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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Hurry!...You Degenerate

I was at the airport recently, and I saw some woman frantically, comically running. I don't know why, but I get so annoyed whenever I see people rushing. Now, this was at an airport; I realize this. There's a pretty high probability this woman's flight was delayed, and she was rushing to make her connection. Hell, maybe her child had just been snatched by some creeper in a trench coat, and she was running to get help. I don't know.

What I do know, is that I had a strong, negative, visceral reaction to her dramatic flailing, and I wanted to understand why. I think it's because I don't respect people who can't budget their time properly. I'm almost NEVER late, so to me, if you're in such a rush that you have to actually break into a run in public, then you're probably an incompetent fuck-up, and I don't want to have any personal dealings with you.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Was gonna write my usual blather, but then I heard the sad news: Greg Giraldo died of an overdose! For those of you who don't know, he was an awesome, under-appreciated comedian who I've been a big fan of for many years. Anyway, sad stuff. Here are a few clips for your enjoyment:


Here's my stance: if you can't make it across a street on your own, the world's probably better off without you. I'm going with Natural Selection on this one...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

With Friends Like These, I Tell Ya...

For years, when I didn't have a job with normal hours, I drove my friends to and from the airport whenever they needed (as long as it wasn't before 10:00am). I recently got back into LA from NY on a Tuesday night, and everyone was miraculously busy. My friends never do anything, and suddenly, it was the busiest Tuesday fucking night of the 21st century! I literally asked like twelve fucking people. Thanks a lot...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sagely Advice

I used to feel that comedy trumped all. If an opportunity presented itself to make a funny joke or comment, you had to take it, and people just needed to be okay with whatever you said because it was clearly meant as a joke and the point was to make people laugh, and diffuse whatever shit people were taking too seriously anyway. Like, if you're in a fight with a girlfriend, or something, and she's mad at you because you laughed at something you shouldn't have, and when she's yelling at you about it, you make a joke because you couldn't pass up the moment...

ANGRY GIRLFRIEND: My grandma almost choked to death on a hot dog today--

ME: That's not the first time she's choked from shoving too much down her throat...

ANGRY GIRLFRIEND: (Incredulous, enraged silence.)

But, one thing I've learned with age: just because it's funny, doesn't mean you have to do or say it. A hard lesson learned/still being learned...

Rich Man's Burden

This is a great article from Bill Maher. It supports what I've suspected all along: social consciousness has to be the responsibility of the wealthy because it's hard to blame someone who's struggling to get by for doing whatever he/she has to do to feed his/her family. That's why it drives me nuts when people get mad at the impoverished citizens of third world countries who kill endangered species or destroy rare, rain forest habitats. Hold the people who are paying money for that to happen accountable, not the ones working their asses off doing whatever they have to do to survive.

Sorry. Deal with it, rich people. You don't like it? Give up your money and people will stop expecting things of you. Something tells me you wouldn't be alright with that trade off, though, because you're happy where you are. So shhhh. As Chris Rock says, "Sometimes, the people with the most shit, get to say the least shit, and the people with the least shit, get to say the most shit. So if you wanna say more shit, get rid of some of your shit!"

Here's the Bill Maher article:

Friday, September 24, 2010

Colbert Communes with Congress

I love this fucking guy! And I love that there are douchebags out there who take themselves so seriously they refuse to laugh. Watch and revel in Stephen Colbert's genius . . . and balls:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sweeping The Nation? Really?

This is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. All of it. Worst commercial, worst product. Everything about it.

I think my favorite part is the girl on her phone, talking about how amazing the Fushigi Ball is . . . because she obviously couldn't wait, and had to tell someone about it immediately! I also love how they try to get a little street cred goin' at about the minute-and-a-half mark. This thing seems to really be directed at people who are failures at everything else they do because the commercial repeatedly stresses that anyone can do this. And, I'd venture to wager that you probably are a failure at everything if you end up buying one of these things.

Watch, and join me as I die a little inside:

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Legs & Grapes

I was staying at my buddy's apartment in NYC last month, and I was shuffling home at about 3:00AM one night. As I was walking in, a girl with long, tan, beautiful legs was entering in front of me. I was kinda pumped to get in the elevator with her . . . and then she turned around. Face? . . . Not so much. But, I'm an affable guy, and she was holding some grapes, so I decided to make a human connection, "Some late-night grapes, huh." To which she raised her upper lip and, with great effort, managed a "Yeah."

Fuck you! I was trying to be friendly! You're not even cute, as it turns out. You don't get to be a bitch!

Reggie Watts

I'm kind of obsessed with this dude lately. Super creative, super talented, and pretty funny, too. Here are his two best videos:

This second one they wouldn't let me embed, but here's the link. It's called "What About Blow-jobs." It's amazing:

Monday, September 20, 2010

(feat. _____)

Is it just me, or are rappers super codependent? They can never do anything on their own, you know. When's the last time you saw a track on a hip-hop album that wasn't featuring another artist? Think about it...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Kid Fuckers

Louis CK . . . always hilarious, but now innovative, as well:

(Thanks, Nadsies!)

I'm Doing Society A Service!

