A Tale of Two Linneys

New York Times Magazine was taking Laura Linney way too seriously ("The Age of Laura Linney," really?), as self-important publications are so often wont to do, so my writing partner and I, in a fit of procrastination, armed with nothing more than a blunted Sharpie, a broken Wite-Out pen, and his iPhone camera, decided to have some fun with Linney's annoyingly bland face. Amateurish? Certainly. Offensive? Probably. Funny? Duh.

Errr...Heh Heh...I Gotta Go...

How uncomfortable is it when someone you're really unattracted to blatantly flirts with you? They try to be all cutesy or smooth, and all you can really do is kinda cringe and wheeze. . . . I don't know how women constantly deal with that.

Step It Up, Intervention

I realize this is really wrong to say, but I often work at an adolescent drug and alcohol rehab center, and for the amount of hot girls I see pass through there, percentage-wise, the A&E show Intervention really doesn't have enough hotties featured.

Okay, I'll go back to rotting in hell now. Thank you for your time...

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! - An Amendment

One of my loyal readers read my previous post and had the audacity to compare me to religious retard, Kirk Cameron. I would've been pissed, but then said supporter provided this gem as evidence for the analogy:

That Shit Is Bananas . . . B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

How amazing is it that ripe bananas peel so easily/perfectly? Think about this compared to how annoying so many other fruits are to get into, like oranges or coconuts. Then think about all the other ones that are easy to eat, like apples or blueberries, but aren't protected and need to be washed prior to consumption. But not the banana. Just pick it up, peel back the skin, and eat. Even if your hands were covered in excrement--because you're disgusting--you could still hold a banana in its easy-to-remove casing and eat away, while not having to eat shit. We take them for granted. Appreciate.

Look At Me, Damnit!

Women are incredible. I walked into a coffee shop the other day and there were four tables of individual women. Not a one of them looked at me! To clarify, I'm not saying I'm some Adonis, the mere sight of whom demands immediate female attention whenever I enter a room...but they should at least check to confirm that that's the case, right?

This is baffling to me! Because you can bet that if a woman walked into a cafe full of dudes, each guy, within seconds, would have already stared and calculated what her best physical qualities were, if he'd hook up with her, and under what conditions he'd still hook up with her even though he initially concluded he probably wouldn't. (On a side note, can you imagine if scientists ran an experiment that required all men to walk around with glasses that have laser pointers on them? We'd be so exposed for how ridiculous we really are...) I will concede, though, that women are also just so so so much better than men at looking and not being glaringly obvious gorillas about it. But, I mean, c'mon. There was this one cute girl, sans laptop, sans anything that should be able to occupy her attention, who hadn't even looked up from her coffee yet, and I'd already pictured her naked in three different positions . . . bent over my bed, bent over my desk, and bent over my bathroom sink . . .

Some of Us Are Trying To Have A Civilization Here

I hate when women go to a hair salon and then walk around in general population and do actual shit while they have the foils or curlers in their hair and the robe on. Unnecessary. Sit and wait like a fucking civilized human being.

Bonus points if you know where the title of this post is from...

Apparently, A Wife Is A Panacea

I was complaining to my father about being sick and having a sore shoulder all week, and in his always-makes-whatever-he-says-funnier Israeli accent he goes, "That's why you need a wife!" So I sarcastically replied, "Sure, because a wife would make those things much better." To which he responded with, "No. She gonna be such a pain in the ass that you not gonna even feel these things! Ha-HA!"

I Love Basil

Wow. His name, apparently, is Basil Marceaux Dot Com...according to him, at least. This guy actually gets to appear on television as a candidate for Governor of Tennessee. Amazing:

Every Millisecond Counts

The other day some girl said to me, "I'm waiting to hear back from three different people." As opposed to three of the same people? Stop wasting my time.

Pull Your Pants Down

Okay, enough is enough. I thought this high-waisted style on girls would eventually go away on its own, but it clearly hasn't, so I feel it's time I cease being a spectator and . . . not actually do anything, but at least say something: it's ugly.

It's akin to short hair on a girl. If you're hot, you're probably gonna look hot in anything, including short hair and pants up to your titties, but that doesn't make it okay. Because you still look way better with long hair and regular-waisted pants, and more consequentially, you're tricking the borderline girls, whose wardrobes actually do affect their chances of getting guys, into wearing ridiculous, hideous outfits. And let's face it, didn't Sex and the City already do enough damage in that department?

And, like with short hair, girls like to tell other girls, "OMG, you look sooo cute!" when they wear high-waisted pants. Yeah, of course they're gonna say that; they know when they go out with you with that butch haircut and clown pants, you're one less person they have to compete with for male attention.

If you're a girl, and your friend tells you that you look cute with short hair and/or in high-waisted anything . . . she is not your friend. She's jealous of you and secretly hates you . . . or he's gay.

Hair Pubed

Holy shit. Oh, commercial makers, just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!

You're Dead To Me

I've found that post break-up, it's best if you treat the situation as though your ex has died; it makes it much easier. Because, it's like, sad, but you have no choice but to move on.

Come to think of it, if you stick to that story, it would probably actually help in picking up the next girl...you know, if you tell her your ex died...because of the sympathy points, and all. (They had a Seinfeld episode where, after George's fiance dies from licking poisonous wedding invitation envelopes, Jerry does some research with the waitresses at the local diner and they agree that being a widower is the sexiest break-up story.) Although, if things end up working out with the new girl, your entire relationship will have been predicated on a lie. But, if movies have taught us anything, it's that you can say whatever you want to get the girl in the first place, and as long as she falls in love with you, all you have to do is apologize for aforementioned lies and she'll stick around; just say you lied because she was so pretty, or something.

Jump to the 7:45 mark to see the Seinfeld clip I was talking about:

Yeah, It's Called A Job

Read this article: http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/110125/how-to-upgrade-an-old-phone-into-a-porsche

People are making a big deal out of this. Hello! He worked five to six hours a day for two fucking years to get a $9,000 car. Wow. What a prodigy! . . . Seriously, find some fucking actual news to report.

Breaking News!

I'm a control freak.

I know, this probably comes as a huge surprise. But I realized that this extends so far that it even affects my bodily response to alcohol. I have never African-Americaned* out from over drinking. God knows I've consumed enough alcohol in one sitting (admittedly, infrequently) for that to occur, but I've never forgotten what happened the night before, or lost track of big chunks of my evening due to brain-cell homicide. I'll puke before I black out. I am such a control freak that my body will physically reject the alcohol before it allows me to reach the point where I don't know what's going on . . . and I'm fine with that.

*credit goes to Galifianakis for the African-American joke.

Thong Tha-Thong Thong Thong!

For those of you who have forgotten, or never knew, I do private tutoring on the side...and by "on the side," I mean, it's the only way I actually earn money at this juncture. Yes, miraculously, parents trust me with their children. Anyway, here's a little story one of my students regaled me with the other morning. I don't remember his exact words, but this is a pretty spot-on representation of our conversation:

STUDENT: Hey, [Curmudgeon], can I tell you a story?

CURMUDGEON: Of course.

STUDENT: It's probably not appropriate, though.

