Not A Good Sign

I actually saw someone using a payphone the other day. Let's face it, if you're using a payphone, in America, at this juncture in history, things probably haven't worked out for you . . .

Bad Banker! Bad Banker!

This is a long one. Bear with me...

Propaganda and over-dependency on old black-and-white clips aside, to me, the heart and strength of Michael Moore's documentary, Capitalism: A Love Story, was made by the little guy(Wallace Shawn) from The Princess Bride. Inconceivable! Basically, it's the idea that capitalism, the way it's supposed to be, or was intended, I should say, was imagined so that the people who provided the best goods or services, and worked the hardest to fill vacant niches, thrived. And if someone got complacent, another someone could come along and offer a better incarnation of the same product or service, and the new producer would thrive. Healthy, relatively fair competition that theoretically ensured that the needs of the people were met at costs that people were willing to incur...everyone benefited by getting something, be it money, goods, or services. Every party acquired something of merit.

Then, Goldman Sachs, and every other financial monolith, came along and sought out loopholes in this system. They found new ways to make money through the implementation of intentionally complex algorithms and lots of bet-hedging (most of which I, admittedly, don't really get - which was the point!), without actually providing any...anything. And this has been going on for years, and the government has known, and everyone in finance has known, and many economists had long ago sounded the alarms, but these loopholes existed, legally, because our government chose not to put in place regulations that would protect and uphold what I believe to be the intended spirit of the free market, which in and of itself is, I think, a pretty damn good thing. (One can reasonably argue that if the free market allows for the existence of these loopholes, then they should be allowed to be exploited until the market regulates itself and stops them. BUT, we didn't let the consequences of these "deceptions" play out because the government stepped in and bailed out the banks! People who do the exploiting, in general, not just in this case, love to play dumb and act like they were unaware that what they were doing was wrong, and I think our judicial system fosters this disingenuousness because we can't pretend to know the mind of another individual, and convict him/her on those grounds. But, at the end of the day, we all have a pretty good sense of right and wrong, which makes this feigned lack of common sense all the more insulting and infuriating...not that I have a good solution for that.)

Now that our country has suffered this financial collapse, it's very convenient for the federal government to vilify and chastise the financial institutions "responsible" (and they certainly deserve a good chiding), but ultimately, the people doing the scolding are really redirecting their anger at themselves for not doing anything about the problem (probably because their pockets were getting fatter, too) and (mildly) displacing it onto the banks. It's like, imagine the federal government is the father, the US citizens are the mother, and Goldman Sachs is one of their kids. Dad gives his son the family credit card, without Mom knowing, so the kid can make some online purchases. The kid gets a little click-happy and buys tons of shit that the family can't really afford, but he rationalizes it because, technically, he's not doing anything wrong, and he even buys Dad a couple things to keep him happy. When the credit card bill comes, Mom goes, "What the fuck?!" And Dad has to put on a big show and yell at the kid in front of the whole family, when really, he knows he shouldn't have given the kid free reign with the credit card in the first place!

So, Federal Government, have fun yelling at the bankers; for the most part, they're bratty, selfish, spoiled children who think they're the only people in the world and don't give a remote shit about anyone else as long as they get as much as they can as quickly as they can (pretty much a bunch of Eric Cartmans), and so they deserve to at least be made to feel crappy publicly...even though they still get to fly home in their private helicopters, and motorboat their wives' expensive fake tits, and bathe in seas of gold like Scrooge McDuck. But when the show's over, can we please actually pass some meaningful, common-sense laws that are vague enough to scare the people who control all our money into being fair and actually trying to provide some benefit to people other than themselves? Something as simple as, if it's determined by a jury of civilians that a bank intentionally sought out loopholes and employed deception in order to make more money off of other people's losses, there would be significant consequences? I know it's a lot more complicated than that...but it kinda isn't.

Here's a clip of Bill Clinton making a similar point...just much more concisely:

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/04/28/bill_clinton_timing_of_goldman_sachs_suit_is_suspect.html

And, Speaking of People Being Overly Sensitive About Allah...

Wanna know another thing that's always bothered me about religious fanatics who blow themselves up in order to kill civilians, or shoot abortion doctors, or commit any violent acts against anyone else in the name of their god? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

These extremists love to claim that their god has some grander plan, that man can't possibly know the mind of God, that God works in mysterious ways, and only He knows who's going to heaven or hell or whatever fucking mythical realm they think you go to when you die...yet they still, for some strange reason, deem it necessary to take matters into their own hands, in effect, saying that God can't handle it on his own. As usual, religious interpretation is steeped in hypocrisy. They claim to kill people in the name of their almighty god, but if He were so powerful, and really thought that people should die for the reasons they're being killed in his name, wouldn't He be able to take care of it Himself? So, ironically, the people who assert themselves as the most fervently religious, are actually calling God a pussy.

Speaking of Stephen Hawking...

As some of you know, my good friend, Scott Lew, has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). ALS is an unforgiving asshole, but Scott, and some of his fellow ALS'ers, prove that it can also be sexy. Sexy, you ask? Yes, sexy.

