Tellin' It Like It Is. Ahh Yeah...

I hate when anyone describes anyone else as someone who "tells it like it is." Shut up.

Lemme Guess, You're Going As A Whore

Ahhh, Halloween. The holiday that makes it socially acceptable for women to dress like the pieces of meat they claim to not want to be categorized as. You call it a "sexy" nurse, we call it a "slutty" nurse. (Curmudgeon's note - A lot of women get mad or upset when you make these comments. They say something like, "a male-dominated society has dictated these things, etc." Guess what? If all women got together tomorrow and unilaterally agreed to only wear baggy sweatpants and sweatshirts whenever they leave the house, guys would still be lining up to fuck them. There's something innate there. In the free market of flesh, men's supposed dominance isn't the sole force responsible for women walking the streets in spandex, mini-skirts, and low-cut tops. I'm just sayin'...)

Seriously, is this holiday not the clearest reflection of the fact that humans are just another species of animal? I was watching the Birds of Paradise episode of Planet Earth (possibly the best program ever made), and witnessed the male birds, with their ornately elaborate plumage, dance to attract the females, who, themselves, looked rather drab. And that's what we do on Halloween. People say that everyone dresses up, but women don't really dress up so much as they dress down, just being their naked selves. Men are the ones who don elaborate costumes and dance around like drunken morons trying to attract the attention of their skin-flaunting counterparts . . . so they can bang them.

Hmmm . . . now that I think about it, I guess that's pretty much the same as any other weekend. Oh well. So much for that.

Happy Halloween, you scantily-clad, beautiful beautiful whores . . .

Cartman Sings "Poker Face"

I mean, this show is consistently the funniest and smartest show on TV:

Midgets

So that last entry about the obsolescence of phone books reminded me of something that's been bothering me for a while: When did "midget" get replaced by "little person?" I'm all for eliminating offensive terms . . . but only when they're actually offensive. I feel like in this case, the change was actually made for the worse. At least "midget" denotes some sort of condition; it seems diagnosable. But "little person" seems way more demeaning, doesn't it? It's like saying, "yeah, you're like a person, only littler." Isn't that worse? Can someone please explain to me why that was determined to be the preferred nomenclature?

Phone Books

Why are phone books still being delivered to residences? I still get multiple phone-book deliveries every year. This practice can't be environmentally sound. Besides, when's the last time anyone actually even used one of these things?! Honestly. Well, other than as a booster seat for a small child or midget (I know, little person. Blah.), or to beat a confession out of a murder suspect in some crappy cop drama on TV. It just becomes a nuisance to have to carry it to the recycling bin. This seems like something that could be very easily remedied, no? If we just start eliminating all of these little inanities the world could be a much better place.

Can You Do Me A Favor?

Does it make me a huge asshole that I hate when people ask for favors? My stomach just turns when I hear someone say the word, "favor." I hate when they leave that message on your voicemail, "Hey, I have a favor to ask. Call me back," but they don't say what the favor is! So when you call back, you don't know if they're just going to ask you to check online for what time the movie starts, or if you're walking into an ambush, and they're going to ask you to drive them to the airport at 5:45 in the morning!

I especially hate when people spring surprise favors on you when you go to their houses! "Oh, now that I have you here, maybe you can help me hang this 150-pound painting, or move this colossal oak dresser into the basement..." What the fuck?! They totally blindside you with this shit. I only came over to pick up your daughter, or you invited me over to watch the game, or whatever. Any way you slice it, I wasn't mentally prepared for heavy lifting! I need to be in the proper mindset. I didn't stretch, I didn't wear heavy-lifting clothes . . . I wouldn't have fucking come!

The ultimate favor people ask is to help them move. And my answer to that is, NO! I specifically pay way more money than I should to hire movers when I move, because I don't want to break shit, or injure myself, or socially pressure other people to move my stuff. So if I won't do it for myself, I'm not doin' it for you. If I really really like you, I might offer to pay for the portion of the movers' fee that would cover the amount of help that I would have contributed. That's my final offer.