CURMUDGEON: Then you probably shouldn't.

STUDENT: So this mornin', I woke up, and I was totally blue ballin', so I--

CURMUDGEON: --Okay, so this is the part where you stop telling me the story.

STUDENT: Nah, check it out, it's really funny, though.

CURMUDGEON: Dude.

STUDENT: So I was totally blue ballin' this mornin', so I went to the computer to go jerk off. And I was watching a video of this hot chick in a thong, and she had a great ass, and I was gettin' all into it. And then, she takes off her thong...and she has a dick! How fucked up is that?! So I turned the computer off.

CURMUDGEON: Okay, that was actually funny... Now take out your Chemistry syllabus.

The Freaks Come Out at Night...And During The Day

Next time you're in a populated public venue, like a cafe or supermarket, just stop for a second and look around. People are so fucking weird! . . . And disgusting.

Deception

I've been saying it for years! Women lure men in through massive deception. Makeup: your skin's not that smooth. Heels: you're not that tall. Padded/push-up bras: your titties ain't that good! And that's what the average girl does! Then there are the girls with the fake tanner, and the colored contacts, and the bleached hair, and the breast implants... What about you is real?!

Anyway, this girl agrees with me...only she's much funnier about it:

You're A Creep; You're A Weirdo

Isn't it creepy when someone is walking alone and laughing to himself/herself? Those were the kids in high school who walked through the halls avoiding eye contact at all costs.

You know what else is creepy? When people sniff their fingers...especially so if they scratch any part of their body first...

Naggers (It's A South Park Reference)

For those of you who don't know, Jesse Jackson claims that Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert's public sentiments re: LeBron are akin to a slave master's reaction to a runaway slave. Seriously, Reverend? You really lose credibility when you say shit like that. Just because someone is a dick to a black dude doesn't mean he's being racist. Gilbert threw an impetuous tantrum because he lost the entire economy of downtown Cleveland! If LeBron had been white, I'm pretty confident Gilbert would've been just as pissed... Yeah, right! Like a white guy would be that good at basketball...

Speaking of Neck Ties...

Question: Who invented ties, and why?

Follow up question: Why do we perpetuate the use of this ridiculous accessory? Think about how pointless this item of clothing is, not to mention uncomfortable, yet it is required in so many social situations. Can we move on from this, please? Time to evolve.

Douche of the Month

I saw a guy with an "Ain't Skeered" bumper sticker the other day. Actually, two of them. One on each end of his rear bumper. I don't even really know what to say. Not only is an "Ain't Skeered" bumper sticker absolutely retarded and totally insecure (no one said you were "skeered," dude. Chill.), but feeling that you agree so strongly with that sentiment that you need two of them is just off-the-charts inane. If that's not a douche, I don't know what is.

Very honorable mention: I saw another schmuck with a bumper sticker that said, "Get off my butt!" In addition to this stale cliche, said person had a personalized license plate that read, "NONKTIE." No Neck Tie. No shit; it's because you're unemployable. I shouldn't be able to tell from three seconds of looking at your automobile that you're an unfunny degenerate. This person needs to be strangled to death with a neck tie . . . if only for irony's sake . . .

El BJ

Okay, so I know the market is sufficiently saturated with LeBron talk, but as a brokenhearted, lifelong Knicks fan, I just needed to vent...to everyone. Look, I'm as upset as anyone that he went to the Heat, but don't you think everyone, including the Cavs' owner, is going a little overboard with the venomous critiques?

I'm a Knicks fan. Do you have any idea how hard that is?! (Keep it to yourselves, Cubs fans. No one cares about your mediocre city's mediocre team. You had Jordan. You're forever dead to me for all the times he ripped the Knicks' hearts out of their chests and took a steaming shit on them.) LeBron broke my fucking heart! BUT, he is still a fucking person. Are we really that shocked by his decision?

I mean, I think in the end, he cost himself the opportunity to truly challenge Jordan's legacy. (Keep it to yourselves, too, Kobe fans. Dude has five titles, but he was only Finals MVP for two of those. Jordan was Finals MVP in all six of his.) I think for LeBron to do that, he needed to go to Chicago (the smart choice) or stay in Cleveland (the loyal choice), or maybe go to New York (my choice). In Chicago he would've had a good, young team around him, that he could've carried to the Finals for many years to come, and it would have been his team. In Cleveland, he could've said, I'd rather die trying to bring a championship to my hometown than win somewhere else, and he would've been the loyal hero. In New York . . . I can't even talk about that anymore. He (and his formidable ego...which I think anyone in his position would possess) has to forever live with his decision to not go to these cities.

But let's not play dumb. Miami probably does offer LeBron the best chance of winning, and wasn't that the thing for which he was most heavily criticized?! Not winning a championship? So now he makes a decision to go to a team with the best players so that he has the best opportunity to win championships, and everyone's all over him for it. He gets to play with two of his buddies, who are also incredible basketball players . . . in South Beach! It's his life, his existence, and that sounds like a pretty fucking fun scenario to pass up, does it not? Miami was the fun choice. Can you blame someone for choosing quality of life above all else? So, he opted to have a better life, likely at the expense of ever being known as THE BEST to ever play the game. That's his choice. And, maybe it does mean that he doesn't have that competitive edge that made Jordan the best. So be it.

Ultimately, I guess I feel like a parent: I'm not mad at him . . . just disappointed . . .

Insult to Injury

The other day I saw a homeless woman walking back and forth at an intersection, asking for money, and she was holding her handwritten "HOMELESS & BROKE" sign upside down. That made me feel extra bad because it made the whole situation look extra pathetic, you know. . . . Then I thought, "Shit! Homeless and broke? I'm halfway there!"

Facebook Deductive Reasoning

Guess what? If a random girl contacts you on Facebook, and her profile picture has multiple females in it, one or more of whom is attractive . . . she's the ugly one. Sorry. A) If she were that attractive, she probably wouldn't be scouring the Internet for random potential serial killers. B) No hot chick's gonna risk being mistaken for her ugly friend. The other way around, however . . . Think about it.

Ambiguous Peripheral Greetings

I crossed paths with a neighbor of mine earlier this week, and as we were passing each other, I asked how she was doing. She replied, "Pretty good." And as we continued on our respective ways I said, "Good." I meant good as in, it's good that you're good, but I realized that it probably sounded like I thought she asked how I was doing back, which she did not, and I answered, "good." The ambiguity really annoyed me.

Everyone Stay Calm! I'm Parking Here!

I always find it funny when a driver takes off his/her seat belt in order to park. It all seems a bit dramatic, doesn't it? Is the seat belt really that restrictive?

Water Resistant Douches

So every Fourth of July for the last six years, my closest friends and I spend an amazing, semi-conscious, long weekend together in LA. This year was no exception, hence my relative neglect of The Curmudgeon. The most valuable take-away from this weekend was: I'm proud to say that I've never worn sunglasses and/or a fedora in the pool...

No, Seriously, Awesome Subwoofer, Bro...

I'm not a doctor or anything, but if you drive through quiet neighborhoods in the middle of the night with all your windows down and your music blasting, I'm pretty sure you're an inconsiderate asshole who's overcompensating for a tiny penis...

