Worst in Flight

I'm never as acutely aware of my hatred of humanity as I am when I'm at an airport.

Also, are there any creatures on Earth more passive-aggressive than flight attendants? With their fake smiles and their phony terms of endearment... Ugh. Didn't they used to have to be young and attractive?... And nice?! This is definitely one of those instances where equal opportunity employment really lowered the bar for everyone.

Not My Preferred Source for A Gummer

Just passed a store called Kiddie Gummers. Not sure what they're sellin' over there, but I'm pretty sure it's not legal...

I Get It, But...

I have this friend who was seeing this girl for a little while, but they hadn't slept together yet. In fact, they didn't do much at all. When he broached the subject with her, she said she didn't want to sleep with someone who wasn't her boyfriend. Look, I'm not gonna pretend like I don't "get it," but c'mon. I'm not saying a girl needs to, or even should, give it up right away, but it's kinda hard to commit to a full-fledged relationship when you don't know how someone is in bed. I mean, you don't buy a house without first doing a thorough inspection, know what I'm sayin'...

Holy Tofu Kids

Here's what my little brother wrote on his blog today ( http://njfromnj.tumblr.com/post/468284863/children-tofu-recently-it-dawned-on-me-that ):

"Recently it dawned on me that kids are a lot like tofu. Yes, there are different types of tofu - soft, medium, extra firm, etc, but in general, it just takes on the flavor of whatever it’s cooked in. That is how I think of kids - they are born with certain characteristics, but in general, they are molded by how mentally insane their parents are or are not…just a thought…"

First of all, we are clearly related. Secondly, I say he should have extended that analogy directly to religion. Every asshole is so certain that his/her god is the right one...but they would've believed in whatever piece-of-shit deity the religion they were born into told them to believe in! The fundamentalist Evangelical Christians in the US would've been suicide bombers if they'd been born into extremist Muslim families that encouraged that. (I'm aware there are exceptions. Calm down.)

For me, that's one of the most arrogant aspects of religion: that believers overwhelmingly believe in the religion of their parents, and therefore imply that they are superior by birth when they claim that the religion they were born into is the right one, making all others wrong. It's really fucking arrogant, and it automatically divides people who may otherwise get along...probably by bonding about shitty entertainment like Gossip Girl, or The Ugly Truth, or Miley Cyrus... On second thought, maybe there should be an all-out holy war. As long as the non-believers can sit on the sidelines with buttered popcorn and watch...which is kind of what we tend to do anyway.

"Healthy"

So in order to pay the rent, I do private tutoring. I tutor a lot of kids who have drug and alcohol abuse issues, and who have spent time in rehabs as a result. Recently, I was working with one of my students, now out of rehab and a senior in high school, and his mom was saying how at rehab, he always used to get in trouble with the eating disorder counselors there. I asked why, and this was my student's response. No joke:

"Because it's bullshit. These girls get there looking all hot, and then they leave fat. They call it 'healthy,' but we all know what 'healthy' means. People in Europe are all skinny. It's called portion control. The counselors there spend the whole time telling these girls it's good to be fat. It's not! It's unhealthy."

I Am the Opposite of Negligent

I don't think I've ever broken anything from misuse. Ever. I take such good care of everything I own, that it just works until it dies of "natural causes." Clothing: I still have stuff I wore in eighth grade. Phones: I'm still using a flip phone that's like four years old and has almost zero battery life left. I have a pair of sneakers that's 13 years old, my basketball is 12 years old, my plastic laundry hamper is well over a decade old, and I've been using the same gym bag since 1994.

I'll spare you the boredom of the rest of the laundry list of items that I've managed to keep functional, which include stereos, computers, and beard trimmers, as well. I don't really know what the point of this was. You can trust me with your stuff? I'm loyal? I'm a good Jew because I don't spend money on new things all the time? I don't know. Fuck you.

Nah, It's Okay. Keep It On.

