Mazel Tov!

One of my best friends, since first grade, is getting married this weekend. I love him like a brother . . . and for one fateful summer, like he was Heidi Klum . . . And his wife-to-be is pretty awesome too, which is so great and important, because how much does the prospect of your best friend marrying a dirty dirty bitch whore suck?! But all of this brings me to my unfortunate conclusion: weddings are so fucking presumptuous!

So let me get this straight, you two have been dating for the last six years, and now we're all supposed to feign excitement at the notion of you two . . . continuing to do the exact same thing you've been doing? Only now, it's going to cost me.

There's the bachelor party planning, the bachelor party itself, the tux fitting, the final tux fitting, the tux rental fee, the dress rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, the photo sessions, the wedding gift . . . and this guy's as low maintenance as they come. He didn't even make us do an engagement party or anything.

Girls have it even worse! I mean, I have to do all that shit, but at least the guy's usually apologetic about it. "Sorry. I know this is a pain in the ass. It's a pain in the ass for me, too, trust me." Girls don't apologize for this stuff. They demand. It's their day and they'll be DAMNED if you're going to ruin it.

If you're a female, and you're remotely close to the bride, you have so many more responsibilities than guys. There's the bridal shower, of course. Then they have the bachelorette party, but it's so much more serious than the bachelor party. Girls send out formal invitations, they have to buy penis straws, and penis veils, and those stupid fucking tiaras! Women also have to incur the insane cost of the inevitably ugly bridesmaid dress. You know the bride always picks ugly, foofy, bow-laden dresses intentionally because she wants to make herself look extra good. And the girls really have to pretend to be excited about every step of the process or the bride will never forget. It'll be 20 years later and she'll be like, "remember how Gina didn't smile in our wedding pictures? She ruined the whole day."

And then there are the secretly bitter, jealous bridesmaids whose boyfriends haven't proposed yet (assuming they even have boyfriends) even though they've been together for two years already and they're not getting any younger, so they're resentfully gritting their teeth the whole time. You never hear a groomsman lean over to his buddy and whisper something about how he wishes he were the one getting married.