Monday, May 31, 2010
(Special thanks to Egg!)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
No shit. No one's putting up pictures of themselves wallowing in self-pity, eating ice cream alone on the couch, ruing the failures of their lives as they braid their nooses. I mean, I've seen a lot of Facebook pages in my time, and I've yet to see one where someone looks miserable and depressed. . . . Well, except maybe my little brother, who posts status updates like, "The world is a diarrhea-splattered toilet bowl whose only reprieve is a violent flush into the fecal-infested bowels of a malodorous hell . . ."
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Anyway, he visited recently and told me he's had a serious girlfriend for almost a year, who he thinks might be the one, and he hasn't cheated on yet! Then, in the next sentence, he said we should go out and look for girls while he's in town. So I said, "I thought you just said you may have found The One." And he goes, "Yeah, but I'm in another country. If a fly lands in my soup, I'm gonna eat it."
What?! That's a terrible analogy! If a fly lands in your soup, you send the soup back, or, if you're extra gross, you take it out, and then eat the rest of the soup. So for the next 10 minutes we laughed about his retarded, foreigner analogy, and just kept making intentionally worse ones. "If a shit lands in the toilet, I'm gonna pick it up with my hands." "If there's a dick in my ass, I'm going to suck it." "If a tampon steeps in my tea, I'm going to drink it." . . . You get the idea . . .
Friday, May 21, 2010
She told me she totally would've given him one, too, if he hadn't been so obnoxiously persistent and desperate about it. Then she paused and said, "It's too bad, because he's really hot. I wanted to hook up with him." So I told her she shouldn't suffer just to prove a point. Actually, my exact words were, "Don't cut off your nose to spite his balls." I'm pretty sure that's how the idiom goes, no?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
|The Colbert Report||Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
For a more comprehensive rant about this crapfest, see my original post from pretty much exactly a year ago: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/05/sluts-and-city.html
Sunday, May 16, 2010
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c|
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
So, in the end, we kind of concluded that she was right; there is, in fact, a distinction, and it exists because the 18-year-old boy would not experience regret. He'd proudly talk about it with his friends for the rest of his life, whereas in the reverse scenario, the girl would probably only talk about it with her therapist, over a box of tissues, citing the incident as the first in a string of sexual encounters with much-older men she turned to fill the void left by her absentee father.
Anyway, point is, when a high-school boy sleeps with his hot teacher . . . it's not a crime. The other way around? Seriously frowned upon and usually accompanied by jail time and sexual-offender-status registration. This clip sums it up perfectly:
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
And she goes, "Yeah, that's why they all have AIDS." . . . Wow.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Also, any time grooming salons or nail places have a sign in the window that reads, "Facials," . . . I laugh.
Any time someone's name is Richard, I have to call him Dick. (If he's big and strong and unfriendly, I may only do this in my head.)
Whenever anyone tests a microphone and says, "testing," I have to say, "testes."
Other words that elicit involuntary laughter every time I hear them include "box," "69," and "knob." I'm sure there are more, but you get the gist...
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thanks to everyone who reads, and comments, and passes this along to other people. Other than your compliments it's entirely thankless, so thank you again...
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My friend, who's a private flight attendant (i.e. - high-priced escort), said that on her last trip, she saw a plane with a human fetus painted on it. So I said, "That's my plane! The Abortion Express! Free coat hangers for every passenger . . . for your dry cleaning . . ." To which she responded by saying I was "TERRIBLE!!!!" (Yes, it was in all caps, and yes, I think it was followed by four exclamation marks.)
Well, maybe I am terrible, but c'mon, that's actually not a bad idea. Think about it. They have casino boats because it's illegal to gamble on land, so why not abortion flights for where it's illegal to have abortions?! See, I'm actually thinking up new ways to protect women's right to choose. You're welcome.
(Special thanks to Eleni!)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
If you ask me, this is a pretty obnoxious commercial. "Some day you'll be working for me?" Fuck you, you fucking nerd! I'm all for encouraging an interest in math and science, I love science, but if these little pocket-protector-donning pencil pushers are gonna get all uppity about it, then I hope the kids in their classes are beating some humility into them the old-fashioned way...
There exists a girl, with whom there exists an arrangement, that goes something along the lines of, if she and I are both single and childless by the time we're 40, we will combine our reproductive resources and breed . . . until the other night when I said something rude and/or offensive and she said the above quote.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
About a minute later, an old man, in his 70's, pulls up alongside me and rolls down his window. I figure he wants to ask for directions, so I roll down my window to help. Turns out he's just angry about being old, or something, because he goes, "You almost killed a man on a bike back there!" So I try to explain, because, hey, I, too, am going to be angry and have gray pubes one day. I say, "No, I saw him. He didn't cross until well after I was through the intersection." He shakes his head furiously, but the light changes, and we drive off.
At the next light, he honks and rolls down his window again. Now he's on the phone, too. This dude's still not over it, and he's all riled up and says, "You could have killed him! It's very stupid!" Light changes, we drive off.
Next light, I honk and roll down my window; he rolls down his. He's still on his phone, and I say, "You know, for someone who's so concerned with road safety you're on your phone an awful lot." He gives me this incredulous look and I go, "See, now we're both assholes who don't mind our own fucking business." And I rolled up my window and drove off...
Who the hell waves at you at the gas station? When's the last time the proprietor came out and waved to you as you stood there filling your own gas tank at the self-service pump, let alone was even there?! He's not your friend because "he's got his hand in your wallet?" I didn't realize he wasn't supposed to turn a profit when he bought a gas station so that he could feed his family. Jeez, you have high standards for friends. Oh, wait. Aren't you trying to stick your hand in my wallet with this commercial by trying to get me to buy your car, upon which, something tells me, you intend to turn a profit?
Also, stop writing every other word on the screen. It's annoying. I'm not deaf. I heard it when you said it. If I wanted captions I'd turn on the hearing-impaired feature. Asshole.
And who gives a shit about torque?! Enough with the torque already!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
By now, almost everyone's seen this Phillies fan who got tased for running onto the field during a baseball game the other night, yes? (Video at the bottom for those who haven't.)
Well, now everyone's questioning whether the cop who did it used excessive force. You know, for all the asshole cops, and security guards, and people in positions of power who have viciously abused that power, is this really the incident we want to be questioning? Ever heard of the expression, "Pick your battles?" Merely questioning this incident weakens the legitimate claims against authority of countless others. The kid came out of the stands and ran onto the field during a game, lest we forget the Monica Seles and Royals first base coach incidents... Here's a way to pretty much guarantee you won't get tased while attending a professional sporting event: stay in the fucking stands!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I was going to keep this idea to myself, because I feel like whoever is given the contract to implement the necessary technology stands to make a lot of money, but then I decided that if one extra person died because I delayed the process, as unlikely as that is, that would make me an asshole. So, whoever steals this brilliant idea (though I feel like this HAS TO exist by now), please send me a cut, or something. Thanks.
Pass it on...
If this is what God is occupying himself with, then he's dumber than I thought. Seriously, shut the fuck up and step down.
Girls don't fart or shit. Period. This is non-negotiable.
But my buddies made a good point about this double standard: since guys are the ones always trying to get laid, and women are more often the ones withholding, wouldn't you think it would be the other way around? Wouldn't women be able to fart openly while guys had to pretend they don't? But, thank god that's not the case, eh. I don't know how we tricked you again, but we did...
(Special thanks to Rosencock and Curry Puff...)
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Ugh, right? So predictable! I know exactly why you did it. You needed to scream, "I need attention!," without actually saying those words. Go write a fucking blog or something...