Here is a link to the Always Looking Sexy calendar for 2010. Thirteen people with ALS reenact memorable moments from hit movies such as Basic Instinct, Braveheart, and Risky Business. I know it's a little on the late side for a 2010 calendar, but all the proceeds go to the ALS Therapy Development Institute. You can order at the bottom of this page. It's really funny and for a very good cause, so please do:

http://alwayslookingsexy2010.alscommunity.org/GroupSite/tabid/54/view/Default/Default.aspx

Aliens Will Rape Our Planet And Give Us Gloop-Glop-Pox

There have been all these articles recently, in the wake of Stephen Hawking's new show, Into The Universe with Stephen Hawking, about how Hawking says that the existence of aliens is essentially a mathematical inevitability, and we shouldn't necessarily be broadcasting our presence into the far reaches of space because it's foolish to assume that these extraterrestrials are benevolent beings.

I've been saying this for years! They can't all be as nice and hilarious as Gordon Shumway! Shut up, NASA (or whoever sends radio waves into space announcing where to find us)! We don't want aliens to know we're here! If they're anything like us, and they already have the supremely advanced technology it takes to reach Earth, then we're totally F'd in the A!

Hawking said, "If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans." Here's a link to one of the articles:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/space/article7107207.ece

Weaker

A few years back, in the aftermath of a bummer of a break-up, I was feeling particularly vulnerable when that Kanye West song, "Stronger," came on. It got to the line where he goes, "There's a thousand yous/There's only one of me," and that actually made me feel better. I was like, "Yeah . . . fuck that bitch. There's a thousand hers and only one of me . . . Yeah . . ." (And I will say, that's kinda the attitude you should have, though I would advise dialing the arrogance level down a notch from Kanye's loftily perched "delusions of grandeur" to somewhere around "mild overconfidence.")

But, almost immediately after finding "strenf" in Kanye's poetic stylings, I realized, I just turned to Kanye "Gay-Fish" West (South Park reference; see links below) for post-break-up consolation! And that ended up making me feel even worse than when the song first came on, because, let's be honest, if Kanye West is your emotional crutch, it's safe to say, you've seen better days . . .

Here's a link to the full South Park episode I referenced. It's only 20 minutes, it's amazing, and I very very highly highly recommend you watch it if you have the time: http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220762

Otherwise, here's a link to a quick clip of the end of the episode: http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoafJL-Q.html

Tag That Shit! . . . Literally

Bathroom graffiti? Really? We're still doing this? You're spending more time in a public restroom than is absolutely necessary? AND you brought a Sharpie?! You're a fucking loser.

The Redundancy Department of Redundancy

Anyone else used to have to perform the completely redundant task of cleaning up before the cleaning lady came? (Yes, I realize this is a kind of douchey thing to complain about.)

My Mom: Maria's coming tomorrow and your room's a mess!

Me: Isn't that the point?

Mom: It's embarrassing! Clean up!

Me: Well, then can you pay me the portion of Maria's check that goes to cleaning my room, and then she doesn't have to do it and put all my shit in places where I can't find it?

I didn't actually say that last part. I usually just exhaled obnoxiously and said, "You're insane," closed my door, hid my nudie mags and baseball cards, and left the rest of the mess as it was...

PG Sleepovers

A friend of mine recently went out on a first date, and when I called her the next day to see how it went, she said she had just finished having brunch with him. Naturally, I assumed she had spent the night, but she said that they just had a good time and decided to make plans to have brunch the next day. Then she said, "Besides, I wasn't gonna sleep with him, and PG sleepovers aren't really worth it."

My brother and I concurred. They're not worth it. You end up making out and dry humping like a 13-year-old, for way longer than you want, which hurts when you're both wearing jeans. You spend the whole night in a semi-conscious state, sexually frustrated and holding in farts. Then, when you finally give up on actual, qualitative sleep, about three hours before you would normally be getting up, you have to muster up the strength to limp your swollen balls to the bathroom to jerk off so that you're physically capable of walking home/to your car.

That's not to disparage a good "make-out sesh'," especially on a first or second date, but in that event, there's no need for anyone to spend the night and sacrifice perfectly good sleep.

(Special thanks to Fixy!)

"The Funnies?"

Last week I read the comics, in the newspaper, for the first time in God knows how long. . . . They are not funny. At all. Not even remotely. People are so fucking stupid if these are considered "the funnies." I think I give up.

Papadum

So my friend made out with an Indian chick the other night, and on the ride home he goes to me, "I kissed her, and I'm pretty sure I tasted curry." So I said, "I'm pretty sure that's the most racist thing you've ever said. I think I have to put that on The Curmudgeon." And he goes, "No, but I'm being totally serious... Put that in there, too."

Oh, Was Your Menu Different from Mine?