Curmudgeon of Note

Jack Kevorkian. Now that guy is one awesome curmudgeon. Watch the documentary on him that's out on HBO, now. Interesting dude, for sure:

Homeless OBGYN

My buddy and I saw a homeless dude yesterday with a shirt that read, "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look." Awesome.

I Guess It's Called Hogwarts for A Reason

I think the message is pretty clear here: if you're such a nerd that you become obese while sitting at home masturbating to fantasies of you winning the MVP of your Quidditch league, then let this serve as a reminder that you're unhealthily fat. Do something about it for your own good, and stop blaming other people for not catering to your unwieldiness: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/movie-talk-harry-potter-fans-deemed-too-heavy-for-wizarding-world-ride.html

Write Write Something About Yourself

(No, that's not a mistake in the title.)

You know how a little under your Facebook profile picture where, in case you didn't have enough room in the blank pages of your "Info" section, it gives you a little space to write and says, "Write something about yourself"? And you know how some people think they're really clever and literally write, "something about yourself" in that given space? (These people are like those teachers you used to have who, when you asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?", would respond with, "I don't know, can you?", and then flash some self-satisfied smirk on their sun-spotted faces). Well, the other day, I came across someone so dumb, that instead of writing "something about yourself," he wrote, "Write something about yourself." He fucked up an already utterly retarded joke. It annoyed the shit out of me.

Funny Evil

The other day, I saw a car with a parking ticket on it, and on the outside of the ticket, someone wrote in pen, "HAHA!"

How To Urinate on Someone's Heritage

If you actually are a descendant of some sort of native tribe, you know what's gotta suck? Seeing pasty, white, drunk spring-breakers desecrating the memory of your ancestors (who, incidentally, their ancestors endeavored to eradicate from the face of the earth) making tribal tattoos synonymous with white trash.

It's almost like if Stars of David became popular in Germany, and every other German kid at Oktoberfest had a ring of Jewish stars tattooed around his/her bicep. Not cool...

In My Dreams...I Hate You

Ever have a dream about someone close to you screwing you over in some really wrong way, and you wake up genuinely pissed off at them in real life? And then it takes a little bit of time before you're no longer mad at her/him, even though that person never actually did anything wrong! Oh, dreams...

LOL! OMG, You're So Funny, Babe. What're You Doing Tonight?

How retarded is it when couples who live together in committed, long-term relationships communicate with each on their Facebook walls? We get it: you're together and you talk to each other.

Can't you guys just call, text, or email one another? Or, just roll over in bed and say what you have to say. Are there not enough private venues in which to plan your day that will, and I don't think I'm going out on a limb here, inevitably end in the same location? You had to take it into the public sphere? We're already incessantly bombarded with everyone else's inane drivel in the form of real-time status updates. (Oh, really? You're in line behind a fat person at the bank? Traffic sucks? You just ate ice cream? You can't believe [insert name of reality TV actor whose only validation comes from the knowledge that morons like you are watching] just got eliminated from [insert name of terrible reality show with self-important, overly dramatic judges]? No one fucking cares!)

Be happy you found someone who doesn't make you want to jam freshly sharpened pencils in your ears every time he/she speaks, and please spare the rest of us your uninteresting private lives.

Trial by Fire...crotch

Last week alone I saw four attractive redheads! That's gotta be a record, considering that, prior to last week, I'd only seen, like, three over the course of the entire rest of my life . . . total. I think God is trying to lure me into having ginger offspring as punishment for all the terrible things I've said about those pale, freckle-faced freak shows. I'm not falling for your tricks, God! I'm onto you!

Yet Again, Asians Succeed in Technology, Fail in Human Interaction

No, I'm not talking about my ex-girlfriend, I'm talking about a (South, duh) Korean couple who neglected its actual, living, breathing baby in favor of a virtual one. Their real baby died of starvation.

I'm torn on this one. On one, totally obvious, hand, it's really sad because a baby was essentially murdered slowly. On the other hand, if we're talking bigger picture here, this couple clearly shouldn't have been breeding in the first place, so things kinda worked themselves out, no?

Anyway, it's kind of an old story, but it's new to me, so you get it now. Here's the article: http://www.gamepolitics.com/2010/03/04/korean-parents-neglect-real-child-virtual-one

Not Everyone Likes Your Fucking Dog!

Seriously, control your fucking pet. If I wanted a gross, wet nose pressed against my shin and little white scratch marks, I'd call your mom. It's bad enough I have to pretend you're normal while you pick up an animal's shit with your hands using only a porous plastic bag...you also have to have your maniacal, untrained rat of a dog on one of those "limitless" leashes? Those things should be outlawed, and offenders punished with . . . something hyperbolically severe.

How about this? If I have to deviate from my pedestrian path for your dog, I should be allowed to kick it. Actually, what am I saying?! It's not the poor dog's fault you're using him to plug some emotional void. I should be allowed to kick you! . . . in the face! . . . Sorry, little buddy. Good boy! You're a good boy!

Progressively More Annoying

I'm guessing that by now the Progressive Auto Insurance girl has gotta know everyone hates her, right? How much do you think she overcompensates when she meets new people? Trying extra hard to be subdued and not annoying... Or, do you think her friends all lie to her and tell her she's funny?

This Has Gotta Be EXACTLY What Jesus Had in Mind...

Wow. I don't even know where to begin. I stumbled upon this gem the other day while doing a little research on the Terry Schiavo case, randomly enough, and was just completely overwhelmed. I tried to make sense of it and find specific items to mock for you guys, but there was just too much.

Can you imagine the ADHD, schizophrenic, severely repressed, self-loathing sociopath who sits at home updating this thing?! He/she is like a hoarder of useless (as if there's another kind) Jesus information. Peruse the home page, click a link, whatever . . . Between the clutter, the colors, the moving text, and, of course, the content, I promise, you will not be disappointed. Enraged? Perhaps. But you will certainly find endless hours of entertainment. You're welcome: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/

I'm Shallow

I know this sounds bad, but I was telling a friend of mine tonight, if I don't date the best looking girl in her group, it never feels right. The notion that if we end up together I'll always secretly want to bang her friend is just more than I can psychologically bear...

Why Am I Still Not Getting Paid to Write Movies?!?!

Watch this preview for the upcoming Marmaduke feature. Please watch until the end because that's when it gets really good:



What the fuck?! This is not funny! In any way! Who thought, "Hmmm, I think it's time to bring Marmaduke back into the social consciousness. The kids have really been clamoring for Marmaduke." . . . Right, since they all read newspapers and know who Marmaduke is. Fucking. Retarded. I've broached this with a handful of people since first having my brain stabbed by this preview last week, and they all say, "It's a kids' movie," like that's a defense, or something. Just because it's for kids, doesn't mean it's required to suck. Up was good, Jungle Book was good, Dumbo was good, Finding Nemo was good . . . Can we at least try to not make the next generation dumber than the moronic, spoiled, ungrateful, vapid one that's floating through high school right now? Please?

