That's Soooo Pedestrian

...Now, speaking of people being awful drivers, I have to admit, when you think about it, it's really not a surprise given how terribly they walk. I mean, how spatially unawares are most human beings? Seriously?

Think about how aggravating it is to navigate your average pedestrian thoroughfare. You have the zig-zaggers, who mindlessly cut diagonals, succumbing to their every fleeting whim with no regard for those around them. "Oh, there's a dress I like." Zig. "But wait, there's a poster for a Lindsay Lohan movie I want to see." Zag. "And there's a bird!" Zig. "OMG! Beyonce has a new album out!" Zag. You get the idea. You can't pass these menaces because you never know where they're going next. Every time you go to step around them to the right, they go right. You think you're clear to pass on the left? Nope. That's where they're going too. Fuck you, zig-zaggers.

Then there are the stop-short-ers. "Oh, shit. I just remembered that I forgot to tie my shoes. Let me stop immediately and remedy that." You know what else this jackass forgot? That he's in the midst of a semi-functional society that includes individuals other than him. There are people behind you, asshole! Gradually pull your fat ass over to the side, and lace up somewhere where I can continue to pretend you don't exist. This guy probably ties his laces using the two-loop method. Better yet, he probably wears Velcro . . . or Tevas with socks. Asshole.

Related to the stop-short-ers are the people who were never moving in the first place. People who think it's okay to just park themselves in the middle of a busy sidewalk and talk, or look at a map, or figure out why their IQs are so low. The best part is, these people see you. They make eye contact with you as they recount their stupid fucking insignificant daily dramas to their idiot friends who don't even care, and loudly, at that, since they want everyone to hear them because they feel like they have something important to offer society (which, largely, they don't), but they still won't get out of your way even though they're clearly blocking your path. And what's worse, you can say "excuse me" six times, at full volume, but they can't wrap their brains around the fact that they're the ones being rude!, so they don't react. At this point in my life, I give two "excuse me"s, the second one being significantly louder and more obnoxious than the first, before I resort to just pushing my way in between them . . . which, ironically, they always find to be rude. In a related note: another fun thing I do is, if I hold the door for someone and they don't say "thank you" (don't worry, I give them a full two-second count. I'm not a total asshole), I give them a nice, sarcastic "you're welcome!" Try it. It's fun. People need to feel bad about being self-absorbed. It should sting enough to keep them from repeating their actions.

And how about slow-moving groups? No, yeah, it's totally cool if you and your fanny-pack-donning family gaze up and marvel at the tall, shiny buildings as you walk five people across at no more than one mile per hour. Enjoy the view. It's not like you're part of a civilization in which other people are actually trying to get somewhere, or anything. No, but seriously, go the fuck back to Kansas and get out of my way. I'm trying to get an iced green tea at Starbucks so I have something to drink while I listen to music at the book store, where I only have an hour before I have to rush home to watch the Real World/Road Rules Challenge because my DVR is broken.