Apparently, A Wife Is A Panacea

I was complaining to my father about being sick and having a sore shoulder all week, and in his always-makes-whatever-he-says-funnier Israeli accent he goes, "That's why you need a wife!" So I sarcastically replied, "Sure, because a wife would make those things much better." To which he responded with, "No. She gonna be such a pain in the ass that you not gonna even feel these things! Ha-HA!"

I Love Basil

Wow. His name, apparently, is Basil Marceaux Dot Com...according to him, at least. This guy actually gets to appear on television as a candidate for Governor of Tennessee. Amazing:

Every Millisecond Counts

The other day some girl said to me, "I'm waiting to hear back from three different people." As opposed to three of the same people? Stop wasting my time.

Pull Your Pants Down

Okay, enough is enough. I thought this high-waisted style on girls would eventually go away on its own, but it clearly hasn't, so I feel it's time I cease being a spectator and . . . not actually do anything, but at least say something: it's ugly.

It's akin to short hair on a girl. If you're hot, you're probably gonna look hot in anything, including short hair and pants up to your titties, but that doesn't make it okay. Because you still look way better with long hair and regular-waisted pants, and more consequentially, you're tricking the borderline girls, whose wardrobes actually do affect their chances of getting guys, into wearing ridiculous, hideous outfits. And let's face it, didn't Sex and the City already do enough damage in that department?

And, like with short hair, girls like to tell other girls, "OMG, you look sooo cute!" when they wear high-waisted pants. Yeah, of course they're gonna say that; they know when they go out with you with that butch haircut and clown pants, you're one less person they have to compete with for male attention.

If you're a girl, and your friend tells you that you look cute with short hair and/or in high-waisted anything . . . she is not your friend. She's jealous of you and secretly hates you . . . or he's gay.

Hair Pubed

Holy shit. Oh, commercial makers, just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!

You're Dead To Me

I've found that post break-up, it's best if you treat the situation as though your ex has died; it makes it much easier. Because, it's like, sad, but you have no choice but to move on.

Come to think of it, if you stick to that story, it would probably actually help in picking up the next girl...you know, if you tell her your ex died...because of the sympathy points, and all. (They had a Seinfeld episode where, after George's fiance dies from licking poisonous wedding invitation envelopes, Jerry does some research with the waitresses at the local diner and they agree that being a widower is the sexiest break-up story.) Although, if things end up working out with the new girl, your entire relationship will have been predicated on a lie. But, if movies have taught us anything, it's that you can say whatever you want to get the girl in the first place, and as long as she falls in love with you, all you have to do is apologize for aforementioned lies and she'll stick around; just say you lied because she was so pretty, or something.

Jump to the 7:45 mark to see the Seinfeld clip I was talking about:

Yeah, It's Called A Job

Read this article: http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/110125/how-to-upgrade-an-old-phone-into-a-porsche

People are making a big deal out of this. Hello! He worked five to six hours a day for two fucking years to get a $9,000 car. Wow. What a prodigy! . . . Seriously, find some fucking actual news to report.

Breaking News!

I'm a control freak.

I know, this probably comes as a huge surprise. But I realized that this extends so far that it even affects my bodily response to alcohol. I have never African-Americaned* out from over drinking. God knows I've consumed enough alcohol in one sitting (admittedly, infrequently) for that to occur, but I've never forgotten what happened the night before, or lost track of big chunks of my evening due to brain-cell homicide. I'll puke before I black out. I am such a control freak that my body will physically reject the alcohol before it allows me to reach the point where I don't know what's going on . . . and I'm fine with that.

*credit goes to Galifianakis for the African-American joke.

Thong Tha-Thong Thong Thong!

For those of you who have forgotten, or never knew, I do private tutoring on the side...and by "on the side," I mean, it's the only way I actually earn money at this juncture. Yes, miraculously, parents trust me with their children. Anyway, here's a little story one of my students regaled me with the other morning. I don't remember his exact words, but this is a pretty spot-on representation of our conversation:

STUDENT: Hey, [Curmudgeon], can I tell you a story?

CURMUDGEON: Of course.

STUDENT: It's probably not appropriate, though.

CURMUDGEON: Then you probably shouldn't.

STUDENT: So this mornin', I woke up, and I was totally blue ballin', so I--

CURMUDGEON: --Okay, so this is the part where you stop telling me the story.

STUDENT: Nah, check it out, it's really funny, though.

CURMUDGEON: Dude.

STUDENT: So I was totally blue ballin' this mornin', so I went to the computer to go jerk off. And I was watching a video of this hot chick in a thong, and she had a great ass, and I was gettin' all into it. And then, she takes off her thong...and she has a dick! How fucked up is that?! So I turned the computer off.

CURMUDGEON: Okay, that was actually funny... Now take out your Chemistry syllabus.

The Freaks Come Out at Night...And During The Day

Next time you're in a populated public venue, like a cafe or supermarket, just stop for a second and look around. People are so fucking weird! . . . And disgusting.

Deception

I've been saying it for years! Women lure men in through massive deception. Makeup: your skin's not that smooth. Heels: you're not that tall. Padded/push-up bras: your titties ain't that good! And that's what the average girl does! Then there are the girls with the fake tanner, and the colored contacts, and the bleached hair, and the breast implants... What about you is real?!

Anyway, this girl agrees with me...only she's much funnier about it:

You're A Creep; You're A Weirdo

Isn't it creepy when someone is walking alone and laughing to himself/herself? Those were the kids in high school who walked through the halls avoiding eye contact at all costs.

You know what else is creepy? When people sniff their fingers...especially so if they scratch any part of their body first...

