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Monday, January 25, 2010

Don't Look at ME!

I just opened my Stonyfield yogurt, and this message was awaiting me under the lid:

"You could conserve 1.7 trees and 700 gallons of water over 5 years, while also preventing greenhouse gas emissions, by reducing your junk mail. Imagine what we could conserve if we all reduced our junk mail."

First of all, don't try to make me feel guilty when I'm eating my breakfast. Everyone who's ever manipulated anyone knows how important timing is when asking for something.

Second, fuck you! Don't tell me to reduce something I don't at all want and didn't ask for in the first place. Talk to the goddamn US Postal Service! I don't write you a note every morning saying, "You know, your tax money goes to a government that's responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent people. Imagine how many fewer deaths there would be if we all paid less taxes." You know why I don't write that note? Beacuse I'm lazy. Also, because I'm not an asshole, and I recognize that it's not your fault you have to pay taxes, and I'm sure you wouldn't if you had the choice. Incidentally, I heard that the only way the Post Office is able to stay in business now that email and the Internet have made letter-writing nearly obsolete, is through junk mail. So Stonyfield, if you want your mail delivered and you want me to keep buying your product, shut your face.

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