Don't Bring Me Down

If I'm on vacation, do me a favor, don't bring me down. I don't want to hear about your negative shit while I'm trying to escape my reality. And if I call home while I'm away, keep your office drama to yourself. Someone died? Don't tell me 'til I get back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information when I'm 6,000 miles away anyway?

My little brother just got back from a vacation in Sweden, and when he was there, he was out one night with some friends of a friend, one of whom decided to get really drunk and open up to him. She got all serious, telling him about how her mom died, and blah blah blah... Shhhhhh. Easy, Debbie Downer. I'm on vacation. Save it for people who have to deal with you regularly as a part of their realities.

T'd Off

If you pronounce the hard "T" when you say "mature" and/or "often," please don't ever talk to me.

Is The Death Penalty Too Harsh?

Ugh. This fucking Balloon Boy thing. The dad, Richard Douche, or whatever his name is, actually preemptively wrote theme songs for two reality show ideas he had (by the way, doesn't he look exactly like the bad guy, Crisp, from Kindergarten Cop?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0879186/ ). Can we please have him killed? Throw Jon and Kate in there while we're at it.

Anyway, I've been kind enough to provide a link to those theme songs. You should listen to them. At first, you'll want to kill yourself. Then, you'll come to the same realization that I did: that you're not the one who should have to die, he is!

http://www.tmz.com/2009/10/20/richard-heene-balloon-boy-reality-show-theme-music/

AND, I Can See His Goddamn Mouth Moving!

There's a ventriloquist show coming out on Comedy Central now! I'll let you process that for a moment . . . a ventriloquist show . . .

Really?! This is what they decided people wanted to see?! Give me 10 minutes, I'll come up with a better idea. Hell, give me a seven-minute shower and I'll think of three better ideas. I mean, is it just me, or is this ridiculous already? Is this really filling a programming void, or some sort of fetishist niche? I'm just confused.

Anyway, here are two previews of this shit bomb called the Jeff Dunham show. Remember, these are the things they choose to show you, that are supposed to entice you to watch the show. Ugh...

The Jeff Dunham Show	Starts Thurs, 9pm / 8c
Coming Soon
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

The Jeff Dunham Show	Starts Thurs, 9pm / 8c
Watch or Die
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

More Like Michael PUBE-le

What's the deal with this Michael Buble douche? Why am I seeing his CD everywhere now? (Ooh, Crazy Love, what a thoughtful, original album title: http://www.michaelbuble.com/store/product/crazy-love-standard-cd .) I heard someone say he's the new Frank Sinatra. Oh. I didn't realize we were looking for another Sinatra. I must've missed that memo. Does anyone actually miss the real Frank Sinatra?

If You Get Gang Raped, You Can't Sue

Republicans really suck! This is a report from yesterday's Daily Show, about an anti-rape law proposed by junior Senator of Minnesota, Al Franken. I'm an independent, because I think unconditionally aligning yourself with one side on an entire gamut of major issues seems a little ridiculous, but I think we can all unequivocally agree at this point, that Republicans are by far the bigger scumbags. I can't put it any better than Jon Stewart does in this segment, so I won't try. Watch and marvel...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rape-Nuts
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

New Grammar Issues

Is it Bluetooths or Blueteeth? Well, I guess if you have more than one of these things, proper grammar probably shouldn't be your biggest concern...

Thanks for Making Me Feel Guilty, People Magazine

I think if this girl is physically capable of smiling then I might not be allowed to complain anymore . . . ever again . . .

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_ts948

Peeing in a Black Toilet

Anyone else think it's gross when people put things on the floor right next to or just behind their toilets? Like books, magazines, extra toilet paper, etc. Have you ever had the misfortune of peeing in a black toilet? You can see every last drop of splash-back, and that's when you don't miss (which, for the record, I never do . . . never do don't miss . . . as in, I have good aim. Whatever!). I will never read a magazine, even if it is in a little rack or basket, that's resting below the level of the rim of the toilet. And you shouldn't either.