Naggers (It's A South Park Reference)

For those of you who don't know, Jesse Jackson claims that Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert's public sentiments re: LeBron are akin to a slave master's reaction to a runaway slave. Seriously, Reverend? You really lose credibility when you say shit like that. Just because someone is a dick to a black dude doesn't mean he's being racist. Gilbert threw an impetuous tantrum because he lost the entire economy of downtown Cleveland! If LeBron had been white, I'm pretty confident Gilbert would've been just as pissed... Yeah, right! Like a white guy would be that good at basketball...

Speaking of Neck Ties...

Question: Who invented ties, and why?

Follow up question: Why do we perpetuate the use of this ridiculous accessory? Think about how pointless this item of clothing is, not to mention uncomfortable, yet it is required in so many social situations. Can we move on from this, please? Time to evolve.

Douche of the Month

I saw a guy with an "Ain't Skeered" bumper sticker the other day. Actually, two of them. One on each end of his rear bumper. I don't even really know what to say. Not only is an "Ain't Skeered" bumper sticker absolutely retarded and totally insecure (no one said you were "skeered," dude. Chill.), but feeling that you agree so strongly with that sentiment that you need two of them is just off-the-charts inane. If that's not a douche, I don't know what is.

Very honorable mention: I saw another schmuck with a bumper sticker that said, "Get off my butt!" In addition to this stale cliche, said person had a personalized license plate that read, "NONKTIE." No Neck Tie. No shit; it's because you're unemployable. I shouldn't be able to tell from three seconds of looking at your automobile that you're an unfunny degenerate. This person needs to be strangled to death with a neck tie . . . if only for irony's sake . . .

El BJ

Okay, so I know the market is sufficiently saturated with LeBron talk, but as a brokenhearted, lifelong Knicks fan, I just needed to vent...to everyone. Look, I'm as upset as anyone that he went to the Heat, but don't you think everyone, including the Cavs' owner, is going a little overboard with the venomous critiques?

I'm a Knicks fan. Do you have any idea how hard that is?! (Keep it to yourselves, Cubs fans. No one cares about your mediocre city's mediocre team. You had Jordan. You're forever dead to me for all the times he ripped the Knicks' hearts out of their chests and took a steaming shit on them.) LeBron broke my fucking heart! BUT, he is still a fucking person. Are we really that shocked by his decision?

I mean, I think in the end, he cost himself the opportunity to truly challenge Jordan's legacy. (Keep it to yourselves, too, Kobe fans. Dude has five titles, but he was only Finals MVP for two of those. Jordan was Finals MVP in all six of his.) I think for LeBron to do that, he needed to go to Chicago (the smart choice) or stay in Cleveland (the loyal choice), or maybe go to New York (my choice). In Chicago he would've had a good, young team around him, that he could've carried to the Finals for many years to come, and it would have been his team. In Cleveland, he could've said, I'd rather die trying to bring a championship to my hometown than win somewhere else, and he would've been the loyal hero. In New York . . . I can't even talk about that anymore. He (and his formidable ego...which I think anyone in his position would possess) has to forever live with his decision to not go to these cities.

But let's not play dumb. Miami probably does offer LeBron the best chance of winning, and wasn't that the thing for which he was most heavily criticized?! Not winning a championship? So now he makes a decision to go to a team with the best players so that he has the best opportunity to win championships, and everyone's all over him for it. He gets to play with two of his buddies, who are also incredible basketball players . . . in South Beach! It's his life, his existence, and that sounds like a pretty fucking fun scenario to pass up, does it not? Miami was the fun choice. Can you blame someone for choosing quality of life above all else? So, he opted to have a better life, likely at the expense of ever being known as THE BEST to ever play the game. That's his choice. And, maybe it does mean that he doesn't have that competitive edge that made Jordan the best. So be it.

Ultimately, I guess I feel like a parent: I'm not mad at him . . . just disappointed . . .

Insult to Injury

The other day I saw a homeless woman walking back and forth at an intersection, asking for money, and she was holding her handwritten "HOMELESS & BROKE" sign upside down. That made me feel extra bad because it made the whole situation look extra pathetic, you know. . . . Then I thought, "Shit! Homeless and broke? I'm halfway there!"

Facebook Deductive Reasoning

Guess what? If a random girl contacts you on Facebook, and her profile picture has multiple females in it, one or more of whom is attractive . . . she's the ugly one. Sorry. A) If she were that attractive, she probably wouldn't be scouring the Internet for random potential serial killers. B) No hot chick's gonna risk being mistaken for her ugly friend. The other way around, however . . . Think about it.

Ambiguous Peripheral Greetings

I crossed paths with a neighbor of mine earlier this week, and as we were passing each other, I asked how she was doing. She replied, "Pretty good." And as we continued on our respective ways I said, "Good." I meant good as in, it's good that you're good, but I realized that it probably sounded like I thought she asked how I was doing back, which she did not, and I answered, "good." The ambiguity really annoyed me.

Everyone Stay Calm! I'm Parking Here!

I always find it funny when a driver takes off his/her seat belt in order to park. It all seems a bit dramatic, doesn't it? Is the seat belt really that restrictive?

Water Resistant Douches

So every Fourth of July for the last six years, my closest friends and I spend an amazing, semi-conscious, long weekend together in LA. This year was no exception, hence my relative neglect of The Curmudgeon. The most valuable take-away from this weekend was: I'm proud to say that I've never worn sunglasses and/or a fedora in the pool...

No, Seriously, Awesome Subwoofer, Bro...

I'm not a doctor or anything, but if you drive through quiet neighborhoods in the middle of the night with all your windows down and your music blasting, I'm pretty sure you're an inconsiderate asshole who's overcompensating for a tiny penis...