You Think The Honey Badger Cares?

I've been obsessed with this video for weeks.  You will thank me for this.  If you don't find this funny, you're probably not human . . . or just not funny, yourself (if you're getting this via email, do yourself the favor and go to the actual site so you can watch):



Okay, bonus videos...

Vampire bats:



Great whites:



(Thank you, Wexies!)

We're Not So Different, You And I...

I look at women the same way they look at babies and puppies: Awww, I want that!  But then, once I get it home, I realize it's way more responsibility than I was ready for.  So why do women pretend to not understand men's desire for variety?

How about another analogy: shoes.  I know it's cliche, but women love shopping for, and purchasing, new shoes.  They have a perfectly good pair at home, but that doesn't curb their desire for new and different ones.  Get it?  Neither party has to act on these desires in either scenario, but that doesn't preculde said desires' existences. 

To be fair, buying new shoes usually does not result in the emotional crushification of another human being.

At Least I'm Not A Kid Diddler

You know what I realized the other day?  I generally won't jaywalk if there are kids around.  Just in case they're not paying any attention (which is pretty much their default setting) and run out into the street because they peripherally see me start to go.

See, I'm not all bad.  Life is like prison; there's a hierarchy.  Like, in a prison of murderers and thieves, they can still find the moral high ground to pass judgment on the lowly child molesters . . . and rape them.

"Real" Ingredients. Sure.

I hate these Domino's Pizza commercials where there's a Q&A session with "real" people, when suddenly, the walls collapse and reveal a lush lea where Domino's ingredients are supposedly grown.  The test group members are utterly shocked by what they see . . . but . . . did they fucking teleport there?  Wouldn't they have noticed the vast acreage of farmland when they pulled up to get paid in free-pizza coupons for answering questions about delivery fast food?  I'm not buyin' it.  Here's one of the commercials:

Counter-Insurgency

I hate when you pay for something, and you hand the cashier your credit card, and they swipe the card and then put it on the counter instead of handing it back to you.  If I hand you something that's mine, for temporary use, you hand it back to me.  You don't put it down on an other-people's-filth-encrusted, wet, sticky counter top.  That's just rude!  Next we'll work on eye contact and saying "you're welcome."

Shooting Oneself in the Foot

One downside of writing an unfiltered, stream-of-consciousness blog is that it prevents your exes from ever having a chance to miss you.  You know that dark side of you that secretly hopes your ex-gee-effs-slash-bee-effs will die miserable and alone never having ever gotten fully over you? . . . No?  Just me? . . . Tough crowd . . .

Anyway, I feel like this blog allows my ex-girlfriends to enjoy my humor without having to sleep with my marginally-above-average (?) physique.  In fact, not only will they not have the opportunity to miss me while over-idealizing the times we shared, there's a strong argument to be made that this blog actually, specifically reminds them of all the things that really annoyed them about me in the first place!

So, again . . . you're welcome!

Robin Hood That Shit!

You know how when celebrities go to restaurants, or bars, or clubs, they get treated like royalty and are often comped?  I take issue with this.  Why is the wealthiest, most successful person in the establishment getting his/her shit for free?  It's insulting.

So I propose the following: every time a rich and famous person dines out and the management would have covered his/her tab, one lucky table of other, regular diners gets its meal on the house, and the celebrity, who now pays for his own meal, gets the credit.  Like, "Gentlemen, your meal is on the house this evening, courtesy of young Master Bieber..."  Bieber tips his fresh-out-of-the-box purple Yankees cap to you, you nod back...  Everyone wins in this scenario!  The randomly selected table enjoys a surprise gift, the rich dude feels good about himself, and restaurant management probably ends up covering a cheaper tab because the comped patrons didn't know their meal was going to be free prior to ordering, while also drumming up a little extra business with a new gimmick... Whaddaya think?!

Then again, maybe people who haven't done anything special enough to be rich and recognized don't deserve a free ride...those useless, faceless, sycophantic leeches...

(Just so yous know, I wrote this post BEFORE I found the accompanying picture.  I had no idea Bieber had a purple Yankees hat.  That was just supposed to be a joke.)

The End of the NFL...For A While?

In light of the NFL season coming to a close, and especially given the looming threat of an increasingly likely lockout, I want to post some comments Hines Ward made prior to the Super Bowl because, while I don't particularly like the Steelers (too rapey), I like that Ward usually speaks pretty candidly about the hypocrisies of the League's administration.  Also, I think he has a very strong point here.  For context, NFL players were shown an instructional video outlining the new guidelines regarding what types of hits are appropriate, and which ones are illegal and therefore subject to heavy fines/suspensions.  Those guidelines are notoriously ambiguous, and the fines levied, very player-specific (though often deservedly, given certain players' histories).

Here's what Ward said: "Man, nobody paid attention to that video. We don’t know what they want. They’re so hypocritical sometimes. They came out with these new helmets that are supposed to stop concussions. If they care so much about our safety, why don’t they mandate that we wear the new ones? If they’re so worried about what concussions will do to us after our careers, then guarantee our insurance for life. And if you’re going to fine me for a hit, let the money go to veteran guys to help with their medical issues. To say the league really cares? They don’t give a fuck about concussions. And now they want to add on two extra games? Are you kidding?"

Doesn't bode well for next season...

Re: NFL Punt Returns...

How does someone not die on every punt return?!

Buzz Killingtons

Mexicans, Blacks, Jews, Gays . . . they all seem to have pretty good senses of humor when it comes to people poking fun at their denominations.  The most humorless people in the world?  Religious Christians and Muslims.  How annoying are these people?  It's like two groups comprised entirely of members who take themselves really really seriously . . . and those are the worst kind of people.  They really need to learn perspective.

These people exist as members of general population, as well, but mainly as outliers.  We all know that one jackass who ruins every joke by knowing someone who's afflicted by whatever it is you're making fun of.  You make a racist joke, and he goes, "My friend is black, and his dad was lynched."  You make a mom joke, his mom's dead.  You say "retard," his brother's Gilbert Fucking Grape.

I knew a guy like this growing up, and someone made an orange juice joke.  Orange juice!  Everyone was laughing, and then parade-rainer goes, "I knew this guy, who was tripping on acid, and he thought he was a cup of orange juice, and he wouldn't let anyone touch him because he was scared he would spill," which I thought was actually funnier than the original joke.  But no.  He couldn't even let me have that.  He followed that one up with, "No, I'm serious.  It was really bad.  His parents had to put him in a mental institution and everything."

Uggghhhhh . . .

AFHV

I had a thought the other day: Wouldn't it be awesome if they made America's Funniest Home Videos: The After Show? They could show the hysterical, slapstick clips and the audience cracking up from the original airing of the show first, then interview the people who were in the clip, in current time, still severely crippled even after years of slightly-less-hilarious physical therapy...

Holocaust Humor

My student told me this one:

"Did you know my great-grandfather died during the Holocaust?  . . . He fell off a guard tower."