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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Nice Honkers

I hate people who honk immediately when they come to pick someone up. How fucking rude and self-centered are these assholes? There's unwritten pick-up etiquette, that should probably be enacted into law, that clearly states (if you're not a selfish retard) that there's a whole check-down list of behaviors before resorting to honking your horn. Let me preface this by saying that between the hours of midnight and 10:00am, you are not permitted to honk your horn at all . . . whatsoever.

First, before you even get there, you text or call to alert the person mooching a ride to your imminent arrival. Then, when you get there and they're not outside waiting for you, which they never are, you text to let them know you've arrived.

Now, wait one to two minutes . . .

If they don't respond to the text, then you call. If they don't pick up the call, wait another one to two minutes . . .

If you still haven't heard from them at this juncture, you may opt to send an optional follow-up text letting the person for whom you are waiting know that he/she is being an asshole. You're being kind enough to do the driving; the least he/she can do is be punctual. How hard is that? (Answer: apparently very hard.)

Finally, at the five-minute mark, you are permitted one quick "toot" of the horn. Not even a "honk," but a "toot," if you will. This lasts a mere fraction of a fraction of (that's not a typo) a second. You cannot, under any circumstances (other than for dire, life-threatening emergencies . . . or sex), lean on your horn. It's not everyone else's fault your buddy's rubbing one out before he leaves, or your girlfriend is still flat-ironing her frizzy pube hair. Your asshole friend's douchebaggery is not everyone in the neighborhood's problem! Seriously. If you honk your horn for a sustained length of time, or multiple times, just to alert one inconsiderate prick to your presence, then you're even worse. At least your friend is only silently inconveniencing one person, whereas you are being more offensive than a dingleberry entangled in the assy taint pubes of Jared Fogle and Kirstie Alley's love child . . . if they were permitted to breed . . .

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