See! You should point out when women are overweight for their own good. That's science:

(Thank you, little bro...)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Band-Aids Are Racist

One of my students made an interesting point today. He said, "I have an idea for an invention; I want to invent black band-aids." So I told him that I'd already seen black band-aids before. And he goes, "No, not black band-aids, but Band-Aids for black people."

And I realized, holy shit! The band-aid industry is racist! Band-aids are skin colored . . . but only for white people! How have I never heard this discussed before?! Ridiculous.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


About a month ago, I was sitting in Union Square Park with a friend of mine, and we saw this girl in a weird, shiny jacket. She was gaunt, her face looked beat up, and she was losing her hair. It was almost-immediately clear to me that something was legitimately not okay with her, and I felt bad. But as she sat down across from us, my jackass friend goes, "What a weirdo." And I was like, "Dude." And I whispered to him that she was legit sick. So he goes, "Oh. Really? You think? . . . Still, if my hair were like that I would at least wear a hat." What a dick.

(Special thanks to . . . you know who you are, you insensitive son-of-a-bitch . . .)

Le Pain in the Ass

I have a confession to make: I recently lifted one of my boycotts. For those of you who don't know or have forgotten, when an establishment sufficiently offends me, I cease patronizing said establishment (for my OG list and reasons, click here: ).

Anyway, after three years, I finally suspended my boycott against Le Pain Quotidien because I love their iced tea and didn't feel I should suffer any longer for their incompetency. I was walking in 85-plus-degree heat, in insufferably humid New York City, and I decided I needed a chamomile mint iced tea and a ten-minute reprieve from the oppressive heat. I ordered my cool, refreshing drink at the counter, went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face, and then sat down at one of, and I'm not exaggerating here, about thirty five open tables.

I was immediately bum-rushed by two employees with menus (actually, a major step up in service from my past experiences). Here's what went down:

BOTH EMPLOYEES: Would you like a menu, sir?

CURMUDGEON: No thank you. I'm just gonna have this iced tea.

At this point, the less senior employee walked away while the manager stayed to have a little chat with me:

MANAGER: Sir, we only do table service at the tables.

CURMUDGEON: Oh, sorry. I didn't realize. I bought this iced tea already, so I figured I could just sit here and drink it.

MANAGER: Well, the tables are reserved for table service only.

CURMUDGEON: (Okay, now we have a problem.) Yes, I gathered that much from when you just said it before, the first time, but A) I didn't know that when I ordered, and B) I didn't think it would be a real issue if I sat at one of your 35 unoccupied tables to drink the iced tea that I did, as it turns out, purchase at your restaurant.

MANAGER: (A beat.) I just mean for future reference.

CURMUDGEON: Thank you; I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

Le Pain Quotidien, welcome back to the boycott list. Make yourself at home.

Monday, September 13, 2010

This Puts the BEST in Bestiality

Ummm...I know I've been posting a lot of videos lately, and as a result I was going to try to avoid that for the next few posts, but this one came across my desk today, and it had to be shared immediately. I am not a dog person. I am not a fan of dancing. And I am certainly not a fan of overzealous dog owners who train their pets to do cutesy, dancing tricks...but holy fucking shit:

Out-of-Context Quote

This is a quote from a cute waitress I had a few months ago. I wrote it down so I could put it up on the blog, but I've completely forgotten the context now and that makes it even funnier: "I wish you had been sleeping with me in my bed when I was five." Amazing.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Booty Pop!

Caught this amazing infomercial on my recent flight to New York. Infomercials are my favorite. And my favorite parts about this infomercial are the comic-book, action-scene font used for all the exclamations, and the super awkward dancing in the mirror. Is it weird that by the end of it I had a boner?

If Only This Guy Would Show A Little Enthusiasm

Pretty much one of the best speeches I've ever seen. Gotta love how he emphasizes the wrong words when he yells, which I'm quite certain is directly attributable to the fact that he's pacing despite not having his speech even close to memorized. Enjoy:

(Thanks, Amir!)

Friday, September 10, 2010

But FEELINGS Can't Be Wrong!

I'm very amused by couples fighting. The arguments are almost always so hilariously petty...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The SkinNY

Pretty hilarious parody:

(Very special thanks to Nads for this find!)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


*Guess what? If you can't get your carry-on bag into the overhead compartment on your own, then you can't carry it on. Sorry. I'm not your fucking butler just because I have a penis and you didn't want to wait for your bag after the flight. Start working out, or become more appealing to men. Either way, don't talk to me.

*If you are physically attractive, this does not apply to you.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Want One!

I love this kid already. My favorite part: tie between "it's that rappin' steam" and "stay in school."

(Thank you, Jessica!)

AIDS Needs A New Agent

I saw an ad for a charity AIDS walk, and the picture in the ad was of a smiling 80-plus-year-old woman. I take issue with this in several ways:

A. If she has AIDS and has managed to live longer than the national average, then I'm not gonna be real motivated to participate in this walk; these "AIDS people" seem to be doing just fine without me.

B. If she has only recently contracted AIDS, then I'm just offended, because the last thing I want to think about is a sexually active granny! (Sure, maybe she got it from a transfusion, but by then it's too late! The thought of granny sex has already been implanted in your brain by the time you conceive of the transfusion alternative.)

