is of the most recent episode in its entirety, because they didn't provide smaller clips of individual segments, but I'm posting it because I want you to watch just the opening segment and marvel. It's footage of an annual arms, as in weaponry, convention, that is attended by high-level military personnel of pretty much every country. Yes, officials from warring armies have the audacity to mill about the same convention center smiling and shaking hands with each other, while purchasing weapons they will then use to kill each other. Countries' weapon manufacturers will sell weapons to their friend's enemies, their enemies' friends, or even directly to their enemies themselves, even though those weapons will be used against them . . . though not personally, of course. Just against the lowly underlings they command, who happen to be humans. It's completely absurd, and highlights the meaninglessness of everything, I think. Seriously, the government doesn't give a shit if you die, as long as the people in charge, and their cronies, are living well.
Wallow in the despicability:
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
And then my friend goes, "If you're a hot chick, and you don't end up rich . . . you fucked up. Full stop. You fucked up. Look at yourself in the mirror, and figure out where you went wrong when God gave you a golden ticket."
(Special thanks to my friend . . . who will remain nameless, for his own sake.)
I'm all for diplomacy and being sensitive to people's local traditions/preferences, especially given how ignorant Americans generally are about the rest of the world, but this is getting ridiculous. People need to calm the fuck down about stupid shit . . . here in America, too, but this particular example is the latest to get me all fired up. I'm starting to warm to the idea of nuking the planet and starting over again . . . if it weren't for all those damn adorable animals! Read:
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
1. I love women! Already, with three simple words, I have refuted their argument. But seriously, I love women. So much so, that I have extremely high expectations of the ones I choose to be around. So maybe that means I'm all the more disappointed when they fail to meet those lofty (unrealistic?) expectations...
2. Following from reason number one, I don't date men, so they're not disappointing or annoying me nearly as often or in the same way as women are. Hence, I don't complain about them as much. Let me make this clear: men are insecure retards, too . . . I just don't give a shit because it doesn't affect me. (Although, many women have argued that they, themselves, are disappointing and annoying in the ways I find them to be, because insecure and abusive men have made them react in those ways. To which I ask, "So, you're arguing that you behave a certain way towards men because you essentially . . . allowed men to make you behave that way?" Hmmm. Granted, not even nearly all the women I've encountered champion this argument, but I've heard enough say it that it bore repeating.)
3. And finally, I don't ignore our innate gender differences (see previous posts about The Pill: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/12/pill.html, and women in the workplace: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/11/separate-but-equal.html and http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/11/fyi.html). We are certainly equal, but we are certainly not the same. Stop pretending like we are.
Watch back when Kevin Smith was good:
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I mean, look, don't get me wrong, I totally get the appeal of prostitution; the idea of paying a hot chick to let her do whatever you want to her does seem kinda (very) fun every now and then, especially if you're busy with work and don't feel like putting in the extensive effort it takes to convince a normal hot girl to let you do stuff to her. Because we all know, in the words of Oscar-winners Three 6 Mafia, "it's hard out here for a pimp."
But, no. Uh uh. If you've read my blog for any prolonged amount of time, you know the germ-factor alone is enough to dissuade me from sticking my P in any heavy-traffic V's. But moreover, I have major moral issues with it, believe it or not. Not in general; I actually believe prostitution should be legal, while strictly regulated, even if it isn't my cup of tea (for my more detailed explanation, read: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/01/pimps-down-hos-up.html). But prostitution in poor, third-world countries is not regulated at all. Many women, or more accurately, girls, are forced into it. And, those who aren't physically forced into it, but choose it , are often, as women, extremely limited in their options of viable career paths. In a lot of these countries, a woman's body can be her sole financial commodity, and thus, while not forced into a life of prostitution, it may be the best way for her to earn enough money to be independent. I don't really feel comfortable contributing to the perpetuation of that market by increasing demand.
You could, of course, argue that this monstrous market isn't going to miss my nominal contribution, and you'd probably be right. Furthermore, you could even argue in favor of me contributing to that market by saying that if I give these girls more money, I may be affording them a better opportunity to escape their environments more quickly. But to me, that's like giving money to homeless addicts when you could be donating it directly to rehab/treatment facilities instead. Call it a philosophical difference.
