All The Single Ladies...

Am I way off base here or is Beyonce a terrible dancer? She looks epileptic...

Do You Cath'?

Possibly my favorite informercial of all time. I may have posted it before, but it's so good I don't care. Poor Holly...

Human Extinction

My once-good friend, Alice (soon to be peripheral friend if she doesn't call me back really fucking soon!), recommended a great book about evolution called The Third Chimpanzee, by Jared Diamond, that I'm almost finished with now. One of the sections I found particularly interesting talks about our innate tendencies toward xenophobia. We don't like strange things and we never have. This is why we've been racist, this is why ancient tribes warred with other tribes, this is why marauding bands of chimps have been seen carrying out stealth, brutally violent raids on other chimps in neighboring territories. At an earlier stage in history, our simple rubric was, outsider = bad, insider = good. That gave us, and those closest to us, with whom we shared the most genes, have the best chances of survival.

However, what makes this not-so-novel concept so intriguing, now, is that technology has advanced to the point where we have created weapons that are capable of destroying our entire planet many times over, by simply pressing a button. This makes us historically unique. And that immense power, coupled with our innate fear and distrust of outsiders, doesn't exactly bode well for humanity. There's a reasonable probability of us going extinct as a result of a worldwide nuclear war, triggered, fundamentally, by this xenophobia.

The flip side of that is that technology has allowed us to transcend borders, and has created a more global community. There are few, if any, remaining undiscovered people; the last significant find in that department was in New Guinea, in 1938. We now readily see different people of different colors with different cultures all over TV and the Internet, and as a result, there is a much greater cultural exchange and understanding. But, with this increased exchange also comes a dissolution of cultural diversity. Internationally, almost everyone drinks Coke, almost everyone knows McDonald's, almost everyone listened to Michael Jackson...and while it's kind of awesome to share things on such a broad level, it's also kind of tragic for cultures to lose their individuality.

So, ironically, maybe the best chance we have at survival as a species is the completion of this global homogenization, where we sacrifice cultural diversity in exchange for security. Because if we're all the same, then we'd no longer be threatened by outsiders because we'd all be insiders. And that's amazing, the notion of becoming one giant family with shared interests, but it's also seriously depressing, the thought of losing what makes different parts of the world distinct. I hope it doesn't have to be one OR the other...but people don't tend to do so well with gray scenarios. In the words of Stewie Griffin, "Life's confusing when you grow up, isn't it, Brian?"

The Glass Menage

Inevitably, during a coed conversation about fantasies, a guy will mention a threesome with two girls. And, inevitably, a girl will condescendingly exhale and respond with, "You think you can pleasure two girls at once?" . . . Ummm, I don't know. Maybe. But who cares? What part of "fantasy" did you not understand? This is about me, and two girls worshipping my balls. What part of stressing out about simultaneously getting two girls off is remotely fantastical? No one said anything about "realistic." The fantasy isn't to please two girls at once, it's for two girls to fight over my dick . . . among other things. Too crude? I never know.

Oh, and another thing: there's little more frustrating than when a girl tells you she would consider a threesome with another girl . . . just not with you because she likes you too much and would get jealous. Arrrgggghhhh! Like me less then! Why the hell are you telling me that?! If you know you would, but wouldn't with me, then lie to me and say you would never do it, because as far as I'm concerned, that's a fact! Once we break up, you can do whatever sick (translated: hot) shit you want when I don't know about it. Some scumbag you don't respect, with tattoos, and a leather jacket, and long, greasy hair, who doesn't enrich your life or fulfill you in any way can reap the benefits of my efforts to open your mind. That sounds totally fair . . . I think I'm gonna go buy a leather jacket and cancel my haircut appointment for tomorrow . . .

Kids Today... I Tell Ya...

Today is my birthday. So now that I'm old, I thought it fitting that I complain about today's youth. Not the teenagers, with their flashy phones, and their Internets, and their Twitter, and their abbreviations, and their complete and utter inability to spell anything without Spell Check. I mean the young ones. Humor an old man while he waxes poetic about a Golden Age that never was...

When I was a kid, I knew to say "excuse me" if I bumped into someone. I knew to say "please," and "thank you," and "sorry." I knew to cover my fucking mouth when I sneezed.

Kids are maniacs nowadays! At least the ones I see unleashed on the general public. It's complete anarchy. People are scared to tell kids what to do, or something...because they're so fragile and delicate? If we don't tell them how things work then they don't know how things work. Novel idea, I know. We're creating future monsters who think the rules don't apply to them...because they don't even know the fucking rules in the first place! But this hearkens back to my sentiments about degenerates breeding. The parents are no better than their little shit, waste-of-space offspring, which I guess makes sense.

