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Friday, March 19, 2010

Have Fat Kids

I was talking to someone the other day, and we agreed that we'd be super paranoid parents because we both remembered times from our youths when creepy molesters tried to lure in unsuspecting children. I recalled having friends who had been approached, she said she had friends who had been approached, and even she, herself, had been approached... But then I was like, wait! Why was I never approached? I started to feel insulted that I wasn't desirable to sexual predators.

And that's when it hit me. I was a really really fat kid. No soon-to-be-Chris-Hansen-interviewees ever tried to carry me off into some dank basement because it would've been too risky; I would've drastically slowed down their escape. Plus...I was fat. Who wants a fatty, right? Although, who wants a kid, sexually speaking, too? So, hmmm... Is fatness as unappealing to a child molester as it is to an adult, from an attractiveness perspective? Anyway, regardless (I hate when people say "irregardless"), I think we can all learn from this. Fatten your kids up, and keep 'em chubby until they're old enough to not look enticing to pedophiles. Problem solved. You're welcome. I just saved your kid years of therapy spent sifting through traumatic repressed memories of how some heavy-breathing, moustachioed stamp collector with a stained shirt and a greasy side-part diddled his nascent bean bag (too much?), not to mention the money they would've spent on said therapy.

But, after giving it some thought, I did remember this one incident that happened to me. I was in elementary school, and I was home sick, when some creepy dude called my house. In a totally stereotypical pedophile voice, he said, "I'm watching you." Which was pretty much impossible given where I had been hanging out, but still, I checked the nearest window and couldn't see anyone. And then he went, "Take your pants off." And I remember getting really mad and just going, "Go fuck yourself," and then hanging up. He didn't call back. That really happened. Still, though, no one ever approached me in person...and that stays with you...

Wouldn't that be a funny PSA (public service announcement)? ...So help kids' self-esteem: invite a kid into your windowless van today! The more you know...


  1. Looks like someone blocked out middle school baseball

  2. Hahaha. Nice one, Abe! But he never made a move on me. I think I was too big. He was either scared or not attracted to me...