Tatonka

Who'd have thunk it, huh? Costner solved the oil spill sitch': http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2010/06/bp-buys-32-of-kevin-costners-machines-forgive-him-for-the-postman

Kinda makes up for goofy scenes like this:

The King > The Closer

Awesome article. I've always said that Kobe's shooting percentage on game-winners isn't actually good, and he would be way more clutch if he learned to pass the ball to someone who was much more open at the end of games, like Jordan learned to do (had he not, we probably wouldn't remember the names of these unlikely heroes: Bill Wennington, John Paxson, Steve Kerr, and Jud Buechler).

That's also why I think LeBron is more clutch at the end of games, because he's willing to get another shooter a good look rather than force up a heavily-contested one. Players in the NBA are at such a high skill level that almost all of them have an excellent chance of making a shot at the end of the game, especially if you can get them open looks. That being said, if I did have to pick one guy to take a final shot, it very well could be Kobe, but that's a different question...

Here's the article: http://www.slate.com/id/2255932/pagenum/all/#p2

In Defense of Fairness...

This post was prompted by the recent flotilla bullshit in Israel. Before this incident, I thought a flotilla was something that came with rice, beans, sour cream, and guacamole. Please watch these videos first for what I deem some much-needed perspective, and then I'll explain my thoughts in more depth:





Let me begin by saying that I am often a self-loathing Jew. As a whole, the Jewish people do not do ourselves many favors in the way of PR. From Madoff, to organ-thieving rabbis in New Jersey, to the Orthodox in minivans driving worse than Short Round in The Temple of Doom, sometimes the wrath we incur is of our own doing.

And regarding Israel, I fully acknowledge that Israel has made many mistakes with its handling of the Palestinian situation, one of the most infuriating of which was razing perfectly functional infrastructure that was on the land that Israel returned to the Palestinians a few years back, right before returning it. I, like the overwhelming majority of Israelis, want a two-state solution. I'm saying all this to provide context, and to make it clear that when I get pissed about the biased coverage, that means it's getting pretty ridiculous.

Bill Maher accurately provided some important perspective: the land in which the Palestinians in question reside, is land that was taken by Israel in 1967 as a direct result of Israel being attacked by the surrounding Arab nations that wished to wipe the Jews in Israel off the face of the Earth. Maher also explained that when Israel recently returned this land, taken after a direct attack, and gave the Palestinians the autonomy to elect their own leaders, which is a right they certainly should have, the Palestinians elected Hamas, a group that openly strives for the destruction of Israel. So given this context, how can Israel possibly allow ANY shipments, peace mission or not, to come into Gaza without first inspecting them?! No one's saying don't let Gaza receive much-needed aid, but to allow deliveries to freely enter Gaza is absurd by any standards. Neutral U.N. officials should oversee the inspections if people are actually concerned with Israel stealing goods meant for the Palestinians, but the passengers on board these ships don't get a free pass just because they claim to be on a peace mission. Israel, since its inception, has had its civilians murdered by Hamas-backed attackers pretending to be peaceful bystanders.

With specific regard to the flotilla incident, I don't know exactly what happened on the ship, so I can't speak definitively either way about the actions of the Israeli soldiers who boarded it. It seems that they used excessive force, especially if all the passengers were, indeed, on a peace mission, and if that proves to be the case, then it's fucked up. No doubt. Those soldiers should be punished. But bottom line, the amount of international outrage resulting from this incident is so clearly disproportionate to the level of wrongdoing, that it becomes difficult to deny that it reflects some specifically targeted hatred of Israel and/or Jews.

Let's be honest here, what empire throughout history was not built on the backs and blood of others? God knows we did that here in America. Israel can hardly be called an empire, of course; it's a tiny sliver of land sandwiched between the sea and much-larger countries that pray for its destruction. But Israel wasn't built on the blood of others; it was built on the blood of its own people, six million of them, to be more specific. There were already Jews (and Arabs, for sure) in the land that is now Israel before the influx of Eastern European Jewry in the immediate wake of the Holocaust that nearly wiped them out (my grandparents included). There are plenty of Christian countries, there are plenty of Muslim countries, and, essentially as an apology from the world, tiny Israel was given as a Jewish state, where the survivors whose families were obliterated could feel safe. (Personally, I'd be just fine with zero religious states, but in the interest of fairness...) Side note: Great Britain did a masterful job of stepping out of what they knew would be a messy situation and keeping their hands clean. Bravo, chaps!

Israel has been relentlessly attacked throughout its short history, yet still remains the lone beacon of free, Western civilization in that entire region of the world. If the world wants to criticize Israel for its transgressions, I'm all for that; no one is above reproach, and everyone should be held accountable for his/her actions. But please maintain perspective when doing so, because the current level of overreaction looks an awful lot like antisemitism, and that is not something we should be comfortable with...

Someone Else's Joke

My friend, Geno (http://www.lolwithgeno.com/), told me this one the other night:

Two cannibals, father and son, are trekking through the jungle. They've been walking a long time and are extremely hungry. The son appeals to his father, "I'm so hungry, daddy."

"I know, son. I am, too. We'll find food soon," the father says.

They march on a while longer when they eventually come upon a small oasis. Tucked away among the dense trees is a pristine pond. As they admire it, a stunningly beautiful, naked, 18-year-old girl emerges from the water, Phoebe-Cates-style, water cascading off her perfectly supple breasts. The father is mesmerized until he feels something tugging at his loin cloth. He looks down to see his young son look over at the naked girl, then up at him, and say, "I'm really hungry, daddy."

The dad replies, "I know, but change of plans, son. We're going to sneak up on this girl, kidnap her, and bring her back home with us... Then we're gonna eat Mom."

Oh No You Hermaphrodi'int!

I know a girl who, when she was little, her older sister (lied) told her that she was born a hermaphrodite. Her sister immediately followed this astonishing news with, "If you ask Mom, she's just gonna lie and say it isn't true."

Let's pause for a moment to fully appreciate the degree to which this girl's older sister was an evil mastermind. "If you ask Mom, she's just gonna lie and say it isn't true."?! There's no way to disprove that!!! The only source that could've discredited the older sister's declaration has now been compromised by that simple, little, alarmingly cruel caveat. I mean, I don't know the exact number, but you have to figure this poor girl thought she was born a fucking hermaphrodite for years! She walked around with this notion in the back of her head, that she was born with a penis that had been chopped off, and that her parents were lying to her to keep it a secret. That's insane! . . . And hilarious.

(Special thanks to H . . . for being born a disgusting hermaphrodite!)

The End of Slurpees

Imagine the attacks of 9-11 had instead transpired on July 11th. Think about it . . .

An addendum: Several people didn't get this one, so I'll explain... If the attacks of September 11th had occurred on July 11th, we'd be referring to 7-11 instead of 9-11. 7-11 is the name of a popular convenience store. So every time George W. "Fuckwit" Bush spouted off about "the terrorists on 7-11," the international monolith known as 7-11 would be getting bad press, which would then have probably forced them to change the name on their stores. That's all.

Bill Gates Hates Africa?

Someone close to me actually said these things during a conversation we were having about Bill Gates giving a lot of money to charity:

Person Close to Me: What is Bill Gates thinking?! Malaria and AIDS are the best things that ever happened to those people.

