I Like A Challenge

Sometimes, when I meet girls, I like to challenge myself by doing a little self-sabotage, and then seeing if I can recover from the "flat spin" without having to EJECT and break my neck, like Goose...metaphorically speaking. For example:

1. One time, I picked a girl up for a first date, and I'm driving, and we're laughing and talking. Then, after a brief moment of silence, I said, "It's pretty crazy how trusting girls are on first dates when you think about it, right?" She giggled, but you could see the wheels starting to turn. I let that moment breathe for a second. Then I go, "Seriously, like, if I were some homicidal psycho I could just drive you out to the desert and chop you up into a million pieces and no one would ever know." She laughed, sort of, but I made sure to keep a straight face for a few seconds. Then I finally broke character and said, "Don't worry. I left my mask and axe in the trunk. By the time I ran out to get them you'd probably be long gone anyway..."

2. Another time, I met a girl while I was out one night, and we're talking about some inane bullshit. She was probably telling me about her maltipoo and vanity plates, or something. Anyway, I go, "Oh, so where do you live?" And she's like, "Miracle Mile." And I was like, "Yeah, but where? I know the area." And she was like, "Like, by Curson and 6th." And I go, "No, what's your exact address?" But with a completely straight face. Try that one some time. And be patient before blurting out "just kidding." Also, don't blink. That contributes to the effect. The reaction is priceless (Curmudgeon's note: for my feelings about the word "priceless," please see earlier post about anticlimactic punchlines).

3. Another time at a bar, I was drinking water, and some poor girl comes up to me and goes, "C'mon. You can't just drink water. You have to get a drink." So I go, "Actually, my dad's an alcoholic, so..." (Curmudgeon's note: my father is not an alcoholic. But he does enjoy watching movies on Lifetime, which is arguably worse.) Her face dropped and she got super serious, "Oh my god. I am so sorry." And then I go, "Just kidding. He's not an alcoholic. This is straight vodka." And she started cracking up, and playfully hit my arm, "You jerk. Hee hee hee." And then I go, "No, seriously, though, he's an alcoholic. This is water." And she got serious again. And I go, "Nah. Just kidding." And she got really confused. She walked away. Smart move. I deserved it.

4. Finally, I was in Cabo a few years ago, and I was walking this girl back to the hotel at like three in the morning, or something, and we're walking along the edge of the marina. There's a short wall, on the other side of which is, like, a 15-foot drop into the water. For some reason, I decided that it would be a good time to off-handedly comment, "I could totally just pick you up and throw you over the side, and you'd probably drown, and no one would ever know because I just met you tonight."

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I don't know why I always think about how crazy it is that girls are so trusting of guys they've never met before, but I do. I think it's a couple of things. First, I think if I were a woman, I'd be hyper-paranoid all the time. I'd be scared to walk alone at night, I'd be scared to let a guy pick me up, I'd be scared to let someone in my apartment. As a guy, I know I could at least put up a decent fight if it ever came down to it, but women are significantly weaker, physically, and I feel like that seriously affects the dynamic, no?

Second, I feel like I'm a good guy, despite what some of you readers might think. I'm very considerate. I take feelings, and all that crap, into account. I don't use women. I don't cheat. But I think that's the problem. I consider myself a good guy, and I know that I think up some depraved shit sometimes. So imagine what the bad guys are thinking?! And imagine what the really bad guys are actually doing!

Third, I always think about the situation from the perspective of a father. Not in a sick way, assholes. In the sense that, I would kill myself if I had a daughter because I'd never want my daughter to ever trust anyone as much as girls trust me, even though I KNOW I'm fucking trustworthy! Like, if I have daughters, I want to instill a completely unhealthy fear of everything in them. Is that wrong? This is the same reason I can't enjoy strip clubs. I always think, "That girl has parents. This can't be what they wanted for her." . . . And then the girl's mom gets up on stage next to her. Lovely.