C'mon, China! We Need Your Help!

In sadder news, I think I've mentioned this before, but a good friend of mine has ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). It's a terrible disease, and does so much damage so quickly, and there's no cure for it. Nothing! What the fuck?! I know America's too dumb and religious to do anything, but you'd think that by now, China would have done enough stem-cell research or harvested enough cloned humans and experimented on them to have come up with something. C'mon, China! Get your shit together. If we can't count on you to carry out the morally ambiguous medical research we so desperately need then what can we count on you for?! Lead in our children's toys? Do something!

(Curmudgeon's note: my other good buddy actually shot a documentary about our friend with ALS, who is also a Hollywood writer/director. It's a great movie, and the money goes to ALS, so if you're interested, you can buy it from the website: http://www.livingwithlew.com/ ).

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Recently, my friend was asking me what I'd do if I got an assload of money, and my first response made me realize how strange I actually am. I said I'd find a way to play with a tiger cub, a baby chimp, and wolf puppies (cubs, whatever). This was the first thing I thought to do if someone handed me a suitcase of cash. That can't be normal. Apparently I have an odd obsession with exotic baby animals...

Ugh...It's Just YOU

How annoying is it when you get a text from someone, but it's not the person you were waiting to get a text from? You even get mad at the person who texted you even though they had no way of knowing you were hoping to hear from someone else!

Facebook Photo Albums

Can people limit their Facebook photo albums to the original 60-picture limit please? These 100-plus picture albums are really ridiculous. I don't care what you ate for every meal. I don't need to see 18 shots of the same view. Use some discretion. And if you really feel the world couldn't possibly go on without seeing every single one of those pictures, then make a new, separate album. Get better at classification, or something.

Squandered Opportunity

I finally made it all the way through the movie Watchmen, on my third attempt. What a disjointed, excessively-long, self-indulgent crapfest. But the ending reminded me of something I've thought for a long time.

I know this is controversial to say, but September 11th had the potential to be one of the best moments in the relatively short history of global civilization. After those sexually repressed, miseducated, dick-lickers crashed civilian-filled airplanes into the Twin Towers, there was an overwhelming wave of patriotism and unity in the U.S., which, in turn, reverberated across the planet. The entire world, aside from a very small faction of fanatical Muslims, rushed to America's side in the wake of our freshly-exposed vulnerability. The world was certainly as united as I'd ever known it to be, and, in my opinion, we had a unique window of opportunity to promote and actively pursue a peaceful, openly communicative, global community . . . and George W. Bush managed to squander all of that good will and sympathy that had finally brought humanity together on such a massive scale.

This is my primary objection to George W. Bush's existence. He had a chance to make a historically positive impact on the globe, and instead, he and his staff essentially ignored thousands of years of recorded history (accumulated, presumably painstakingly, over many generations, in no small part to keep people from repeating past morons' mistakes), and made a series of terrible, ignorant, selfish decisions that resulted in pretty much the exact opposite of anything positive. And that's totally fucked! I fully believe Bush should be treated as a war criminal. If the leader of any other nation acted equally irresponsibly, without the consent or support of the international community, and was responsible for that much death and destruction, he would be tried and executed.

It drives me nuts when I see "W" (what a fucking idiot, that guy) throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game, or laughing with his friends, or smiling as he clears brush back in Crawford. How come he's allowed to be that happy? When I see him enjoying life, it embarrasses me as an American, and it makes me feel the way I did when I saw O.J. Simpson playing golf after his acquittal, or when I watched Yasser Araft receive his Nobel Peace Prize. It really highlights the absurdity of our existence...

The Holy Trinity

How's this for a typically surreal Los Angeles moment: today, at Starbucks, I saw Robert Blake, Scott Baio, and the big brother from The Wonder Years all hanging out together! How awesomely bizarre is that?!

Top 20 Songs of '09

It's been a while since I did one of my beloved lists, and I don't like the whole end-of-year list craze, so I decided to wait a little while and do a post-end-of-year-list-craze end-of-year list. Follow me? The title is a bit of a misnomer since there are more than 20 songs here (because for several artists I couldn't choose just one song), and because not all of these songs came out in 2009. But these are the songs that I listened to the most in '09, and so that's the fucking list. Deal with it. You should be thanking me anyway if you haven't already heard these. Here yous go:

1. Santogold's (now Santigold because some litigious, unknown infomercial jeweller named Santo Gold threatened to sue her) "L.E.S. Artistes":