Anyway, I've become that old man who's decided to take it upon himself to educated your savage children. I'll totally call them out in public, now, and tell them to say "please," or "thank you," or "excuse me." Shit, I do it to adults, too. If I hold a door for someone, and he/she neglects to say "thank you," I'll say "you're welcome" way louder than necessary in the hopes of making them just a little less self-absorbed.

I was in line with a friend one time, and this ill-mannered, bastard spawn of Satan was bouncing around like a spider monkey on meth, and he fucking sneezed, full-blast, right on my leg! I stopped him and said (not all that warmly), "We cover our mouths when we sneeze." He got scared and started crying, and my friend goes, "Awww. You're so mean. You just ruined his whole day." Good! I'm glad I ruined his day! I bet you he remembers to cover his goddamn germ-infested trap next time he sneezes! I did everyone a service! I do the world small favors like this all the time, and never once a "thank you."

It's Your Fault

How about this? If you pass on your bad genes, you can't yell at your kids.

I feel this way when I see an unkempt, obese, fanny-pack-donning mom, and her dumpy, acne-faced clone of a daughter, and the mom yells at the daughter for something stupid. I wanna be like, "Don't yell at her! Haven't you done enough to this poor girl already?! Don't add insult to injury. If she's an idiot, it's your fault!"

Play It Again! Play It Again!

I feel like men and women's different music-listening styles reflect their general dating philosophies. Women find a song they like, and play the shit out of it, over and over and over again, until it's been beaten to death, whereas men constantly change the radio station or skip to the next song in search of something better... Actually, not necessarily better, so much as different. They need to know what they're missing.

Advice

Do me a favor, don't ask for my advice if you're gonna argue with me. You gave me the facts (as you see them), you asked for my opinion...that's my answer. You don't have to follow my advice, it's just advice, but don't ask if you only want to hear exactly what you already think, which is what got you into your retarded situation in the first place and led you to come to me for a solution.

VD

How apt is it that the initials for Valentine's Day are VD, huh? Anyway, I guess I feel obligated to write something, since it's such a loathsome holiday.

First, I know I've complained about this previously, right before The Holidays, but seriously, all the diamond ads on TV are obnoxious. They really need to revamp their marketing departments because I don't see how their ads appeal to men, whom they're supposedly targeting, in any way. They're nauseatingly cheesy and the acting is unfathomably terrible.

One especially bad one this year, for JC Penny, I think (shocker), says something like, "Stay out of the dog house," or "avoid the dog house," and then tells you to buy your girl diamonds. What the fuck?! How presumptuous is that?! You're either calling me an asshole and saying I'm already in the dog house, or you're calling my girlfriend/wife a superficial bitch who will send me to said dog house if I don't bribe her with expensive, precious gems. It does say something about JC Penny's clientele, I guess, that the company feels it can throw out an overused cliche about men being dogs, and that will impel those very men they're insulting to buy their merchandise. The whole charade is just rude. Don't try to pressure me into buying your shitty, cheap jewelry by telling me I'll be in trouble if I don't. Fuck you. Plus, I hate the term "dog house."

Bottom line, if you want to pressure men into buying jewelry for their significant others, show a guy surprising his (attractive) girl with a necklace or earrings, and her immediately dropping to her knees and unzipping his fly. Yes. It's really that simple. And we'll appreciate your honesty.

Second, re: Valentine's Day, and this goes for birthdays and Christmas/Hanukkah, too, there's gotta be some official rule instituted that delineates a minimum amount of time you have to have been with someone before you're obligated in any way. What do you think? Three months? Minimum? If we all agree on this, then there's no awkwardness. It's like, "Sorry, babe, my hands are tied. It's only been two months. You know the rules..." Problem solved.

English

I hate when people say "reoccurring dream" instead of "recurring dream."

LeBron > Kobe

That's right, I said it! Now can everyone else please, finally admit that LeBron is better than Kobe? If you don't care about NBA basketball, you can stop reading now.

The Lakers have won their last three consecutive games, decidedly, without Kobe Bryant in the lineup due to injury. They blew out three quality teams, by almost 15 points per game, without their supposed MVP candidate. The Cavs would be lucky to win three games out of 10 without LeBron in uniform. Oh, and by the way, LeBron had 32 points, 13 assists, and 8 rebounds in tonight's win over the reigning Eastern Conference Champions, the Orlando Magic, making that 13 wins in a row for Cleveland.

LeBron has single-handedly carried that team deep into the playoffs every year. Any time Kobe's won anything, he's had a ridiculously talented supporting cast. Give LeBron Shaq and Fisher in their primes; give LeBron Odom, Gasol, and Bynum. The NBA would be a joke and the season a formality.