Rationalization

The mind is an amazing thing.

I like staying up late. Love it. In fact, I honestly can't remember the last time I fell asleep before 2:00 AM, and that includes international travels. Wherever I am, it's like my body won't let me fall asleep before two in the morning...at the earliest. I love the quiet, and the privacy, and the freedom. When I'm up really late, I feel like I hit the PAUSE button on the rest of the world, and while everyone else is frozen in time, I'm doing shit. I'm writing, I'm watching movies, I'm jerking off... Whatever. I never claimed to be curing cancer during this time. I just like that it's my time, and no one else exists. Sometimes I even feel like I'm being super-productive and, like, gaining on everyone, or even getting an upper hand, because they're all asleep! Take that, sleeping morons! Just laying there, all useless-like.

Now, as a result of staying up late, I also sleep in pretty late. While I wake up before 11:00 AM more frequently than I go to sleep before 2:00 AM (which we've established as never)...it's not by all that much. So, the counter argument, often championed by my father, is that while I'm sleeping like a "lazy bum," his preferred term of endearment (closely followed by "stranger," used when, God forbid, I don't call for more than 24 hours), everyone else is being really productive and passing me...in terms of net productivity, or something, I guess? Anyway, that's when I say, yeah, while every other schmuck is out there from the break of dawn, running around working his/her ass off, I'm enjoying some pretty sweet R.E.M. sleep! Who wins in that scenario, huh? So, overall, looks like a win-win for me. The Curmudgeon: 2-0.

Like I said, the mind is an amazing thing.

Madventures

Madventures is this awesome new show I relatively recently discovered on The Travel Channel. It features two Finnish dudes, one of whom I'm convinced is a genius, and the second of whom pretty much stays behind the camera, who travel the world sampling the generally weirder aspects of foreign cultures.

Anyway, tonight's episode, set in China, included a vignette on a small town that is pretty much dedicated to producing people who can perform circus tricks/acts, like juggling and acrobatics. Kooky Chinese and their crazy numbers games. I couldn't find a shorter link, so just go to the 9-minute mark and watch from there. It's just the last two minutes:

Sell the Vatican, Feed the World!

Nice...

Fuck Allah!

(Disclaimer: this is directed at the fanatical Muslims, not the moderate, normal ones. If this doesn't apply to you as a Muslim, then I'm not talking about you. It's that simple.)

Fuck Allah. In the ass. Without lube. That's right. I said it. What are they gonna do now? Put a fatwa on me? Go for it, you pussy cowards. Shit, Salman Rushdie had a fatwa put on him, and he ended up banging Padma Lakshmi! I'd roll those dice. (Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with women? They wouldn't even give these pictures to a first grader as one of those "what's wrong with this picture?" assignments because it would be too easy: http://www.evilbeetgossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/padma_salman.jpg and http://neoneocon.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/padma_lakshmi102.jpg .)

But for real, Islam has got to be the most insecure of all the religions, by a mile, right? They freak out about every little thing. If you were so confident that you possessed the Universe's ultimate truth, wouldn't you be a little more relaxed about things? Remember the Danish cartoons that included caricatures of the prophet Muhammad? Oh no! Political cartoons that lampoon a religious figure! How dare those Danish?! They're always such instigators. It's not like Muslim countries have been publishing propaganda cartoons of money-hungry, hooked-nose Jews with impunity for centuries or anything.

I mean, the Danish? C'mon. Denmark is consistently ranked among the happiest countries, as having among the highest income equality, as being among the least corrupt . . . it was the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, and in 2009, was ranked as the second most peaceful country in the world, behind New Zealand. They're not a real angry bunch looking to offend, you know. Yet, as a result of the printing of those cartoons, people were KILLED! The Muslim community was so enraged by this freedom of expression, that actually facilitates the acceptance and propagation of their very religion, ironically, that all over the world, they took to the streets in protest, many times violently.

