Time for Takeoff, Asshole!

Seriously, how hard is it to back out of a parking spot? I'm all for taking your time if no one's waiting, but when you see a line of cars behind the car waiting for your spot, please stop being a self-centered asshole and vacate in a timely fashion.

My recently departed grandfather :( used to call these people "pilots," because, he said, it's like they have a laundry list of gauges to check before takeoff.

Don't be a pilot . . . unless you're actually flying my plane.

Selfish Cancer

(I have no idea what this recent preponderance of cancer posts is all about, but...)

I asked my friend what she was doing for Halloween weekend, and she was like, "Well, not sure yet because I'm running a 10K for cancer early Sunday morning."

Fuck cancer! It's not going anywhere. Cancer ruins enough lives. Can't it give us Halloween weekend off, for Christ's sake?!

Self-Proclaimed Ignoramus

I saw a nice, new BMW recently with the inane bumper sticker, "Easily distracted by bright shiny objects."

I don't think I'm even capable of articulating how much this pains me. Not because I care about cars, because I don't (see here: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/06/guys-guys.html ), though the principle of so moronically devaluing your own property certainly irks me, but because knowing this stupid, idiotic person thinks he/she is being cute/funny and is circulating in general population just makes my skin crawl. Really? You're comparing yourself to a tiny-brained animal? Shiny objects distract you? Then hopefully you'll be distracted by the glare from the blade of my knife as I bludgeon your face with it.

There's A Test, And Everything...

Guess what? If we're driving towards each other on a two-way street and there's enough room for two cars, don't expect me to pull to the side, because it's not gonna happen. It's incumbent upon you to know how to drive. Call me idealistic, but that's the assumption under which I operate when you choose to get behind the wheel of a car.

Oh, Heeeyyy

A guy I know was telling me about how he was banging this girl in front of a mirror recently, and because he's been working out so much lately, he was turned on by himself. Does that make him gay, or just vain?

I Don't Care If I'm In Antarctica!

I hate when any establishment adjusts its thermostat according to the weather outside. The indoor temperature should always be 72 degrees. Always. You'll adjust. No need to be so reactionary.

Ugh! I Can't Believe I Have To Wait My Turn

I love these people at cafes who, after ordering, exhale incredulously every time anyone other than them has his/her order called. They're giving them out in the exact sequence in which the orders were taken. Chill the fuck out. Just because you finally made it to the counter to place your order doesn't mean the entire line of people that was in front of you when you walked in magically disappeared.

Por, No?

I have a female friend who was telling me and a buddy that all women like porn. We argued that 100% of men like porn, whether they admit it or not, and agreed that a much higher percentage of women than admit it enjoy porn, but not all.

So, if my female readers can please, anonymously if you prefer, comment on this post and honestly report whether you do or do not like porn, I'd be much obliged. This is for science people, so even if you don't normally comment, which is most of you, please do so now. I fully recognize that this isn't a significant sample size, but if even one of you says you honestly don't like porn, then it proves my point. Thank you...

Oh, and if you're a guy who honestly does not like porn, then please comment, too. . . though you're obviously lying.

Shakespeare Did NOT Have OCD

I recently read a biography about William Shakespeare (though it was more an account of how little we actually know about him), and in it they say that none of his manuscripts was found among his personal effects at the time of his death because, at that time, the owners of the theaters that put on the plays actually owned the plays themselves. The writers just received a relatively meager, one-time fee and handed over their written work.

Now, I know the printing press had been invented already, but there were no printers or copying machines. I never would've been able to write more than, like, three plays in my entire life if I lived back then because my borderline OCD would've required me to hand copy several copies of everything I wrote for fear that the theater company might lose the original, or the lone copy might get stolen, etc... I would've spent the bulk of my existence copying down what I'd already written!

Hyperbole?

The new season of MTV's Real World-Road Rules Challenge is called Cutthroat, and the big, physical confrontation at the end of each episode takes place in an arena that is being called "The Gulag." Now, I'm not a doctor or anything, but something tells me, if you survived an actual gulag, you might find this highly offensive, if not slightly hyperbolic. While I know the gulags weren't technically full-on death camps (despite high mortality rates), what's next, MTV? Is next season's gladiatorial battleground going to be called Auschwitz?

Uppers & Downers

I'll preface this by saying, I always put the toilet seat down after I pee, the result of both being raised by a single mother and an aesthetic preference.

But seriously, what's this absurdity with women assuming they have the right to dictate the default state of a toilet seat? Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Last I checked, about half the population has dicks, but you don't see us throwing a tantrum every time we walk into a bathroom where the seat is down, thus requiring the same effort on our part to adjust the seat according to our needs. In fact, I would argue that it takes more effort to lift the seat than it does to just drop it. And, you'd think women would prefer the seat to be up in between uses because that would diminish the chances of a lazy dude (of whom there is no shortage) micturating (look it up...if the context clues aren't doing it for you) all over the seat.

