That's Sooo Gay

Gayest hate crime ever: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/09/nyregion/09bias.html

"Hey, let's force this guy to strip naked and then shove something up his ass! Then everyone will definitely know we're not gay!" How insecure was this gang?!

I'm Rich, Bitch!

My buddy and I were talking about how regular, hot girls can so easily bang celebrities; it really just requires a chance encounter.  In fact, I know many girls who have turned down famous dudes who hit on them while out at a bar.  By comparison, think about how hard it would be for a regular, attractive guy to sleep with a female celebrity?  Nearly impossible.  I've never heard a story of a guy rejecting a famous chick. 

And then my friend goes, "If you're a hot chick, and you don't end up rich . . . you fucked up.  Full stop.  You fucked up.  Look at yourself in the mirror, and figure out where you went wrong when God gave you a golden ticket."

(Special thanks to my friend . . . who will remain nameless, for his own sake.)

Shut Up Already!

I'm all for diplomacy and being sensitive to people's local traditions/preferences, especially given how ignorant Americans generally are about the rest of the world, but this is getting ridiculous.  People need to calm the fuck down about stupid shit . . . here in America, too, but this particular example is the latest to get me all fired up.  I'm starting to warm to the idea of nuking the planet and starting over again . . . if it weren't for all those damn adorable animals!  Read:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20101214/us_yblog_thelookout/u-s-military-stokes-iranian-anger-by-calling-persian-gulf-arabian-gulf

I Love WOMEN!

I've been told, on numerous occasions, that I come off as a woman hater in this blog.  While I see where these people are coming from, let me give several reasons why those whores are wrong:

1. I love women!  Already, with three simple words, I have refuted their argument.  But seriously, I love women.  So much so, that I have extremely high expectations of the ones I choose to be around.  So maybe that means I'm all the more disappointed when they fail to meet those lofty (unrealistic?) expectations...

2. Following from reason number one, I don't date men, so they're not disappointing or annoying me nearly as often or in the same way as women are.  Hence, I don't complain about them as much.  Let me make this clear: men are insecure retards, too . . . I just don't give a shit because it doesn't affect me.  (Although, many women have argued that they, themselves, are disappointing and annoying in the ways I find them to be, because insecure and abusive men have made them react in those ways.  To which I ask, "So, you're arguing that you behave a certain way towards men because you essentially . . . allowed men to make you behave that way?"  Hmmm.  Granted, not even nearly all the women I've encountered champion this argument, but I've heard enough say it that it bore repeating.)

3. And finally, I don't ignore our innate gender differences (see previous posts about The Pill: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/12/pill.html, and women in the workplace: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/11/separate-but-equal.html and http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/11/fyi.html).  We are certainly equal, but we are certainly not the same.  Stop pretending like we are.

Watch back when Kevin Smith was good:

Yimmy's Yayo

I may have plugged this dude's site before, but I really enjoy it.  He's a photographer who puts up images and videos of other people's stuff that he appreciates for any number of reasons.  Sometimes funny stuff, sometimes nudie pics, sometimes just plain old fashioned art...ya nevah nevah know.  When you're too lazy to read words, here's some "visual crack for the ocular fiend," as he puts it.  Enjoy: http://blog.yimmyayo.com/

Slippery Slopes

At the end of the month, I'm traveling to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand.  The most frequently asked questions after I inform anyone of this are prostitution-related, with a hint of ladyboy.  I think the most interesting part is that some of these people are dead serious, so let me explain why I think there's a very low probability of me putting my penis in an oft-shared vagina.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong, I totally get the appeal of prostitution; the idea of paying a hot chick to let her do whatever you want to her does seem kinda (very) fun every now and then, especially if you're busy with work and don't feel like putting in the extensive effort it takes to convince a normal hot girl to let you do stuff to her.  Because we all know, in the words of Oscar-winners Three 6 Mafia, "it's hard out here for a pimp."

But, no.  Uh uh.  If you've read my blog for any prolonged amount of time, you know the germ-factor alone is enough to dissuade me from sticking my P in any heavy-traffic V's.  But moreover, I have major moral issues with it, believe it or not.  Not in general; I actually believe prostitution should be legal, while strictly regulated, even if it isn't my cup of tea (for my more detailed explanation, read: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/01/pimps-down-hos-up.html).  But prostitution in poor, third-world countries is not regulated at all.  Many women, or more accurately, girls, are forced into it.  And, those who aren't physically forced into it, but choose it , are often, as women, extremely limited in their options of viable career paths.  In a lot of these countries, a woman's body can be her sole financial commodity, and thus, while not forced into a life of prostitution, it may be the best way for her to earn enough money to be independent.  I don't really feel comfortable contributing to the perpetuation of that market by increasing demand.

You could, of course, argue that this monstrous market isn't going to miss my nominal contribution, and you'd probably be right.  Furthermore, you could even argue in favor of me contributing to that market by saying that if I give these girls more money, I may be affording them a better opportunity to escape their environments more quickly.  But to me, that's like giving money to homeless addicts when you could be donating it directly to rehab/treatment facilities instead.  Call it a philosophical difference.

Now for the caveat: the "Old Fashioned."  That is, the hand job.  This is the slippery slope, the gateway sex act, the weed of the prostitution world...  In the case of the ol' HJ, there is no penetration or risk of disease.  The prostitute is essentially giving you a massage in a region of your body where you don't usually get one.  No one would question it if she massaged the same spot on your back for about seven-and-a-half minutes in order to relieve some stress, but if she flips you over and moves about a foot south, it apparently changes things.  You could definitely rationalize it this way, saying it's just a massage . . . with a better feeling in the end, and she doesn't have to sacrifice her body.  Win-win, right?

Don't worry.  For the record, I'm still opting out.  I'm just saying . . . I understand.

The Pill

I recently read an interesting article in New York Magazine about how The Pill has resulted in a sort of "fertility crisis."  Not for the reasons you would think (i.e. aggressively fucking with a woman's body's natural hormonal fluctuations and cycles), but more because women often stay on it until they're well into their 30's, essentially ignoring biology to pursue careers, or just be free, and then expect to be as fertile as they would have been had they gone off it by their late 20's. 

But alas, the body doesn't work like that, and women are more frequently confronting the harsh reality that the freedom afforded them by The Pill has been accompanied by the potential cost of not being able to have children.  In a way, by comparing themselves to men, or maybe more accurately, needing to compete with men in a very real way in order to gain financial independence, women have neglected to fully acknowledge genuine physical differences that, I won't say limit them, so much as should probably lead them to reevaluate and create different, viable paths . . . if they even want to have children.  I think somewhere in the article there was talk about women having children in their 20's, when their bodies are most receptive to that, and starting careers later in life, altering the new traditional paradigm.

Generally, feminist organizations adamantly support The Pill and attack women who suggest alternate paths, such as the one I just mentioned, as anti-feminist, and supporting the male agenda.  But the article eloquently points out that it has been a very long time since men have viewed women as threats who need to be disarmed through incapacitation, “There’s a strain of feminist thought that’s still trapped in the mind-set that the male patriarchy wants women pregnant and has been withholding things like abortion and contraception from them because of it.”  The whole point of the article is to say that The Pill, while shockingly safe and pretty magical, is not completely magical in that it does not change the fact that women's ability to get pregnant decreases with age.

Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is to say that The Pill has led to people having fewer babies, and it's being called a fertility crisis. Crisis?!  I don't see what the crisis is.  Science wins again.

Here's the article, in case you want to read it: http://nymag.com/news/features/69789/

Now I Feel Unappreciated

I saw a homeless guy with a sign the other day.  It had the usual "I'm a Vietnam vet, give me money, blah blah blah" stuff going on, but then at the end, it said, "or at least eye contact and a smile."

I do that anyway!  'Cause I'm a nice person.  But when you go and make a sign like that, now I feel like you think I'm only doing it because you told me to and that's annoying.

I guess I've just always hated being told what I'm supposed to do.  It's like, no, I knew that already and would've done that on my own.  I want to be appreciated for not having to be told what logic and common sense and basic humanity already dictate.  How else are we supposed to distinguish between the assholes and the good ones?!

Low T

Just saw one of those new prescription drug commercials.  It asked, "Are you a 45-year-old male who doesn't feel like he used to?  No energy for those 18 holes?  No more passion for women like you had?  No fun for dancing?"  Then they went on to say, "You may be suffering from a condition called, 'Low Testosterone,' or 'Low T.'"

No shit!  You're 45!  Of course you don't feel like you used to!  Of course your testosterone levels are dropping!  They're supposed to!  That's not a condition, it just is!  Enjoy your newfound freedom from obsessing over sex 24 hours a day, and get some reading done, or something.  Jesus.

Muff-ins

I was having lunch with my married friend the other day, and we saw a smoking hot girl.  She was wearing knee-high socks and a skirt, showing just the right amount of thigh.  Then, she bent over to more thoroughly study the bottom-shelf muffins, accidentally exposing her glowing, smooth, perfectly tan, taut--Whoa!  Sorry.  I just blacked out there for a second.  What was I talking about? Oh yeah!--she exposed her breathtaking 19-year-old ass, in her cute, white boy shorts, and my friend turned to me and said, "You know, the only thing I miss about unmarried life . . . is fucking lots of girls.  That's it."

Which, obviously, is hilarious because, what else is there to miss?!  That's the whole thing! 

Then, later, we again found ourselves talking about the muffin girl's muff, and my buddy shook his head and said, "If my wife knew the shit we talked about..."  And I asked, "Would she actually care?"  And he replied, "C'mon.  Let's keep it real.  I don't think she'd be too thrilled to hear me perving out on some teenage girl's knickers."

My Soulmate

There's a new documentary on HBO called Public Speaking.  It's directed by Martin Scorsese and features Fran Lebowitz, the famed New York author, who may actually be more famous for her several-decade-long bout of writer's block.  Anyway, I think Fran is my soulmate . . . if only she were straight, hot, and, like, 23 years old . . .  Oh, well.  Here's a preview of the film:

Green Means Go

This is how stupid people are: Sometimes, at intersections, there are cops directing traffic exactly as the fully functional traffic lights above their heads dictate.  Ugh.

Curmudgeon Mailing List!

Hello, my loyal Curmudgeon followers!  You'll (hopefully) be happy to know that I finally got around to setting up a mailing list for The Curmudgeon.  This required some technological prowess I didn't know I possessed, but it is now done.  Now, every time there's a new post, it will be sent directly to your email! . . . As long as you write your email address in the box at the top of the blog and click SUBSCRIBE.

Keep in mind, it still helps me if you go to the blog itself, AND, there are often videos posted that won't be viewable in the email you receive, but it's a great shortcut for those days you're in a rush or even, God forbid, forget to check the blog itself.  Please refer all your friends to the blog and tell them to subscribe to the mailing list, too! 

You can still also follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ImTheCurmudgeon . . . (I know; Twitter.)

Thanks for reading, and enjoy!
--The Curmudgeon

P.S. Warning: a lot of email accounts are redirecting the mailing list confirmation emails to spam, so please make sure you check your spam box.  Thanks!

Schleps

Why do Orthodox Jews always look like they're in a rush?

My Favorite Music of 2010

Here it is again. My annual, end-of-the-year music list (though I last year's was a month late:
http://njfromnj.tumblr.com/post/292760542/anyone-wanna-gauge-how-not-ok-i-am-i-actually ). I recognize that not all of these songs were released in 2010, maybe not even most of them. It's my list, and these are the songs I listened to the most in 2010. This isn't a music blog; deal with it. This takes time and effort to compile, so fucking appreciate it...and enjoy it... Oughta keep you busy for a while:

1. Rural Alberta Advantage's "In The Summertime" and "Don't Haunt This Place." "In The Summertime" is probably my favorite song of the year. I still have yet to tire of it:





2. Frightened Rabbit's "Nothing Like You" and "Swim Until You Can't See Land." This is far and away one of my favorite (relatively) new bands. I liked their last album better, but this one was pretty fantastic, too, and their lyrics are pretty damn good:





3. We Were Promised Jetpacks' "Keeping Warm." These guys remind me of Frightened Rabbit, who, as just mentioned, I love. This song has a little too much instrumental action going on for a vocals guy like myself, so feel free to skip the first four minutes to get to the meat...though the build-up is rather nice:



4. Phoenix's "Countdown (Sick for the Big Sun)." Yeah, everyone's heard about these guys by now, but this is one of their less-appreciated awesome songs:



5. Ra Ra Riot's "Can You Tell." They're like a better version of Vampire Weekend. They just released a new album this year, but this one is off their older, better album. Sorry, guys:



6. Vampire Weekend's "Cousins." Now, having just said what I just said about Vampire Weekend, they do have some pretty good songs, too. Here's one of the better ones. Plus, their new album was better than their first:



7. The Long Winters' "Portland (acoustic)." This band's really good and never gets any credit:



8. The Format's "Faith in Fast Cars (acoustic)." Great band. No longer in existence. Reincarnated as Fun...not as good:



9. Greg Laswell's "I'd Be Lying" and "Comes And Goes (In Waves)." This guy's made a few pretty good albums already:





10. Broken Bells' "The High Road." Broken Bells are the lead singer of The Shins and Danger Mouse, and they put out a pretty great album this year:



11. Aqueduct's "Just The Way I Are." This song is years old, by a band no one's really heard of, off an amazing album, with the kind of depressing lyrics that I like, and it reminds of someone specific, so it was in heavy rotation this year. I could only find a poor quality live version:



12. Nas and Damian Marley's "Patience." So not my normal bag, but I had this thing on repeat for, like, two months!



13. Harvey Danger's "Pike St./Park Slope." An incredible, old, obscure song from a band that, unfortunately, is only known for "Flagpole Sitta":



14. Weezer's "Kids/Pokerface." Self-explanatory. Kinda sad that Weezer's best new songs are covers, but this is pretty awesome. I especially love the part at the beginning when he fucks up what year it is!



