Being Born

I hate being born. Not the actual process, because I don't really remember that, though I'm sure it was traumatic and generally hate-worthy as well. I mean being born as in, like, existing. Think about it. We have no choice in the matter. It's totally unfair. Our parents decide they want to have kids, our moms pop us out, and we have absolutely no say. And there we are, against our will, having all these annoying responsibilities thrust upon us. "Clean up your toys before dinner." "You can't go outside 'til you're done with your homework." "Get good grades so you can get a job and work in a cubicle for the rest of your life." Fuck you! I didn't ask for this! You clean my shit! And if you're reading this on a computer, with Internet service, you're one of the lucky ones! Think about all the kids who don't ask to be born who are born into infinitely shittier situations than us. Think about how pissed they must be. Or would be, if they actually had time to think and weren't so damn busy struggling to survive in a world they never asked to enter.

That's why I get so annoyed when I hear people say things like, it's so selfish not to have kids because you're only living for yourself. No. The opposite is true. Maybe some religious freaks say and actually mean, "I need to have children to fulfill The Lord's wishes and bring another life into this blessed world," but normal, rational, non-delusional people's thinking probably goes something a little more like, "I want a kid so I can rectify all the mistakes I made, through him." Subconsciously speaking. And that's assuming that there was any thought given to it in the first place.

Seriously, you need licenses and permits for everything. Fishing, construction, filming, marriage. But any jackass can have a kid. And there are A LOT of jackasses out there. And these ignoramuses choose to breed and burden everyone with their idiot children, who then grow up to be idiot adults, who don't signal when switching lanes and pay with checks at the supermarket, who then spawn more ravenous, moronic consumers who further burden our planet's diminishing resources, ad infinitum.

Having kids is selfish. If you want to have kids, fine by me . . . well, not really. But can we at least agree to drop this whole charade where we pretend like producing offspring is some amazing accomplishment/selfless act? Even brainless, amorphous amoebae can reproduce. So if you do have kids, remember, they didn't ask to be born; give them a goddamn break.