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I was talking to a friend today, and she commented that there's someone in her life who she would gleefully murder if she were guaranteed not to get caught. She said she'd gut him like a fish and then bathe in his blood-soaked entrails. Okay, she didn't say that last part, but that's not really the point. The point is, it made me re-ponder a question that I probably ponder way more often than is healthy: do I think I could commit a homicide and not get caught?

Yes. That's the short answer. Let me clarify that I'm referring to premeditated murder, of course. If you do it in the heat of passion, you're gonna fuck up and make a mistake. Anyway, I think I've watched enough episodes of First 48 (AMAZING show, by the way. Watch it!) to know that these degenerate criminals get caught because they're stupid . . . usually. Sometimes there's some really awesome detective work. A lot of the time, in fact. But even with great detective work, so many of these cases hinge entirely upon either an anonymous tip or a confession.

What I've been able to gauge thus far is, if you know the person you murder, it's probably going to be pretty tough to get away with. But if you can stick to murdering a complete stranger . . . you're golden. Only problem is, you probably really only want to kill jackasses you know. If there's a car involved, definitely burn it. The detectives are always pissed when the car is burned. Actually, I think I'm going to stop telling people how to murder someone and get away with it. As much as I hate people and think there are a lot of humans the world would be a better place without, it's probably the real assholes who would actually follow through with the murders, which would make this post completely counterproductive. . . . Okay, just one more thing, though: I'd probably feed the remains to a dog, or something. I've always felt like that would be an excellent way to dispose of a body. Just don't feed it to your dog, moron.

Bottom line, at the end of the day, it's probably not worth the risk of getting caught or the lifetime of showers that just never leave you feeling clean. If you hate someone enough to murder them, you would never want to risk having them or their loved ones know that you suffered as a result of them. It would really negate the whole point of slaughtering them in the first place, as amazing as that would feel. Just fantasize about it like a normal person and leave it at that. Still, though, I'm just sayin' . . . if it came down to it, I think I could get away with murder.

(Special thanks to Adriana for having violent tendencies...)