I hate sharing food. When I go out to a restaurant and order my meal, I order according to my hunger level. Then, once my food arrives, my brain instantly prepares my body to expect the amount of food that's placed in front of it. That amount cannot be diminished. It can always be added to, because I am a glutton, but the amount can never be reduced.

People try to make it okay with, "You can have some of mine." I don't want some of yours! I want all of mine! I would've ordered your shitty meal if that's what I wanted. You could've ordered what I got; last I checked, we all got the same fucking menus when we sat down at the table. All trades and splits, unless negotiated prior to ordering, are off limits. No! You can't have the crispy, burnt-cheese corner of my baked ziti that I've been specifically saving for the entire fucking meal so I can end on a good note in exchange for your pube-flavored steamed broccoli, asshole!

Sex

Here are three of my favorite "types" of sex:

1. Condomless sex. Duh.

2. Hotel sex. There's already that vacationy, removed-from-reality vibe making you feel all relaxed and horny, and best of all, there's no real clean-up involved. Daily maid service. I love hotels.

3. Morning sex. Because no matter how remotely bad anything else that happens the rest of the day is, you can still say, "Well at least I had sex today..."

Move Up!

If you're stopped at a red light, and there's enough room in between you and the car in front of you for someone to parallel park . . . you're an asshole.

The United States of Fat

I went to the movies with my little brother recently, and we were circling the parking lot looking for a spot when we noticed that, like, an entire fourth of all the spaces in the garage were designated as handicap spots. Why are there so many handicap parking spots?! My brother thinks it's because of the increase in obesity.

How about this: if you're obese as a result of injury or surgery, fine. But if you're just obese . . . Guess what? Walk! Fucking walk for a change!

What A Bitch!

A guy I know recently broke up with his girlfriend because she was cheating on him. This got me thinking. I know this is going to sound sexist, because, by definition . . . it is, but it's worse when a girl cheats than when a guy does.

I'll wait . . . Ready? Done rolling your eyes and audibly exhaling?

To be clear, neither is remotely okay. But what I'm referring to is the matter of availability. In the words of the wise Chris Rock, "Every woman...ever since you were thirteen, every guy you met's been trying to fuck you!... Women are offered dick every day!" For a woman, for whom it's perpetually available, sex is not such a novelty. For a guy, sex is a much bigger deal. He has to work for it. He's not constantly being propositioned every time he leaves the house! So if a guy is offered sex, it's very difficult for him to turn down because it's a much rarer occurrence. But if a girl can't turn down sex while engaged in a monogamous relationship, and she cheats, it's a more glaring character flaw. She can never be trusted again because she's caved before, and she's going to have many more opportunities, daily, to cave again . . . Well, at least until she's, like, 40, or something. Then the offers kinda taper off, no? Too much?

Guys obviously cheat, too. Probably more than women. This is no surprise. But it usually requires significant effort . . . or the overly aggressive behavior of a very slutty girl.

(Special thanks to "Jonah," DDS...)

Autism is the New Plaid

I asked my brother why it seems like every kid has Autism nowadays, and he goes, "Because if your kid is weird, it's cooler to give it a legitimate name. It's trendy now. They used to just be called, 'weird.'"

Quote of the Month

"If I ever think she's pregnant, I'll just kick her in the stomach."

--My 18-year-old student, after commenting that he has irresponsible, condomless sex with his underage girlfriend who's not on The Pill. Why do I know this, you ask? Because he told me.

That's So Abba

My brother just bought an apartment in New York City, and bought a new king size bed with fancy, expensive, high-thread-count bedding. When he showed our father the newly purchased, nicely made bed, our father looked it over and said, in his thick Israeli accent, "Ooh-wah. The first one it's gotta be special here. It can't be just any bitch..."

That's A Shame

I was sitting on a park bench in NY with my brother last week, and there were two girls sitting right next to us. They weren't ugly, but they definitely weren't cute, either. We ended up making some small talk with them, and they were really nice, affable, blah blah blah. Eventually, they got up and left, and I said to my brother, "That's one of those situations that would've been perfect if they had actually been attractive." And my brother goes, "I think they were thinking the same thing."

Tickle Fiiiiiiight!

Last year, this girl I know ended up going home with some guy she met at a bar, so obviously, the next morning, I texted her, "Did you guys bang?" She responded with, "Not a convo for text." That's a yes.

This brought to mind that recent Eric Massa incident. You know, the Democratic congressman who "tickled" and "groped" his younger, male staff member and justified it by saying it was his 50th birthday party? Anyway, when Larry King asked him straight out (no pun intended) if he was gay, Massa replied, "ask my wife, ask my friends, ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy..." Well, turns out they did ask, and his fellow "seamen" seemed to indicate he was, in fact, gay. But here's a more efficient rubric for you: if you ask a guy if he's gay, and he says anything other than "no" . . . You have your answer. He's gay. That's pretty much the easiest question you can ask any heterosexual male. If he can't get that right, he's not straight (which is fine! So just say, "yes," asshole! You're perpetuating the anti-homosexual sentiment, you self-loathing starfish trooper!).