2. Cobra Starship's "Good Girls Go Bad" and "The Scene is Dead; Long Live the Scene" (Yeah, this is my friend's band, but he writes really catchy music, damnit!):







3. Ezra Furman and the Harpoons' "Take Off Your Sunglasses":




4. Bon Iver's "Blood Bank," "The Wolves," and "For Emma" (probably my favorite new artist of the past five years, or maybe even decade):










5. Beirut's "Nantes" and "Elephant Gun":







6. Third Eye Blind's "Why Can't You Be?":




7. All-American Rejects' "Another Heart Calls":




8. The Avett Brothers' "I And Love And You":




9. Matt Pryor's "Confidence Man":




10. Fanfarlo's "Finish Line" and "Harold T. Wilkins":







11. Alkaline Trio's "Calling All Skeletons":




12. Ben Nichols' "Toadvine" (Couldn't find a decent video for this so I gave a link to the song. I love this song. Very worth listening to):

http://hypem.com/track/774022/Ben+Nichols+-+Toadvine

13. Frightened Rabbit's "Good Arms Vs. Bad Arms" and "Fun Stuff" (Also one of my favorite new bands in recent years.):




"Fun Stuff": http://hypem.com/track/959685/Frightened+Rabbit+-+Fun+Stuff

14. Ha Ha Tonka's "Close Every Valve to Your Bleeding Heart":




15. VV Brown's "Shark in the Water":

http://www.blackcabsessions.com/sessions.php?type=1&id=1243588758&sort=chronological

16. Maximo Park's "Questing, Not Coasting":




17. Panic at the Disco's "Northern Downpour" (Yes, that Panic at the Disco. Listen before you judge. They're good.):




18. Pearl Jam's "Just Breathe":




19. Ray LaMontagne's "Jolene" (This version, in particular):




20. AA Bondy's "World Without End":




BONUS SONG: Iron & Wine's "Die":




Hope you enjoy. That took a really long fucking time to do. That might not be happening again next year...

Don't Look at ME!

I just opened my Stonyfield yogurt, and this message was awaiting me under the lid:

"You could conserve 1.7 trees and 700 gallons of water over 5 years, while also preventing greenhouse gas emissions, by reducing your junk mail. Imagine what we could conserve if we all reduced our junk mail."

First of all, don't try to make me feel guilty when I'm eating my breakfast. Everyone who's ever manipulated anyone knows how important timing is when asking for something.

Second, fuck you! Don't tell me to reduce something I don't at all want and didn't ask for in the first place. Talk to the goddamn US Postal Service! I don't write you a note every morning saying, "You know, your tax money goes to a government that's responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent people. Imagine how many fewer deaths there would be if we all paid less taxes." You know why I don't write that note? Beacuse I'm lazy. Also, because I'm not an asshole, and I recognize that it's not your fault you have to pay taxes, and I'm sure you wouldn't if you had the choice. Incidentally, I heard that the only way the Post Office is able to stay in business now that email and the Internet have made letter-writing nearly obsolete, is through junk mail. So Stonyfield, if you want your mail delivered and you want me to keep buying your product, shut your face.

You're So Vain; You Probably Think This Post Is About You

It is . . . if you're a r'tard with a personalized license plate. Came across a few new vanity plates that I needed to share with you:

1. EDS ETKT - First rule of etiquette, Ed, don't get a personalized license plate.

2. E5SCAPE - Yes, that's the number "5" and the letter "S." This jackass was driving a Miata. Hey, buddy, I hope if you get in a car accident, you don't E5SCAPE the fiery wreckage of your crumpled toy car.

3. FITGRMA - Disgusting. I don't want to associate a grandma with anything anatomical. Now you're assaulting my intellect and my gag reflex. Die already. You're old, and your body's leathery and gross.

Multi-Part Finales

I hate when TV shows' season finales have multiple parts. "Tonight, in part one of our three-part season finale..." That's not a three-part season finale. That's two episodes and a finale. The last "part" is the finale. The parts before that are just regular episodes. Stop it.

Pantsless Girl > Fat Me

I just hung my jeans over my bathroom door because it rained today and the bottoms are wet, but when I looked at them, it depressed me to see how fucking wide they were. So I actually got up and folded the sides under a little, and now it looks like some skinny girl left her jeans hanging on my door. I gotta say, I feel much better now. Feeling like a bottomless chick might pop out of my bathroom at any moment definitely beats feeling like a fat fuck.