Now for the caveat: the "Old Fashioned." That is, the hand job. This is the slippery slope, the gateway sex act, the weed of the prostitution world... In the case of the ol' HJ, there is no penetration or risk of disease. The prostitute is essentially giving you a massage in a region of your body where you don't usually get one. No one would question it if she massaged the same spot on your back for about seven-and-a-half minutes in order to relieve some stress, but if she flips you over and moves about a foot south, it apparently changes things. You could definitely rationalize it this way, saying it's just a massage . . . with a better feeling in the end, and she doesn't have to sacrifice her body. Win-win, right?
Don't worry. For the record, I'm still opting out. I'm just saying . . . I understand.
Friday, December 17, 2010
But alas, the body doesn't work like that, and women are more frequently confronting the harsh reality that the freedom afforded them by The Pill has been accompanied by the potential cost of not being able to have children. In a way, by comparing themselves to men, or maybe more accurately, needing to compete with men in a very real way in order to gain financial independence, women have neglected to fully acknowledge genuine physical differences that, I won't say limit them, so much as should probably lead them to reevaluate and create different, viable paths . . . if they even want to have children. I think somewhere in the article there was talk about women having children in their 20's, when their bodies are most receptive to that, and starting careers later in life, altering the new traditional paradigm.
Generally, feminist organizations adamantly support The Pill and attack women who suggest alternate paths, such as the one I just mentioned, as anti-feminist, and supporting the male agenda. But the article eloquently points out that it has been a very long time since men have viewed women as threats who need to be disarmed through incapacitation, “There’s a strain of feminist thought that’s still trapped in the mind-set that the male patriarchy wants women pregnant and has been withholding things like abortion and contraception from them because of it.” The whole point of the article is to say that The Pill, while shockingly safe and pretty magical, is not completely magical in that it does not change the fact that women's ability to get pregnant decreases with age.
Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is to say that The Pill has led to people having fewer babies, and it's being called a fertility crisis. Crisis?! I don't see what the crisis is. Science wins again.
Here's the article, in case you want to read it: http://nymag.com/news/features/69789/
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I do that anyway! 'Cause I'm a nice person. But when you go and make a sign like that, now I feel like you think I'm only doing it because you told me to and that's annoying.
I guess I've just always hated being told what I'm supposed to do. It's like, no, I knew that already and would've done that on my own. I want to be appreciated for not having to be told what logic and common sense and basic humanity already dictate. How else are we supposed to distinguish between the assholes and the good ones?!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
No shit! You're 45! Of course you don't feel like you used to! Of course your testosterone levels are dropping! They're supposed to! That's not a condition, it just is! Enjoy your newfound freedom from obsessing over sex 24 hours a day, and get some reading done, or something. Jesus.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Which, obviously, is hilarious because, what else is there to miss?! That's the whole thing!
Then, later, we again found ourselves talking about the muffin girl's muff, and my buddy shook his head and said, "If my wife knew the shit we talked about..." And I asked, "Would she actually care?" And he replied, "C'mon. Let's keep it real. I don't think she'd be too thrilled to hear me perving out on some teenage girl's knickers."
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Keep in mind, it still helps me if you go to the blog itself, AND, there are often videos posted that won't be viewable in the email you receive, but it's a great shortcut for those days you're in a rush or even, God forbid, forget to check the blog itself. Please refer all your friends to the blog and tell them to subscribe to the mailing list, too!
You can still also follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ImTheCurmudgeon . . . (I know; Twitter.)
Thanks for reading, and enjoy!