C. If she doesn't have AIDS, and I'm just talkin' from a marketing perspective here, should you really be promoting a charity walk with a picture of someone who can, herself, barely walk?

C'mon, AIDS. You can do better than this.

Monday, September 6, 2010


So my friend attends AA meetings, and he and I were laughing about how all the girls at his meetings are his type. Short punky hair, tattoos, skinny jeans...whatever. This is so unfair! The equivalent would be if they had, like, Skinny Waists Big Butts Anonymous and I were allowed to attend those meetings... But it doesn't exist. I checked.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

My Boy, Hawking

Stephen Hawking has a new book coming out, The Grand Design, a follow-up to A Brief History of Time, in which he finally comes around on the God topic. I've already pre-ordered it. Anyway, here's an article from the other day about him, and his new book, and God:

Friday, September 3, 2010

Patience Is A Virtue...As Is Shutting Your Pie-Hole!

If someone you're close with breaks up with someone you didn't like, here's a little tip: wait a while before un-damming a river of vitriolic criticism about how terrible that person was. Do you and your buddy/sibling/whoever both a favor and wait! Because when they get back together with the asshole, it's gonna be super awkward, I assure you.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I Hear Barry Bonds Knows A Guy Who Knows A Guy

Seriously, does anyone watch the WNBA? Enough already. Experiment failed. Next idea.

Suggestion: legalize steroids and HGH in women's sports. Then maybe things could get interesting. If I saw a 'roid-raging chick with meaty lats, a hairy back, and shriveled raisin-testicles shatter the glass backboard while dunking in someone's face, I'd watch.

Side note: God is totally going to punish me with a daughter who plays like twelve different sports...

The Big Crapple...Still

My friend sent me this article today. Granted it's a joke, and granted I already wrote it over a year ago...twice ( , )... but it still bears repeating. Why? Why do so many people love New York so much?

Here's the article:,18003/

(Special thanks to Renfy...)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The South Will Never Rise Again . . . (Pretty Please, Non-Existent God)

A few months back I caught a short documentary on HBO called, Right America: Feeling Wronged. The filmmaker (in the interest of full disclosure, Nancy Pelosi's daughter, Alexandra) traveled to Republican rallies in middle America, where she felt the true base of the Republican party was not being sufficiently represented, even on Fox News, where, she contended, the higher-ups choose "city" Republicans and practiced on-air personalities rather than real members of its constituency.

Her feeling was that people in the middle of the country often traveled to traditionally liberal cities like New York and LA for vacation, but that most people from these cities never got to see the average Americans in those places less-traveled. And she wanted to capture that.

In the end, and this is my take, I think she ends up showing that the reason Fox News and the Republican party neglect to give their actual base more air time is because such a large number of their voting constituents are a complete embarrassment, with their blatant xenophobia, racism, and blind repetition of talking points, that to publicly display them would actually be a serious liability to their retention of a significant number of rational conservative voters.

My conclusion is simple: the South is fucking terrifying. Here are a few highlights I jotted down... At several junctures, Pelosi asks how people feel about the possibility of Obama being elected President, to which people very openly and proudly state that they aren't ready for a black President! One guy says he isn't ready because he was brought up "old school." What the fuck?! That is seriously old school. That's pre-Emancipation Proclamation old, dude! When did "old school" = racist? I thought it meant, like, you still prefer to write things by hand, you don't use a calculator, and you think I Love Lucy is funny...

Another guy says, "I'm not too partial to blacks," and justifies this by saying he's from the South. He then tells Pelosi that if it were up to him, she still wouldn't be allowed to vote. Another jackass unflinchingly pontificates, "I ain't votin' for no nigger!" Yet another intrepidly moronic individual declares that America is "chicken shit" for not allowing the Confederate flag just because it offends black people. Totally. Black people are such whiny pussies about that whole slavery thing, huh? I mean, get over it already, people (sarcasm). This same guy then breaks down crying about how immigrants get all the rights and "we get nothing." Wow.

I think my favorite segment shows a series of people who are absolutely certain that Obama is a Muslim who is secretly in cahoots with bin Laden. A couple of them make the same retarded joke (only, scarily, they're not joking) about how Obama's going to swear in on the Qur'an if he's elected. One guy even incredulously proclaims that when he gets sworn in, Obama is going to say his name is Barack Hussein Obama... That IS his name!!! Jesus!

I mean, I'm kinda torn here. While I want to highly recommend this film, I'm scared that if another country got a hold of this video we'd be doomed once they saw how utterly stupid we are. I'm thinking we should have another Civil War, but without the blood. Those who rely on rational thought and critical reasoning can get the coasts, and everyone else can have the middle. Govern accordingly.

Anyway, I couldn't decide between a million clips, so I just decided to provide the first 10 minutes of the movie, and you can pursue this further if you're so inclined:

You Don't Know Me!

How dare she try to reduce me to a short list of six generalizations?! . . . I deserve at least eight! Here's an article about how to love a curmudgeon . . . as if it's possible not to:

(Thank you, Jessica!)