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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Only Sailors Use Condoms!

Really, Science? Is this the best you can do? How badly do these things suck?! Kids aren't having unprotected sex because they're irresponsible, or lazy, or under-educated. They're having unprotected sex because condoms fucking suck, and sex feels a gazillion times better without them!

You'd think they'd be working around the clock on this problem. There can't be much money in physics or geology, but I bet if you came up with a contraceptive that actually let you feel your cock being enveloped by the soft, comforting vaginal canal, you'd be neck deep in cash. You'd be bathing in gold coins like you're in motherfucking Duck Tales!

Seriously, shouldn't there be some new, revolutionary condom on the market at least once a year? I know they release these new ones that are supposed to be thinner and feel better, but they're exactly the same. Give me a protective spray, or something. That's it! A spray-on condom! No? Can't that be done?! Please!

I mean, the dudes who made Extenze are raking it in, and that's probably just a goddamn sugar pill! Shouldn't the money be incentive enough? C'mon, Science. Get your shit together.

I almost feel like there's some right-wing, Evangelical Christian conspiracy limiting government funding for condom research because Jesus wants us to have even more retarded babies who flagrantly sap Earth's limited resources. So once again, this all brings us back to the evils of religion. If there were a God, we wouldn't need condoms. Case closed.


  1. dude, I don't know what that rant is all about...but all I knows is that Duck Tales motherfuckin' rules...

  2. Duck Tales, kicking some ASS with the reference.

    Men hating condoms is why you have a cousin Dan, I banked on that!