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Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Big Crapple

I know a lot of people (if a lot of people actually read this) are going to disagree with me on this, but I think New York City is severely overrated. Yeah, I said it! Don't believe me? Here's a list . . . Sorry. I just had a Sting-ian internal orgasm knowing that I'm about to create one of my beloved lists about why New York kind of sucks. Anyway, here's a list of reasons that will hopefully help you see the proverbial light:

--It's crowded. I'm not talking a little busy. I'm saying it's really really stuffed. You can't take a leisurely amble around town without making physical contact with hordes of finance douches, kafia-donning facial-haired hipsters, and bacteria-laden vagrants. The population is over 8 million now, and after doing very little research online, I found that in Manhattan itself, there are almost 67,000 people per square mile! Do you realize how insane and unnecessary that is?! The City's full. Move somewhere else. Branch out.

--Tiny apartments. Due to such absurd crowding, you get shit for your money in terms of real estate. If you want to live alone, you will probably pay well over $1,000 per month for even just a box of a studio. And I do mean a box. Like, if you try to open your refrigerator door all the way, it will touch your toilet...which just so happens to double as your sink. If you want to live with annoying roommates who don't clean up after themselves, piss on the toilet seat, and make too much noise that can be heard through the paper-thin walls that were only installed to create a three-bedroom apartment from what used to be a one-bedroom, then you will still probably pay over $1,000 per month. Have fun with that.

--Concrete jungle. Enjoy the lush flora and exotic fauna of scenic--oh, wait, there isn't any. It's all steel and concrete. I forgot.

--No beaches. The Jersey Shore and Long Island don't count because you have to drive really far to get to them (in a car you won't have because you live in New York City), and because they are the Jersey Shore and Long Island.

--The weather. This cannot be overstated. The weather in New York City sucks. Winters suck. They're cold. And rainy. And dark. Sure, the occasional snow is beautiful when it's falling, but see how you feel about it the next morning when it's black and melting into shin-deep puddles at the corner of every block. Summers suck...unless you enjoy the constant stench of warm urine and garbage, or getting dripped on by random air conditioners, or having your balls perpetually stuck to your inner thigh. The days it doesn't rain in the Fall and Spring, however, are amazing. So, by my calculations, if you live in New York, you get about three months' worth of beautiful weather. On those days, New York is kind of unbeatable...but those sound like pretty crappy odds to me.

--The people. Sadly, one of the worst parts about New York occurs when you leave it. Because any time you run into someone from New York outside of New York, they won't shut the fuck about it. "Oh, in New York we have so much art and culture." "Oh, in New York people are so much more real." "Oh, in New York the public transportation is so amazing. I get to nauseatingly rock back-and-forth in a rickety subway car while some depraved frotteur rubs his boner against my rib cage."

So in conclusion, just because the founders of this country landed in the North East first, doesn't mean that we have to stay there. It just means that their starting point was east of there. Back then, it may have been a more difficult and treacherous journey to head west on land, but fortunately, we've invented a few things since then to ameliorate that situation. Don't get me wrong, New York City is incredible in a lot of different ways, and I highly recommend visiting regularly, but it's severely overrated. It's full. There's no more room. Let's move on and create a New New York, but in a better climate. No?


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Why are you so defensive about LA? Sounds like your post about the "Mac People" below. Why not project the cool confidence of not having to convince people, and that you happen to prefer LA , while others prefer the back-breaking cold spells NYC?

    Oh, and reading text on black background is tough on the eyes. I see your words for a minute after I've turned away from the screen....unless that was your intention all along...acha....



  3. You do realize your first three comments actually go against your argument. NYC is crowded because it's a great friggin city. Is Idaho crowded? Nope. Apartments cost a lot because you are paying to live in a great friggin city. NYC is a concrete jungle because there are a lot of people getting REAL friggin sh*t done. LA is NOT a concrete jungle because it's full of people NOT getting shit done. You don't need office buildings to work on the 'script' your supposedly working on now do you? Or your monologue you're working on?

    Our founders arrived in the east, yes...but our founders also had small pox, slaves, the clap, and married their cousins...clearly, we have progressed and evolved (no offense to anyone with for mentioned diseased or in-breds). And yet, many people still consider NYC an amazing city and want to live there, thus proving the point that they are there because they WANT to, not because of our founders.

    And lastly I think someone did try to make a new New's called New Jersey.

  4. there are mice EVERYWHERE!!!!! and apparently there is a bed bug epidemic.... thats enough to keep me on the west coast!

  5. $1,000 for a studio?!? Yeah, maybe in the 80's. I'm pretty sure Diesel's studio was $1375 when she left 4 odd years ago. And her toilet tripled as her sink, bathtub and guest bed.

  6. and I would venture a guess that for many of those people, "art and culture" actually means "bars that are open past 2"

  7. I don't know...the New Yorkers are sounding prettttyyyyy defensive to me. I never even mentioned LA.

  8. But the New Yorkers know you live in LA.

  9. "You can't handle the truth"