Curmudgeon: THOSE people?

Person Close to Me: In Africa.

Curmudgeon: So let me get this straight, you're saying malaria and AIDS are good for the already-impoverished people in Africa? That statement just came out of your mouth?

Person Close to Me: Shut up. It's your fault; I said it because you laughed.

Curmudgeon: That makes no sense! I didn't laugh until AFTER you said it!

Person Close to Me: Yeah, but I only said it because I knew you'd laugh. That makes it your fault.

"Funny" Website

I'm a grammar "Nazi," so this "website" brings me endless "joy" . . . and pain. Check "it" out:

http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

(Thanks, Chu-Chu...)

Inconsiderate Pricks

Being fashionably late is about as fashionable as a fanny pack. I know in certain circles fanny packs are, in fact, fashionable again...and these circles are comprised of the exact type of people who think it's cool to not be on time, i.e. - inconsiderate pricks.

(Special thanks to Egg!)

What Else Are You Supposed To Do With 'Em?

Ye Olde Whorehouse

This is an old brothel menu, supposedly from 1912. They were pretty darn specific back then...some good deals...

You Look Happy

I love when I see people on Facebook contact someone they haven't been in touch with in a while and say things like, "You look really happy!", or, "Looks like you're having fun!"

No shit. No one's putting up pictures of themselves wallowing in self-pity, eating ice cream alone on the couch, ruing the failures of their lives as they braid their nooses. I mean, I've seen a lot of Facebook pages in my time, and I've yet to see one where someone looks miserable and depressed. . . . Well, except maybe my little brother, who posts status updates like, "The world is a diarrhea-splattered toilet bowl whose only reprieve is a violent flush into the fecal-infested bowels of a malodorous hell . . ."

Terrible Analogy

I have a friend. He is a foreigner. As such, he has always cheated on his girlfriends, because, in other countries, this behavior seems to be a more widely accepted practice, for men to sleep with other women despite being in committed relationships.

Anyway, he visited recently and told me he's had a serious girlfriend for almost a year, who he thinks might be the one, and he hasn't cheated on yet! Then, in the next sentence, he said we should go out and look for girls while he's in town. So I said, "I thought you just said you may have found The One." And he goes, "Yeah, but I'm in another country. If a fly lands in my soup, I'm gonna eat it."

What?! That's a terrible analogy! If a fly lands in your soup, you send the soup back, or, if you're extra gross, you take it out, and then eat the rest of the soup. So for the next 10 minutes we laughed about his retarded, foreigner analogy, and just kept making intentionally worse ones. "If a shit lands in the toilet, I'm gonna pick it up with my hands." "If there's a dick in my ass, I'm going to suck it." "If a tampon steeps in my tea, I'm going to drink it." . . . You get the idea . . .

Weird Science!

Incredible! Scientists create first synthetic cell: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703559004575256470152341984.html?mod=djemalertNEWS

Speaking of Old, Wrinkly Hags...

I was talking to my friend recently about the depressing notion that you'll probably get tired of banging whoever you marry, especially when she gets old, and sun-spotted, and wrinkly. I mean, as a guy, if you marry someone your own age, when you and your wife are both 55 or so, and you can still get chicks in their 30's . . . I'm just saying, it's a sad thought. And I'm not saying that just because you can you should or will even want to, for that matter. But, the point is, this wonderful quote came out of the conversation: "I hope my sex drive dies before my wife gets really old and wrinkly..."

Sluts and the City 2

I am not embarrassed to say that I'm really fucking annoyed by this whole Sex and the City resurgence with the impending release of the sequel. Grating women running around ordering cosmos, wearing absolutely ridiculous clothing that no straight man would ever find attractive on a woman, finding ways to rationalize and justify their sluttiness, and making unfunny jokes about shoes. Oh, women like shoes. Ha. Ha. Ha. That's not stale or cliche at all. It's totally hilarious. Really. . . . Die.

For a more comprehensive rant about this crapfest, see my original post from pretty much exactly a year ago: http://iamthecurmudgeon.blogspot.com/2009/05/sluts-and-city.html

Double Standard?

I was talking to a girl, a fellow 31-year-old, and she was saying she would totally hook up with a hot 18-year-old boy, but that I would be wrong to hook up with an 18-year-old girl! When I incredulously objected, she explained that it's because I'd be taking advantage of her (Duh!). So I said, "So would you! You'd be taking advantage of him!" And she replied, "Yeah, but he'd enjoy it."

So, in the end, we kind of concluded that she was right; there is, in fact, a distinction, and it exists because the 18-year-old boy would not experience regret. He'd proudly talk about it with his friends for the rest of his life, whereas in the reverse scenario, the girl would probably only talk about it with her therapist, over a box of tissues, citing the incident as the first in a string of sexual encounters with much-older men she turned to fill the void left by her absentee father.

Anyway, point is, when a high-school boy sleeps with his hot teacher . . . it's not a crime. The other way around? Seriously frowned upon and usually accompanied by jail time and sexual-offender-status registration. This clip sums it up perfectly:

In SOME Ways...

I was out with someone recently, and I was saying how, in some ways, it would be awesome to be gay. Not in the ways where you struggle with your identity as a teenager in a world where homosexuality is generally discussed derisively, or hate yourself because your church tells you you're going to hell . . . but in the way that I live in West Hollywood, and any time I wanted to I could probably just go up the street and get a blow-J from a dude with a really good body.

And she goes, "Yeah, that's why they all have AIDS." . . . Wow.

Speaking of Me Being A One-Year-Old...

This is how I know I'm immature: every time anyone says the word "balls," I laugh. Every time. A doctor could tell me I have 24 hours to live because viciously aggressive, tiny balls of cancer are ravaging all my vital organs, and I'd fucking laugh. I swear. I can't help it.

Also, any time grooming salons or nail places have a sign in the window that reads, "Facials," . . . I laugh.

Any time someone's name is Richard, I have to call him Dick. (If he's big and strong and unfriendly, I may only do this in my head.)

Whenever anyone tests a microphone and says, "testing," I have to say, "testes."

Other words that elicit involuntary laughter every time I hear them include "box," "69," and "knob." I'm sure there are more, but you get the gist...

Mazel Tov!

To me! It's The Curmudgeon's one-year birthday! This blog started last year, May 10th, and I've somehow managed to have something to complain about pretty much every day since. Impressive.

Thanks to everyone who reads, and comments, and passes this along to other people. Other than your compliments it's entirely thankless, so thank you again...

Phone Sex Grandma

This is pretty much the funniest thing I've seen in the last year or so. You might have to register with YouTube to see it because of the "adult content," but well worth it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uABpGeKiYE

Abortion Express

My friend, who's a private flight attendant (i.e. - high-priced escort), said that on her last trip, she saw a plane with a human fetus painted on it. So I said, "That's my plane! The Abortion Express! Free coat hangers for every passenger . . . for your dry cleaning . . ." To which she responded by saying I was "TERRIBLE!!!!" (Yes, it was in all caps, and yes, I think it was followed by four exclamation marks.)