P.S. Warning: a lot of email accounts are redirecting the mailing list confirmation emails to spam, so please make sure you check your spam box. Thanks!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
http://njfromnj.tumblr.com/post/292760542/anyone-wanna-gauge-how-not-ok-i-am-i-actually ). I recognize that not all of these songs were released in 2010, maybe not even most of them. It's my list, and these are the songs I listened to the most in 2010. This isn't a music blog; deal with it. This takes time and effort to compile, so fucking appreciate it...and enjoy it... Oughta keep you busy for a while:
1. Rural Alberta Advantage's "In The Summertime" and "Don't Haunt This Place." "In The Summertime" is probably my favorite song of the year. I still have yet to tire of it:
2. Frightened Rabbit's "Nothing Like You" and "Swim Until You Can't See Land." This is far and away one of my favorite (relatively) new bands. I liked their last album better, but this one was pretty fantastic, too, and their lyrics are pretty damn good:
3. We Were Promised Jetpacks' "Keeping Warm." These guys remind me of Frightened Rabbit, who, as just mentioned, I love. This song has a little too much instrumental action going on for a vocals guy like myself, so feel free to skip the first four minutes to get to the meat...though the build-up is rather nice:
4. Phoenix's "Countdown (Sick for the Big Sun)." Yeah, everyone's heard about these guys by now, but this is one of their less-appreciated awesome songs:
5. Ra Ra Riot's "Can You Tell." They're like a better version of Vampire Weekend. They just released a new album this year, but this one is off their older, better album. Sorry, guys:
6. Vampire Weekend's "Cousins." Now, having just said what I just said about Vampire Weekend, they do have some pretty good songs, too. Here's one of the better ones. Plus, their new album was better than their first:
7. The Long Winters' "Portland (acoustic)." This band's really good and never gets any credit:
8. The Format's "Faith in Fast Cars (acoustic)." Great band. No longer in existence. Reincarnated as Fun...not as good:
9. Greg Laswell's "I'd Be Lying" and "Comes And Goes (In Waves)." This guy's made a few pretty good albums already:
10. Broken Bells' "The High Road." Broken Bells are the lead singer of The Shins and Danger Mouse, and they put out a pretty great album this year:
11. Aqueduct's "Just The Way I Are." This song is years old, by a band no one's really heard of, off an amazing album, with the kind of depressing lyrics that I like, and it reminds of someone specific, so it was in heavy rotation this year. I could only find a poor quality live version:
12. Nas and Damian Marley's "Patience." So not my normal bag, but I had this thing on repeat for, like, two months!
13. Harvey Danger's "Pike St./Park Slope." An incredible, old, obscure song from a band that, unfortunately, is only known for "Flagpole Sitta":
14. Weezer's "Kids/Pokerface." Self-explanatory. Kinda sad that Weezer's best new songs are covers, but this is pretty awesome. I especially love the part at the beginning when he fucks up what year it is!
15. Steel Train's "Bullet" and "Fast Asleep." Now, granted this is a friend's band, but these are some pretty great songs. I wouldn't force them upon you otherwise... Promise:
16. Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over." Sure, everyone and their mother's heard this song by now...especially since they used it in the preview for that shit-bomb, Eat, Pray, Cock...but for good goddamn reason:
17. Old 97's "The Magician." I've loved these guys for a very long time. This is off their new album, and this was the best version I could find:
18. Dave Smallen's "America." Never heard of this guy and don't even remember how I ended up with this song, but it popped up on shuffle, and I've taken quite a shining to it:
19. Cee-Lo Green's "Fuck You." Another popular one by now, but fuck that "forget you" version. This is the way it was meant to be:
20. The Revivalists' "Soulfight." Don't remember how I even heard of this one, but I don't care. This was the only version I could find. Quality's pretty eh:
21. Clem Snide's "Faithfully." Well, it's not really Clem Snide's; it's Journey's. Regardless, this is an awesome cover it:
Clem Snide covers Journey
22. Elvis Perkins' "While You Were Sleeping." Pretty haunting song, especially when you delve a little deeper into the subject matter. Hint: this is off an album that deals with his mother's death on one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers on September 11th. Yeah. I know. Stop bringing us down, right? So selfish:
23. Noah's "Cheers to the Vampires." This is my little brother, and he's really fucking good...I think. Didn't have a video to embed because he recorded this on his bathroom floor (hence the recording quality) one exceptionally depressing evening, or "Tuesday," as he likes to call it, so here's a link. Listen:
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
(Incidentally, if any of you happen to know him, or know someone who does, please let me know. I'm being completely serious. I need to ask him something. Just comment on this post.)