As you get older, you learn more and more about yourself and what you like. You know what I've realized about myself? When hooking up with a girl, I think I prefer one item of clothing to remain on her rather than her being completely naked. A T-shirt. Some high socks. Or even better, just a skirt. Nice. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the illusion of urgency? Like, she wanted me so badly she didn't even have time to get all her clothes off. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty sure that's not true, either, but this is all going on at a subconscious level anyway, so let's leave it be...

One note: it might be better for her to be completely naked the first time you hook up, just so you know what you're getting yourself into. You know, no hiding stuff.

Un-American Idol

This is the preview for a documentary I recently saw, called Afghan Star, about a new, American-Idol-type singing contest in Afghanistan that's being televised in the wake of the Taliban's several-year ban on all music, singing, dancing, and television. No shit. It's insane. This film offers a rare window into a world that significantly affects our lives, in that we have troops there, and it is a terrorist breeding ground (or was, at least; I think they're all going to Pakistan and Yemen, now), and yet is completely alien to us at the same time. Highly recommend (you can watch it on HBO OnDemand now!):

So I Says, "Female Circumcision!" Get It?!

I was just remembering a conversation I had a little while back, with my literary manager at the time, about a first draft of a script I'd just written. In case it hasn't been made glaringly obvious by this point, I really don't think anything is sacred, and, accordingly, I made a joke about female circumcision in the script. She called to tell me to take it out, and I thought some of you might find our interaction amusing:

Manager: There's nothing funny about female circumcision. And by the way, there's no such thing as female circumcision; it's all female genital mutilation. Circumcision is a euphemism.

Curmudgeon: I agree, with regard to the actual act, in real life, but it can be funny as a joke in the right context. Like the Holocaust.

Manager: No. It can't.

Curmudgeon: I disagree.

Manager: It's never funny. It's actually offensive.

Curmudgeon: You were offended?!

Manager: Yes.

Curmudgeon: But you're never offended. That's why we get along so well.

Manager: I have a very tiny box of what offends me.

Curmudgeon: You have a tiny box? Nice.

Manager: That's not funny, either.

Curmudgeon: Your husband's a lucky man.

Manager: I'm hanging up now. Lose the female genital mutilation.

CLICK!

Have Fat Kids

I was talking to someone the other day, and we agreed that we'd be super paranoid parents because we both remembered times from our youths when creepy molesters tried to lure in unsuspecting children. I recalled having friends who had been approached, she said she had friends who had been approached, and even she, herself, had been approached... But then I was like, wait! Why was I never approached? I started to feel insulted that I wasn't desirable to sexual predators.

And that's when it hit me. I was a really really fat kid. No soon-to-be-Chris-Hansen-interviewees ever tried to carry me off into some dank basement because it would've been too risky; I would've drastically slowed down their escape. Plus...I was fat. Who wants a fatty, right? Although, who wants a kid, sexually speaking, too? So, hmmm... Is fatness as unappealing to a child molester as it is to an adult, from an attractiveness perspective? Anyway, regardless (I hate when people say "irregardless"), I think we can all learn from this. Fatten your kids up, and keep 'em chubby until they're old enough to not look enticing to pedophiles. Problem solved. You're welcome. I just saved your kid years of therapy spent sifting through traumatic repressed memories of how some heavy-breathing, moustachioed stamp collector with a stained shirt and a greasy side-part diddled his nascent bean bag (too much?), not to mention the money they would've spent on said therapy.

But, after giving it some thought, I did remember this one incident that happened to me. I was in elementary school, and I was home sick, when some creepy dude called my house. In a totally stereotypical pedophile voice, he said, "I'm watching you." Which was pretty much impossible given where I had been hanging out, but still, I checked the nearest window and couldn't see anyone. And then he went, "Take your pants off." And I remember getting really mad and just going, "Go fuck yourself," and then hanging up. He didn't call back. That really happened. Still, though, no one ever approached me in person...and that stays with you...

Wouldn't that be a funny PSA (public service announcement)? ...So help kids' self-esteem: invite a kid into your windowless van today! The more you know...

Thank You!

Turns out there's been a lot more traffic here than I thought, so for those of you who don't know or do but aren't already fans, here's the link to The Curmudgeon's Facebook page. Please become a fan. Pretty much every time I update the blog, I stick the link up there on the Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Curmudgeon/152794236350

Thanks for reading, guys!