The only argument I find semi-coherent is that women always need the seat down, and even guys need it down some of the time, thus showing that three out of four below-the-waist bodily expulsions necessitate a seat that is in the downward position. But, this is deceptive because it's based on categorical variables rather than quantitative ones. And what that means is, while 75% of bathroom categories (man pee, man poop, girl pee, girl poop...though we all know that last one is as mythical as the female orgasm) require the seat be down, the actual volume of pees so vastly outweighs the volume of poops that this seemingly reasonable argument is, practically speaking, rendered null and void.

Bottom line, I'll keep putting the seat down if you promise to shut the fuck up when someone else does not.

Reality TV?

Why does every sitcom always have a semi-serious episode in which someone falsely accuses someone else of something terrible as part of some ridiculous misunderstanding and then apologizes later? And the person accused is always someone who would totally do exactly what he is being accused of, but because this is the one time he isn't guilty, he feels justified in getting all self-righteous.

Like the episode of ALF where ALF gets accused of eating the family cat when it really just ran away, or something. ALF gets all offended (in English, of course, which is clearly the native tongue of all those who hail from Melmac) that the family doesn't believe him, even though every single day since his spaceship crashed into their work shed he's either tried to eat the cat or at least made a joke about it.

Am I missing something? Is this something that happens frequently in the real world? I'm honestly asking because I don't think I've ever falsely accused anyone of anything...ever. Nor would I put up with some asshole, who in the past has repeatedly done whatever he was accused of, incredulously pontificate about how hurt he is that his accusers would think so little of him. No way in hell. That little sermon would end real fast.

Bag Ladies...And Gentlemen

I think people under-appreciate the value of a good bagger at the supermarket. That shit's a science. Separate hot from cold, soft from hard, heavy from light, double-bag when necessary...the permutations are endless, and there's a whole hierarchy involved. And for all the times they get it right, you really only notice when they screw up (an egg is cracked, your chips are crushed, your cold drink isn't cold anymore because it's next to your soup, etc.), and that doesn't seem fair.

That's Just Maff

I saw a store recently, and painted on the window, like, permanently stenciled and painted on the window, were the words, "We are always 50% off!" Ummm...then no, you're not. Get it? It's not like this place carried other people's products and then sold those for half the normal listing price; this was a boutique clothing store with its own line. If you're always 50% off, then that's just 100% the price. Sorry.

Pump The Brakes, Shorty

Pet peeve: when people continue to call/text/email when you haven't called, texted, or written back yet. I'm not retarded. I'm not gonna suddenly have time now that you called for the sixth time in a row. I'll get back to you, though your incessant badgering is making my subconscious want to punish you by never responding. Chill.

Legal Advice

I was talking to some friends the other day, and we were trying to figure something out. We have naked pictures of girls we hooked up with in high school, that we took, consensually, back when we, too, were in high school. So if our apartments were ever raided (for God knows what reason), and they found those pictures (which would be kinda nice, because I can't remember where they are), could we be convicted of being in possession of child pornography?

I said, no, because the photographs were taken by us when we were underage, as well. There's no way you're required to sift through all of your pictures immediately upon turning 18 and throw out any "inappropriate" (i.e. - so appropriate) ones. That pretty clearly seems to be too big of a burden placed on the average citizen in terms of forcing him/her to take action.

A more interesting, grayer-area question would be, what if you were caught in the act of masturbating to said photos? Aha!

Also, as a fun exercise, we came up with a few more intriguing, Talmud-esque variations on this theme: what if you're caught in possession of a picture of yourself from when you were still a minor? And, what if you get caught whacking it to that old picture of yourself?! Is it still illegal, even though it's you?! Furthermore, another friend added this wrinkle: what if you accidentally stumble upon an old picture of a young, naked girl from your high-school days while with a girl (of legal age), and that girl you're with starts jerking you off to the picture of the underage girl, so that you had no active role in it?!

These are the topics they should be broaching in Philosophy 101 at colleges. Not this Descartes and Kant crap... By the way, if anyone has any actual answers or interesting opinions on these matters, please feel free to comment.

(Special thanks to "The Universe," "Paps," and Pete...)

Uni-tard

I saw some girl on a unicycle the other day. She was riding it all casually and stopped right in front of me and pretended to read a sign, as if it's normal to ride a unicycle, and she's not a complete fucking freak who's screaming for attention.

Billie Fucking Jean

How many times can one song be played over the course of nearly thirty years and still make you want to sing along every time?!?!

All for Naught

I hate theater. Plays, musicals . . . I'm sorry, but they're just awful. Yes, all of them. Singing your lines? Seriously? Get the fuck out of my face with that. It just requires way too much suspension of disbelief. I can't get into it.

Look, I understand why plays were great when that was the best we could do, but we've advanced since then! You don't see people using ice boxes anymore; we stopped when the refrigerator came along. That's why we have movies now, where we get to make sure everything looks and sounds right (theoretically, of course. In actuality, most of these are complete shit bombs, too...just not as bad as plays) before we parade them around for public consumption. You're not confined to one stage or limited set dressing and props, or constrained by the time it takes your actors to change outfits...