Monday, December 6, 2010
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c|
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I love Colbert.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Read here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11811933
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
I've been helping a buddy of mine look at apartments to purchase, an ongoing ordeal since he is, wisely, being extremely selective given the awesomeness of his current abode. Finally, a week ago, for the first time since we first started looking a while ago, we saw one that he loved right away! We walked out, and he knew he wanted to make an offer. To protect the identity of my friend, not that there's anything incriminating in this post, we'll call the apartment complex "Ocean Gardens."
So, the other night, after this same friend went on a date, I called him to ask how it went. And he goes, "She was pretty and cool, but she was no Ocean Gardens. When I fall in love, I kinda wanna feel what I felt when I first set my eyes on unit 17 . . ."
And you know what? He's absolutely right. When you know . . . you know . . . said the single guy . . .
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Just kidding. I fucking love animals, especially white fluffy ones called Spirit Bears! Watch:
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sorry I haven't updated the blog in a while, but I've been in bed, miserably sick, for the last week! Basically, it feels like someone raped my throat with some sort of cactus-like dildo. I had about a year-and-a-half healthy streak going there, too...which is a long time for frail Jews like me.
And can I just say, I picked the worst possible time to get sick: holiday season. If you think commercials are bad year-round, they're nothing compared to the shit they rush to usher out in time for Black Friday. There are the always-vomit-inducing Kay Jewellers commercials. This year has also brought with it an especially terrible Target ad campaign for some sort of special sale aimed at mentally disabled women (watch the commercials and you'll see what I mean).
And finally, there are the car commercials. It's irritating enough that there are people running around with enough extra money to buy their loved ones brand new fucking cars as holiday gifts...and I'm not one of them, but I feel like these ads gets worse every year. One has the whole family rigging some elaborate giant stocking as a curtain behind which they hide the new car with which they elaborately surprise Mom. Another one has the car actually parked in the living room of the house. And here, my least favorite of the year. Hyundai trying to "indify" their ad campaign with annoyingly staccato indie versions of the same crap-shit holiday songs I have to hear every goddamn year. Am I supposed to find this awkward girl who keeps nervously looking over her shoulder for the insane serial killer with the beard and weird instruments endearing? Because she's not...nor is the car:
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
And I was like, hmm, that's crazy, but I guess it also makes sense. Women have that there clock to worry about, and his wife would be almost 40 in five years, and they say the longer you wait to have kids, the greater the chance that the baby isn't healthy. He acknowledged this and then said, "If only there were a way to delay another five years..."
So I asked him, "If you could be given an extra five years, but you knew your kid would definitely be one of those sick, weak-immune-system, spontaneous-nose-bleed kids, nothing life threatening or majorly debilitating, as a result, would you do it?"
He thought about it for a minute, laughed, and then said, "No. . . . But what does it say about me that I'd consider it?!"
Friday, November 19, 2010
So, because she was a friend of a friend's friend, I asked my friend to ask his friend to ask her why she didn't want to go on a second date, and to stress that she be honest because I wasn't going to find out, even though that last part was a lie. This is for science, people. Anyway, it turns out she didn't like my sense of humor. When I heard that, my reaction was, "Oh. Well she's wrong. That's awesome." Because I'm fine with my sense of humor as is, and it's not like she thought I was ugly, so I felt like I wouldn't have done anything differently, you know.
And that got me thinking: wouldn't post-date report cards be kind of amazing?! If people weren't such hyper-sensitive pussies and could handle some criticism, they'd become so much more self-aware, and probably way less awful to be around. You know, a few standard questions like, "Did your date talk about exes too much, not at all, or just enough?", or "Did your date get too drunk or not drunk enough?", or "Did your date order dinner even though you only asked her out for fucking drinks?!" And then there'd be a comment section at the end for you to freestyle a little. Then, if you got three date report cards in a row that said, "Rambles on about her ugly cat way too much," you might say to yourself, "Gee, maybe it's weird that I'm so focused on my disgusting cat all the time. What does that say about me?" Although, most likely you'd think, "Men are such insensitive, animal-hating jerks! Everyone's wrong but me." And, of course, the ones doing the grading would probably take out their own issues on the ones being graded. Because people are retarded and self-centered and massively insecure. But if this post-date-report-card system could save even one person . . . just one person . . .
