Subscribe to The Curmudgeon!

Google Groups
Subscribe to The Curmudgeon
Visit this group

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Uppers & Downers

I'll preface this by saying, I always put the toilet seat down after I pee, the result of both being raised by a single mother and an aesthetic preference.

But seriously, what's this absurdity with women assuming they have the right to dictate the default state of a toilet seat? Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Last I checked, about half the population has dicks, but you don't see us throwing a tantrum every time we walk into a bathroom where the seat is down, thus requiring the same effort on our part to adjust the seat according to our needs. In fact, I would argue that it takes more effort to lift the seat than it does to just drop it. And, you'd think women would prefer the seat to be up in between uses because that would diminish the chances of a lazy dude (of whom there is no shortage) micturating (look it up...if the context clues aren't doing it for you) all over the seat.

The only argument I find semi-coherent is that women always need the seat down, and even guys need it down some of the time, thus showing that three out of four below-the-waist bodily expulsions necessitate a seat that is in the downward position. But, this is deceptive because it's based on categorical variables rather than quantitative ones. And what that means is, while 75% of bathroom categories (man pee, man poop, girl pee, girl poop...though we all know that last one is as mythical as the female orgasm) require the seat be down, the actual volume of pees so vastly outweighs the volume of poops that this seemingly reasonable argument is, practically speaking, rendered null and void.

Bottom line, I'll keep putting the seat down if you promise to shut the fuck up when someone else does not.


  1. Sounds like a nice argument, but your ass has never slipped into a cold wet porcelain bowl in the middle of the night.

  2. Oh, BM...that's because I know people are inconsiderate, and I don't assume the person who went before me had me at all in mind whenever he/she made his/her decision re: the position of the seat. Therefore, I ALWAYS check the state of the seat, even in the middle of the night.

    Though I will confess, ONE time, when I was really tired, the seat was all the way down, top cover, too, and I sat down on top of that...but, fortunately, realized before it was too late.

  3. Women have the right to dictate the position of the toilet seat because we'll make your lives miserable if you don't listen to us. Score 1 for the ladies! Heyo!!

  4. Thanks, Yvonne. That doesn't support my unjustified-sense-of-entitlement theory at all.

  5. I'm a fan of the keep the lid down too theory. I know mythbusters disproved that lid down toilet flushing prevents significantly more fecal or urinary matter to the air, but this is one superstition/urban legend that I'm sticking by. Gender aside, keep the lid down for the sake of my toothbrush. Please. We are already breathing each other's P&P. Let's put as hard a limit on that as we can.