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Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Remember last week how I mentioned that if you stop and look around, you'll notice that people are really fucking weird? Well, I stand by that statement.

Just today, during a four-and-a-half-minute visit to Starbucks, here's what I saw:

--The guy in front of me was working out while in line. This is no exaggeration. Some sweaty, bespectacled, micrognathic retard was doing curls and squats with 3-pound waits while waiting to order his venti iced coffee. He was in khaki shorts and a ringer T at 10am; it's not like this r'tard was so pressed for time that this was his only window in which to squeeze a workout. "Ah! Must get back to my room so I can finish reading my special edition Justice League of America comic for the 46th time! Better work out on my coffee run!"

--On the side, in one of the cushy chairs, was a woman breastfeeding. She didn't even have any Starbucks stuff. It was like she stopped by just to unleash her swollen zeppelin tits and cause mass, public unease.

--Some other freak-show loner, waiting for his massive Frappuccino with whipped cream and caramel, was detailing antiquated, Emily-Post-era etiquette to a creeped-out mother's equally uncomfortable children. "Did you know that technically, proper etiquette dictates that when approaching a revolving door at the same time as a woman, you are expected to..." How's this for etiquette: if you have testicles, you cannot order a gigantic blended drink with whipped cream and sweet syrup heaped on top.

--Bonus observation: Starbucks is selling a new Marc Cohn CD. Now, granted this is a disc of Cohn singing a bunch of covers, but if you're Marc Cohn, and "Walking in Memphis" isn't on a CD you release after the album that came out immediately after the album that originally introduced "Walking in Memphis," when there was still a glimmer of hope for continued mainstream success . . . then fuck you.

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