15. Steel Train's "Bullet" and "Fast Asleep." Now, granted this is a friend's band, but these are some pretty great songs. I wouldn't force them upon you otherwise... Promise:





16. Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over." Sure, everyone and their mother's heard this song by now...especially since they used it in the preview for that shit-bomb, Eat, Pray, Cock...but for good goddamn reason:



17. Old 97's "The Magician." I've loved these guys for a very long time. This is off their new album, and this was the best version I could find:



18. Dave Smallen's "America." Never heard of this guy and don't even remember how I ended up with this song, but it popped up on shuffle, and I've taken quite a shining to it:



19. Cee-Lo Green's "Fuck You." Another popular one by now, but fuck that "forget you" version. This is the way it was meant to be:



20. The Revivalists' "Soulfight." Don't remember how I even heard of this one, but I don't care. This was the only version I could find. Quality's pretty eh:



21. Clem Snide's "Faithfully." Well, it's not really Clem Snide's; it's Journey's. Regardless, this is an awesome cover it:


Clem Snide covers Journey

22. Elvis Perkins' "While You Were Sleeping." Pretty haunting song, especially when you delve a little deeper into the subject matter. Hint: this is off an album that deals with his mother's death on one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers on September 11th. Yeah. I know. Stop bringing us down, right? So selfish:



23. Noah's "Cheers to the Vampires." This is my little brother, and he's really fucking good...I think. Didn't have a video to embed because he recorded this on his bathroom floor (hence the recording quality) one exceptionally depressing evening, or "Tuesday," as he likes to call it, so here's a link. Listen:
http://njfromnj.tumblr.com/post/292760542/anyone-wanna-gauge-how-not-ok-i-am-i-actually

If Anything, I Care TOO Much

I'm trying to sort out if my complete lack of interest in most other people and everything they do means I'm selfish, or that I just care that much more genuinely about the people who are actually close to me...

God Is Great!...Sometimes

My level of tolerance for a girl's inane religious beliefs varies directly with her hotness.

Wizard of Just Plain Rude

It always bothered me that at the end of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy, right in front of everyone, tells the Scarecrow she's going to miss him the most. Kind of insulting to the others, don't ya think? Even as a kid I thought that. At least discreetly slip him a note, or something.

Sweet 17

I've been helping a buddy of mine look at apartments to purchase, an ongoing ordeal since he is, wisely, being extremely selective given the awesomeness of his current abode. Finally, a week ago, for the first time since we first started looking a while ago, we saw one that he loved right away! We walked out, and he knew he wanted to make an offer. To protect the identity of my friend, not that there's anything incriminating in this post, we'll call the apartment complex "Ocean Gardens."

So, the other night, after this same friend went on a date, I called him to ask how it went. And he goes, "She was pretty and cool, but she was no Ocean Gardens. When I fall in love, I kinda wanna feel what I felt when I first set my eyes on unit 17 . . ."

And you know what? He's absolutely right. When you know . . . you know . . . said the single guy . . .

What's Left to Say?

The rap, the dancing, the recycling of characters no one missed...and how about the narrator's voice in the second clip?! Ugh.

Defective Children

My friend recently got married. He's 40, his wife is 33. They're both awesome and are in no rush with the big life stuff like kids. But, he and I were walking one day and we saw a dad with his little baby in a baby bjorn, and my buddy goes, "Can you imagine? That could be me in five years."

And I was like, hmm, that's crazy, but I guess it also makes sense. Women have that there clock to worry about, and his wife would be almost 40 in five years, and they say the longer you wait to have kids, the greater the chance that the baby isn't healthy. He acknowledged this and then said, "If only there were a way to delay another five years..."

So I asked him, "If you could be given an extra five years, but you knew your kid would definitely be one of those sick, weak-immune-system, spontaneous-nose-bleed kids, nothing life threatening or majorly debilitating, as a result, would you do it?"

He thought about it for a minute, laughed, and then said, "No. . . . But what does it say about me that I'd consider it?!"

You Failed

I was on a first date recently, and not a particularly good one at that, but the girl was kinda beautiful so I figured I'd at least give it one more shot and follow up. I texted or called, don't remember which, but never heard back. I wasn't going to chase beyond that, but I was definitely curious what her assessment of me/the date was. This stuff fascinates me because everyone is so different!

So, because she was a friend of a friend's friend, I asked my friend to ask his friend to ask her why she didn't want to go on a second date, and to stress that she be honest because I wasn't going to find out, even though that last part was a lie. This is for science, people. Anyway, it turns out she didn't like my sense of humor. When I heard that, my reaction was, "Oh. Well she's wrong. That's awesome." Because I'm fine with my sense of humor as is, and it's not like she thought I was ugly, so I felt like I wouldn't have done anything differently, you know.

And that got me thinking: wouldn't post-date report cards be kind of amazing?! If people weren't such hyper-sensitive pussies and could handle some criticism, they'd become so much more self-aware, and probably way less awful to be around. You know, a few standard questions like, "Did your date talk about exes too much, not at all, or just enough?", or "Did your date get too drunk or not drunk enough?", or "Did your date order dinner even though you only asked her out for fucking drinks?!" And then there'd be a comment section at the end for you to freestyle a little. Then, if you got three date report cards in a row that said, "Rambles on about her ugly cat way too much," you might say to yourself, "Gee, maybe it's weird that I'm so focused on my disgusting cat all the time. What does that say about me?" Although, most likely you'd think, "Men are such insensitive, animal-hating jerks! Everyone's wrong but me." And, of course, the ones doing the grading would probably take out their own issues on the ones being graded. Because people are retarded and self-centered and massively insecure. But if this post-date-report-card system could save even one person . . . just one person . . .

Walk Nicer

Whenever I'm walking, and I'm behind an old person who's moving really slowly, I'm always hesitant to pass them because I feel bad reminding them of their decrepitude. It's like, you know they don't want to be moving that slowly; they don't want it to take an hour to walk one block. So when you motor by them at three miles per hour, I feel that it's like saying, "See what you used to be able to do?!" and therefore reminding them of their impending death.

So I try to pass them at a relatively slow rate so they can feel like they haven't dropped off that much. So they can think, "Hey! That guy's half my age and he's barely passing me!", you know. Then, as soon as I turn the corner, and they can't see me anymore...it's off to the races!

Veterinarians

I just overheard someone telling a friend that she's a vegetarian, and the friend was like, "Well, I guess I can cook a vegetarian stuffing, and..." then I stopped listening. Look, vegetarians, I totally get it...but you should know you're really fucking annoying.

I'm Getting Old

Yesterday I tried to unlock my apartment door with my electronic car key...

Hitch

Christopher Hitchens has cancer and some religious people have, therefore, publicly asked if he will now revise his atheist beliefs. Here's his response from an article/interview I just read:

"So now I know that there's another life in my body that can't outlive me but can kill me, it's the perfect moment to gratefully acknowledge that I'm a product of a cosmic design? Who thinks up these arguments? Actually it's an insulting question: 'I hear you're dying. Well wouldn't it be a good time to get rid of your beliefs?' Try it on them and see how they would like it. 'Christian, right? Cancer of the tits?' 'Well, yes, since you ask.' 'Well, can I suggest you now drop all that tripe?'"

He cracks me up. Here's the full article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/nov/14/christopher-hitchens-cancer-interview

Guilt

Growing up with Jewish parents who frequently employed guilt as a tactic of persuasion has rendered me virtually impervious to guilt. The one time I do feel guilty? When it takes me a long time to cum while receiving oral sex; I feel bad when that happens. Then, I think, well, she should do better. But then I feel bad again. And then I think, you have a girl's mouth on your penis, why are you thinking this much? And then it takes even longer. And then I feel bad some more...shortly before feeling awesome. Does that mean I'm nice?

