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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Oh, Was Your Menu Different from Mine?

I hate sharing food. When I go out to a restaurant and order my meal, I order according to my hunger level. Then, once my food arrives, my brain instantly prepares my body to expect the amount of food that's placed in front of it. That amount cannot be diminished. It can always be added to, because I am a glutton, but the amount can never be reduced.

People try to make it okay with, "You can have some of mine." I don't want some of yours! I want all of mine! I would've ordered your shitty meal if that's what I wanted. You could've ordered what I got; last I checked, we all got the same fucking menus when we sat down at the table. All trades and splits, unless negotiated prior to ordering, are off limits. No! You can't have the crispy, burnt-cheese corner of my baked ziti that I've been specifically saving for the entire fucking meal so I can end on a good note in exchange for your pube-flavored steamed broccoli, asshole!


  1. This is EXACTLY how I am when pregnant!

  2. Are you comparing me to a pregnant woman?

  3. You're right about this, if a predetermined agreement to share food hasn't been reached and you're not in a relationship with the person you're sharing a meal with, then eat your own food! The worst for me is that I love uni sushi, which is sea urchin. And it's expensive and only comes with 2 pieces. So if I order it, someone inevitably says, "Can I have one?" No! You cannot have half of my order when you will not like it. I know you won't like it because you just told me you've tried it before and you didn't like it but you want to try it one more time to be sure. So I'm too nice and I say okay, at which point they confirm that they don't like it and I now have to pay for the whole order. This has happened to me several times. Which is totally my fault and next time I'll just say NO.

  4. Yeah, I totally just say no. And if people want to pretend they don't understand why I'm saying no then that's their problem.