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Monday, May 31, 2010

Inconsiderate Pricks

Being fashionably late is about as fashionable as a fanny pack. I know in certain circles fanny packs are, in fact, fashionable again...and these circles are comprised of the exact type of people who think it's cool to not be on time, i.e. - inconsiderate pricks.

(Special thanks to Egg!)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ye Olde Whorehouse

This is an old brothel menu, supposedly from 1912. They were pretty darn specific back then...some good deals...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


A highly esteemed dentist sent me the following article detailing unnecessary research of the obvious. Way to spend grant money that could go to something useful. Fat girls put out more? No shit; they have to:

Monday, May 24, 2010

You Look Happy

I love when I see people on Facebook contact someone they haven't been in touch with in a while and say things like, "You look really happy!", or, "Looks like you're having fun!"

No shit. No one's putting up pictures of themselves wallowing in self-pity, eating ice cream alone on the couch, ruing the failures of their lives as they braid their nooses. I mean, I've seen a lot of Facebook pages in my time, and I've yet to see one where someone looks miserable and depressed. . . . Well, except maybe my little brother, who posts status updates like, "The world is a diarrhea-splattered toilet bowl whose only reprieve is a violent flush into the fecal-infested bowels of a malodorous hell . . ."

"Udderly" Hilarious...

This is great:

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Terrible Analogy

I have a friend. He is a foreigner. As such, he has always cheated on his girlfriends, because, in other countries, this behavior seems to be a more widely accepted practice, for men to sleep with other women despite being in committed relationships.

Anyway, he visited recently and told me he's had a serious girlfriend for almost a year, who he thinks might be the one, and he hasn't cheated on yet! Then, in the next sentence, he said we should go out and look for girls while he's in town. So I said, "I thought you just said you may have found The One." And he goes, "Yeah, but I'm in another country. If a fly lands in my soup, I'm gonna eat it."

What?! That's a terrible analogy! If a fly lands in your soup, you send the soup back, or, if you're extra gross, you take it out, and then eat the rest of the soup. So for the next 10 minutes we laughed about his retarded, foreigner analogy, and just kept making intentionally worse ones. "If a shit lands in the toilet, I'm gonna pick it up with my hands." "If there's a dick in my ass, I'm going to suck it." "If a tampon steeps in my tea, I'm going to drink it." . . . You get the idea . . .

Weird Science!

Incredible! Scientists create first synthetic cell:

Friday, May 21, 2010

As The Saying Goes...

A friend of mine made some offhand comment about how she actually enjoys giving blow jobs in front of some guy she found attractive. But instead of playing it cool, this jackass pounced on it, and he's been harassing her for a blow-J ever since!

She told me she totally would've given him one, too, if he hadn't been so obnoxiously persistent and desperate about it. Then she paused and said, "It's too bad, because he's really hot. I wanted to hook up with him." So I told her she shouldn't suffer just to prove a point. Actually, my exact words were, "Don't cut off your nose to spite his balls." I'm pretty sure that's how the idiom goes, no?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Happy Everybody Draw Muhammed Day!

"What have you ever fought for?" "Oh, nothing much; I just risked my life for free speech."
Oh, boy. Here goes. I may or may not have drawn this. People better not pussy out on this "holiday." I feel strongly about this issue, but not strongly enough to DIE for it! Actually, I take that back. I would die for it. But only on the condition that it would be guaranteed to be painless. Like a surprise bullet to the back of the head, or an unexpected explosion right next to me. I just don't wanna know it's coming, and I don't want it to hurt. Is that too much to ask of your murderer? Anyway, enjoy...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Whenever I have to slow down and pull my car to the side of the road so an ambulance or fire truck can pass, I don't think, "Man, let me get out of the way so the authorities can more quickly tend to whatever emergency demands their attention; I hope no one's hurt." I get annoyed and think, "Some fucking idiot screwed something up, and now we all have to be inconvenienced for this jackass's ineptitude."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How'd You Sleep?

I hate when you share a bed or a room with someone who wakes up before you (a fate which befalls me all-too-frequently due to my predilection for slumber), and as soon as you open your eyes for a split second, even if you're just rolling onto your side, ask, "How'd you sleep?" Motherfucker, I'm still sleeping! Shhh! It's like when you're at a restaurant and someone asks you how your food is before you even finish chewing your first bite. Give me a second!!!


