Fuck Allah!

(Disclaimer: this is directed at the fanatical Muslims, not the moderate, normal ones. If this doesn't apply to you as a Muslim, then I'm not talking about you. It's that simple.)

Fuck Allah. In the ass. Without lube. That's right. I said it. What are they gonna do now? Put a fatwa on me? Go for it, you pussy cowards. Shit, Salman Rushdie had a fatwa put on him, and he ended up banging Padma Lakshmi! I'd roll those dice. (Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with women? They wouldn't even give these pictures to a first grader as one of those "what's wrong with this picture?" assignments because it would be too easy: http://www.evilbeetgossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/padma_salman.jpg and http://neoneocon.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/padma_lakshmi102.jpg .)

But for real, Islam has got to be the most insecure of all the religions, by a mile, right? They freak out about every little thing. If you were so confident that you possessed the Universe's ultimate truth, wouldn't you be a little more relaxed about things? Remember the Danish cartoons that included caricatures of the prophet Muhammad? Oh no! Political cartoons that lampoon a religious figure! How dare those Danish?! They're always such instigators. It's not like Muslim countries have been publishing propaganda cartoons of money-hungry, hooked-nose Jews with impunity for centuries or anything.

I mean, the Danish? C'mon. Denmark is consistently ranked among the happiest countries, as having among the highest income equality, as being among the least corrupt . . . it was the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, and in 2009, was ranked as the second most peaceful country in the world, behind New Zealand. They're not a real angry bunch looking to offend, you know. Yet, as a result of the printing of those cartoons, people were KILLED! The Muslim community was so enraged by this freedom of expression, that actually facilitates the acceptance and propagation of their very religion, ironically, that all over the world, they took to the streets in protest, many times violently.

If I had those Danish cartoons, I'd re-post them right here. I don't give a shit. Actually, if I weren't so lazy and I had the technological savvy, I'd find them, print them out, blow them up, videotape a dog taking a huge shit on them, and then post it on YouTube. (Ooh! Just found these on Wikipedia. I'm kind of shocked that they'd be on there. Wonder if the link will even work: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/75/Jyllands-Posten-pg3-article-in-Sept-30-2005-edition-of-KulturWeekend-entitled-Muhammeds-ansigt.png )

Why do we tiptoe around this crap, too?! People died over these cartoons, and still, somehow, the Western World ended up apologizing. How the hell did that happen?! For what?! I'm all for acceptance and tolerance, but not when such a large group of people trample on other people's most basic rights and liberties and defend such deplorable actions as being part of their belief system.

And I know not all Muslims feel the same way about this. At all. In fact, I'm sure there are Muslims who are the most pissed off because this just brings more undue hatred and judgement upon them. And I feel terrible for them. Like all Jews felt extra shitty when Madoff got caught, and when those Rabbis got their organ-thieving ring busted up in New Jersey. I get it. It's like, c'mon, fellow Jews, we don't get enough crap as a people that you have to go and pull this garbage? But still, I watched a lot of news in the wake of that Danish cartoon incident, and every Muslim reporter I saw prefaced everything he/she said with some version of the following caveat: "Well, you have to understand, in Islam . . ." Uh uh. Sorry. I don't have to understand shit. If you can't just say that people are wrong for killing other people over a cartoon, fuck you.

And you, over there in the corner. Yes, you, Evangelical Christian. Stop nodding along. You're just as fucked up. I feel like when the fundamentalist Evangelical Christians call out fanatical Muslims, it's like in prison when the murderers and rapists single out the child molesters for attack because they're the real bad guys. Really, murderers and rapists? You're going to serve as the moral compass? Thanks, but no thanks.