If I had those Danish cartoons, I'd re-post them right here. I don't give a shit. Actually, if I weren't so lazy and I had the technological savvy, I'd find them, print them out, blow them up, videotape a dog taking a huge shit on them, and then post it on YouTube. (Ooh! Just found these on Wikipedia. I'm kind of shocked that they'd be on there. Wonder if the link will even work: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/75/Jyllands-Posten-pg3-article-in-Sept-30-2005-edition-of-KulturWeekend-entitled-Muhammeds-ansigt.png )

Why do we tiptoe around this crap, too?! People died over these cartoons, and still, somehow, the Western World ended up apologizing. How the hell did that happen?! For what?! I'm all for acceptance and tolerance, but not when such a large group of people trample on other people's most basic rights and liberties and defend such deplorable actions as being part of their belief system.

And I know not all Muslims feel the same way about this. At all. In fact, I'm sure there are Muslims who are the most pissed off because this just brings more undue hatred and judgement upon them. And I feel terrible for them. Like all Jews felt extra shitty when Madoff got caught, and when those Rabbis got their organ-thieving ring busted up in New Jersey. I get it. It's like, c'mon, fellow Jews, we don't get enough crap as a people that you have to go and pull this garbage? But still, I watched a lot of news in the wake of that Danish cartoon incident, and every Muslim reporter I saw prefaced everything he/she said with some version of the following caveat: "Well, you have to understand, in Islam . . ." Uh uh. Sorry. I don't have to understand shit. If you can't just say that people are wrong for killing other people over a cartoon, fuck you.

And you, over there in the corner. Yes, you, Evangelical Christian. Stop nodding along. You're just as fucked up. I feel like when the fundamentalist Evangelical Christians call out fanatical Muslims, it's like in prison when the murderers and rapists single out the child molesters for attack because they're the real bad guys. Really, murderers and rapists? You're going to serve as the moral compass? Thanks, but no thanks.

You Fucking Ungrateful Bitch!

Has anyone seen this Chase credit card commercial they play all the time?

This guy is all sweet and he asks his wife if she wants to go on a romantic vacation together using the points they've accumulated on their credit card, and she's like, no, we can't. And he's like, no, the points don't expire and blah blah blah. And again, she goes, nope, no can do. And he persists, explaining, seriously, we can use these points for pretty much anything. And then she goes, "I know," and looks down, with a raised eyebrow and sinister grin, at the new dress she's wearing, that she obviously purchased using the points he wanted to use for a vacation for the two of them, without even consulting with him.

But here's the kicker: then the guy smiles at her lovingly! Yeah fucking right!

Ooh! I found a link for it! See what I'm saying?!

Raise the Roof

Just when you thought the Snuggie commercials couldn't get any cheesier . . . I don't even know what to say:

J35U5 CHR15T

Saw a couple license plates recently that I felt needed to be mentioned: "JEZUS <3 S," (that <3 is supposed to be a heart, because they actually paid extra to have a heart on their license plate) and "J35U5." So not only was I stuck behind these terrible drivers, but they combined two of my least favorite favorite things: personalized license plates (which are especially irritating when the owners go to such great lengths to get their messages across, even when it requires creative misspellings and numbers in lieu of letters) and Jesus.

Here's another one that pissed me off the other day: KARRPDM. I think they were in a Wrangler. This is supposed to say, "Carpe Diem," I presume, the famous Latin phrase, made even more annoyingly famous by Dead Poets Society, that roughly translates to "seize the day." Ugh. Shave your armpits, lady, and get out of my face. Seize my balls! . . . In your mouth. Hippie.

