Big Blacks

I was walking down a side street the other day, and was about to cross to the other side when I saw two, 6'4"-ish, jacked black dudes walking towards me on my side of the street.  So, I held off on crossing the street and stayed on the same side until we passed each other because I know racist people have been known to cross the street when they see "dark" people coming their way, and I didn't want these guys to feel uncomfortable.  Does that mean I'm racist or highly empathetic?  (Because I feel like I'm often preoccupied with other people's comfort levels.)

But then I thought, "Wait!  Why should I have to carry other people's white guilt if my family was all in Eastern Europe during Slavery, then being butchered in the Holocaust, and then being discriminated against alongside black people right here in America prior to the Civil Rights Movement?!" 

But I guess that's why moderate Muslims who have never wronged anyone might feel compelled to be extra affable to compensate for their retarded, extremist brethren.  When you're a member of a group that includes high-profile assholes, it kind of falls on you to dispel popular misconception.  Accordingly, I always tip well . . . because I'm a Jew . . . unless the service was just awful, because they need to learn a lesson.  What am I, made of money?  Oy.

Traffic: Solved! . . . Partially

A few mornings ago, there were three different old people badly holding up rush-hour traffic at three separate junctures.  Like, severely fucking up the flow of traffic for everyone involved.  Now, I used to be all for keeping the elderly off the roads altogether, but I recognize that's unrealistic, impractical, and probably unfair.  (I still propose mandatory annual driving tests for anyone 70 and over, though.)

Anyway, this recent experience inspired a solution that I think could work: old people can't drive during morning and evening rush hours.  Simple and elegant.  It unclogs the roads at the busiest driving times and causes less stress for those older drivers who can't really handle busy roads at those high-traffic hours.  Whereas in the past, they might've been embarrassed to admit to being overwhelmed by the bustling activity of rush hour, now they'd have the perfect out, "I wish I could drive there now, but it's against the law!  My hands are tied."  Win-win.  Winning...

Women Are OBSESSED!

An unenlightening article.  Oh, women like being ignored?  Thanks for the news flash, assholes.  Now stop misallocating resources, and go invest that money in inventing condoms that don't deaden your penis nerves...

Best line: "The authors believe psychologists have underestimated the effects of a woman’s obsessing."

Here's the article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/13/fashion/13Studied.html?ref=fashion

(Thanks, Nads...)

Impish Imps

I was in Starbucks the other day and it was lousy with maniacal children.  One was trying to steal his mom's phone, and she kept holding it up and away from him as he jumped and screamed, instead of just smacking him like she should have; another was repeatedly smashing his toy into the table while his terrible father remained criminally silent; and then a third spawn of Satan knocked over the entire display rack of gift cards, VIA packets, and CD's.

Prognosis for the odds I will one day procreate: bleaker by the second.

Poor Parenting

If you're a girl, and you have a name that should end in "y," but ends in "i" . . . your parents did you a huge disservice.  They effed up.  Things will probably not go well for you . . . Brandi, Staci, Brittani, Traci, etc...

Marla Hooch...What A Hitter!

On my most recent flight from NY to LA, the two flight attendants in my section were Chris Farley and Marla Hooch.  Seriously, there needs to be some sort of size limit for this position, because if you can't walk through the aisle without shattering my scapula, even when my shoulder is not protruding into the aisle...then you're too big for your job.  Sorry.

If you absolutely feel you need to be in a job that prizes diffusion of responsibility and lacks human warmth and compassion, while still allowing you to be unhealthily overweight, may I suggest postal worker? . . . Or bank teller, or TSA employee, or a whole host of other bureaucratic  positions in local or federal government...

Best Clip EVER

Caught this one on The Soup a couple weeks back.  This might be my favorite clip ever in the history of the show.  (Watch it while you can; not sure how long it'll last up on YouTube):

Wanna Share A Cab?

My buddy was telling me about how he was out a couple weekends ago, and he and our other friend left the bar at the end of the night, and met a couple of also-drunk girls on the street, who proceeded to get in a cab with them to go to an undisclosed location of my friends' choosing.  We were marveling at how trusting girls can be in those situations (as I've often wondered before: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/12/i-like-challenge.html).  My retard friends happen to be pretty good guys; these inebriated ladies were doomed to nothing worse than a morning of minor self-loathing and shame.  But how do you get in a cab with a couple of guys you met on the street just seconds earlier?! 

Anyway, the rest of the conversation went like this:

ME: Can you imagine if the people we were sexually interested in were physically stronger than us?!  I'd never trust anyone; I'd be scared all the time!

FRIEND: I wouldn't.  Because I'd want them to rape me.

Fashion Tip

If your fat rises and wraps around your bra straps...then I shouldn't be seeing them when you go out.  Simple.

Enjoy my artwork...

Funny Pics from My Bro

My little brother has a blog on which he posts many pictures (http://njfromnj.tumblr.com/).  I can't keep up, nor do I particularly care to...but there's some pretty funny stuff up there.  It's his birthday today, so in his honor, here are my three most recent favorites:

And...

And, probably the best picture I've ever seen...



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BROTHER!

Carolla Steals My Shit

I had a rant all planned out about rescue animals, but then my friend sent me this link to some bloviating by Adam Carolla, in which that very subject matter is broached.  I can't, in good conscience, write the same stuff now that I know it's been done, so I'll at least let you enjoy his version: http://blogs.menshealth.com/whats-wrong-with-men/guys-i-cant-hang-out-with/2011/02/19/