Well, maybe I am terrible, but c'mon, that's actually not a bad idea. Think about it. They have casino boats because it's illegal to gamble on land, so why not abortion flights for where it's illegal to have abortions?! See, I'm actually thinking up new ways to protect women's right to choose. You're welcome.

(Special thanks to Eleni!)

Sluts Vs. Studs

I was going to tell you all about this hilarious Australian comedian, Jim Jefferies, and describe his whole bit about sluts vs. studs, and then I realized, I won't be as funny as him, plus, we have the Internets. So, enjoy. And you should really check out his hour-long HBO special if you get a chance:

NEEERRRRDDDSSS!!!

Watch this:



If you ask me, this is a pretty obnoxious commercial. "Some day you'll be working for me?" Fuck you, you fucking nerd! I'm all for encouraging an interest in math and science, I love science, but if these little pocket-protector-donning pencil pushers are gonna get all uppity about it, then I hope the kids in their classes are beating some humility into them the old-fashioned way...

Quote of the Month - May '10

"I don't want your sperm anymore!"

There exists a girl, with whom there exists an arrangement, that goes something along the lines of, if she and I are both single and childless by the time we're 40, we will combine our reproductive resources and breed . . . until the other night when I said something rude and/or offensive and she said the above quote.

The Real Curmudgeon

I drove through an intersection yesterday, legally, and about one-to-two full seconds after, I saw, in my rear-view mirror, that a man on a bike then crossed that intersection.

About a minute later, an old man, in his 70's, pulls up alongside me and rolls down his window. I figure he wants to ask for directions, so I roll down my window to help. Turns out he's just angry about being old, or something, because he goes, "You almost killed a man on a bike back there!" So I try to explain, because, hey, I, too, am going to be angry and have gray pubes one day. I say, "No, I saw him. He didn't cross until well after I was through the intersection." He shakes his head furiously, but the light changes, and we drive off.

At the next light, he honks and rolls down his window again. Now he's on the phone, too. This dude's still not over it, and he's all riled up and says, "You could have killed him! It's very stupid!" Light changes, we drive off.

Next light, I honk and roll down my window; he rolls down his. He's still on his phone, and I say, "You know, for someone who's so concerned with road safety you're on your phone an awful lot." He gives me this incredulous look and I go, "See, now we're both assholes who don't mind our own fucking business." And I rolled up my window and drove off...

Alright, Let's Just Stay Calm Here!!!

By now, almost everyone's seen this Phillies fan who got tased for running onto the field during a baseball game the other night, yes? (Video at the bottom for those who haven't.)

Well, now everyone's questioning whether the cop who did it used excessive force. You know, for all the asshole cops, and security guards, and people in positions of power who have viciously abused that power, is this really the incident we want to be questioning? Ever heard of the expression, "Pick your battles?" Merely questioning this incident weakens the legitimate claims against authority of countless others. The kid came out of the stands and ran onto the field during a game, lest we forget the Monica Seles and Royals first base coach incidents... Here's a way to pretty much guarantee you won't get tased while attending a professional sporting event: stay in the fucking stands!

The Old Testament Had A Point

It's funny, when I was growing up in Jew school, I remember complaining to the teacher in class (shocker) about how unfair it seemed that God punished a man's children, and children's children, and children's children's children, for that first man's sins, when the transgressor's progeny couldn't possibly have done anything to change things! . . . But it seems God was an epigeneticist. Read this fascinating article about how we have way more control than we probably we want over the health of our offspring, and their offspring, and so on...

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1951968,00.html

In The Future, Texting Will Save Lives

Do we have the ability to text 9-1-1 yet? If we do, I haven't heard of it, and this is surprising to me. I feel like there have to be plenty of scenarios in which talking out loud on the phone is not really the safest option, and therefore you should be able to text 9-1-1 all the relevant information.

I was going to keep this idea to myself, because I feel like whoever is given the contract to implement the necessary technology stands to make a lot of money, but then I decided that if one extra person died because I delayed the process, as unlikely as that is, that would make me an asshole. So, whoever steals this brilliant idea (though I feel like this HAS TO exist by now), please send me a cut, or something. Thanks.

I Hate Myself

I finally did it. I joined Twitter. Jesus Christ. But it's supposed to good for the blog, so please, don't judge me too much . . . and, while you're not judging, please become a Follower on Twitter! Pretty please. I don't even totally know how it works, but this link should take you to the right spot: http://twitter.com/ImTheCurmudgeon

Pass it on...

She Just Needed To Be Called Out

Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, who wasn't even elected (she took power when the actually elected governor left to work for Obama), who signed that ludicrously racist immigration bill that basically allows police to ass-rape anyone who looks Mexican with their billy clubs, had the ball-bag to say this: "I firmly believe God has placed me in this powerful position of Arizona's governor to help guide our state through the difficulties that we are currently facing."

If this is what God is occupying himself with, then he's dumber than I thought. Seriously, shut the fuck up and step down.

Into The Universe with Stephen Hawking

Everyone needs to watch this! In particular the episode that premiered today, entitled, "The Story of Everything." The first episode, about aliens, was decent, and the second episode, about time travel, was even better, but this latest one is incredible. It's on the Discovery Channel, and it presents the theories about our existence in the cosmos very elegantly and fascinatingly. Do yourself the favor:

http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/stephen-hawking/about/about.html

F-ing Hipsters

I was walking the other day and saw three hipsters hanging out outside their apartment. Two were sitting on the stoop smoking, and the third was standing in front of them in the yard. All of them in skinny jeans, not smiling...one had a moustache...the usual. So the standing guy decides to do a somersault on the grass; I think it was an anti-establishment somersault. One of the smokers takes an unnecessarily dramatic drag and emotionlessly says, "That was so random." And the somersaulting-r'tard goes, "I know. I don't know where that came from. I just knew I had to do it. I don't know why."

Ugh, right? So predictable! I know exactly why you did it. You needed to scream, "I need attention!," without actually saying those words. Go write a fucking blog or something...

It's Called "Copy & Paste." It's Not That Difficult.

You know how on Facebook there's that little box below your profile picture where you're apparently supposed to put some cheesy life affirmation? Well, if you're going to quote someone, A) get the quote right, and B) spell the name of the person who said the quote correctly. We have the Internet now. It's not like this needs to be done from memory. No excuses. Jesus Christ...

I'm Jealous

My friend just sent me this link, and I'm embarrassed to say that I'd never even heard of it before. You know it's a good idea when you read it and think to yourself, "Damnit! I should've thought of that!"

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Not A Good Sign

I actually saw someone using a payphone the other day. Let's face it, if you're using a payphone, in America, at this juncture in history, things probably haven't worked out for you . . .

Bad Banker! Bad Banker!

This is a long one. Bear with me...

Propaganda and over-dependency on old black-and-white clips aside, to me, the heart and strength of Michael Moore's documentary, Capitalism: A Love Story, was made by the little guy(Wallace Shawn) from The Princess Bride. Inconceivable! Basically, it's the idea that capitalism, the way it's supposed to be, or was intended, I should say, was imagined so that the people who provided the best goods or services, and worked the hardest to fill vacant niches, thrived. And if someone got complacent, another someone could come along and offer a better incarnation of the same product or service, and the new producer would thrive. Healthy, relatively fair competition that theoretically ensured that the needs of the people were met at costs that people were willing to incur...everyone benefited by getting something, be it money, goods, or services. Every party acquired something of merit.