God Bless...

This woman cut me off in traffic the other day, and, ironically, her bumper sticker read, "God bless the whole world. No exceptions."

Ugh. Seriously? Even if there were a God, who would have any reverence for that undiscerning a piece of shit?! He blesses everyone? Regardless of what they do? That sounds pretty "socialist" to me, Tea Bagger. What incentive do assholes have to be good, then?

So I ran her off the road...and her car exploded...with her in it. Where's her god now?

Me Lucky Charms

Thank god for Facebook status updates, because until today, I didn't realize that anyone actually gave a shit about St. Patrick's Day...

It's Irrelevant

I was listening to a couple political pundits have the classic debate over whether homosexuality is a choice or strictly genetic. This is certainly interesting from a scientific perspective, and, as with most things, the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle, and to different degrees for different individuals. But, practically speaking, in terms of governmental policy . . . who cares?! People should be free to fuck and marry whomever they please, as long as both parties are consenting and of age (or both underage, I suppose). I'm tired of this debate carrying the implication that if you're born gay, it's more okay than if you make the choice. Who. The. Fuck. Cares? Either way. Religious people and homophobes, is the answer. If you have such a problem with homosexuals, then don't be gay. Just leave everyone else alone about it.

Fortune Favors the Retarded

Watch this crap and then we'll discuss:



"Fortune favors the bold?" That's what you're going with here, Guinness? Because I just looked up "bold," and it said "courageous and daring." It didn't say anything about being a fucking retard. I checked.

Alright, so putting aside the absolute gang-raping of inertia in this commercial, let's examine the absurdity of it: a guy asks for a raise while drinking during the day, while on the job, after having only been there less than a week . . . and Guinness condones this?! This is the image Guinness wants to portray of people who drink their beer? I want someone to try this, get fired, because that's really the only possible outcome, and then sue the shit out of Guinness. That would make me happy.

Abortion

Pro.

A Joke

My friend told me this joke today:

A guy gets experimental penis-enlargement surgery and goes out for dinner with a date (presumably after he's had time to heal). Halfway through the meal, an elephant trunk comes up from between the guy's legs and snatches a bread roll off the table. To his date's fascination, he explains the avant-garde procedure. Warming to the idea, she asks him to do it again. "I would," he replies, "I just don't know if I can fit another roll up my ass."

Well Put - An Addendum

My friend, Lisa, or as she's known on the streets, "Butters," made an insightful comment about the previous post's diagram. And since no one reads my comments, I deemed it worthy of being repeated. Here's what she wrote:

"Make it a square, add 'rich' or 'economically sound,' and put 'pick one' in the middle. Then it'll pretty much be accurate."

Well played, Butters . . . Now go to your room!

Well Put

Avatarded

I finally saw Avatar a couple weeks ago. I mean, I get it. It looked amazing. But if I wanted to see something pretty with no substance, I'd set aside seven minutes to jerk off to my roommate's Victoria's Secret catalog and save myself about two-and-a-half hours.

But seriously, this thing was written for retarded children. It was 12 years since James Cameron made Titanic, not to mention he apparently started working on Avatar in 1994!, and that was the best writing he could come up with? It, like, kind of masqueraded as a political vehicle, but at the dumbest, most superficial level by using obvious catch phrases like, "preemptive strike," and some bullshit about conquering indigenous people, and then by calling the hard-to-find resource for which America (because it seemed this was an American mission, and not an Earth mission, seeing as everyone had American accents) were exploiting Pandora (the equally irksome, cheesy-fuck name of the planet that's being invaded) "unobtainium." Really? Really?! Ahhhhh!!!

As I was watching, and trying to enjoy the scenery, I couldn't help but be distracted and annoyed by all this crap! And then I thought about all the morons who watch Avatar, and probably walk away saying, "Wow. That was really smart with all that political stuff. It's just like us and Iraq, and oil, and the Indians... I'm hungry. Let's go get some McDonald's." And that annoyed me infinitely more...

