Bitches Ain't Shit (in the Humor Department)

Sorry. I know the title is a little harsh, but the point is, women aren't funny. Yeah, I said it. Think about it. What women come to mind when you think of comedy? Margaret Cho, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres? Those are some of the few female comedic icons. What do they all have in common? Lesbians. There are certainly great exceptions, Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Parker Posey (who, if you ask me, do have some pretty masculine tendencies, but are all still relatively attractive and funny and straight . . . as far as I know), but it seems to me that you usually need some high testosterone levels to be a funny woman (Roseanne Barr and Lisa Lampanelli are straight, too, but fat and manly).

I know this sounds sexist, and I guess it is, but think about your funniest friends, too. They're probably male. Probably. But I'm not just going to make such a radical statement without providing you with what I think is a logical explanation for this: Evolution. As is often the case, this magical Evolution, that a pretty significant portion of the population somehow dismisses in favor of Creationism (oh, Jesus . . . pun intended), does a pretty damn good job of explaining why guys would be funny while girls would not be.

According to Evolution, women don't need to be funny. It's as simple as that. Men do. Men don't care if women are funny, but women certainly care if men are funny. Women didn't and don't need to make us laugh, because we already wanted/want them. And this has been true for a long time. The ability to make a woman laugh has been very important for men . . . I'd say, for as long as we've existed. Women need to have a sense of humor, because they have to get the jokes that the men deliver, but this shouldn't be confused with actually being funny. How else do you explain Jewy schlubs like Woody Allen, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, and David Schwimmer being able to attract women? I guess their money helps, too, huh. But my guess is they still did alright for themselves even before they were loaded because they're funny, and women need to be amused in order to be attracted to men.

I'm open to counter arguments, but I don't want to hear, "you're wrong because my friend, Lindsey, is hysterical. Whenever we go out drinking, she says . . ." There are exceptions. I said that. Though your friend Lindsey probably isn't funny to any members of the male gender. And she's probably fat.