Told you so! Colbert agrees with me! Jump to the 2:27 mark (unless you wanna watch the whole thing, which is fine with me, too):

Movies That Are Destroying America - Summer Movie Edition
The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorFox News

Speaking of Old, Wrinkly Hags...

I was talking to my friend recently about the depressing notion that you'll probably get tired of banging whoever you marry, especially when she gets old, and sun-spotted, and wrinkly. I mean, as a guy, if you marry someone your own age, when you and your wife are both 55 or so, and you can still get chicks in their 30's . . . I'm just saying, it's a sad thought. And I'm not saying that just because you can you should or will even want to, for that matter. But, the point is, this wonderful quote came out of the conversation: "I hope my sex drive dies before my wife gets really old and wrinkly..."

Sluts and the City 2

I am not embarrassed to say that I'm really fucking annoyed by this whole Sex and the City resurgence with the impending release of the sequel. Grating women running around ordering cosmos, wearing absolutely ridiculous clothing that no straight man would ever find attractive on a woman, finding ways to rationalize and justify their sluttiness, and making unfunny jokes about shoes. Oh, women like shoes. Ha. Ha. Ha. That's not stale or cliche at all. It's totally hilarious. Really. . . . Die.

For a more comprehensive rant about this crapfest, see my original post from pretty much exactly a year ago:

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourette's

Lewis Black very eloquently expresses why Glenn Beck is full of shit:

Back in Black - Glenn Beck's Nazi Tourette's
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

This Thursday, 5/20

Don't forget: this Thursday, May 20th, is Everybody Draw Muhammed Day. I expect everyone to participate, even if you can't draw well. I will. It's the perfect way for us lazy people to actively fight to protect free speech and not be gaping vaginas who cower in fear when vaguely threatened by a small faction of fundamentalist assholes:

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Double Standard?

I was talking to a girl, a fellow 31-year-old, and she was saying she would totally hook up with a hot 18-year-old boy, but that I would be wrong to hook up with an 18-year-old girl! When I incredulously objected, she explained that it's because I'd be taking advantage of her (Duh!). So I said, "So would you! You'd be taking advantage of him!" And she replied, "Yeah, but he'd enjoy it."

So, in the end, we kind of concluded that she was right; there is, in fact, a distinction, and it exists because the 18-year-old boy would not experience regret. He'd proudly talk about it with his friends for the rest of his life, whereas in the reverse scenario, the girl would probably only talk about it with her therapist, over a box of tissues, citing the incident as the first in a string of sexual encounters with much-older men she turned to fill the void left by her absentee father.

Anyway, point is, when a high-school boy sleeps with his hot teacher . . . it's not a crime. The other way around? Seriously frowned upon and usually accompanied by jail time and sexual-offender-status registration. This clip sums it up perfectly:

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

In SOME Ways...

I was out with someone recently, and I was saying how, in some ways, it would be awesome to be gay. Not in the ways where you struggle with your identity as a teenager in a world where homosexuality is generally discussed derisively, or hate yourself because your church tells you you're going to hell . . . but in the way that I live in West Hollywood, and any time I wanted to I could probably just go up the street and get a blow-J from a dude with a really good body.

And she goes, "Yeah, that's why they all have AIDS." . . . Wow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Kids Do The Darndest Things

I usually hate watching kids do stuff, especially the kids of people I don't care about, but these two did it for me:

Speaking of Me Being A One-Year-Old...

This is how I know I'm immature: every time anyone says the word "balls," I laugh. Every time. A doctor could tell me I have 24 hours to live because viciously aggressive, tiny balls of cancer are ravaging all my vital organs, and I'd fucking laugh. I swear. I can't help it.

Also, any time grooming salons or nail places have a sign in the window that reads, "Facials," . . . I laugh.

Any time someone's name is Richard, I have to call him Dick. (If he's big and strong and unfriendly, I may only do this in my head.)

Whenever anyone tests a microphone and says, "testing," I have to say, "testes."

Other words that elicit involuntary laughter every time I hear them include "box," "69," and "knob." I'm sure there are more, but you get the gist...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mazel Tov!

To me! It's The Curmudgeon's one-year birthday! This blog started last year, May 10th, and I've somehow managed to have something to complain about pretty much every day since. Impressive.