In the 1o games before Kobe's departure, the Lakers only won six of 10, and of those six wins, five were against crap-ass, joke teams like the 76ers, the Wizards, the Clippers, the Pacers, the Bobcats, and my beloved, pathetic, Scott-Layden-Isiah-Thomas-eviscerated Knicks. All of those teams are way below .500 except for the Bobcats. The only decent team they beat during that stretch was the Celtics, who are ravaged by injury, and the Lakers only won that game by one! Then Kobe leaves...and the Lakers dominate against good teams.

Another thing, LeBron's teammates actually enjoy playing with him. Kobe's (not that) secretly hate him because he stifles ball distribution and snuffs out team chemistry by constantly berating his own guys.

I'll credit Kobe with being an extremely talented player and possessing that killer, competitive instinct that Jordan had, but he's no Jordan...and he's no LeBron. It's hard to fathom, but I think LeBron, somehow, still manages to be underrated.

Make Yourself At Home

My friend, Lisa, was at Starbucks recently and needed to use the restroom (number one). So she politely knocked on the closed door, and some guy popped his head out and said, "I'm gonna be a while. You can go first." Then he exited and let her in. So, first of all, gross. "I'm gonna be a while?" Dude, just do what you gotta do and move on.

Anyway, she walks in and sees that this guy has already "prepped" for the procedure. The paper's neatly, meticulously laid upon the toilet seat, his coffee's in there, and he has a book ready to go at the base of the toilet. Seriously? At this point, as she's telling me the story, I'm surprised there aren't any aromatherapy candles flickering with the lights dimmed.

My first instinct was to ask if it was a homeless guy, because then I would say he was actually being rather considerate. But she said it was some normal business dude in a tie. What a weirdo! Who shits in public restrooms unless it's an absolute emergency?! The only thing worse than going in a public place would be actually shitting your pants, and therefore, that's the only time it's acceptable...to avoid defecating in your jeans.

I'd say, on average, I probably only shit in one public restroom per year. I've still yet to go on an airplane...ever (knock on wood!). Girls have it easy, though, because they don't poop. Thank god, too, because that would be groooosssss...

Now You Know I Know You Already Know

One downside of writing The Curmudgeon reveals itself when I hang out with anyone who actually reads it. I go to say something, and they cut me off and go, "I know. You wrote about that in your blog." But they say it like I did something wrong! It's not like I stole someone else's line or idea! I wrote the fucking thing in the first place! And the point I was making was relevant to the conversation we were having. Was I not supposed to share it?! Goddamnit. That's what I get for thinking that what I have to say is so important it needs to be posted in a public forum...

OMGGGG

I saw someone write "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" re: someone's Facebook status the other day. Really? Laughing out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud?... You're a fucking idiot and really annoying.

"We're Walkin'!"

I asked this girl for her phone number recently, and she hesitated and went, "Uhhh...I'm kinda seeing someone right now, so I don't feel totally right giving my number out..." So I said, "No problem. I totally respect that. It was nice meeting you." And then I turned and started walking away. Before I could even take my second step, she was like, "W-w-w-wait! What's your name?..." And I was back in.

Now, this wasn't a conscious, strategic move by any means (though in the future it might have to be), but it occurred to me that this wasn't the first time that had happened, and it made me realize something: women are like car dealers; as soon as you threaten to walk away, they panic and scramble to come back with a better offer.

Ahhh, the negotiations of life . . .

Role Reversal

Is there anything more annoying than when the HOT and COLD are reversed on a faucet? Because it takes a good few seconds for the water temperature to accurately correspond to the amount you turned the tap, and by that point you're already soaped up and don't want to touch the handle again, so you end up washing your hands in freezing water or scalding the shit out of yourself.

Innovation

You know what's a great and elegantly simple invention? The locks on bathroom doors that say "OCCUPIED" when locked, and "VACANT" when unlocked. All public restrooms should have these.

You know what else would be a good invention? A fart silencer.

How Do I Tell Them That Because of the Unfreezing Process I Have No Inner Monologue?

A really hot mom walked by me today, with her baby in her arms, and the baby pointed at me and said, "Dada!" And I audibly said, "I wish." It just came out! She smiled.

You're Not That Attractive

This "doppelganger week" on Facebook is getting out of hand. For those of you fortunate enough not to have wasted brain space on learning what this is, let me ruin that for you and explain. You're "supposed to" change your Facebook profile picture to a picture of a celebrity who you resemble. But, what really happens is, ugly girls change their profile pictures to photos of celebrities they don't actually look anything like but really wish they did. They find one similar feature and cling to it. Fat chicks find an actress with their same hair color and big tits, Asians put up a picture of Lucy Liu, and redheads . . . well, there aren't any attractive redheads. So yet again, those poor gingers get the short end of the stick . . .