My Brother Is A Creative Genius

After going on a mediocre date, my brother came home and, in his best movie-trailer-guy voice said, "He was a hopeless romantic . . . but he learned the hard way, that sometimes, the worst thing you can do with a girl . . . is get to know her . . ."

I Don't Know You, But You Disgust Me

I feel like I've asked this before, but are there many things more enjoyable than sitting on a public bench in a high-pedestrian-traffic area and passing shallow judgment on hapless passers-by you don't even know?

Shush!

I hooked two friends up a little while back. The guy was nervous and asking me what to say and do, and I was like, "Dude, just keep your mouth shut." She already thought he was cute and had actively asked about him. She's interested; don't screw it up.

The rules are just different for guys and girls. A girl can say whatever she wants (on a first date--over time, you still have to possess desirable personality traits), and if she's hot, the guy won't really care; he'll still hook up with her. But a girl . . . she can get turned off by anything. Anything! One false move, one wrong word, and she can be taken out of the mood like-*SNAP*-that! Talk at your own peril, fellas.

Now if I could only heed my own advice . . .

Crosswords

What's the proper etiquette for completing the crossword puzzles in periodicals in public waiting rooms? You can do them, right?

Should I Start A Dating Consultation Firm?

When hooking up with multiple girls over short spans of time, sequence is of paramount importance. You gotta schedule the one who's a little rough with your junk last, because if you get beaten up at the start of your rotation, you're never gonna make it to the end. Also, I've found it best to increase the hotness level as you progress, because with each coming night (no pun intended) it takes more to get you excited. And, if you have a first date, it's a good idea to sandwich it in the middle because you can probably benefit from the physical reprieve, and your confidence will be peaking seeing as you just hooked up the other night and know you will be again in the near future. You're welcome.

JAM It Up Your Ass, Brah

I hate guitar solos, and I hate the people who obsessively like them. Same goes for jams and jam bands...ugh. Why are you so excited that Phish played a 74-minute version of one of their already-shitty songs?! (Sorry, Dave, Danny, and Micah.) That's retarded, not a selling point! You should be demanding a refund for the cost of your ticket!

Now, that being said, I fucking love the guitar solo at around the four-minute mark of Dinosaur Jr.'s "Get Me." I'm a hypocrite. So what? It's my blog; I do what I want. Listen to it. So good...

I couldn't find the original album version with the solo I like, but this is a good acoustic version:

Know When To Shut Your Face

Isn't it especially obnoxious when someone screws you over and then says something like, "Well, we can all learn from this, at least."? Really? What did I learn? That you're an asshole? Maybe a neutral party can say something like this, but certainly not the offender. If you're exposed as a terrible person, please just walk away...

Millionaire Matchmaker

A few months back, I had the misfortune of catching a couple episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker. That woman, Patti, is out of control. Abrasive, bitchy, hard on the eyes . . . and how defensive can someone be about ageism?! Patti, you didn't have trouble getting guys because of your age; you had trouble attracting men because you're fucking frightening and it looks like you let a three-year-old apply your makeup with finger paint.

Time for Takeoff, Asshole!

Seriously, how hard is it to back out of a parking spot? I'm all for taking your time if no one's waiting, but when you see a line of cars behind the car waiting for your spot, please stop being a self-centered asshole and vacate in a timely fashion.

My recently departed grandfather :( used to call these people "pilots," because, he said, it's like they have a laundry list of gauges to check before takeoff.

Don't be a pilot . . . unless you're actually flying my plane.

Selfish Cancer

(I have no idea what this recent preponderance of cancer posts is all about, but...)

I asked my friend what she was doing for Halloween weekend, and she was like, "Well, not sure yet because I'm running a 10K for cancer early Sunday morning."

Fuck cancer! It's not going anywhere. Cancer ruins enough lives. Can't it give us Halloween weekend off, for Christ's sake?!

Self-Proclaimed Ignoramus

I saw a nice, new BMW recently with the inane bumper sticker, "Easily distracted by bright shiny objects."

I don't think I'm even capable of articulating how much this pains me. Not because I care about cars, because I don't (see here: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/06/guys-guys.html ), though the principle of so moronically devaluing your own property certainly irks me, but because knowing this stupid, idiotic person thinks he/she is being cute/funny and is circulating in general population just makes my skin crawl. Really? You're comparing yourself to a tiny-brained animal? Shiny objects distract you? Then hopefully you'll be distracted by the glare from the blade of my knife as I bludgeon your face with it.

There's A Test, And Everything...

Guess what? If we're driving towards each other on a two-way street and there's enough room for two cars, don't expect me to pull to the side, because it's not gonna happen. It's incumbent upon you to know how to drive. Call me idealistic, but that's the assumption under which I operate when you choose to get behind the wheel of a car.

Oh, Heeeyyy

A guy I know was telling me about how he was banging this girl in front of a mirror recently, and because he's been working out so much lately, he was turned on by himself. Does that make him gay, or just vain?

I Don't Care If I'm In Antarctica!

I hate when any establishment adjusts its thermostat according to the weather outside. The indoor temperature should always be 72 degrees. Always. You'll adjust. No need to be so reactionary.

Ugh! I Can't Believe I Have To Wait My Turn

I love these people at cafes who, after ordering, exhale incredulously every time anyone other than them has his/her order called. They're giving them out in the exact sequence in which the orders were taken. Chill the fuck out. Just because you finally made it to the counter to place your order doesn't mean the entire line of people that was in front of you when you walked in magically disappeared.

Por, No?

I have a female friend who was telling me and a buddy that all women like porn. We argued that 100% of men like porn, whether they admit it or not, and agreed that a much higher percentage of women than admit it enjoy porn, but not all.

So, if my female readers can please, anonymously if you prefer, comment on this post and honestly report whether you do or do not like porn, I'd be much obliged. This is for science people, so even if you don't normally comment, which is most of you, please do so now. I fully recognize that this isn't a significant sample size, but if even one of you says you honestly don't like porn, then it proves my point. Thank you...

Oh, and if you're a guy who honestly does not like porn, then please comment, too. . . though you're obviously lying.

Shakespeare Did NOT Have OCD

I recently read a biography about William Shakespeare (though it was more an account of how little we actually know about him), and in it they say that none of his manuscripts was found among his personal effects at the time of his death because, at that time, the owners of the theaters that put on the plays actually owned the plays themselves. The writers just received a relatively meager, one-time fee and handed over their written work.

Now, I know the printing press had been invented already, but there were no printers or copying machines. I never would've been able to write more than, like, three plays in my entire life if I lived back then because my borderline OCD would've required me to hand copy several copies of everything I wrote for fear that the theater company might lose the original, or the lone copy might get stolen, etc... I would've spent the bulk of my existence copying down what I'd already written!

Hyperbole?

The new season of MTV's Real World-Road Rules Challenge is called Cutthroat, and the big, physical confrontation at the end of each episode takes place in an arena that is being called "The Gulag." Now, I'm not a doctor or anything, but something tells me, if you survived an actual gulag, you might find this highly offensive, if not slightly hyperbolic. While I know the gulags weren't technically full-on death camps (despite high mortality rates), what's next, MTV? Is next season's gladiatorial battleground going to be called Auschwitz?

Uppers & Downers

I'll preface this by saying, I always put the toilet seat down after I pee, the result of both being raised by a single mother and an aesthetic preference.

