Guys' Guys

I kinda hate 'em. I say "kinda" because I respect the handy guys' guys. The ones who can, like, saw wood, and hammer nails, and build shit. And the ones who can fix electronics or rig "things" to do "stuff." I'm always impressed by that because I'm totally useless around the house.

I'm talking about the other macho aspects of being a guys' guy. Like talking about beer or being drunk all the time. "Bro, they're gonna have beer there!" Okay, great. Calm down. You realize you can buy this at pretty much every corner, right? There's also the cursing. I know I sound like a pussy, but I'm not anti-cursing, it's just, I'm anti using "fuck" in the place of "um." It's a little excessive and sounds dumber than it does tough, no? "Yo, so, fuckiiinnn', I'm at this bar and, fuckiiinnn', this chick is . . ." Blah blah blah. You know how the story ends: boringly. And then you have to like golf, and smoking cigars, and grilling. Eh.

But the worst, to me, is the automotive obsession. Is this stuff really that interesting to these people or are they just pretending? Who gives a shit how many cylinders my car has, or how quickly it can go from zero to 60, or what the torque is? What the fuck is torque?! If it drives, has a CD player, and has air conditioning, I'm good to go. And I love this question: "Whaddaya got under the hood?" "A fucking engine, jackass. Chill out."