Then, Goldman Sachs, and every other financial monolith, came along and sought out loopholes in this system. They found new ways to make money through the implementation of intentionally complex algorithms and lots of bet-hedging (most of which I, admittedly, don't really get - which was the point!), without actually providing any...anything. And this has been going on for years, and the government has known, and everyone in finance has known, and many economists had long ago sounded the alarms, but these loopholes existed, legally, because our government chose not to put in place regulations that would protect and uphold what I believe to be the intended spirit of the free market, which in and of itself is, I think, a pretty damn good thing. (One can reasonably argue that if the free market allows for the existence of these loopholes, then they should be allowed to be exploited until the market regulates itself and stops them. BUT, we didn't let the consequences of these "deceptions" play out because the government stepped in and bailed out the banks! People who do the exploiting, in general, not just in this case, love to play dumb and act like they were unaware that what they were doing was wrong, and I think our judicial system fosters this disingenuousness because we can't pretend to know the mind of another individual, and convict him/her on those grounds. But, at the end of the day, we all have a pretty good sense of right and wrong, which makes this feigned lack of common sense all the more insulting and infuriating...not that I have a good solution for that.)

Now that our country has suffered this financial collapse, it's very convenient for the federal government to vilify and chastise the financial institutions "responsible" (and they certainly deserve a good chiding), but ultimately, the people doing the scolding are really redirecting their anger at themselves for not doing anything about the problem (probably because their pockets were getting fatter, too) and (mildly) displacing it onto the banks. It's like, imagine the federal government is the father, the US citizens are the mother, and Goldman Sachs is one of their kids. Dad gives his son the family credit card, without Mom knowing, so the kid can make some online purchases. The kid gets a little click-happy and buys tons of shit that the family can't really afford, but he rationalizes it because, technically, he's not doing anything wrong, and he even buys Dad a couple things to keep him happy. When the credit card bill comes, Mom goes, "What the fuck?!" And Dad has to put on a big show and yell at the kid in front of the whole family, when really, he knows he shouldn't have given the kid free reign with the credit card in the first place!

So, Federal Government, have fun yelling at the bankers; for the most part, they're bratty, selfish, spoiled children who think they're the only people in the world and don't give a remote shit about anyone else as long as they get as much as they can as quickly as they can (pretty much a bunch of Eric Cartmans), and so they deserve to at least be made to feel crappy publicly...even though they still get to fly home in their private helicopters, and motorboat their wives' expensive fake tits, and bathe in seas of gold like Scrooge McDuck. But when the show's over, can we please actually pass some meaningful, common-sense laws that are vague enough to scare the people who control all our money into being fair and actually trying to provide some benefit to people other than themselves? Something as simple as, if it's determined by a jury of civilians that a bank intentionally sought out loopholes and employed deception in order to make more money off of other people's losses, there would be significant consequences? I know it's a lot more complicated than that...but it kinda isn't.

Here's a clip of Bill Clinton making a similar point...just much more concisely:

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/04/28/bill_clinton_timing_of_goldman_sachs_suit_is_suspect.html

And, Speaking of People Being Overly Sensitive About Allah...

Wanna know another thing that's always bothered me about religious fanatics who blow themselves up in order to kill civilians, or shoot abortion doctors, or commit any violent acts against anyone else in the name of their god? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

These extremists love to claim that their god has some grander plan, that man can't possibly know the mind of God, that God works in mysterious ways, and only He knows who's going to heaven or hell or whatever fucking mythical realm they think you go to when you die...yet they still, for some strange reason, deem it necessary to take matters into their own hands, in effect, saying that God can't handle it on his own. As usual, religious interpretation is steeped in hypocrisy. They claim to kill people in the name of their almighty god, but if He were so powerful, and really thought that people should die for the reasons they're being killed in his name, wouldn't He be able to take care of it Himself? So, ironically, the people who assert themselves as the most fervently religious, are actually calling God a pussy.

Speaking of Stephen Hawking...

As some of you know, my good friend, Scott Lew, has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). ALS is an unforgiving asshole, but Scott, and some of his fellow ALS'ers, prove that it can also be sexy. Sexy, you ask? Yes, sexy.

Here is a link to the Always Looking Sexy calendar for 2010. Thirteen people with ALS reenact memorable moments from hit movies such as Basic Instinct, Braveheart, and Risky Business. I know it's a little on the late side for a 2010 calendar, but all the proceeds go to the ALS Therapy Development Institute. You can order at the bottom of this page. It's really funny and for a very good cause, so please do:

http://alwayslookingsexy2010.alscommunity.org/GroupSite/tabid/54/view/Default/Default.aspx

Aliens Will Rape Our Planet And Give Us Gloop-Glop-Pox

There have been all these articles recently, in the wake of Stephen Hawking's new show, Into The Universe with Stephen Hawking, about how Hawking says that the existence of aliens is essentially a mathematical inevitability, and we shouldn't necessarily be broadcasting our presence into the far reaches of space because it's foolish to assume that these extraterrestrials are benevolent beings.

I've been saying this for years! They can't all be as nice and hilarious as Gordon Shumway! Shut up, NASA (or whoever sends radio waves into space announcing where to find us)! We don't want aliens to know we're here! If they're anything like us, and they already have the supremely advanced technology it takes to reach Earth, then we're totally F'd in the A!

Hawking said, "If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans." Here's a link to one of the articles:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/space/article7107207.ece

Weaker

A few years back, in the aftermath of a bummer of a break-up, I was feeling particularly vulnerable when that Kanye West song, "Stronger," came on. It got to the line where he goes, "There's a thousand yous/There's only one of me," and that actually made me feel better. I was like, "Yeah . . . fuck that bitch. There's a thousand hers and only one of me . . . Yeah . . ." (And I will say, that's kinda the attitude you should have, though I would advise dialing the arrogance level down a notch from Kanye's loftily perched "delusions of grandeur" to somewhere around "mild overconfidence.")

But, almost immediately after finding "strenf" in Kanye's poetic stylings, I realized, I just turned to Kanye "Gay-Fish" West (South Park reference; see links below) for post-break-up consolation! And that ended up making me feel even worse than when the song first came on, because, let's be honest, if Kanye West is your emotional crutch, it's safe to say, you've seen better days . . .

Here's a link to the full South Park episode I referenced. It's only 20 minutes, it's amazing, and I very very highly highly recommend you watch it if you have the time: http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220762

Otherwise, here's a link to a quick clip of the end of the episode: http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoafJL-Q.html

Tag That Shit! . . . Literally

Bathroom graffiti? Really? We're still doing this? You're spending more time in a public restroom than is absolutely necessary? AND you brought a Sharpie?! You're a fucking loser.

The Redundancy Department of Redundancy

Anyone else used to have to perform the completely redundant task of cleaning up before the cleaning lady came? (Yes, I realize this is a kind of douchey thing to complain about.)