But seriously, what's this absurdity with women assuming they have the right to dictate the default state of a toilet seat? Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Last I checked, about half the population has dicks, but you don't see us throwing a tantrum every time we walk into a bathroom where the seat is down, thus requiring the same effort on our part to adjust the seat according to our needs. In fact, I would argue that it takes more effort to lift the seat than it does to just drop it. And, you'd think women would prefer the seat to be up in between uses because that would diminish the chances of a lazy dude (of whom there is no shortage) micturating (look it up...if the context clues aren't doing it for you) all over the seat.

The only argument I find semi-coherent is that women always need the seat down, and even guys need it down some of the time, thus showing that three out of four below-the-waist bodily expulsions necessitate a seat that is in the downward position. But, this is deceptive because it's based on categorical variables rather than quantitative ones. And what that means is, while 75% of bathroom categories (man pee, man poop, girl pee, girl poop...though we all know that last one is as mythical as the female orgasm) require the seat be down, the actual volume of pees so vastly outweighs the volume of poops that this seemingly reasonable argument is, practically speaking, rendered null and void.

Bottom line, I'll keep putting the seat down if you promise to shut the fuck up when someone else does not.

Reality TV?

Why does every sitcom always have a semi-serious episode in which someone falsely accuses someone else of something terrible as part of some ridiculous misunderstanding and then apologizes later? And the person accused is always someone who would totally do exactly what he is being accused of, but because this is the one time he isn't guilty, he feels justified in getting all self-righteous.

Like the episode of ALF where ALF gets accused of eating the family cat when it really just ran away, or something. ALF gets all offended (in English, of course, which is clearly the native tongue of all those who hail from Melmac) that the family doesn't believe him, even though every single day since his spaceship crashed into their work shed he's either tried to eat the cat or at least made a joke about it.

Am I missing something? Is this something that happens frequently in the real world? I'm honestly asking because I don't think I've ever falsely accused anyone of anything...ever. Nor would I put up with some asshole, who in the past has repeatedly done whatever he was accused of, incredulously pontificate about how hurt he is that his accusers would think so little of him. No way in hell. That little sermon would end real fast.

Bag Ladies...And Gentlemen

I think people under-appreciate the value of a good bagger at the supermarket. That shit's a science. Separate hot from cold, soft from hard, heavy from light, double-bag when necessary...the permutations are endless, and there's a whole hierarchy involved. And for all the times they get it right, you really only notice when they screw up (an egg is cracked, your chips are crushed, your cold drink isn't cold anymore because it's next to your soup, etc.), and that doesn't seem fair.

That's Just Maff

I saw a store recently, and painted on the window, like, permanently stenciled and painted on the window, were the words, "We are always 50% off!" Ummm...then no, you're not. Get it? It's not like this place carried other people's products and then sold those for half the normal listing price; this was a boutique clothing store with its own line. If you're always 50% off, then that's just 100% the price. Sorry.

Pump The Brakes, Shorty

Pet peeve: when people continue to call/text/email when you haven't called, texted, or written back yet. I'm not retarded. I'm not gonna suddenly have time now that you called for the sixth time in a row. I'll get back to you, though your incessant badgering is making my subconscious want to punish you by never responding. Chill.

Legal Advice

I was talking to some friends the other day, and we were trying to figure something out. We have naked pictures of girls we hooked up with in high school, that we took, consensually, back when we, too, were in high school. So if our apartments were ever raided (for God knows what reason), and they found those pictures (which would be kinda nice, because I can't remember where they are), could we be convicted of being in possession of child pornography?

I said, no, because the photographs were taken by us when we were underage, as well. There's no way you're required to sift through all of your pictures immediately upon turning 18 and throw out any "inappropriate" (i.e. - so appropriate) ones. That pretty clearly seems to be too big of a burden placed on the average citizen in terms of forcing him/her to take action.

A more interesting, grayer-area question would be, what if you were caught in the act of masturbating to said photos? Aha!

Also, as a fun exercise, we came up with a few more intriguing, Talmud-esque variations on this theme: what if you're caught in possession of a picture of yourself from when you were still a minor? And, what if you get caught whacking it to that old picture of yourself?! Is it still illegal, even though it's you?! Furthermore, another friend added this wrinkle: what if you accidentally stumble upon an old picture of a young, naked girl from your high-school days while with a girl (of legal age), and that girl you're with starts jerking you off to the picture of the underage girl, so that you had no active role in it?!

These are the topics they should be broaching in Philosophy 101 at colleges. Not this Descartes and Kant crap... By the way, if anyone has any actual answers or interesting opinions on these matters, please feel free to comment.

(Special thanks to "The Universe," "Paps," and Pete...)

Uni-tard

I saw some girl on a unicycle the other day. She was riding it all casually and stopped right in front of me and pretended to read a sign, as if it's normal to ride a unicycle, and she's not a complete fucking freak who's screaming for attention.

Billie Fucking Jean

How many times can one song be played over the course of nearly thirty years and still make you want to sing along every time?!?!

All for Naught

I hate theater. Plays, musicals . . . I'm sorry, but they're just awful. Yes, all of them. Singing your lines? Seriously? Get the fuck out of my face with that. It just requires way too much suspension of disbelief. I can't get into it.

Look, I understand why plays were great when that was the best we could do, but we've advanced since then! You don't see people using ice boxes anymore; we stopped when the refrigerator came along. That's why we have movies now, where we get to make sure everything looks and sounds right (theoretically, of course. In actuality, most of these are complete shit bombs, too...just not as bad as plays) before we parade them around for public consumption. You're not confined to one stage or limited set dressing and props, or constrained by the time it takes your actors to change outfits...

Yes, I appreciate that much theater is very artfully written, and I appreciate that live performances require much more skill and effort on the part of the actors...I just don't care! I care about the end product. It's wasted effort, if you ask me.

Still with the Cancer?

So, my last post, a response to the negative responses to my cervical cancer joke, got more responses than the original post that prompted my first response. Therefore, in the interest of fairness, I've chosen to reprint one of the responses from a friend whose opinion I respect, and my response to that response. Pretty responsible of me, huh?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the number of responses actually reflects the veracity of an argument. I don't think truth should be determined democratically. Everyone thought the Earth was flat, but that didn't make it so. Likewise, most people believe in God...

Point is, I thought this was an eloquent analysis of why people may have been/should have the right to be offended. Whether I agree or not, it forced me to more clearly state why I feel the way I do. Anyway, if you're still reading, here's his response, followed by mine...

HIM: "I just saw your last blog post about cancer. I totally respect that your stance is nothing is too sacred to joke about, and in fact, that is often a great way to make the tragic moments in life more bearable. It's a totally reasonable position, but you seem so dismayed that not everyone feels this way!

"You have to acknowledge that some of your fans/readers just don't agree with your stance on everything, no? That's the beauty of your blog: you write funny, controversial stuff and you don't compromise or pander. But the trade-off is that that you have to respect everyone else's viewpoints as well and take pains not to use your blog as a "bully pulpit." I don't think they are being quite as unreasonable as you seem to think. Some people take stuff more seriously than you do (or at least more seriously than you do in your blog)--that's okay, too.

"Thank god we live in America. I wouldn't want an authoritarian regime to tell me I had to make light of everything any more than I would want to be told that everything must be deadly serious."

