The Big Crapple

I know a lot of people (if a lot of people actually read this) are going to disagree with me on this, but I think New York City is severely overrated. Yeah, I said it! Don't believe me? Here's a list . . . Sorry. I just had a Sting-ian internal orgasm knowing that I'm about to create one of my beloved lists about why New York kind of sucks. Anyway, here's a list of reasons that will hopefully help you see the proverbial light:

--It's crowded. I'm not talking a little busy. I'm saying it's really really stuffed. You can't take a leisurely amble around town without making physical contact with hordes of finance douches, kafia-donning facial-haired hipsters, and bacteria-laden vagrants. The population is over 8 million now, and after doing very little research online, I found that in Manhattan itself, there are almost 67,000 people per square mile! Do you realize how insane and unnecessary that is?! The City's full. Move somewhere else. Branch out.

--Tiny apartments. Due to such absurd crowding, you get shit for your money in terms of real estate. If you want to live alone, you will probably pay well over $1,000 per month for even just a box of a studio. And I do mean a box. Like, if you try to open your refrigerator door all the way, it will touch your toilet...which just so happens to double as your sink. If you want to live with annoying roommates who don't clean up after themselves, piss on the toilet seat, and make too much noise that can be heard through the paper-thin walls that were only installed to create a three-bedroom apartment from what used to be a one-bedroom, then you will still probably pay over $1,000 per month. Have fun with that.

--Concrete jungle. Enjoy the lush flora and exotic fauna of scenic--oh, wait, there isn't any. It's all steel and concrete. I forgot.

--No beaches. The Jersey Shore and Long Island don't count because you have to drive really far to get to them (in a car you won't have because you live in New York City), and because they are the Jersey Shore and Long Island.

--The weather. This cannot be overstated. The weather in New York City sucks. Winters suck. They're cold. And rainy. And dark. Sure, the occasional snow is beautiful when it's falling, but see how you feel about it the next morning when it's black and melting into shin-deep puddles at the corner of every block. Summers suck...unless you enjoy the constant stench of warm urine and garbage, or getting dripped on by random air conditioners, or having your balls perpetually stuck to your inner thigh. The days it doesn't rain in the Fall and Spring, however, are amazing. So, by my calculations, if you live in New York, you get about three months' worth of beautiful weather. On those days, New York is kind of unbeatable...but those sound like pretty crappy odds to me.

--The people. Sadly, one of the worst parts about New York occurs when you leave it. Because any time you run into someone from New York outside of New York, they won't shut the fuck about it. "Oh, in New York we have so much art and culture." "Oh, in New York people are so much more real." "Oh, in New York the public transportation is so amazing. I get to nauseatingly rock back-and-forth in a rickety subway car while some depraved frotteur rubs his boner against my rib cage."

So in conclusion, just because the founders of this country landed in the North East first, doesn't mean that we have to stay there. It just means that their starting point was east of there. Back then, it may have been a more difficult and treacherous journey to head west on land, but fortunately, we've invented a few things since then to ameliorate that situation. Don't get me wrong, New York City is incredible in a lot of different ways, and I highly recommend visiting regularly, but it's severely overrated. It's full. There's no more room. Let's move on and create a New New York, but in a better climate. No?