I Heard That Claritin Uses Child Labor and Rapes Puppies

So my latest paranoia is that I think I'm developing allergies. I decided to do some scientific experiments to test this theory, which actually just entailed me buying a five-pack of Claritin. These Claritin people are such dicks! I open the box, and there's a perforated rectangle comprised of six squares, five of which have pills in them. There's a blank square where a sixth pill would be. What the fuck?! That's a six-pack, not a five-pack! Why even provide a six-pack with only five pills?! It's like they're intentionally rubbing it in your face that they're ripping you off!

F U, Claritin. I'm over allergies. . . . Wait! Shit! That means it worked! Damnit.

Don't Jump!

I think the number one argument against committing suicide shouldn't be God, or the fact that those close to you (though, let's be honest, if you're contemplating suicide you probably don't have all that many people who are actually close to you. Am I right or am I right? . . . Is this thing on?) will be sad, or because "things will get better" . . . it should be because there's a chance you'll survive, but be horribly disabled in some way, which would put you in a way worse place than you were in when you were fully functional and just miserable. Now, not only are you a failure, but a burden, as well. Not to mention, you no longer possess the means to try again! That just doesn't seem worth the risk, however small, to me.

Side note: Actual suicide . . . not all that funny. Just needed to be said.

Anyone Know Where To Get A Corsage?

Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3wgaWAHo2Q

Back in February of 1997, that steaming turd of a song was the number one single in America. That was also the month of my senior prom. The reason I mention this is because one week ago, it was my birthday, and I was feeling bummed about getting older. Then, an amazing thing happened this weekend: I got asked to prom. By a senior in high school. A female. A cute one, at that. For real. And that made me feel way less old. So thank you, you fresh-faced, spirit-lifting, teen angel, you, for making the aging process infinitely more tolerable this time around...

The Curmudgeon: attracting high-school girls for almost 20 years . . . which is probably about how long my jail sentence would be if I'd acted on it at any point in the last 10.

DWD

Driving With Down syndrome.

I think I saw a woman with Down syndrome driving today. Are they allowed to do that? That's an honest question. I mean, she was doing better than plenty of people I know who don't have an extra chromosome. I was just wondering from a legal perspective. For real.

Consolation from A Friend

I was hooking up with this really hot chick a while back, one of those you're always happy to look at, you know. And I kinda dug her, too, for a minute, but it didn't end up working out because, not surprisingly, she was a little crazy.

(As a general rule, I feel like you can usually assume that the hotter the girl, the crazier she is. It's no one's fault, and it isn't an insult. In fact, it's kind of fair, when you think about it. If, as a female, you're fortunate enough to be born with ridiculously good looks, you get a lot more attention and a lot more stuff handed to you. But, the other side of that coin is that you probably don't fully develop your communication skills, and you also have to deal with a lot more harassment from creepy guys who are out to use you for your looks, and then you get hurt, and that makes you distrusting and closed off, and then as these patterns repeat themselves because you never learned healthy coping mechanisms, you become increasingly crazy. Yet another reason why you need to get the hot ones while they're still young. (I'm going to hell.) The reason I say it's fair is because while a more average-looking girl might be jealous of the really hot girl's physical appearance, the average girl will have probably developed healthier communication skills and a better personality for the very reason that she could not depend solely on her physical appearance to get what she wanted, so there will likely be fewer issues there. Which, I guess, is why my father, in his thick Israeli accent, always says, "You want pretty, but not too pretty . . . like Barbara." And then he points at my step-mother, who is somehow okay with this. I am fully aware that these statements are gross oversimplifications of reality. They should be used merely as comedic guidelines.)

But I digress. Back to me! So I was hooking up with that beautiful human specimen, but things didn't work out. In the immediate aftermath, I told my buddy that she and I were done, and he goes, "Well, at least you banged her." And I thought, oh my god. That's so eloquent because it's totally true. I wasn't all that bummed, and I think that was in large part because I had already banged her. This really hot girl willingly chose to sleep with me . . . repeatedly . . . while sober. And that's pretty darn good.

And people say I'm negative . . .