My Mom: Maria's coming tomorrow and your room's a mess!

Me: Isn't that the point?

Mom: It's embarrassing! Clean up!

Me: Well, then can you pay me the portion of Maria's check that goes to cleaning my room, and then she doesn't have to do it and put all my shit in places where I can't find it?

I didn't actually say that last part. I usually just exhaled obnoxiously and said, "You're insane," closed my door, hid my nudie mags and baseball cards, and left the rest of the mess as it was...

PG Sleepovers

A friend of mine recently went out on a first date, and when I called her the next day to see how it went, she said she had just finished having brunch with him. Naturally, I assumed she had spent the night, but she said that they just had a good time and decided to make plans to have brunch the next day. Then she said, "Besides, I wasn't gonna sleep with him, and PG sleepovers aren't really worth it."

My brother and I concurred. They're not worth it. You end up making out and dry humping like a 13-year-old, for way longer than you want, which hurts when you're both wearing jeans. You spend the whole night in a semi-conscious state, sexually frustrated and holding in farts. Then, when you finally give up on actual, qualitative sleep, about three hours before you would normally be getting up, you have to muster up the strength to limp your swollen balls to the bathroom to jerk off so that you're physically capable of walking home/to your car.

That's not to disparage a good "make-out sesh'," especially on a first or second date, but in that event, there's no need for anyone to spend the night and sacrifice perfectly good sleep.

(Special thanks to Fixy!)

"The Funnies?"

Last week I read the comics, in the newspaper, for the first time in God knows how long. . . . They are not funny. At all. Not even remotely. People are so fucking stupid if these are considered "the funnies." I think I give up.

Papadum

So my friend made out with an Indian chick the other night, and on the ride home he goes to me, "I kissed her, and I'm pretty sure I tasted curry." So I said, "I'm pretty sure that's the most racist thing you've ever said. I think I have to put that on The Curmudgeon." And he goes, "No, but I'm being totally serious... Put that in there, too."

Oh, Was Your Menu Different from Mine?

I hate sharing food. When I go out to a restaurant and order my meal, I order according to my hunger level. Then, once my food arrives, my brain instantly prepares my body to expect the amount of food that's placed in front of it. That amount cannot be diminished. It can always be added to, because I am a glutton, but the amount can never be reduced.

People try to make it okay with, "You can have some of mine." I don't want some of yours! I want all of mine! I would've ordered your shitty meal if that's what I wanted. You could've ordered what I got; last I checked, we all got the same fucking menus when we sat down at the table. All trades and splits, unless negotiated prior to ordering, are off limits. No! You can't have the crispy, burnt-cheese corner of my baked ziti that I've been specifically saving for the entire fucking meal so I can end on a good note in exchange for your pube-flavored steamed broccoli, asshole!

Sex

Here are three of my favorite "types" of sex:

1. Condomless sex. Duh.

2. Hotel sex. There's already that vacationy, removed-from-reality vibe making you feel all relaxed and horny, and best of all, there's no real clean-up involved. Daily maid service. I love hotels.

3. Morning sex. Because no matter how remotely bad anything else that happens the rest of the day is, you can still say, "Well at least I had sex today..."

Move Up!

If you're stopped at a red light, and there's enough room in between you and the car in front of you for someone to parallel park . . . you're an asshole.

The United States of Fat

I went to the movies with my little brother recently, and we were circling the parking lot looking for a spot when we noticed that, like, an entire fourth of all the spaces in the garage were designated as handicap spots. Why are there so many handicap parking spots?! My brother thinks it's because of the increase in obesity.

How about this: if you're obese as a result of injury or surgery, fine. But if you're just obese . . . Guess what? Walk! Fucking walk for a change!

What A Bitch!

A guy I know recently broke up with his girlfriend because she was cheating on him. This got me thinking. I know this is going to sound sexist, because, by definition . . . it is, but it's worse when a girl cheats than when a guy does.

I'll wait . . . Ready? Done rolling your eyes and audibly exhaling?

To be clear, neither is remotely okay. But what I'm referring to is the matter of availability. In the words of the wise Chris Rock, "Every woman...ever since you were thirteen, every guy you met's been trying to fuck you!... Women are offered dick every day!" For a woman, for whom it's perpetually available, sex is not such a novelty. For a guy, sex is a much bigger deal. He has to work for it. He's not constantly being propositioned every time he leaves the house! So if a guy is offered sex, it's very difficult for him to turn down because it's a much rarer occurrence. But if a girl can't turn down sex while engaged in a monogamous relationship, and she cheats, it's a more glaring character flaw. She can never be trusted again because she's caved before, and she's going to have many more opportunities, daily, to cave again . . . Well, at least until she's, like, 40, or something. Then the offers kinda taper off, no? Too much?

Guys obviously cheat, too. Probably more than women. This is no surprise. But it usually requires significant effort . . . or the overly aggressive behavior of a very slutty girl.

(Special thanks to "Jonah," DDS...)

Autism is the New Plaid

I asked my brother why it seems like every kid has Autism nowadays, and he goes, "Because if your kid is weird, it's cooler to give it a legitimate name. It's trendy now. They used to just be called, 'weird.'"

Quote of the Month

"If I ever think she's pregnant, I'll just kick her in the stomach."

--My 18-year-old student, after commenting that he has irresponsible, condomless sex with his underage girlfriend who's not on The Pill. Why do I know this, you ask? Because he told me.

That's So Abba

My brother just bought an apartment in New York City, and bought a new king size bed with fancy, expensive, high-thread-count bedding. When he showed our father the newly purchased, nicely made bed, our father looked it over and said, in his thick Israeli accent, "Ooh-wah. The first one it's gotta be special here. It can't be just any bitch..."

That's A Shame

I was sitting on a park bench in NY with my brother last week, and there were two girls sitting right next to us. They weren't ugly, but they definitely weren't cute, either. We ended up making some small talk with them, and they were really nice, affable, blah blah blah. Eventually, they got up and left, and I said to my brother, "That's one of those situations that would've been perfect if they had actually been attractive." And my brother goes, "I think they were thinking the same thing."

Tickle Fiiiiiiight!

Last year, this girl I know ended up going home with some guy she met at a bar, so obviously, the next morning, I texted her, "Did you guys bang?" She responded with, "Not a convo for text." That's a yes.

This brought to mind that recent Eric Massa incident. You know, the Democratic congressman who "tickled" and "groped" his younger, male staff member and justified it by saying it was his 50th birthday party? Anyway, when Larry King asked him straight out (no pun intended) if he was gay, Massa replied, "ask my wife, ask my friends, ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy..." Well, turns out they did ask, and his fellow "seamen" seemed to indicate he was, in fact, gay. But here's a more efficient rubric for you: if you ask a guy if he's gay, and he says anything other than "no" . . . You have your answer. He's gay. That's pretty much the easiest question you can ask any heterosexual male. If he can't get that right, he's not straight (which is fine! So just say, "yes," asshole! You're perpetuating the anti-homosexual sentiment, you self-loathing starfish trooper!).