Yes, I appreciate that much theater is very artfully written, and I appreciate that live performances require much more skill and effort on the part of the actors...I just don't care! I care about the end product. It's wasted effort, if you ask me.

Still with the Cancer?

So, my last post, a response to the negative responses to my cervical cancer joke, got more responses than the original post that prompted my first response. Therefore, in the interest of fairness, I've chosen to reprint one of the responses from a friend whose opinion I respect, and my response to that response. Pretty responsible of me, huh?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the number of responses actually reflects the veracity of an argument. I don't think truth should be determined democratically. Everyone thought the Earth was flat, but that didn't make it so. Likewise, most people believe in God...

Point is, I thought this was an eloquent analysis of why people may have been/should have the right to be offended. Whether I agree or not, it forced me to more clearly state why I feel the way I do. Anyway, if you're still reading, here's his response, followed by mine...

HIM: "I just saw your last blog post about cancer. I totally respect that your stance is nothing is too sacred to joke about, and in fact, that is often a great way to make the tragic moments in life more bearable. It's a totally reasonable position, but you seem so dismayed that not everyone feels this way!

"You have to acknowledge that some of your fans/readers just don't agree with your stance on everything, no? That's the beauty of your blog: you write funny, controversial stuff and you don't compromise or pander. But the trade-off is that that you have to respect everyone else's viewpoints as well and take pains not to use your blog as a "bully pulpit." I don't think they are being quite as unreasonable as you seem to think. Some people take stuff more seriously than you do (or at least more seriously than you do in your blog)--that's okay, too.

"Thank god we live in America. I wouldn't want an authoritarian regime to tell me I had to make light of everything any more than I would want to be told that everything must be deadly serious."

ME: "I agree with most of what you're saying. One of my major issues with life/humanity is that I feel people take things WAY too seriously. I feel like so many people often SEEK OUT reasons to be offended and be self-righteous...maybe because it makes them feel better about their own shortcomings when they get to preach to other people about how they should be more sensitive? I really think the world would be a lot better off if people weren't so easily outraged about stuff that's not even intended as an attack.

"Now, granted, I most certainly represent the other extreme. There's probably a pretty strong argument that I don't take things seriously enough, and that's likely because, relative to the rest of the world, I've led an extremely charmed life (though I think that's also my natural disposition). I just find it amusing when people who read my blog, and know me, and know what I write about, and tell me how hilarious they find other stuff that can be interpreted as way more offensive than that one joke, then draw arbitrary lines in the sand. So I felt the need to explain why I think that liking that joke, and the joke itself, in no way SUPPORTS cancer, which is what would be offensive. No one HAS TO find it funny, but I guess I do kinda feel they HAVE TO not be offended by it. . . .

"Amendment: like you said, you can't mandate emotional states, so maybe I shouldn't say you CAN'T be offended, but if you are, you should be required to understand WHY before you open your trap!"

Done. Thanks for reading...

Cancer Isn't Funny

Duh. We can all agree on that, right? Apparently not. I've received several less-than-thrilled responses to my previous post ( http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/10/joke.html ). But you know what? I'm glad. Because this gives me the opportunity to discuss why people are illogically over-sensitive.

Clearly (I fucking hope!), I do not support cervical cancer. Clearly, being a fan of my blog does not mean that you support cervical cancer...even if there is a joke in which "cervical cancer" is the punchline posted on my blog. Furthermore, actual cancer is not what makes the joke in which "cervical cancer" was the punchline funny. The humor lies, first, in the misdirection of the question, and then in the absurdity of making a joke whose punchline is "cervical cancer," because it's SO clear that cancer is not funny. Laughing at this joke in no way demands that you find cancer funny. Just because the word "cancer" is said, and there's a joke in the immediate vicinity, does not mean you are required to be offended.

My father had a very scary episode with a brain tumor a few years back; that does not preclude me from enjoying the scene in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold Schwarzenegger screams, "It's not a tumor!" just because it's a joke in which "tumor" is the punchline.

So, in conclusion, all offendees can now relax in knowing that their readership in no way condones or contributes to the spread of actual cervical cancer in any way. You're welcome.

Joke

Q: What's black and eats a lot of pussy?




A: Cervical cancer.

I Might As Well Get An Ed Hardy T-Shirt While I'm At It

I recently caved and got a Blackberry because my old flip phone finally died on me...may she rest in peace. I instantly became a douche. It was incredible. There was no adjustment period or gradual, Kafkaesque metamorphosis. I'm on it constantly, I'm rude as hell whenever people are around, and I'm perpetually unaware of my surroundings. I really hope the novelty wears off soon, because otherwise, I am going to plunge to cavernous depths of self-loathing...

The Eternal Optimist

I just realized that it's still possible for me to fulfill one of my childhood dreams: a threesome with Nicole Eggert and Alyssa Milano. In fact, I would argue that it becomes even more possible with each passing year.