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Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I passed one of those airport shuttle vans today, and on the side of the van was written, "We're on time or you don't pay!" Oh, gee, thanks. So if you don't properly perform the sole purpose for which I am hiring you, and I miss my $500 flight as a result, you'll forget about the $20 I was supposed to pay you to make sure I caught that flight in the first place? Yeah, that sounds fair. And that goddamn exclamation mark is just adding insult to injury, too, because it's like it's telling me I'm supposed to be excited about this worthless guarantee.

This isn't Domino's fucking Pizza, people! How about, "We're on time or you don't pay . . . the $150 it's going to cost you to reschedule your flight."? That would feel a little more like justice.

And speaking of Domino's, has anyone seen these new Jim Breuer Pizza Hut commercials, where he screams, "jackpot!" with his retarded, crack-baby eyes? Now's when I would say something like, "my, how the mighty have fallen," but I think you have to have been mighty at some point in the past for that idiom to actually apply. Pizza Hut really loves these no-longer-famous, sketch-comedy-show dropouts. Remember, Tommy Davidson, who I recently saw in a Las Vegas strip club bathroom wearing track pants and a blue tooth, used to do their P'zone commercials? Ahhh, Tommy D...

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