ME: "I agree with most of what you're saying. One of my major issues with life/humanity is that I feel people take things WAY too seriously. I feel like so many people often SEEK OUT reasons to be offended and be self-righteous...maybe because it makes them feel better about their own shortcomings when they get to preach to other people about how they should be more sensitive? I really think the world would be a lot better off if people weren't so easily outraged about stuff that's not even intended as an attack.

"Now, granted, I most certainly represent the other extreme. There's probably a pretty strong argument that I don't take things seriously enough, and that's likely because, relative to the rest of the world, I've led an extremely charmed life (though I think that's also my natural disposition). I just find it amusing when people who read my blog, and know me, and know what I write about, and tell me how hilarious they find other stuff that can be interpreted as way more offensive than that one joke, then draw arbitrary lines in the sand. So I felt the need to explain why I think that liking that joke, and the joke itself, in no way SUPPORTS cancer, which is what would be offensive. No one HAS TO find it funny, but I guess I do kinda feel they HAVE TO not be offended by it. . . .

"Amendment: like you said, you can't mandate emotional states, so maybe I shouldn't say you CAN'T be offended, but if you are, you should be required to understand WHY before you open your trap!"

Done. Thanks for reading...

Cancer Isn't Funny

Duh. We can all agree on that, right? Apparently not. I've received several less-than-thrilled responses to my previous post ( http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2010/10/joke.html ). But you know what? I'm glad. Because this gives me the opportunity to discuss why people are illogically over-sensitive.

Clearly (I fucking hope!), I do not support cervical cancer. Clearly, being a fan of my blog does not mean that you support cervical cancer...even if there is a joke in which "cervical cancer" is the punchline posted on my blog. Furthermore, actual cancer is not what makes the joke in which "cervical cancer" was the punchline funny. The humor lies, first, in the misdirection of the question, and then in the absurdity of making a joke whose punchline is "cervical cancer," because it's SO clear that cancer is not funny. Laughing at this joke in no way demands that you find cancer funny. Just because the word "cancer" is said, and there's a joke in the immediate vicinity, does not mean you are required to be offended.

My father had a very scary episode with a brain tumor a few years back; that does not preclude me from enjoying the scene in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold Schwarzenegger screams, "It's not a tumor!" just because it's a joke in which "tumor" is the punchline.

So, in conclusion, all offendees can now relax in knowing that their readership in no way condones or contributes to the spread of actual cervical cancer in any way. You're welcome.

Joke

Q: What's black and eats a lot of pussy?




A: Cervical cancer.

I Might As Well Get An Ed Hardy T-Shirt While I'm At It

I recently caved and got a Blackberry because my old flip phone finally died on me...may she rest in peace. I instantly became a douche. It was incredible. There was no adjustment period or gradual, Kafkaesque metamorphosis. I'm on it constantly, I'm rude as hell whenever people are around, and I'm perpetually unaware of my surroundings. I really hope the novelty wears off soon, because otherwise, I am going to plunge to cavernous depths of self-loathing...

The Eternal Optimist

I just realized that it's still possible for me to fulfill one of my childhood dreams: a threesome with Nicole Eggert and Alyssa Milano. In fact, I would argue that it becomes even more possible with each passing year.

Hurry!...You Degenerate

I was at the airport recently, and I saw some woman frantically, comically running. I don't know why, but I get so annoyed whenever I see people rushing. Now, this was at an airport; I realize this. There's a pretty high probability this woman's flight was delayed, and she was rushing to make her connection. Hell, maybe her child had just been snatched by some creeper in a trench coat, and she was running to get help. I don't know.

What I do know, is that I had a strong, negative, visceral reaction to her dramatic flailing, and I wanted to understand why. I think it's because I don't respect people who can't budget their time properly. I'm almost NEVER late, so to me, if you're in such a rush that you have to actually break into a run in public, then you're probably an incompetent fuck-up, and I don't want to have any personal dealings with you.

:(

Was gonna write my usual blather, but then I heard the sad news: Greg Giraldo died of an overdose! For those of you who don't know, he was an awesome, under-appreciated comedian who I've been a big fan of for many years. Anyway, sad stuff. Here are a few clips for your enjoyment:

Jaywalking

Here's my stance: if you can't make it across a street on your own, the world's probably better off without you. I'm going with Natural Selection on this one...

With Friends Like These, I Tell Ya...

For years, when I didn't have a job with normal hours, I drove my friends to and from the airport whenever they needed (as long as it wasn't before 10:00am). I recently got back into LA from NY on a Tuesday night, and everyone was miraculously busy. My friends never do anything, and suddenly, it was the busiest Tuesday fucking night of the 21st century! I literally asked like twelve fucking people. Thanks a lot...

Rich Man's Burden

This is a great article from Bill Maher. It supports what I've suspected all along: social consciousness has to be the responsibility of the wealthy because it's hard to blame someone who's struggling to get by for doing whatever he/she has to do to feed his/her family. That's why it drives me nuts when people get mad at the impoverished citizens of third world countries who kill endangered species or destroy rare, rain forest habitats. Hold the people who are paying money for that to happen accountable, not the ones working their asses off doing whatever they have to do to survive.

Sorry. Deal with it, rich people. You don't like it? Give up your money and people will stop expecting things of you. Something tells me you wouldn't be alright with that trade off, though, because you're happy where you are. So shhhh. As Chris Rock says, "Sometimes, the people with the most shit, get to say the least shit, and the people with the least shit, get to say the most shit. So if you wanna say more shit, get rid of some of your shit!"

Here's the Bill Maher article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-rich-people-who-_b_737429.html

Colbert Communes with Congress

I love this fucking guy! And I love that there are douchebags out there who take themselves so seriously they refuse to laugh. Watch and revel in Stephen Colbert's genius . . . and balls:

Sweeping The Nation? Really?

This is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. All of it. Worst commercial, worst product. Everything about it.

I think my favorite part is the girl on her phone, talking about how amazing the Fushigi Ball is . . . because she obviously couldn't wait, and had to tell someone about it immediately! I also love how they try to get a little street cred goin' at about the minute-and-a-half mark. This thing seems to really be directed at people who are failures at everything else they do because the commercial repeatedly stresses that anyone can do this. And, I'd venture to wager that you probably are a failure at everything if you end up buying one of these things.

Watch, and join me as I die a little inside:

Legs & Grapes

I was staying at my buddy's apartment in NYC last month, and I was shuffling home at about 3:00AM one night. As I was walking in, a girl with long, tan, beautiful legs was entering in front of me. I was kinda pumped to get in the elevator with her . . . and then she turned around. Face? . . . Not so much. But, I'm an affable guy, and she was holding some grapes, so I decided to make a human connection, "Some late-night grapes, huh." To which she raised her upper lip and, with great effort, managed a "Yeah."

Fuck you! I was trying to be friendly! You're not even cute, as it turns out. You don't get to be a bitch!

Reggie Watts

I'm kind of obsessed with this dude lately. Super creative, super talented, and pretty funny, too. Here are his two best videos:



This second one they wouldn't let me embed, but here's the link. It's called "What About Blow-jobs." It's amazing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3IX4y7d5_s

(feat. _____)

Is it just me, or are rappers super codependent? They can never do anything on their own, you know. When's the last time you saw a track on a hip-hop album that wasn't featuring another artist? Think about it...

I'm Doing Society A Service!