Thanks to everyone who reads, and comments, and passes this along to other people. Other than your compliments it's entirely thankless, so thank you again...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Phone Sex Grandma

This is pretty much the funniest thing I've seen in the last year or so. You might have to register with YouTube to see it because of the "adult content," but well worth it:

Abortion Express

My friend, who's a private flight attendant (i.e. - high-priced escort), said that on her last trip, she saw a plane with a human fetus painted on it. So I said, "That's my plane! The Abortion Express! Free coat hangers for every passenger . . . for your dry cleaning . . ." To which she responded by saying I was "TERRIBLE!!!!" (Yes, it was in all caps, and yes, I think it was followed by four exclamation marks.)

Well, maybe I am terrible, but c'mon, that's actually not a bad idea. Think about it. They have casino boats because it's illegal to gamble on land, so why not abortion flights for where it's illegal to have abortions?! See, I'm actually thinking up new ways to protect women's right to choose. You're welcome.

(Special thanks to Eleni!)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sluts Vs. Studs

I was going to tell you all about this hilarious Australian comedian, Jim Jefferies, and describe his whole bit about sluts vs. studs, and then I realized, I won't be as funny as him, plus, we have the Internets. So, enjoy. And you should really check out his hour-long HBO special if you get a chance:

Friday, May 7, 2010


Watch this:

If you ask me, this is a pretty obnoxious commercial. "Some day you'll be working for me?" Fuck you, you fucking nerd! I'm all for encouraging an interest in math and science, I love science, but if these little pocket-protector-donning pencil pushers are gonna get all uppity about it, then I hope the kids in their classes are beating some humility into them the old-fashioned way...

Quote of the Month - May '10

"I don't want your sperm anymore!"

There exists a girl, with whom there exists an arrangement, that goes something along the lines of, if she and I are both single and childless by the time we're 40, we will combine our reproductive resources and breed . . . until the other night when I said something rude and/or offensive and she said the above quote.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I find it disconcerting that cheating on your spouse is called "adultery." Adult-ery? Makes me feel like it's an inevitability of adulthood and that's depressing. So I propose a name change: childery. We'll call it childery, since cheating more accurately reflects the actions of an impetuous child than those of an "adult" . . . whatever the hell that is . . .

The Real Curmudgeon

I drove through an intersection yesterday, legally, and about one-to-two full seconds after, I saw, in my rear-view mirror, that a man on a bike then crossed that intersection.

About a minute later, an old man, in his 70's, pulls up alongside me and rolls down his window. I figure he wants to ask for directions, so I roll down my window to help. Turns out he's just angry about being old, or something, because he goes, "You almost killed a man on a bike back there!" So I try to explain, because, hey, I, too, am going to be angry and have gray pubes one day. I say, "No, I saw him. He didn't cross until well after I was through the intersection." He shakes his head furiously, but the light changes, and we drive off.

At the next light, he honks and rolls down his window again. Now he's on the phone, too. This dude's still not over it, and he's all riled up and says, "You could have killed him! It's very stupid!" Light changes, we drive off.

Next light, I honk and roll down my window; he rolls down his. He's still on his phone, and I say, "You know, for someone who's so concerned with road safety you're on your phone an awful lot." He gives me this incredulous look and I go, "See, now we're both assholes who don't mind our own fucking business." And I rolled up my window and drove off...

Built Ford Dumb

Watch this Ford commercial real fast:

Who the hell waves at you at the gas station? When's the last time the proprietor came out and waved to you as you stood there filling your own gas tank at the self-service pump, let alone was even there?! He's not your friend because "he's got his hand in your wallet?" I didn't realize he wasn't supposed to turn a profit when he bought a gas station so that he could feed his family. Jeez, you have high standards for friends. Oh, wait. Aren't you trying to stick your hand in my wallet with this commercial by trying to get me to buy your car, upon which, something tells me, you intend to turn a profit?

Also, stop writing every other word on the screen. It's annoying. I'm not deaf. I heard it when you said it. If I wanted captions I'd turn on the hearing-impaired feature. Asshole.

And who gives a shit about torque?! Enough with the torque already!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Alright, Let's Just Stay Calm Here!!!

By now, almost everyone's seen this Phillies fan who got tased for running onto the field during a baseball game the other night, yes? (Video at the bottom for those who haven't.)

