Monday, January 31, 2011
They censored it. This show has people sticking needles in any parts of their bodies imaginable, snorting shit off of floors, cleaning syringes with toilet water, prostituting themselves for drug money...but you can't say "fuck?" Or "shit?" Where the fuck are our priorities?! Who, exactly, are we protecting in this equation? If a kid caught an episode by accident, are the curse words really going to be the components of the show that haunt his/her ensuing nightmares? We're so retarded...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Anyway, the episode I was watching took place in Miami. A neighbor reported that a terrible odor was emanating from a nearby apartment, and when police came to check it out, they found three dead bodies inside the apartment (a husband and wife, both 45, and their daughter, 24), all pretty well decomposed. Homicide detectives were called to the scene, but couldn't seem to find any evidence of a murder. Then they found a note.
Turns out the deceased were fasting, as a family, as part of some religious expression of devout faith, and made a pact that they would stay locked in the apartment and not eat until God provided for them. But alas, God must not have heard them. Yet another missed opportunity for The Big Guy to prove his existence; He's an elusive one, that God fella. As Ricky Gervais has said, "God must have been too busy giving AIDS to babies in Africa" to save these retards from starving themselves to death in a country that's responsible for creating the Big Gulp and the fast-food adjective "Super Size."
I'm gonna go ahead and take the position that the world is better off without these people. Good on ya, Darwin.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
A.) You couldn't handle extra-dimensional locomotion even if they did have flying cars, you entitled, never-invented-anything-yourself couch potato. You can't even handle operating an automobile in a planar milieu, so calm yourself about commandeering a jet-propelled motor vehicle. (I think that made sense.)
B.) Oh, wait. They do have flying cars. They're called planes and helicopters. That's what a flying car is. What makes a car a car? Wheels? Planes and helicopters both have those and can drive. The technology exists, we just don't all have personal helicopters, or "flying cars," as you call them, because, in a rare display of common sense, legislators know better than to let that happen (see letter A). Now work on learning how to use a fucking blinker for a change...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
P.S. - I still really want to bang Padma.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
1. Sports: Here's how my friend describes it: "A few friends and I utilize self-deprecating humor and esoteric sports knowledge to keep people in the know in the weirdest way possible." - http://manualbuzzer.blogspot.com/
2. Trendy Hipster Walks in Brooklyn: Self-explanatory - http://30walksinbrooklyn.wordpress.com/
3. Girl Talk: Not the cooool mash-up masters that everyone loves to love, but a girl...talking...about guys and shit - http://hesthatguy.net/
4. T-shirts: Some of my friends are even minorities! This particular fella has chosen to embrace his Border roots and produce cutesy Spanglish T-shirts for your amusement (and money). There are just a few up now, but more to come soon: http://www.realtimetshirts.com/ . . . He also has a personal blog, in case you're curious (http://www.ingonzwetrust.com/)
[The Curmudgeon does not necessarily endorse the opinions purveyed in the above online publications (unless they're funny). He is merely choosing to help his friends because he is a selfless angel from Heaven.]
Friday, January 21, 2011
So you see, accents are amplifiers. Whatever you are...it makes you more that.
(Shout out to my boy, Mimsies, who appreciates this gem as much as I do. Is it weird that it always makes me think of him?)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Animal House isn't that funny. Sorry. If you wear a Belushi "College" T-shirt, I probably hate you because you're annoying and have a bad sense of humor.
What the hell? While I'm already alienating lots of people, I'll go ahead and add that Dazed and Confused is also not very good. Again, my apologies...only not really.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I just saw a sign on my drive home that said, "Keep kids alive, drive 25." I cannot express to you how much I hate rhyming slogans...but I'll try.
Look, plaster a gruesome picture of a horribly mangled, run-over child to the speed limit sign, and I'll respect your commitment to the cause, a noble one (even if most of them will grow up to be giant, resource-sapping retards), but this base appeal has the complete opposite effect on me (just like every not-going-to-appeal-to-any-kid-ever, tax-payers'-hard-earned-money-wasting, utterly idiotic anti-drug PSA ever made). It actually makes me want to kill kids with my car, just so the powers that be know their stupid fucking rhymes aren't working. Same with "click it or ticket" and "arrive alive, don't drink and drive." Those make me want to do the opposite, even to my own detriment.
Hence, if you need a rhyme to teach you common sense, then you're dense...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Look, I accept the fact that gym locker rooms are going to have a lot of male nudity, but the old men take the overall shamelessness and grossness to a whole new level. Like, fine, be naked when you change and shower, but you don't need to roam around the whole locker room naked, carrying on casual conversations as though you're not bare-assed in room full of other men.
Old people abuse this. They shuffle their droopy beanbags over to the urinals, where they stand, barefoot!, in puddles of other people's piss, and just fart and hock up gross chunks of phlegm and spit them past their floppy wieners... It's disgusting. Naked farts are disgusting. Then, you sit on that wooden bench in between the lockers, bending over to try and tie your basketball sneakers, and these guys unflinchingly put one leg up on the bench, right next to you, and dry their balls, right in your face! This is not okay! We're in America! There are personal-space heuristics in place that they are flagrantly violating!
The entire locker room experience is unpleasant enough. The smells...chlorine, body odor, cheap spray deodorant...please don't add to this unnecessarily...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I just saw a public service billboard with a picture of an adult wearing a backpack that said, "I always look before I walk. Pedestrian safety begins with me." Listen, if you're over the age of nine, and not actually mentally retarded, but you need to be explicitly told to look before you walk . . . you should die.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I was out with a buddy recently, and we were laughing about how hitting on girls really is a numbers game. We were saying how probably about 10% of girls would fuck you, so if you talk to ten girls a night, you're setting up some pretty good odds for yourself. And my friend was like, "I know! Even if you only bat .100, that's still one out of every ten." And I was like, "Even if you bat .001, as long as you talk to 1,000 girls a night, you're batting 1.000!"
Do the math...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I hate when you go out with a girl and she asks you this: "Can you carry my phone, gum, lip gloss, wallet, and keys?" No! It's not comfortable! That's why I never bring a lot of shit anywhere! That's why you have a purse. Use it. And stop acting entitled. Why should I have to endure your "super cute," bedazzled, chihuahua key chain digging into my upper thigh for the duration of our sure-to-be only date? Men aren't here to carry your shit. Do something.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
My first thought was, "Really?"
My second thought was, "If you though that was odd, stay close by; I'll probably do better than that in the next five minutes..."
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Fucking finally! How hard was that?! People are so fucking stupid! "Republican" doesn't have to mean "greedy Evangelical asshole," and "Democrat" doesn't have to mean "pinko pussy." Don't be a jackass. Jump to the 3:45 mark: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-december-8-2010/ct-phone-home