Thursday, November 18, 2010
So I try to pass them at a relatively slow rate so they can feel like they haven't dropped off that much. So they can think, "Hey! That guy's half my age and he's barely passing me!", you know. Then, as soon as I turn the corner, and they can't see me anymore...it's off to the races!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
"So now I know that there's another life in my body that can't outlive me but can kill me, it's the perfect moment to gratefully acknowledge that I'm a product of a cosmic design? Who thinks up these arguments? Actually it's an insulting question: 'I hear you're dying. Well wouldn't it be a good time to get rid of your beliefs?' Try it on them and see how they would like it. 'Christian, right? Cancer of the tits?' 'Well, yes, since you ask.' 'Well, can I suggest you now drop all that tripe?'"
He cracks me up. Here's the full article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/nov/14/christopher-hitchens-cancer-interview
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The rules are just different for guys and girls. A girl can say whatever she wants (on a first date--over time, you still have to possess desirable personality traits), and if she's hot, the guy won't really care; he'll still hook up with her. But a girl . . . she can get turned off by anything. Anything! One false move, one wrong word, and she can be taken out of the mood like-*SNAP*-that! Talk at your own peril, fellas.
Now if I could only heed my own advice . . .
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Look, if you're my friend, you get the couch. I don't care if you're a girl, if you're just a friend, you get treated like all my other friends. If I'm trying to fuck you, you get the bed . . . with me in it. That's a very simple, and I think logical, rubric.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Now, that being said, I fucking love the guitar solo at around the four-minute mark of Dinosaur Jr.'s "Get Me." I'm a hypocrite. So what? It's my blog; I do what I want. Listen to it. So good...
I couldn't find the original album version with the solo I like, but this is a good acoustic version:
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
My recently departed grandfather :( used to call these people "pilots," because, he said, it's like they have a laundry list of gauges to check before takeoff.
Don't be a pilot . . . unless you're actually flying my plane.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I asked my friend what she was doing for Halloween weekend, and she was like, "Well, not sure yet because I'm running a 10K for cancer early Sunday morning."
Fuck cancer! It's not going anywhere. Cancer ruins enough lives. Can't it give us Halloween weekend off, for Christ's sake?!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I don't think I'm even capable of articulating how much this pains me. Not because I care about cars, because I don't (see here: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/06/guys-guys.html ), though the principle of so moronically devaluing your own property certainly irks me, but because knowing this stupid, idiotic person thinks he/she is being cute/funny and is circulating in general population just makes my skin crawl. Really? You're comparing yourself to a tiny-brained animal? Shiny objects distract you? Then hopefully you'll be distracted by the glare from the blade of my knife as I bludgeon your face with it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
So, if my female readers can please, anonymously if you prefer, comment on this post and honestly report whether you do or do not like porn, I'd be much obliged. This is for science people, so even if you don't normally comment, which is most of you, please do so now. I fully recognize that this isn't a significant sample size, but if even one of you says you honestly don't like porn, then it proves my point. Thank you...
Oh, and if you're a guy who honestly does not like porn, then please comment, too. . . though you're obviously lying.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Now, I know the printing press had been invented already, but there were no printers or copying machines. I never would've been able to write more than, like, three plays in my entire life if I lived back then because my borderline OCD would've required me to hand copy several copies of everything I wrote for fear that the theater company might lose the original, or the lone copy might get stolen, etc... I would've spent the bulk of my existence copying down what I'd already written!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
But seriously, what's this absurdity with women assuming they have the right to dictate the default state of a toilet seat? Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Last I checked, about half the population has dicks, but you don't see us throwing a tantrum every time we walk into a bathroom where the seat is down, thus requiring the same effort on our part to adjust the seat according to our needs. In fact, I would argue that it takes more effort to lift the seat than it does to just drop it. And, you'd think women would prefer the seat to be up in between uses because that would diminish the chances of a lazy dude (of whom there is no shortage) micturating (look it up...if the context clues aren't doing it for you) all over the seat.