Well, now everyone's questioning whether the cop who did it used excessive force. You know, for all the asshole cops, and security guards, and people in positions of power who have viciously abused that power, is this really the incident we want to be questioning? Ever heard of the expression, "Pick your battles?" Merely questioning this incident weakens the legitimate claims against authority of countless others. The kid came out of the stands and ran onto the field during a game, lest we forget the Monica Seles and Royals first base coach incidents... Here's a way to pretty much guarantee you won't get tased while attending a professional sporting event: stay in the fucking stands!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Old Testament Had A Point

It's funny, when I was growing up in Jew school, I remember complaining to the teacher in class (shocker) about how unfair it seemed that God punished a man's children, and children's children, and children's children's children, for that first man's sins, when the transgressor's progeny couldn't possibly have done anything to change things! . . . But it seems God was an epigeneticist. Read this fascinating article about how we have way more control than we probably we want over the health of our offspring, and their offspring, and so on...,8599,1951968,00.html

In The Future, Texting Will Save Lives

Do we have the ability to text 9-1-1 yet? If we do, I haven't heard of it, and this is surprising to me. I feel like there have to be plenty of scenarios in which talking out loud on the phone is not really the safest option, and therefore you should be able to text 9-1-1 all the relevant information.

I was going to keep this idea to myself, because I feel like whoever is given the contract to implement the necessary technology stands to make a lot of money, but then I decided that if one extra person died because I delayed the process, as unlikely as that is, that would make me an asshole. So, whoever steals this brilliant idea (though I feel like this HAS TO exist by now), please send me a cut, or something. Thanks.

I Hate Myself

I finally did it. I joined Twitter. Jesus Christ. But it's supposed to good for the blog, so please, don't judge me too much . . . and, while you're not judging, please become a Follower on Twitter! Pretty please. I don't even totally know how it works, but this link should take you to the right spot:

Pass it on...

She Just Needed To Be Called Out

Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, who wasn't even elected (she took power when the actually elected governor left to work for Obama), who signed that ludicrously racist immigration bill that basically allows police to ass-rape anyone who looks Mexican with their billy clubs, had the ball-bag to say this: "I firmly believe God has placed me in this powerful position of Arizona's governor to help guide our state through the difficulties that we are currently facing."

If this is what God is occupying himself with, then he's dumber than I thought. Seriously, shut the fuck up and step down.

"The Marriage Bed"

Speaking of females getting shafted...

Girls don't fart or shit. Period. This is non-negotiable.

But my buddies made a good point about this double standard: since guys are the ones always trying to get laid, and women are more often the ones withholding, wouldn't you think it would be the other way around? Wouldn't women be able to fart openly while guys had to pretend they don't? But, thank god that's not the case, eh. I don't know how we tricked you again, but we did...

(Special thanks to Rosencock and Curry Puff...)

Monday, May 3, 2010


I had an epiphany today. I realized that women's intense insecurity is even less justified than I initially surmised; if anything, they should be more confident than men. This occurred to me as I was walking through West Hollywood, in the heart of "Boys Town." Being surrounded by gay men made me feel more confident than usual because I knew tons of those guys would totally bang me. And that's when I was like, wait, this is how it is for women everywhere, every day . . . and somehow, they're still insecure? . . .

Into The Universe with Stephen Hawking

Everyone needs to watch this! In particular the episode that premiered today, entitled, "The Story of Everything." The first episode, about aliens, was decent, and the second episode, about time travel, was even better, but this latest one is incredible. It's on the Discovery Channel, and it presents the theories about our existence in the cosmos very elegantly and fascinatingly. Do yourself the favor:

Sunday, May 2, 2010

F-ing Hipsters

I was walking the other day and saw three hipsters hanging out outside their apartment. Two were sitting on the stoop smoking, and the third was standing in front of them in the yard. All of them in skinny jeans, not had a moustache...the usual. So the standing guy decides to do a somersault on the grass; I think it was an anti-establishment somersault. One of the smokers takes an unnecessarily dramatic drag and emotionlessly says, "That was so random." And the somersaulting-r'tard goes, "I know. I don't know where that came from. I just knew I had to do it. I don't know why."

Ugh, right? So predictable! I know exactly why you did it. You needed to scream, "I need attention!," without actually saying those words. Go write a fucking blog or something...

It's Called "Copy & Paste." It's Not That Difficult.

You know how on Facebook there's that little box below your profile picture where you're apparently supposed to put some cheesy life affirmation? Well, if you're going to quote someone, A) get the quote right, and B) spell the name of the person who said the quote correctly. We have the Internet now. It's not like this needs to be done from memory. No excuses. Jesus Christ...

I'm Jealous

My friend just sent me this link, and I'm embarrassed to say that I'd never even heard of it before. You know it's a good idea when you read it and think to yourself, "Damnit! I should've thought of that!"