Consolation from A Friend

I was hooking up with this really hot chick a while back, one of those you're always happy to look at, you know. And I kinda dug her, too, for a minute, but it didn't end up working out because, not surprisingly, she was a little crazy.

(As a general rule, I feel like you can usually assume that the hotter the girl, the crazier she is. It's no one's fault, and it isn't an insult. In fact, it's kind of fair, when you think about it. If, as a female, you're fortunate enough to be born with ridiculously good looks, you get a lot more attention and a lot more stuff handed to you. But, the other side of that coin is that you probably don't fully develop your communication skills, and you also have to deal with a lot more harassment from creepy guys who are out to use you for your looks, and then you get hurt, and that makes you distrusting and closed off, and then as these patterns repeat themselves because you never learned healthy coping mechanisms, you become increasingly crazy. Yet another reason why you need to get the hot ones while they're still young. (I'm going to hell.) The reason I say it's fair is because while a more average-looking girl might be jealous of the really hot girl's physical appearance, the average girl will have probably developed healthier communication skills and a better personality for the very reason that she could not depend solely on her physical appearance to get what she wanted, so there will likely be fewer issues there. Which, I guess, is why my father, in his thick Israeli accent, always says, "You want pretty, but not too pretty . . . like Barbara." And then he points at my step-mother, who is somehow okay with this. I am fully aware that these statements are gross oversimplifications of reality. They should be used merely as comedic guidelines.)

But I digress. Back to me! So I was hooking up with that beautiful human specimen, but things didn't work out. In the immediate aftermath, I told my buddy that she and I were done, and he goes, "Well, at least you banged her." And I thought, oh my god. That's so eloquent because it's totally true. I wasn't all that bummed, and I think that was in large part because I had already banged her. This really hot girl willingly chose to sleep with me . . . repeatedly . . . while sober. And that's pretty darn good.

And people say I'm negative . . .