Blow Js

I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was saying that she actually likes to give blow jobs (god bless her soul). So I told her what a wonderful service she was doing for humanity, and how that's so important in a relationship, etc...

And then I said, I feel like girls should have to let you know, in advance, where they stand on the whole blow-job front. Like, on the first date, they should say something like, "just so you know, i don't really enjoy giving blow jobs, so you're gonna have to ask a lot, and it's really gonna be a chore for me to blow you more than once a week." I just want honesty. Just so I can make an honest assessment and either move forward from there, knowing and accepting that information, or end things before we get in too deep (no pun intended). I mean, that's just practical, right?

You know what you call it when a girl has her period? Blow-job week. And then they'll always go, "but it doesn't last a whole week!" And that's when you say, "let's err on the safe side." And if you can discern what they say after that, then you obviously didn't get the job done (again, no pun intended)...

Two Men I Love

Colbert v. Dawkins:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Richard Dawkins
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Michael Moore

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Richard Dawkins
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Michael Moore

That's Soooo Pedestrian

...Now, speaking of people being awful drivers, I have to admit, when you think about it, it's really not a surprise given how terribly they walk. I mean, how spatially unawares are most human beings? Seriously?

Think about how aggravating it is to navigate your average pedestrian thoroughfare. You have the zig-zaggers, who mindlessly cut diagonals, succumbing to their every fleeting whim with no regard for those around them. "Oh, there's a dress I like." Zig. "But wait, there's a poster for a Lindsay Lohan movie I want to see." Zag. "And there's a bird!" Zig. "OMG! Beyonce has a new album out!" Zag. You get the idea. You can't pass these menaces because you never know where they're going next. Every time you go to step around them to the right, they go right. You think you're clear to pass on the left? Nope. That's where they're going too. Fuck you, zig-zaggers.

Then there are the stop-short-ers. "Oh, shit. I just remembered that I forgot to tie my shoes. Let me stop immediately and remedy that." You know what else this jackass forgot? That he's in the midst of a semi-functional society that includes individuals other than him. There are people behind you, asshole! Gradually pull your fat ass over to the side, and lace up somewhere where I can continue to pretend you don't exist. This guy probably ties his laces using the two-loop method. Better yet, he probably wears Velcro . . . or Tevas with socks. Asshole.

Related to the stop-short-ers are the people who were never moving in the first place. People who think it's okay to just park themselves in the middle of a busy sidewalk and talk, or look at a map, or figure out why their IQs are so low. The best part is, these people see you. They make eye contact with you as they recount their stupid fucking insignificant daily dramas to their idiot friends who don't even care, and loudly, at that, since they want everyone to hear them because they feel like they have something important to offer society (which, largely, they don't), but they still won't get out of your way even though they're clearly blocking your path. And what's worse, you can say "excuse me" six times, at full volume, but they can't wrap their brains around the fact that they're the ones being rude!, so they don't react. At this point in my life, I give two "excuse me"s, the second one being significantly louder and more obnoxious than the first, before I resort to just pushing my way in between them . . . which, ironically, they always find to be rude. In a related note: another fun thing I do is, if I hold the door for someone and they don't say "thank you" (don't worry, I give them a full two-second count. I'm not a total asshole), I give them a nice, sarcastic "you're welcome!" Try it. It's fun. People need to feel bad about being self-absorbed. It should sting enough to keep them from repeating their actions.

And how about slow-moving groups? No, yeah, it's totally cool if you and your fanny-pack-donning family gaze up and marvel at the tall, shiny buildings as you walk five people across at no more than one mile per hour. Enjoy the view. It's not like you're part of a civilization in which other people are actually trying to get somewhere, or anything. No, but seriously, go the fuck back to Kansas and get out of my way. I'm trying to get an iced green tea at Starbucks so I have something to drink while I listen to music at the book store, where I only have an hour before I have to rush home to watch the Real World/Road Rules Challenge because my DVR is broken.