See! You should point out when women are overweight for their own good. That's science:

http://www.geekosystem.com/help-society-by-being-more-curmudgeonly/

(Thank you, little bro...)

Band-Aids Are Racist

One of my students made an interesting point today. He said, "I have an idea for an invention; I want to invent black band-aids." So I told him that I'd already seen black band-aids before. And he goes, "No, not black band-aids, but Band-Aids for black people."

And I realized, holy shit! The band-aid industry is racist! Band-aids are skin colored . . . but only for white people! How have I never heard this discussed before?! Ridiculous.

Le Pain in the Ass

I have a confession to make: I recently lifted one of my boycotts. For those of you who don't know or have forgotten, when an establishment sufficiently offends me, I cease patronizing said establishment (for my OG list and reasons, click here: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/11/boycotts.html ).

Anyway, after three years, I finally suspended my boycott against Le Pain Quotidien because I love their iced tea and didn't feel I should suffer any longer for their incompetency. I was walking in 85-plus-degree heat, in insufferably humid New York City, and I decided I needed a chamomile mint iced tea and a ten-minute reprieve from the oppressive heat. I ordered my cool, refreshing drink at the counter, went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face, and then sat down at one of, and I'm not exaggerating here, about thirty five open tables.

I was immediately bum-rushed by two employees with menus (actually, a major step up in service from my past experiences). Here's what went down:

BOTH EMPLOYEES: Would you like a menu, sir?

CURMUDGEON: No thank you. I'm just gonna have this iced tea.

At this point, the less senior employee walked away while the manager stayed to have a little chat with me:

MANAGER: Sir, we only do table service at the tables.

CURMUDGEON: Oh, sorry. I didn't realize. I bought this iced tea already, so I figured I could just sit here and drink it.

MANAGER: Well, the tables are reserved for table service only.

CURMUDGEON: (Okay, now we have a problem.) Yes, I gathered that much from when you just said it before, the first time, but A) I didn't know that when I ordered, and B) I didn't think it would be a real issue if I sat at one of your 35 unoccupied tables to drink the iced tea that I did, as it turns out, purchase at your restaurant.

MANAGER: (A beat.) I just mean for future reference.

CURMUDGEON: Thank you; I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

Le Pain Quotidien, welcome back to the boycott list. Make yourself at home.

Out-of-Context Quote

This is a quote from a cute waitress I had a few months ago. I wrote it down so I could put it up on the blog, but I've completely forgotten the context now and that makes it even funnier: "I wish you had been sleeping with me in my bed when I was five." Amazing.

Booty Pop!

Caught this amazing infomercial on my recent flight to New York. Infomercials are my favorite. And my favorite parts about this infomercial are the comic-book, action-scene font used for all the exclamations, and the super awkward dancing in the mirror. Is it weird that by the end of it I had a boner?

If Only This Guy Would Show A Little Enthusiasm

Pretty much one of the best speeches I've ever seen. Gotta love how he emphasizes the wrong words when he yells, which I'm quite certain is directly attributable to the fact that he's pacing despite not having his speech even close to memorized. Enjoy:



(Thanks, Amir!)

The SkinNY

Pretty hilarious parody:



(Very special thanks to Nads for this find!)

Carry-Off

*Guess what? If you can't get your carry-on bag into the overhead compartment on your own, then you can't carry it on. Sorry. I'm not your fucking butler just because I have a penis and you didn't want to wait for your bag after the flight. Start working out, or become more appealing to men. Either way, don't talk to me.

*If you are physically attractive, this does not apply to you.

I Want One!

I love this kid already. My favorite part: tie between "it's that rappin' steam" and "stay in school."



(Thank you, Jessica!)

AIDS Needs A New Agent

I saw an ad for a charity AIDS walk, and the picture in the ad was of a smiling 80-plus-year-old woman. I take issue with this in several ways:

A. If she has AIDS and has managed to live longer than the national average, then I'm not gonna be real motivated to participate in this walk; these "AIDS people" seem to be doing just fine without me.

B. If she has only recently contracted AIDS, then I'm just offended, because the last thing I want to think about is a sexually active granny! (Sure, maybe she got it from a transfusion, but by then it's too late! The thought of granny sex has already been implanted in your brain by the time you conceive of the transfusion alternative.)

C. If she doesn't have AIDS, and I'm just talkin' from a marketing perspective here, should you really be promoting a charity walk with a picture of someone who can, herself, barely walk?

C'mon, AIDS. You can do better than this.

SWBBA

So my friend attends AA meetings, and he and I were laughing about how all the girls at his meetings are his type. Short punky hair, tattoos, skinny jeans...whatever. This is so unfair! The equivalent would be if they had, like, Skinny Waists Big Butts Anonymous and I were allowed to attend those meetings... But it doesn't exist. I checked.

My Boy, Hawking

Stephen Hawking has a new book coming out, The Grand Design, a follow-up to A Brief History of Time, in which he finally comes around on the God topic. I've already pre-ordered it. Anyway, here's an article from the other day about him, and his new book, and God:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100902/lf_nm_life/us_britain_hawking

Patience Is A Virtue...As Is Shutting Your Pie-Hole!

If someone you're close with breaks up with someone you didn't like, here's a little tip: wait a while before un-damming a river of vitriolic criticism about how terrible that person was. Do you and your buddy/sibling/whoever both a favor and wait! Because when they get back together with the asshole, it's gonna be super awkward, I assure you.

I Hear Barry Bonds Knows A Guy Who Knows A Guy

Seriously, does anyone watch the WNBA? Enough already. Experiment failed. Next idea.

Suggestion: legalize steroids and HGH in women's sports. Then maybe things could get interesting. If I saw a 'roid-raging chick with meaty lats, a hairy back, and shriveled raisin-testicles shatter the glass backboard while dunking in someone's face, I'd watch.

Side note: God is totally going to punish me with a daughter who plays like twelve different sports...

The Big Crapple...Still

My friend sent me this article today. Granted it's a joke, and granted I already wrote it over a year ago...twice ( http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/05/big-crapple.html , http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/06/big-crapple-appendix.html )... but it still bears repeating. Why? Why do so many people love New York so much?

Here's the article: http://www.theonion.com/articles/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c,18003/

(Special thanks to Renfy...)

The South Will Never Rise Again . . . (Pretty Please, Non-Existent God)

A few months back I caught a short documentary on HBO called, Right America: Feeling Wronged. The filmmaker (in the interest of full disclosure, Nancy Pelosi's daughter, Alexandra) traveled to Republican rallies in middle America, where she felt the true base of the Republican party was not being sufficiently represented, even on Fox News, where, she contended, the higher-ups choose "city" Republicans and practiced on-air personalities rather than real members of its constituency.

Her feeling was that people in the middle of the country often traveled to traditionally liberal cities like New York and LA for vacation, but that most people from these cities never got to see the average Americans in those places less-traveled. And she wanted to capture that.

In the end, and this is my take, I think she ends up showing that the reason Fox News and the Republican party neglect to give their actual base more air time is because such a large number of their voting constituents are a complete embarrassment, with their blatant xenophobia, racism, and blind repetition of talking points, that to publicly display them would actually be a serious liability to their retention of a significant number of rational conservative voters.