The only argument I find semi-coherent is that women always need the seat down, and even guys need it down some of the time, thus showing that three out of four below-the-waist bodily expulsions necessitate a seat that is in the downward position. But, this is deceptive because it's based on categorical variables rather than quantitative ones. And what that means is, while 75% of bathroom categories (man pee, man poop, girl pee, girl poop...though we all know that last one is as mythical as the female orgasm) require the seat be down, the actual volume of pees so vastly outweighs the volume of poops that this seemingly reasonable argument is, practically speaking, rendered null and void.
Bottom line, I'll keep putting the seat down if you promise to shut the fuck up when someone else does not.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Like the episode of ALF where ALF gets accused of eating the family cat when it really just ran away, or something. ALF gets all offended (in English, of course, which is clearly the native tongue of all those who hail from Melmac) that the family doesn't believe him, even though every single day since his spaceship crashed into their work shed he's either tried to eat the cat or at least made a joke about it.
Am I missing something? Is this something that happens frequently in the real world? I'm honestly asking because I don't think I've ever falsely accused anyone of anything...ever. Nor would I put up with some asshole, who in the past has repeatedly done whatever he was accused of, incredulously pontificate about how hurt he is that his accusers would think so little of him. No way in hell. That little sermon would end real fast.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I said, no, because the photographs were taken by us when we were underage, as well. There's no way you're required to sift through all of your pictures immediately upon turning 18 and throw out any "inappropriate" (i.e. - so appropriate) ones. That pretty clearly seems to be too big of a burden placed on the average citizen in terms of forcing him/her to take action.
A more interesting, grayer-area question would be, what if you were caught in the act of masturbating to said photos? Aha!
Also, as a fun exercise, we came up with a few more intriguing, Talmud-esque variations on this theme: what if you're caught in possession of a picture of yourself from when you were still a minor? And, what if you get caught whacking it to that old picture of yourself?! Is it still illegal, even though it's you?! Furthermore, another friend added this wrinkle: what if you accidentally stumble upon an old picture of a young, naked girl from your high-school days while with a girl (of legal age), and that girl you're with starts jerking you off to the picture of the underage girl, so that you had no active role in it?!
These are the topics they should be broaching in Philosophy 101 at colleges. Not this Descartes and Kant crap... By the way, if anyone has any actual answers or interesting opinions on these matters, please feel free to comment.
(Special thanks to "The Universe," "Paps," and Pete...)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Look, I understand why plays were great when that was the best we could do, but we've advanced since then! You don't see people using ice boxes anymore; we stopped when the refrigerator came along. That's why we have movies now, where we get to make sure everything looks and sounds right (theoretically, of course. In actuality, most of these are complete shit bombs, too...just not as bad as plays) before we parade them around for public consumption. You're not confined to one stage or limited set dressing and props, or constrained by the time it takes your actors to change outfits...
Yes, I appreciate that much theater is very artfully written, and I appreciate that live performances require much more skill and effort on the part of the actors...I just don't care! I care about the end product. It's wasted effort, if you ask me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Don't get me wrong, I don't think the number of responses actually reflects the veracity of an argument. I don't think truth should be determined democratically. Everyone thought the Earth was flat, but that didn't make it so. Likewise, most people believe in God...
Point is, I thought this was an eloquent analysis of why people may have been/should have the right to be offended. Whether I agree or not, it forced me to more clearly state why I feel the way I do. Anyway, if you're still reading, here's his response, followed by mine...
HIM: "I just saw your last blog post about cancer. I totally respect that your stance is nothing is too sacred to joke about, and in fact, that is often a great way to make the tragic moments in life more bearable. It's a totally reasonable position, but you seem so dismayed that not everyone feels this way!
"You have to acknowledge that some of your fans/readers just don't agree with your stance on everything, no? That's the beauty of your blog: you write funny, controversial stuff and you don't compromise or pander. But the trade-off is that that you have to respect everyone else's viewpoints as well and take pains not to use your blog as a "bully pulpit." I don't think they are being quite as unreasonable as you seem to think. Some people take stuff more seriously than you do (or at least more seriously than you do in your blog)--that's okay, too.
