Allow Me To Intervene

Speaking of masterfully crafted A&E television programs, I was just watching Intervention, and I noticed that it bleeped out the word "fuck."  This guy was in bed, dope sick, and he called someone and said, "I'm sick as--" BLEEP! 

They censored it.  This show has people sticking needles in any parts of their bodies imaginable, snorting shit off of floors, cleaning syringes with toilet water, prostituting themselves for drug money...but you can't say "fuck?"  Or "shit?"  Where the fuck are our priorities?!  Who, exactly, are we protecting in this equation?  If a kid caught an episode by accident, are the curse words really going to be the components of the show that haunt his/her ensuing nightmares?  We're so retarded...

Natural Selection

I was recently watching an episode of one of the best shows on TV, A&E's The First 48, a weekly, hour-long documentary series that covers one or two homicide investigations per episode.  It's amazing and educational...especially if you want to learn how to get away with murder, which I think is probably a pretty handy skill to have in a real pinch.

Anyway, the episode I was watching took place in Miami.  A neighbor reported that a terrible odor was emanating from a nearby apartment, and when police came to check it out, they found three dead bodies inside the apartment (a husband and wife, both 45, and their daughter, 24), all pretty well decomposed.  Homicide detectives were called to the scene, but couldn't seem to find any evidence of a murder.  Then they found a note.

Turns out the deceased were fasting, as a family, as part of some religious expression of devout faith, and made a pact that they would stay locked in the apartment and not eat until God provided for them.  But alas, God must not have heard them.  Yet another missed opportunity for The Big Guy to prove his existence; He's an elusive one, that God fella.  As Ricky Gervais has said, "God must have been too busy giving AIDS to babies in Africa" to save these retards from starving themselves to death in a country that's responsible for creating the Big Gulp and the fast-food adjective "Super Size."

I'm gonna go ahead and take the position that the world is better off without these people.  Good on ya, Darwin.

Marty McFly Had One, And That Was The 80's!

One of my students and I were laughing about how in every 80's and 90's movie set in the future, people have flying cars, and now that it is the future (according to those movies), people love to ask, "Where are those flying cars we were promised?!"  So I'll respond:

A.) You couldn't handle extra-dimensional locomotion even if they did have flying cars, you entitled, never-invented-anything-yourself couch potato.  You can't even handle operating an automobile in a planar milieu, so calm yourself about commandeering a jet-propelled motor vehicle.  (I think that made sense.)

B.) Oh, wait.  They do have flying cars.  They're called planes and helicopters.  That's what a flying car is.  What makes a car a car?  Wheels?  Planes and helicopters both have those and can drive.  The technology exists, we just don't all have personal helicopters, or "flying cars," as you call them, because, in a rare display of common sense, legislators know better than to let that happen (see letter A).  Now work on learning how to use a fucking blinker for a change...

Foodies

Ever watch those "foodie" shows, like Top Chef (which I love), for instance?  I really hate it when chefs describe any elements of their own dishes with unnecessarily florid, self-slurping verbiage.  Like, when you say, "...drizzled with a beautiful balsamic-fig reduction," or "topped with a lovely bacon foam..." that makes me feel like you're overcompensating for shittiness.  I, the diner, will decide if it's "beautiful" or "lovely" or "nice," not you.  Just say the ingredients and fuck off.  I'll take it from there, thank you.

P.S. - I still really want to bang Padma.

ACCENTuate The Positive...Or Negative. Whatever.

Accents are amplifiers.  What I mean by that is, if you're hot, an accent (Southern, British, Columbian...pretty much every accent except a Russian one) makes you so much hotter!  Think about when you meet a cute girl with an accent and you tell your friends about her.  Her accent is one of the first things you mention: "Dude, she has this super hot Tanzanian accent!"  Buuut...if someone's ugly and annoying, an accent makes them even more unbearable: "OMG, he sounds like Sling Blade."

So you see, accents are amplifiers.  Whatever you are...it makes you more that.

Animal Crap-House

I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Animal House isn't that funny.  Sorry.  If you wear a Belushi "College" T-shirt, I probably hate you because you're annoying and have a bad sense of humor.

What the hell?  While I'm already alienating lots of people, I'll go ahead and add that Dazed and Confused is also not very good.  Again, my apologies...only not really.

Sorry, What Was That?

Just so you know, if ever you're talking to me, and there's a string of saliva connecting your upper and lower lips...I'm not hearin' a word you're sayin'...

Locker Rooms

Look, I accept the fact that gym locker rooms are going to have a lot of male nudity, but the old men take the overall shamelessness and grossness to a whole new level. Like, fine, be naked when you change and shower, but you don't need to roam around the whole locker room naked, carrying on casual conversations as though you're not bare-assed in room full of other men.

Old people abuse this. They shuffle their droopy beanbags over to the urinals, where they stand, barefoot!, in puddles of other people's piss, and just fart and hock up gross chunks of phlegm and spit them past their floppy wieners... It's disgusting. Naked farts are disgusting. Then, you sit on that wooden bench in between the lockers, bending over to try and tie your basketball sneakers, and these guys unflinchingly put one leg up on the bench, right next to you, and dry their balls, right in your face! This is not okay! We're in America! There are personal-space heuristics in place that they are flagrantly violating!

The entire locker room experience is unpleasant enough. The smells...chlorine, body odor, cheap spray deodorant...please don't add to this unnecessarily...

Should I Hold Your Hand, Too?

I just saw a public service billboard with a picture of an adult wearing a backpack that said, "I always look before I walk. Pedestrian safety begins with me."  Listen, if you're over the age of nine, and not actually mentally retarded, but you need to be explicitly told to look before you walk . . . you should die.

How To Bat A Thousand...

I was out with a buddy recently, and we were laughing about how hitting on girls really is a numbers game. We were saying how probably about 10% of girls would fuck you, so if you talk to ten girls a night, you're setting up some pretty good odds for yourself. And my friend was like, "I know! Even if you only bat .100, that's still one out of every ten." And I was like, "Even if you bat .001, as long as you talk to 1,000 girls a night, you're batting 1.000!"

Do the math...

Carry This

I hate when you go out with a girl and she asks you this: "Can you carry my phone, gum, lip gloss, wallet, and keys?" No! It's not comfortable! That's why I never bring a lot of shit anywhere! That's why you have a purse. Use it. And stop acting entitled. Why should I have to endure your "super cute," bedazzled, chihuahua key chain digging into my upper thigh for the duration of our sure-to-be only date? Men aren't here to carry your shit. Do something.

You Have Boring Friends

I was at a house party a while back, and I was talking to some guy (heeeyyyy...) while getting wine out of the kitchen. He recommended one of the red wines, and I said, "Oh, I don't drink room-temperature liquids." He laughed and said, "That's weird. I've never heard anyone say something like that."

My first thought was, "Really?"

My second thought was, "If you though that was odd, stay close by; I'll probably do better than that in the next five minutes..."