TCB

I've thought about this for a while, now, and I think I've finally decided on the top three cheesiest songs used in TV commercials:

1. "Taking Care of Business" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive

2. "More Than A Feeling" by Boston

3. "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers

Any company that plays one of these songs as the soundtrack for its commercial is calling you an idiot, so don't by their stuff.

That's Hot

I hate the term "rockstar." If someone describes another person as being a "rockstar," he/she should be eviscerated with a rusty coat hanger. These are the same people who wear Ed Hardy shirts, Corona bathing suits, Jagermeister paraphernalia, have barbed wire tattoos, and say things like, "that hot new club." Uch.

New Kids on the Block Had A Bunch of Hits/ Chinese Food Makes Me Sick

You know what else makes me sick? That a band dubbed LFO (that stands for "Lyte Funky Ones." Yes. Seriously) made a lot of money off that terribad song. If you don't know what I'm referring to, type the title of this entry into Google, and that should jog your memory. Or watch this cacophonous shitbomb:



But that's not the point of this entry. I have big news. While I hate the recently-departed Bush administration for all the liberties upon which they urinated, I think I've actually found conclusive evidence that what we do to prisoners in Guantanamo doesn't constitute torture.

My evidence? Any Abercrombie & Fitch store! Think about it: you walk in . . . your nostrils are assaulted by that Abercrombie eau de diarrhea-splattered toilette, your eardrums are berated by blaring house music, your pupils are stretched to the size of UFOs by the utter absence of light, and the staff members completely ignore your existence. Complete sensory deprivation. Isn't that exactly what the prisoners at Gitmo are complaining about? And yet, we (not I) go there of our own volition! So it can't be torture, right?! . . . Hmmm, although maybe it's that whole having-a-choice-in-the-matter thing.

Speaking of Shitty Drivers...

Do really slow drivers not realize that there's ALWAYS someone riding their rear bumpers? Are they so self-unaware that they don't comprehend that this means they drive way too slowly? (For the record, in LA, I think the answer is "yes." Everyone here thinks he/she is the only person in the world.) Like, when there's a line of 10 cars on your ass, you're an inconsiderate prick who is driving way too slowly. Pull over, and let people who are actually trying to get somewhere pass. And if these automotive snails actually do realize what they're doing, but just feel that they are incapable of driving any faster, then they shouldn't be allowed to drive. End of story. Take a bus, walk, die, whatever. Just get out of the fucking way!

Wrong on Red

Just because you can make a right on red, doesn't mean you get to! Stop inching forward into traffic, and certainly stop just going. It's on RED. The people with the green still get priority. Right on Red is a privilege. It's one of the rare situations (I hate that I can't say "situation" without thinking of The Jersey Shore, now) in which the law affords us the opportunity to show that we, as humans, can exercise common sense and good judgment, and we fail repeatedly...

(Special thanks to Yvonne, for sharing my intense loathing of retarded drivers...)

When I Get Around To It, I'll Do My Job

I recently read two separate quotes from former high-ranking politicians that said something along the lines of, "I care more about how my children turn out than how I did when I was in office. How I do as a dad is how I'll measure my success."

No. You fucking asshole. When you chose to effect public policy at that high a level, you essentially said to the entire population, "I'm working to make this a better place for all of you," not, "Well, I gotta play with my kids, but if I have time, I'll see what I can do for the rest of you..." We trusted you! By saying that the job you do as a father is how you'll measure your success, you're essentially saying, fuck everyone else's children besides mine. Don't opt to be a politician if you can't handle putting the people first for those years of service. Sorry. No one forced you to pursue that career path. I intend to put me before other people, so I'm not going to run for office, because I'm not a liar.

Handky Panky

Handkerchiefs? Really? These things are absolutely disgusting, and so is anyone who uses one. Who ever thought this was a good idea?

Plug It In, Plug It In...

My block has recently become rather noisy, particularly at the times when I want to be sleeping. Construction, people yelling, garbage trucks reversing, and lots of fucking car alarms. I feel like I'm back in New York, which, if you've read my older posts you'd know, is not a good thing. Anyway, I have an old box of ear plugs from the time I decided I was going to be a responsible concert goer (that didn't last very long. It was already embarrassing enough being the oldest person at the show, so I took them out. Besides, Miley Cyrus sounds way better when you can really savor every nook and cranny of her fantastic voice. I mean, really, such talent. How very blessed we are to have both her and The Jonas Brothers), so I decided to try those. And they worked great! The downside? You can't hear your goddamn alarm clock. Oops.

I'm A Princess!

