VD

How apt is it that the initials for Valentine's Day are VD, huh? Anyway, I guess I feel obligated to write something, since it's such a loathsome holiday.

First, I know I've complained about this previously, right before The Holidays, but seriously, all the diamond ads on TV are obnoxious. They really need to revamp their marketing departments because I don't see how their ads appeal to men, whom they're supposedly targeting, in any way. They're nauseatingly cheesy and the acting is unfathomably terrible.

One especially bad one this year, for JC Penny, I think (shocker), says something like, "Stay out of the dog house," or "avoid the dog house," and then tells you to buy your girl diamonds. What the fuck?! How presumptuous is that?! You're either calling me an asshole and saying I'm already in the dog house, or you're calling my girlfriend/wife a superficial bitch who will send me to said dog house if I don't bribe her with expensive, precious gems. It does say something about JC Penny's clientele, I guess, that the company feels it can throw out an overused cliche about men being dogs, and that will impel those very men they're insulting to buy their merchandise. The whole charade is just rude. Don't try to pressure me into buying your shitty, cheap jewelry by telling me I'll be in trouble if I don't. Fuck you. Plus, I hate the term "dog house."

Bottom line, if you want to pressure men into buying jewelry for their significant others, show a guy surprising his (attractive) girl with a necklace or earrings, and her immediately dropping to her knees and unzipping his fly. Yes. It's really that simple. And we'll appreciate your honesty.

Second, re: Valentine's Day, and this goes for birthdays and Christmas/Hanukkah, too, there's gotta be some official rule instituted that delineates a minimum amount of time you have to have been with someone before you're obligated in any way. What do you think? Three months? Minimum? If we all agree on this, then there's no awkwardness. It's like, "Sorry, babe, my hands are tied. It's only been two months. You know the rules..." Problem solved.