You're Hot, Too

Poor polar bears...runnin' out of ice, and shit...

It was over 85 degrees in LA recently.  I was taking out the garbage, and one of my neighbors was outside.  He asks me how I'm doing, and I say, good, and then chime in with a "It's hot out today."  His response?  "Not really."  Fuck you!  A) It's over 85 degrees!  That's hot.  Sorry.  B) You're hot!  I can see the beads of sweat on your forehead!  C) I didn't even want to talk to you in the first place!  I was just being nice.  I hope you dehydrate on this refreshingly cool 88-degree afternoon...asshole...

Snap Back to Reality

I have wood.

I was comparing notes with a buddy of mine about girls we've hooked up with: tattoos, piercings, shaving patterns...  So I asked him if he'd ever been with a girl with a clit ring, and right away he exclaims, "Yeah!"  Then he furrows his brow for a second and goes, "Oh, wait.  I think I'm getting confused with a porn I saw."

I Ain't Never Been To Jail!

It's already been broughten!

When I used to cross the street at a stop sign crosswalk, where I clearly had the right of way, I wouldn't give a thank-you wave because I adhered to the Chris Rock school of thought in which we shouldn't be rewarding people for doing what they're supposed to do.  (If you don't get this reference, watch Chris Rock's first stand-up special, Bring the Pain; if you don't enjoy said special, shoot yourself in the face.)

But you know what?  My expectations of people have become so low, because they so infrequently do what they're supposed to, that I now wave when I cross at a crosswalk.  Fuck it.  Give the guy a cookie.  Maybe he'll be encouraged to do the right thing again the next time.  (Unlikely.)

Awesome or Terrible?

"That's my broad, see?!"

A friend of mine recently called to tell me that he saw our mutual friend's ex-girlfriend with a new guy.  He was all excited for our friend, saying, "Her new dude is a total tool!"  Then he went silent for a few seconds and finally said, "Hmm.  Actually, I don't know if that's good or bad."

We went on to debate the topic of what type of person you'd prefer to see your ex with.  Let's start with this scenario, in which the ex is now dating a loser.  On the one hand, you're happy because she's clearly suffering with a r'tard, but does that then mean you were a jackass, too?  Whereas, if your replacement were amazing, you'd be like, fuck you for finding someone awesome and being happy, but you'd also feel kinda good because if she gets awesome guys, and you were hitting that for so long...you must be pretty awesome, too!  Sweet!

In the end, we concluded it's probably best if your replacement is significantly worse or better than you.  Much worse and you're like, serves her right!  And, if she's dating some genius Adonis, you're like, well, at least I had my chance; I can't compete with that dude... 

Actually, scratch that.  Best case scenario?  She dies alone.  Byeeeee.

Gaiety

Now there's something I can get behind...

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he said something stupid, so I said, "That's gay."  Some passerby had the balls to say to me, "You know, you shouldn't say that because--" 

So I cut her off, "--Let me stop you there.  Ask me how much I care that you were nosy enough to eavesdrop on a private conversation and then be bothered by a guy who, himself, wore a Legalize Gay T-shirt last weekend to support the cause, though he himself is not gay."

She stuttered for a second and made some feeble attempt to salvage her pride with something along the lines of, "Well...I'm just saying..."  To which I replied, "We're done here."

Critical Mass

I can't see his grapes.

I've heard a lot of people dismiss fat people's food recommendations on the basis that the overweight must not be discerning when it comes to food consumption.  But I disagree.  People are fat because they appreciate food (and are lazy and soul-less), and they can't stop eating when they find a good thing.  Skinny people eat for fuel; they don't know what they're talking about.  I always side with the fatty in matters of the palate...

Doggy Bag

"Please kill me."

If you take a girl out for dinner, pay for everything, and she doesn't finish her food and gets a to-go box...shouldn't she at least offer you that box of food?  I mean, it's kiiiiinda yours, really, no?  You committed to dinner, not dinner and tomorrow's lunch.  Manners obviously dictate that you turn down that offer, but just something to think about...

Britney's Back!...To Destroying America

They'll have their revenge...

Holy.  Shit.  Have you seen the new Britney Spears video...for "I Wanna Go"?  This is the dumbest, worst thing I've ever seen.  It's just her being a raging whore, with a trashy duck-face cop, and a fat, idiot cyborg bathing in milk?  If today's youth find this funny or clever in any way at all, the Chinese will be our overlords sooner than I even imagined...

The culprit (video):

The Kiddie Pool

I went on a date with a young girl a few months back.  And while this is nothing new, this was the first time I just felt like I was out with a kid.  She wasn't even stupid.  It's just, the amount of knowledge you acquire over the course of an extra decade of life may create too much of a gap.  I can't believe I'm actually saying that.  Still, I couldn't wait to see her again...sooo hot...