I hate when girls wear tiaras. I recognize that it's usually for special occasions, and that still doesn't make it okay to me. If I see a girl in a tiara, I know she's going to be really fucking annoying, and probably sloppy drunk, too...which I guess goes hand-in-hand with the annoying part. Although, I guess, at least if a girl's wearing a tiara it's a more honest portrayal of who she really thinks she is...

People's Choice Awards

My friend's performance from the People's Choice Awards last night!!!

"Taco Heaven"

I don't know whether to be proud or embarrassed, but my buddy and I wrote and recorded this song on his iPhone while taking a break from writing the other night. We were only able to get through two takes without cracking up, so it is what it is. It's called "Taco Heaven." I think the more times you listen to it, the better it gets, as is often the case with scatalogical humor. I fully recognize that we are deeply disturbed. God help us...

http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/1/359185/?did=3051395#

Speaking of Whores...

Caught this commercial last night, for whores-in-training. It's all pretty laughably awful, starting with the product name, Flirty Girl Fitness, but please pay special attention to the following:

1. The overly enthusiastic vocal inflections of the woman who's describing the product.

2. The testimonials (I'm particularly fond of the top on the girl at the 29-second mark).

3. The actual dance moves being shown (especially from the Booty Beat segment until the home stripper pole).

Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

Pimps Down, Ho's Up

Prostitution should be legalized. It goes on anyway, and it always will. There's clearly a demand, and there are clearly people willing to provide the service. Because it remains illegal, the world of prostitution is awash with danger: rampant disease, underage girls being forced to sell their bodies, violence, murder, theft, rape...

If prostitution were legalized, it could be regulated. Mandatory testing could be instituted to ensure high standards of hygiene. The criminal element currently intrinsic in prostitution could be eliminated, or greatly reduced, at the least. It could be taxed heavily, like cigarettes or alcohol (or weed, if that were legal, which it should be, for a lot of the same reasons), and those taxes could be allocated to positive endeavors like affordable health care, better education, or paying back our future slave masters in China, to whom our country is massively indebted... Or how about this: since a lot of the women who end up getting involved in prostitution, unfortunately, have histories of physical and sexual abuse, we can use the legalized-prostitution taxes to fund specialized programs aimed at helping girls/women who are victims of such abuses cope with their traumas in healthy, constructive manners. That way, women who pursue prostitution as a career path from that point forth, are much more likely to be doing so because they actually want to. Everyone wins.

(Special thanks to Triple-A for inspiring the "Prostitution Solution.")

Low Fidelity

How ridiculous is fidelity?! So let me get this straight, if I'm in a relationship, even if Milla Jovovich circa Return to the Blue Lagoon wanted to tickle my balls with her uvula, I'd have to turn it down? That seems a little ridiculous. As my friend put it, "C'mon. It's just like jerking off...but with someone else's mouth. I have a toilet at home, but that doesn't mean I can't take a shit outside the house! I just put paper on the seat first." Well said.

Jokes aside, if you can't handle fidelity, don't commit to a relationship in the first place. If you know you're gonna cheat, but you're too insecure to live outside of the confines of a "monogamous" relationship, you're just an asshole.

But let's examine this a little more closely. The measure of success from an evolutionary standpoint is the propagation of one's genes. This, in conjunction with men and women's very different biological compositions (i.e. - A man basically produces an endless supply of sperm for the duration of his life, whereas a woman is born with a finite number of eggs, the fertilization of which must occur within a prescribed window of time. This presents the genders with two very different optimal strategies of fulfilling the evolutionary mission of passing on their genes. Men should basically bang anyone and everyone in order to produce the most offspring, while women should be much more selective, breeding only with those who give their precious eggs the best chance of survival), often puts us in a difficult position given the societal expectation of monogamous union. I guess you could say it pits our entire evolutionary history against our relatively recently developed conscious brains. The fact that this conflict doesn't cause more problems is, I think, a testament to how far we've come in terms of brain development and impulse control (which, in turn, gives us the power to change the course of evolution, which, before us, was probably occurring only at a subconscious level).

But, having said all that, when you think about it, if evolution led to us, and we created marriage, then doesn't the institution of marriage, or at least the concept of monogamy, represent a gene-like unit that is, itself, the fittest because it has managed to survive thus far?

Anyway, point is, Milla, if you have a time machine and want to hang out some time...

(Special thanks to Roy Boy...)

I Wish!

You know how when you call a customer service the recording always says, "This call may be monitored for quality assurance."? How come my calls are never monitored? I've yet to receive quality assistance.