Piss Off!

I hate urinals. Public restroom in general, I guess, but urinals are a particularly vile feature. Yeah, in theory they're really convenient, but they disgust me. Everything about them. The gross smell of the urinal cake mixed with the unflushed urine. The splash-back that ricochets off the porcelain when you pee in them. The whole uncomfortably social nature of them. They're so close together, and often there's no divider, and there's usually a puddle of piss at the base of them, and people hock loogies into them while pissing, and then it's eerily silent so the guy next to you tries to make awkward chit-chat.

One of the funnier/grosser aspects is when a guy sidles up right next to you and just shamelessly tears ass. I mean, I know it's a bathroom, but can't you step more than six inches away from me for a second? Imagine how that guy would react if you stood right next to him while waiting to cross the street and just blasted him. Probably not well.

And don't even get me started on the trough. When the trough is in play, people actually think it's okay to squeeze in next to you. It is wholly unacceptable to be handling your dick while in contact with another, strange man. Unless you're gay or in a porno . . . or both. If you need to physically touch another human being in order to take a piss, then you're not being patient enough. If you've ever tried to pee at a trough at a bar, while sober, surrounded by drunk guys . . . then you know it's not possible. It can't be done.

Which brings me to my next point: the best way for me to gauge my level of intoxication is by my willingness to use a urinal. My blood alcohol content is directly proportional to my yen for a urinal. That is, the more booze I consume, the more likely I am to use the urinal. At four drinks, I might give it a shot, although if the guy next to me starts talking, I'll head for the stall. At eight drinks, I'll be the guy talking to you at the urinal, and maybe even patting you on the back as I head for the sink. Because even if I'm hammered, I wash my fucking hands, you savages!