My conclusion is simple: the South is fucking terrifying. Here are a few highlights I jotted down... At several junctures, Pelosi asks how people feel about the possibility of Obama being elected President, to which people very openly and proudly state that they aren't ready for a black President! One guy says he isn't ready because he was brought up "old school." What the fuck?! That is seriously old school. That's pre-Emancipation Proclamation old, dude! When did "old school" = racist? I thought it meant, like, you still prefer to write things by hand, you don't use a calculator, and you think I Love Lucy is funny...

Another guy says, "I'm not too partial to blacks," and justifies this by saying he's from the South. He then tells Pelosi that if it were up to him, she still wouldn't be allowed to vote. Another jackass unflinchingly pontificates, "I ain't votin' for no nigger!" Yet another intrepidly moronic individual declares that America is "chicken shit" for not allowing the Confederate flag just because it offends black people. Totally. Black people are such whiny pussies about that whole slavery thing, huh? I mean, get over it already, people (sarcasm). This same guy then breaks down crying about how immigrants get all the rights and "we get nothing." Wow.

I think my favorite segment shows a series of people who are absolutely certain that Obama is a Muslim who is secretly in cahoots with bin Laden. A couple of them make the same retarded joke (only, scarily, they're not joking) about how Obama's going to swear in on the Qur'an if he's elected. One guy even incredulously proclaims that when he gets sworn in, Obama is going to say his name is Barack Hussein Obama... That IS his name!!! Jesus!

I mean, I'm kinda torn here. While I want to highly recommend this film, I'm scared that if another country got a hold of this video we'd be doomed once they saw how utterly stupid we are. I'm thinking we should have another Civil War, but without the blood. Those who rely on rational thought and critical reasoning can get the coasts, and everyone else can have the middle. Govern accordingly.

Anyway, I couldn't decide between a million clips, so I just decided to provide the first 10 minutes of the movie, and you can pursue this further if you're so inclined:

You Don't Know Me!

How dare she try to reduce me to a short list of six generalizations?! . . . I deserve at least eight! Here's an article about how to love a curmudgeon . . . as if it's possible not to:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/how-to-love-a-curmudgeon_b_700091.html

(Thank you, Jessica!)

Legalize Fabulous-Fitting T-shirts

I wore one of those "Legalize Gay" T-shirts the other day because, hey, I can be an activist (plus, I'm a Jew, and it was on sale). But also, I wore it because it fits great! And honestly, is there anything gayer than that?

I Don't Know If You're Used To Guys Treating You Like Shit, But...

...just because I'm nice to you doesn't mean I like like you.

Lucky Gays...

It's no wonder gay guys are so fit. For them, the locker room is like a candy store! I'd work out a hell of a lot more if I knew that before and after every workout I'd be surrounded by glistening naked titties! . . . Actually, come to think of it, I'd probably never make it out of the locker room.

Stating The Obvious

Do we really need the brightly lit "no smoking" signs above every seat on airplanes anymore? I think we know. Which reminds me:

Eat, Pray, Die Already

The sheer existence of Eat, Pray, Love as an entity annoys me enough as is, but if you buy the copy of the book that has Julia Roberts on the cover, you deserve to suffer a death by paper cuts from that very copy of the book...

Should This Guy Even Be ALLOWED To Smile?

Found this on a photography website that I really love ( http://blog.yimmyayo.com/ ), and it cracked me up, so figured I'd share it...

NYC Subway PSA

Seriously? Did the MTA hire the Hallmark greeting card guys to write their PSA's now? "You can't hold on to your children forever..."? Nice segue. How much did that one cost taxpayers?

(Special thanks to Nads for the photographic assist...)

Where Ya Lookin', Buddy?

You know someone just took a shit if they avoid eye contact when exiting the bathroom...

Eat Me

So, I was tutoring one of my students in Chemistry the other day, and he exhaled, put his pen down on the desk, stopped working, and looked up at me, pensively.

ME: What's up?

STUDENT: You ever wonder what humans taste like?

He then proceeded to tell me about how he wants to make a pact with someone in which they agree to include in their wills that whichever of them dies first will let the other eat him.

Sometimes I enjoy what I do...

ENUFH Is ENUFH

The jackass in front of me the other day had a personalized license plate that read, "3S ENUFH."

Yeah, but zero would've been better.

Mistaken Identity

August 9th marked the anniversary of Jerry Garcia's death, and it made remember the time, back in high school, when he died. I was on a summer trip with a bunch of other 15 and 16 year olds, and I remember all the kids around me suddenly going nuts and crying. So I asked one of the less-distressed, semi-coherent hippies what was going on, and she said, "Jerry Garcia died!"

Now, while I didn't really care for the Grateful Dead, I did know who Jerry Garcia was. But, for whatever reason, and this is the first time I'm telling anyone this, when she said Jerry Garcia, I thought of Andy Garcia, the underrated actor. Hilarious, right? And I remember thinking to myself, "Yeah, he was a good actor, and all (by that point he'd done such classics as Black Rain, When A Man Loves A Woman, and Jennifer 8, which co-starred Uma Thurman as a blind woman...full frontal, by the way), but I never realized how much people loved this guy..." That's because they didn't. Wrong Garcia.

You Were So NOT There...with THAT

Watch this:



I had State Farm insurance for a while, and god knows I wished for a hot chick in nerdy glasses millions of times! She never spontaneously materialized on my couch! Never! In fact, I'm still friends with my former State Farm agent, and she reads this blog. Jacki, what the fuck?! Am I legally owed this retroactively? Because I want to collect.

Although, in State Farm's defense, I never did actually sing the full jingle out loud...

(Happy birthday, Jacki!)

Another Register Sign

You know how some fast food establishments have those signs at the register that say, "If we forget to give you a receipt, your meal is free!"? Well, Subway has one of these now except theirs reads, "Ask for a receipt. If you don't get one, your meal is free."

What?! What fucked up hiring policy are you implementing if there's even a remote chance one of your employees could be so insane they'd deny a customer who specifically requested one, a receipt?! Has this ever happened? What an empty gesture. I mean, just imagine that scenario for a second:

CUSTOMER: Can I please have a receipt with that?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: No.

CUSTOMER: Huh? I want a receipt. It says right here you have to give me one.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Sorry.

And that's when the customer should start slowly backing away from the counter. Because when that customer then points out that his meal is now free, I'm sure that employee will be totally reasonable about reimbursing his credit card. Again, ridiculous.

Register Sign

I was paying for a Nutella croissant at this local bakery I periodically patronize, and I noticed they had one of those cutesy signs behind the tip jar. You know what I mean, like those magnets retarded people slap all over their refrigerators that say things like, "Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler." Anyway, this is actually what the little sign said:

"As soon as the rush is over, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I worked for it, I owe it to myself, and NOBODY is going to deprive me of it."

Yes. That entire thing. There's absolutely nothing witty about it, in any way. It doesn't rhyme, it's not funny, it's not smart, it's not brief, there's no stupid pun involved. I don't get why someone bought that, or maybe even had it made. Who knows? I can't imagine that a company would actually mass produce that, right? And why is "NOBODY" in all CAPS?! Did someone once try to stop the proprietor from having a nervous breakdown and he vowed to never let that happen again? Or was this someone an important individual in the life of the person wanting to have the breakdown, to whom the breaker-downer would normally listen? Is that why it's in caps, as if to say, NOBODY, not even that guy, can stop me? Ridiculous.