"Thank god we live in America. I wouldn't want an authoritarian regime to tell me I had to make light of everything any more than I would want to be told that everything must be deadly serious."
ME: "I agree with most of what you're saying. One of my major issues with life/humanity is that I feel people take things WAY too seriously. I feel like so many people often SEEK OUT reasons to be offended and be self-righteous...maybe because it makes them feel better about their own shortcomings when they get to preach to other people about how they should be more sensitive? I really think the world would be a lot better off if people weren't so easily outraged about stuff that's not even intended as an attack.
"Now, granted, I most certainly represent the other extreme. There's probably a pretty strong argument that I don't take things seriously enough, and that's likely because, relative to the rest of the world, I've led an extremely charmed life (though I think that's also my natural disposition). I just find it amusing when people who read my blog, and know me, and know what I write about, and tell me how hilarious they find other stuff that can be interpreted as way more offensive than that one joke, then draw arbitrary lines in the sand. So I felt the need to explain why I think that liking that joke, and the joke itself, in no way SUPPORTS cancer, which is what would be offensive. No one HAS TO find it funny, but I guess I do kinda feel they HAVE TO not be offended by it. . . .
"Amendment: like you said, you can't mandate emotional states, so maybe I shouldn't say you CAN'T be offended, but if you are, you should be required to understand WHY before you open your trap!"
Done. Thanks for reading...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Clearly (I fucking hope!), I do not support cervical cancer. Clearly, being a fan of my blog does not mean that you support cervical cancer...even if there is a joke in which "cervical cancer" is the punchline posted on my blog. Furthermore, actual cancer is not what makes the joke in which "cervical cancer" was the punchline funny. The humor lies, first, in the misdirection of the question, and then in the absurdity of making a joke whose punchline is "cervical cancer," because it's SO clear that cancer is not funny. Laughing at this joke in no way demands that you find cancer funny. Just because the word "cancer" is said, and there's a joke in the immediate vicinity, does not mean you are required to be offended.
My father had a very scary episode with a brain tumor a few years back; that does not preclude me from enjoying the scene in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold Schwarzenegger screams, "It's not a tumor!" just because it's a joke in which "tumor" is the punchline.
So, in conclusion, all offendees can now relax in knowing that their readership in no way condones or contributes to the spread of actual cervical cancer in any way. You're welcome.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
What I do know, is that I had a strong, negative, visceral reaction to her dramatic flailing, and I wanted to understand why. I think it's because I don't respect people who can't budget their time properly. I'm almost NEVER late, so to me, if you're in such a rush that you have to actually break into a run in public, then you're probably an incompetent fuck-up, and I don't want to have any personal dealings with you.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
ANGRY GIRLFRIEND: My grandma almost choked to death on a hot dog today--
ME: That's not the first time she's choked from shoving too much down her throat...
ANGRY GIRLFRIEND: (Incredulous, enraged silence.)
But, one thing I've learned with age: just because it's funny, doesn't mean you have to do or say it. A hard lesson learned/still being learned...
Sorry. Deal with it, rich people. You don't like it? Give up your money and people will stop expecting things of you. Something tells me you wouldn't be alright with that trade off, though, because you're happy where you are. So shhhh. As Chris Rock says, "Sometimes, the people with the most shit, get to say the least shit, and the people with the least shit, get to say the most shit. So if you wanna say more shit, get rid of some of your shit!"
Here's the Bill Maher article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-rich-people-who-_b_737429.html
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I think my favorite part is the girl on her phone, talking about how amazing the Fushigi Ball is . . . because she obviously couldn't wait, and had to tell someone about it immediately! I also love how they try to get a little street cred goin' at about the minute-and-a-half mark. This thing seems to really be directed at people who are failures at everything else they do because the commercial repeatedly stresses that anyone can do this. And, I'd venture to wager that you probably are a failure at everything if you end up buying one of these things.
Watch, and join me as I die a little inside:
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Fuck you! I was trying to be friendly! You're not even cute, as it turns out. You don't get to be a bitch!
This second one they wouldn't let me embed, but here's the link. It's called "What About Blow-jobs." It's amazing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3IX4y7d5_s